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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: WANTED: Guys who concider themselves Gods gift to women
Thread: WANTED: Guys who concider themselves Gods gift to women This thread is 6 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 · «PREV / NEXT»
RedSoxFan3
RedSoxFan3


Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
posted June 17, 2004 05:45 PM

Oh cool! Maybe I can win by a lack of competition by default. Trust me everyone this game really isn't that fun. I mean, I'm posting in this thread, so it must be the geekiest, most uncool thread here at HC.
____________
Go Red Sox!

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Sir_Stiven
Sir_Stiven


Honorable
Legendary Hero
banned
posted June 17, 2004 05:47 PM

this thread is just another "preparation thread" and will be removed once i got the participants.

then the real one will kick off

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted June 17, 2004 07:41 PM

I agree hun,The gootch is a sexy B*ast .

____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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TheUltimateM...
TheUltimateMale


Promising
Known Hero
Male Escort
posted June 18, 2004 06:14 AM bonus applied.

Consider yourselves lucky, as The Ultimate Male has decided to grace you all with his presence one more time.  Before I begin, ladies, please put your tongues back in your drooling mouths and attempt to control yourselves for the next few minutes.  Gentlemen, put down the latest issue of Computer Gaming World that your nose is buried in and take out your notepads and pencils from your pocket protectors.   Alpha-male-hating fantasy-role-playing geeks, go ahead and take off your Gandalf the Grey costumes and sheath your Short Swords +2 (+4 vs. superior males) and try to force yourselves to listen to what I have to say, as you may learn something that will help you score with Counselor Deanna Troy at your next Star Trek convention.   With that being said, please sit back and relax, but pay close attention, as I am going to demonstrate why I am God’s gift to women by sharing some free dating advice on how to score with women.

The Ultimate Male’s Guide To Conquering Females (Cybergeek Edition)

Chapter 1 – Short Term Relationships & One Night Stands

This chapter is for those of you males who want to score with any female within a relatively short period and without wasting too much time, energy, or money.  First and foremost, never reveal the fact that you are a member of an online gaming community, as this will shoot you down faster than an X-Wing Fighter trying to assault the Death Star.  Secondly, track down a copy of the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by Dr. John Gray, as it is of utmost importance to “know the enemy” prior to formulating your game plan.   You may also want to flip through a few copies of Oprah Magazine (paying close attention to Dr. Phil’s column) or take a few Cosmopolitan Magazine relationship quizzes so you can catch up on what is on the female mind these days, since most likely the last girl you talked to was the sales girl at Electronics Boutique while you were waiting to pick up your advance copy of The Sims Hot Date Expansion Pack.  Lastly, but definitely not least importantly, start exercising routinely, dieting properly, and practicing good hygiene.  It does not matter what you do to motivate yourselves, even if it includes taping a screenshot of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider III on your washroom mirror, while looking at yourself everyday and asking “Would Lara have been willing to have me as her boy toy in Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life?”…probably not, but hey, you can always dream about it (just try to pretend like you haven’t done this already).

Now I hope you are ready for this, because he comes the secrets that most guys would pay anything to know when it comes to how to successfully engage in a short term relationship or one night stand with a female.

1.  Dress Appropriately:  Go out to the mall and buy yourself a nice (but inexpensive) t-shirt and pair of trousers.  Try to stay away from the video arcade or computer stores, as they will try to distract you from you main objective.  When you get home, make sure you take the price tags and “Inspected By No. 64” stickers off your new clothes, then throw them into the washer and dryer once so you don’t look or smell like a mannequin from the department store when you go out.  While your at it, now would be a good time to finally throw away that X-Files: The Truth Is Out There t-shirt or that Warhammer 2000 t-shirt that you have been wearing every day for the last four years.

2.  Choose Your Hunting Grounds:  Do not, I repeat, do not even think about going to a singles bar or techno club in hopes of landing your big catch.  First off, too many alpha males such as myself hang out at the singles bars, so you will probably have no chance whatsoever of finding a target there.  As for the techno clubs, you are aware that you need to know how to dance in order to make your moves there, and since the last time you saw a dance floor was at your cousin Tim’s wedding when you made a fool out of yourself trying to do something as simple as the Electric Slide or Macarena.  You need a place where you can maximize your chances of success, while minimizing your risk of failure.  I recommend the following places, as all three have been very good to me:  the local university library, a community fair or concert, or a local coffee house.  (Note:  Avoid cyber cafes at all costs, as the combination of females and internet access may cause you to have premature overstimulation, which no cyber geek can recover from once it happens)

3.  Canvass The Joint:  Once you arrive, take a walk around the area and get to know the layout of land.  Make a mental note of the location of the washrooms  (in case you get nervous and wet yourself, you can clean-up) and the emergency exits (in case your local Dungeons & Dragon club buddies happen to show up).  Look for the area with the highest concentration of girls, preferable in groups of three or more.  Do not worry if there is also a male present with a group of females of three or more, as chances are he is either one of their boyfriends (which still leaves you with a few options) or he is gay (which is not all that bad, unless the girls decide you would be perfect for him instead of them).  Walking up to a group of strange women if usually will score you some cool points, as this displays that you are not intimidated by members of the opposite sex in large numbers (even if the last time you were around so many females was at your mom’s last Pampered Chef party).

4.  Be Attentive (Or At Least Pretend To Be Attentive): After you introduce yourself to them, ensure you remember all of their names.  This is very important, so use the powers of association to memorize them if you must.  For example, if one of the girls name is Jill and she has a heart-shaped bottom, just associate her Jill Valentine from Resident Evil and you are golden.   Don’t try to impress them by showing off a hard copy of the HTML code from the website you just designed or the Read Me file from your latest CD hack program, as most females (who actually leave their houses) are interested in intelligent men, not computer programmers.  Talk to them about a book that they are reading or ask them questions about their favorite type of music, but basically just listen attentively to them talk about whatever it is that they want to discuss.  The most important thing you must remember is to do the following:

a.  Look directly at them and into their eyes when they are talking to you.  Move your head side-to-side or nod in agreement every now-and-then, but make sure they know they have your undivided attention, even if you care less about whatever it is they are talking about.  Break eye contact every so often though, as you want to appear attentive and not like some deranged Internet stalker that they are meeting for the first time.

b. Do not try to make yourself more comfortable by picturing them naked as people sometimes tell you to do.  This is not recommended, since the last time you saw a female naked was in your hidden stash of Playboy Magazines (or National Geographic for some of you younger guys).

c.  Talk about them, not you, unless they ask.  Females require attention, and lots of it, so be prepared.  Ask them questions about themselves, but don’t get too personal.  As always, try not to brag about your new screaming Alienware Laptop or your promotion to Emporer in the Tournament of Honor, as most available females will lose interest in you quicker than you can shuffle your deck of Magic the Gathering playing cards.

5.  Single Out Your Best Candidate & Arrange The Next MeetingIf you are really working your magic and are feeling like Viggo Mortensen during the Battle for Middle Earth, then by all means, roll the dice and ask to see one (or all of them) another time.  If you were able to mask the fact that fact that you have not been on a date since your Sadie Hawkins Elementary Shool Dance, then you may get lucky and end up seeing them again.  If you decided to reveal the fact that you have a custom Heroes Community avatar with an androgynous elf or befuddled wizard on it, then chances are you are going home solo.

(Note:  If you would like to find out what exactly you need to do once you are on a one-on-one date with a female, then you will have to go to my pay website in order for those secrets to be revealed.  Remember, this is not an age restricted community, so I cannot go in to detail here since we have some future AV (Audio/Video) Club members present.)

So there it is, Chapter One of The Ultimate Male’s Guide To Conquering Females (Cybergeek Edition).  Stay tuned for Chapter Two, which covers Long Term Relationships, so be prepared for a totally different approach to finding not just a cheap score, but a partner for life.   That may not be for all of you virtual dorks in here, as it involves sacrificing some of your Final Fantasy X ::: Dark Elf walks in, looks around, and buys everyone a drink ::: chat room time and giving up some shelf space where you used to keep your DragonballZ Movie Collection.

So until next time…
____________
Don't hate me because I am beautiful.

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Dingo
Dingo


Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
posted June 18, 2004 06:30 AM
Edited By: Dingo on 18 Jun 2004

lmao!  


Stiven don't delete this thread.
____________
The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.

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Celfious
Celfious


Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
posted June 18, 2004 06:44 AM

And the perfect male says to the women.. "If I grace you with my time, we'll speak"..

How unworthy is that?
____________
What are you up to

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Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted June 18, 2004 03:37 PM
Edited By: Peacemaker on 18 Jun 2004

Stiven, this thread is hysterical.  Hats off to you babe.

T.U.M.:  Wherever you came from, please stay here and don't go back there.  You're a real piece of work, man.

Acu:
Quote:
I agree hun,The gootch is a sexy B*ast


Although I could not agree more with this statement, I must venture to ask you, what moved you, of all people, to make note of it.

Are you coming out on us lately or something???  

RE:  The Gootch:

Quote:
P.S. You'll find my resume in Battle of the Sexes.
Specifically beginning on page 5.  See also, letter of recommendation via Peacemaker's posts on pages 44 - 45 of Temple of Worship (with set-up beginning on page 38).

____________
I have menopause and a handgun.  Any questions?

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Asmodean
Asmodean


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
posted June 18, 2004 03:46 PM
Edited By: Asmodean on 18 Jun 2004

Quote:
lmao!  


Stiven don't delete this thread.


I agree

But I won't be applying for this thread. If you don't know why, you don't need to know why.
But I'll keep watching for the funny stories
____________

To err is human, to arr is pirate.

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TheRealDeal
TheRealDeal


Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
posted June 18, 2004 05:58 PM bonus applied.

Here is the perfect male! i'm what every girl and woman dreams about. Wondering if its just empty brag? here is why:

1: I'm so overweight, that no girl will ever hit on me, so im you'res forever!

2: I still live with my parents, so you dont have to cook!

3: I can have my fist in my mouth!

4: I've watched so many porn films, i know every possible way of doing it! never tried any of them tho.

5: You can borrow my BH's.

6: My IQ is under 90, so you'll always feel intelligent.

7: Since i'm a virgin, you can mold me just as you like!
Litteraly, i'm fat remember!

8: I can ALMOST have both my fists in my mouth, i could probably have both, but i'm curretly eating a hot dog.

9: i'm 49, so retirement here i come! No money worries at all!

10: Stiven is my boyfriend.

So here you have it! the 10 reasons im the perfect male!
PLUS! If you date me now, you get to borrow my::

               STAR TREK SERIES!

I've also got the edition where Spock is played by Elijah wood. So Don't hesitate! Call me! .. My number is ..
*Burbs.. where is my damn McDonalds number?*

excuse me, my mother just called.
____________
*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.

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Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted June 18, 2004 06:09 PM

ROFL

Once seen on the back of a woman's T-shirt:

A good man is hard to find.

A hard man is good to find.

____________
I have menopause and a handgun.  Any questions?

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TheRealDeal
TheRealDeal


Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
posted June 18, 2004 06:23 PM

And if you get me, you also get 2 more Bonus's!

11: I can dress myself! Except for my socks, kinda cant reach my feet, or see them anymore.

12: I can still controle my bladder!.. or at the least most at the time, i kinda have a problem when i've had something, something at all, to drink.
____________
*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.

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TheRealDeal
TheRealDeal


Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
posted June 18, 2004 06:29 PM

Please look away from number 11. I just found my one foot ...

Ups.. sorry, was just a piece of lard... hey wait.. its moving :S ... ARGH ALL THE WRONG THINGS ARE JIGGELING
____________
*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.

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RedSoxFan3
RedSoxFan3


Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
posted June 18, 2004 06:57 PM

Oh cool. Someone who might be more of a loser than me.

Thank you High School Diploma.
____________
Go Red Sox!

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TheRealDeal
TheRealDeal


Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
posted June 18, 2004 07:01 PM

If you wonder who i am, Im RSF's Straight twin brother.
____________
*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.

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KittenAngel
KittenAngel


Supreme Hero
Lee's wifey
posted June 18, 2004 08:58 PM

*drools over Ultimate Male*
____________
Never wear anything that panics
the cat.

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TheRealDeal
TheRealDeal


Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
posted June 18, 2004 09:15 PM

Well you should be drooling over me, Maybe he is the Ultimate Male , but im better.. im the male, flubberlike.. See, i'm a movie star!
____________
*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.

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KittenAngel
KittenAngel


Supreme Hero
Lee's wifey
posted June 18, 2004 09:17 PM

But I actually know who Ultimate is and I drool over him, so ima still drool over him
____________
Never wear anything that panics
the cat.

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TheRealDeal
TheRealDeal


Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
posted June 18, 2004 09:21 PM

Well im a knight in flabby armor?
____________
*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.

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RedSoxFan3
RedSoxFan3


Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
posted June 18, 2004 09:39 PM

I graduated from High School.
____________
Go Red Sox!

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TheRealDeal
TheRealDeal


Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
posted June 18, 2004 10:05 PM

I've just graduated from the ninth grade ..
how can you do that and still be so hot you might ask, and the answer is: BURGER KING
____________
*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.

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