|
| Thread: Writer's Guild |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 · «PREV / NEXT» |
|
Asmodean
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
|
posted January 24, 2005 10:55 PM |
|
|
I prefer the order he has it in. I think the line about being betrayed has enough zip. The second paragraph is good as well.
It kinda put me in mind of a story I wanted to write but only ever got as far as the first few paragraphs.
Why the hell did I pick today today to quit smoking! I thought furiously to myself.
It was one of those impulse things. I ran out of my last carton last night driving home and decided not to pick one up at the gas station on the way home. I'd been fine last night, didn't snap at my boyfriend all night and felt very proud of myself on the way to work this morning.
And that's where the trouble began.
Rubbing my eyes to stop the tears of anger and embarassment from flooding my face I looked at myself in the mirror. No it's ok, my makeup was still fine and my hair was no more messier than usual.
Of all the nerve of that man!....
____________
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
|
|
RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
|
|
posted January 25, 2005 08:18 AM |
|
|
I never thought of changing the order of the paragraphs. How interesting.
Edit: Paragraphs rearranged.
Edit Again: I gave this another rewrite. I think I like it much better now than before.
Everyone, at some point in their life, will be betrayed, persecuted, caught between the quarrel of others, or maybe just dragged into trouble by peers. It is important to remain true to yourself and not let those things misdirect you from the path that defines yourself. I had to learn that the hard way.
I still remember the day when my innocence was lost, when all the trouble began. I could not have imagined all the cruel things the world could bring me. Young and foolish as I was, I ran blindly through my adolescence consumed in vengeance. I had no idea what other troubles would work their way into my life as I strayed farther and farther from the path that I was meant to take. I thought that I had lost everything that could have been lost. I was wrong. There are far more important things to lose than everything.
I had been betrayed, persecuted, caught between the quarrel of others and even dragged into the life of a person who I was not. It only took a few rash decisions to get myself into a world of trouble. I spent nearly my entire life striving to return to my true path, striving to find the person I had left behind in my youth.
____________
Go Red Sox!
|
|
Shadowcaster
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Shaded Scribe
|
|
posted January 27, 2005 07:29 PM |
|
|
Here's the beginning to m
...y first story.
(Darn post title...)
They had gone, and the last fleeting glimpses of heaven dwindled away into serene obscurity. I watched the sky for one last trace of their almighty beauty, but none came--the instruction had ended. Everything they told me had been recorded at my hand, down to the last letter, and it was now my duty to pass it through the ages. Granted immortality for the sake of the prophecy's preservation, I alone have been charged with this great task, but with an evermore doubting world emerging as time presses on, I can be sure that this will be no easy task.
I looked down upon my writing and watched the parchment dry upon the moonlight stone. Such a foreboding tale it was, one of great mystery and greater importance, for it spelled either the doom or salvation of us all. I began to read aloud.
Through sand and soil, across the land,
A power awakened in small, frail hand
Shall spell the ruin of us all
If malice comes before the fall.
Though goodness spread about the earth
Will bless the world in tiny birth.
Good or evil, one to ascend
So's spelt beginning, or bitter end.
I hope, for the sake of us all, that people believe.
____________
>_>
|
|
RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
|
|
posted January 27, 2005 07:36 PM |
|
|
Wonderful. I really like it. I'll take a look at it again after I go to the bathroom. I really gotta go. 
A few grammatical things.
"They had gone" should be one sentence.
Also later the line. I had recorded everything they told me, down to the last line...
This is a dangling participle. Down to the last line should go after everything, not me. Also if you use had recorded, you should use had told me.
I think the use of poetry is perfect. Very interesting stuff. I would definitely be interested as to where this story led.
____________
Go Red Sox!
|
|
Shadowcaster
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Shaded Scribe
|
|
posted January 27, 2005 08:14 PM |
|
|
Edited. Thanks for the compliments and tips. Any more are surely welcome.
____________
>_>
|
|
SirDunco
Responsible
Supreme Hero
|
|
posted September 18, 2005 09:19 PM |
|
|
I sure would like to join.
Eventhough I do most of my writting in Slovak. Especialy the short stories.
But I prefer writting fantasy in english. I have some stuff at home and try to check out the North Lands thread, which I shall be turning into a stand-alone thread with the OOC thread functioning as a history/background thread.
____________
|
|
TitaniumAlloy
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
|
|
posted September 20, 2005 02:42 PM |
|
|
Hmm... I wrote a short story explaining the history of the Purists. (if you don't know who they are, you don't read Cold Winter enough )
It's three pages long though, so I don't think I should post it here  I would like some advice on it, however, so if anyone would like to read it then I would be grateful, I can send it via email or something.
Oh and @Shadowcaster: That beginning is great, intriguing and makes you want to read the rest. I don't think I'd change anything 
____________
John says to live above hell.
|
|
Rage08
Famous Hero
Making it in the real world
|
|
posted September 20, 2005 08:47 PM |
|
Edited By: Rage08 on 6 Oct 2005
|
Sorry RedSoxFan for the delay... thanks for reviving though...
I haven't been on the writer's guild for a while, but I do have some material including song lyrics and some ideas for stories that I could post... I'll have to do a bit of searching first though...
I could also maybe help some others if they want some input on their material or something...
____________
|
|
RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
|
|
posted October 09, 2005 10:04 AM |
|
|
This is the very first part of chapter 1 in what is going to be a novel. I have the first two complete chapters in my thread Edwin. If anyone wants to give this a critique then feel free and I would of course be more than willing to return the favor.
"Another day, another job," Edwin said to himself as he looked onwards at the tall stone walls that surrounded the estates he was preparing to enter. Carefully he studied the wall up and down, finding the prime point of attack. His eyes were fixed upon a tree somewhat close to the corner of the wall. Edwin had found his pinhole in the defenses and now needed only to elude the guards at the gate in front of him.
He shifted himself to the other side of the large oak on which he had perched himself and slipped down using the trunk to hide his presence, not that the guards would have seen him had he jumped down either. His apparel was superb for lurking and stealthing about, outfitted in black leather, from head to toe with special boots that left careful stepping silent. Edwin crouched down and looked at the guards and knew immediately they would see nothing of him. He glided across the fields of tall grasses like a silent wisp, across the dirt path that ascended up to the gate, and onward up to his tree of pinhole. When he arrived at the tree, he realized it was not as close as he had once thought it was. The edges of the branches were several feet from the top of the wall, not directly up against it as he had thought originally.
But Edwin was not discouraged. He simply pulled out a thick long rope from his pack and tied it around the tree trunk. He threw the rope up and over the wall and climbed up the tree until he was slightly above the top of the wall. He stood atop the thickest bow he could find and slowly edged his way toward the wall feeling out the stability of his footing. He found the last strong part of the branch and backed up to the trunk. He pushed off and sprinted up the bow, diving as far he could. He let out a grunt as he landed squarely on the top of the wall; he caught his breath and took a look around to find himself hanging just above the edge of a hedge maze. Frowning he decides that his choice of entry will not be such a fine choice of exit.
But still the crafty rogue does not get discouraged. He gave a good sharp tug on the rope to ensure its strength and hops down. He pulls out a dagger and cuts off a few sizable pieces off the hedge walls and places them beneath his rope. As he explores farther and farther into the maze he leaves the hedge branches to mark his path. After seemingly forever he finds his way out of the maze and has left a clear path from the maze exit to the rope that he plans to make his getaway.
Edwin's heart began pounding. He knew that the true challenge now lied before him. From here on out he knew his 'job' would become increasingly dangerous. Hiding would be without effort on such a night as this with such a thick blanket of clouds blocking out all moonlight.
He carefully made his way through the gardens scouting as he went and found there to be guards nowhere but the entrances. The surrounding landscape was left unwatched and unattended. Even entire sides of the house, were ignored. He looked up at the house and saw no real good way of entering the house. There was no good way of scaling the walls. And even so with the windows barred from the outside scaling the walls would do little good. He studied the wall further and found that at the far side of the house there were 3 windows that were stacked rather close to one another. He lurked his way over to the window and peered inside to find a dark empty room. Edwin nodded to himself and grabbed the iron bars and pulled himself up. His heart that had just begun to settle down instead ran full tilt vibrating his entire body with every beat.
He had heard a voice and footsteps enter the room just inside his window. He scrambled up to the top of the bars and stood on them pressing himself against the wall. It seemed the person had taken no notice to Edwin's presence and so he reached up for the second window. Pulling himself up however he found himself to be looking upon the same room. The new light that had been brought into the room had revealed a massive library that apparently scaled four stories high. Edwin now realized the predicament of his situation. This man could be there studying all night and he was directly facing both of the windows that sat above and below the Edwin. He was stuck between two windows unable to retreat, unable to climb higher.
____________
Go Red Sox!
|
|
Rage08
Famous Hero
Making it in the real world
|
|
posted October 10, 2005 03:56 AM |
|
Edited By: Rage08 on 9 Oct 2005
|
I have just finished reading over the beginning to your story and it seems like it has some great potential...
I have some suggestions that you can atleast consider if you feel they make sense...
For starters, you mention in the fifth paragraph of the story that his hiding will be without difficulty on a night where the moonlight is blanketed by the clouds. So I can safely assume the story is taking place during the night. So, in my opinion, you need to mention as close to the beginning of the story as possible that this is the case, because I got the feeling that it was during the day up until that point. Especially because the first sentence is "Another day, another job". Also, to emphasize this fact, maybe when you are describing Edwin's surroundings you can add in other little things to really get your point across. For example... "The surrounding landscape was left unwatched and unattended..." as you had said. How about something like (remember this is only a suggestion)... "The surrounding landscape was left unwatched and unattended. Even the moon was unaware of the movement in the night as the clouds remained asleep in the path of its light." And, of course, it is always easy to quickly describe the stars in the sky. Those kind of sentences can often help give a good picture in someone's head.
"There was no good way of scaling the walls. And even so with the windows barred from the outside scaling the walls would do little good." In this example, I just thought that maybe the wording could have been better. Mostly, because of the use of the word "good" twice and how you used the phrase "scaling the walls" in both sentences. Maybe you would like to try something like... "It seemed as though there was no good method for scaling the walls, even with the windows barred from the outside."
That's all I can think of at the moment... but I will probably want to make more suggestions later.
Also, if you want, I will try and fix any punctuation problems in your story.
Just get back to me and let me know what I can do. I wasn't really sure how I should go about editing your story...
____________
|
|
RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
|
|
posted October 10, 2005 05:47 AM |
|
|
Well thanks for the input. I thought you were right about your overall thoughts. I had a bit of redundancy in my phrasing at a few places so I'll go threw and work that stuff out.
Specifically what I meant was that the walls were difficult to scale already and because of the fact that the windows were barred it would be almost pointless to attempt scaling them.
Of course if you have any pieces up, I'd be glad to take a look and give any feedback. Sometime later this week I can post the next section of my story if you would like to take a look at it.
____________
Go Red Sox!
|
|
Rage08
Famous Hero
Making it in the real world
|
|
posted October 10, 2005 08:23 AM |
|
|
Alright, good to know... I must have misinterpreted the wall climbing thing. Anyway, if you want, I can continue to edit your first chapter. It's probably just a lot of little things I would fix, but let me know what you want me to do.
And if you could post your second chapter sometime that would be great. But if I'm going to continue fixing the first chapter then hold off a bit on the second until I'm ready...
Basicly, just let me know what you think is the best idea...
____________
|
|
RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
|
|
posted October 10, 2005 08:42 PM |
|
|
This is more of chapter 1. If you feel like going back to fixing the first part then go for it, but I'm looking more general questions like how you see the character. What does he seem like? What parts of my writing made you think that etc...
Is the plot believable? What's interesting? Why do you think it's interesting?
Those things would be most helpful to me I think. I went back and fixed a lot of grammar and awkward sentences in this first chapter. But I don't have the revised copy here at school. It's back home. All I have is the version that's posted up here already.
Edwin again did not get discouraged. He studied the man carefully and waited until he moved. Such only took but more than a minute and the man left to go get a book off to his left. A careful observer Edwin was, he also moved over to the right of the iron bars and climbed up the side, ensuring that he would not be seen. In only a few seconds Edwin had made it up another window and peered back into the next window. This room was also quite dark; however the soft light in the background suggested that this was merely a balcony overlooking the rest of the library. And so he continued climbing until he came to the last of the windows. He pulled himself up and saw yet another dark room and climbed his way to the top. Upon reaching it he poked his head up over the roofline to find the roof to be flat and accessible from the house below. It was filled with plants and chairs and tables, as if it was used as a living space quite often.
He headed for the door and found it unlocked. Slowly and carefully he opened the door and peered inside. A long staircase was at the bottom and by the looks of it, the room was full of guards. He closed the door and took a look around outside. The roof was not flat throughout the mansion, only for the one small section above the library. He peered from the side of the roof hoping to find maybe a window or balcony or some other point of entry.
On the other side of this massive U-shaped mansion house there was a clock tower without bars perched a top an even higher fifth level, that stood above the remainder of the house. It was also a mere two or three minutes until the top of the hour.
"A careless invitation," he snickered and crawled his way to the clock tower and waited.
"Ding, dong, ding, dong, sckleetch, dong, ding, dong." Edwin had made a giant ball of cloth out of his cape and punched a giant hole in the clock tower that no one could have heard over the loud chimes of clock tower. The rogue carefully timed his blows to the chimes of the bell and cleared a large enough hole for him to step through. He poked his head inside and discovered a floor just below and several gears just off to his left. He hoped down and made his way over to the corner of the room. Where he saw what appeared to be a drop down staircase. He stood in the middle of the cracks in the floor and the staircase unfolded under his weight.
"They didn't even lock it," he laughed to himself as he found himself in a pitch black room. He reached into his pack and pulled out a match and lit in the staircase. The room was small and he had just enough light to spot a spiral staircase on the bottom right corner, but he wanted to see more. He could tell the room was filled with various odds and ends, but he could not tell if it was of any value. He quickly pulled out his lantern and lit it, however he burnt his hand in the process and dropped the match onto the floor as he licked his fingers in pain. He stepped on the match and looked around the room. It was filled with junk. He smiled as he went through the various odds and ends, some with good value and the rest worthless. He decided he would make a quick stop here after his 'job' was completed. He descended the staircase and found himself this time in a massive room filled with yet even more junk and a window, which appeared to not be barred off. He opened the window carefully and looked outside for better inspection. He found a long slope before him with branches nearly touching the roofline. He smiled at the discovery of his effortless getaway.
Edwin carefully reached for the door and found it to be locked. He pulled out a lock pick and felt around to find the all the springs and found only one. He twisted his wrist and opened the lock effortlessly.
"What is this, a lock to a peasant’s house?" he thought to himself. Upon poking his head out the door he saw a large empty hallway adorned with numerous doors as though it once served as an inn or bed in breakfast. He held his ear up to a door and heard heavy breathing as that of one asleep. Several other doors he checked and heard the snoring and mumbling of people in deep sleep. The owner was clearly using this as housing for his servants. So he walked casually ignoring the creaks of the floorboards, knowing that none of the people within the rooms would think much of it. Soon the hallway ended and he found himself standing just above the foyer. Guards were at the door quietly talking amongst each other. He couldn't quite make out their conversation, but they clearly were paying no attention to much of anything. Hugging the wall Edwin crawled his way into the other wing. Just as he was about to stand, he heard a door open and shut. He burst to his feet and entered the nearest door leaving it cracked to not make noise. He found himself standing in the study at the top of a large staircase. The same man he had seen earlier through the window while he was scaling the wall of barred windows was sitting at one of the tables. Having heard the door open, the man stood up and turned around to face the doorway.
____________
Go Red Sox!
|
|
Rage08
Famous Hero
Making it in the real world
|
|
posted October 11, 2005 06:23 AM |
|
Edited By: Rage08 on 22 Nov 2005
|
Alright, I will try and help you with your questions as best I can...
To me, your character is a very calculating person, and very good at what he does. He seems like he may be a very independant person and would rather do things on his own. Which, by the way, I often use these kinds of characters in my stories, because I think they're great. Also, he seems like he is a very confident character. I'm not sure if you'd like to use this as a trait for maybe being one of his downfalls. What I mean is that maybe in an important situation he may make a mistake that could be of great cost simply because of his overconfidence.
The reason I say your character is like this is because he seems to be able to do sneaky things with ease. He also doesn't seem worried of getting caught or anything. These things support my opinions on your character, I think. Additionally, Edwin has been by himself so far the whole time which might suggest he is somewhat of a lone wolf.
I don't want to judge if your plot is believable yet though, because I'd rather read more of it and then give my opinion.
I would have to say that your story does hold some interest in the way that you leave some things untold. My suggestion is that you are even more suspensful and mysterious.
I would still like to edit your story, RSF, before it's all said and done. This may be a while from now though. And it's not necessarily for certain...
____________
|
|
TitaniumAlloy
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
|
|
posted October 17, 2005 02:50 PM |
|
|
I think the plot is definately believeable and it is very well written. It seems Rage is going into detail, but have you played the game Thief? I only caught a glimpse of it and played the first level, but it was a good game similar to your story. It was actually what inspired me to write a short story about a thief. I think it's a really good idea and you of all people can certainly make a great piece from it.
One thing that I was confused about was the time of day in which the scene took place. Unless I missed a part where you described it, I got the idea that it was day time but then the people are asleep, maybe if you could spare a couple of adjectives and clear that up a bit. If you want to.
Also a few typos:
Quote:
He hoped down and made his way over to...
In the fifth paragraph. Should be 'He hopped down'.
Quote:
...clearly were paying no attention to much of anything.
Last paragraph. Should be 'paying notmuch' attention.
As for my story I would really like input from some of you guys. It's a bit big for here, so I made a quick slapdash blog site to post it on so you can read it there. I'd appreciate it, it's less than 2 pages so it won't take long.
The Purist by Titanium Alloy
____________
John says to live above hell.
|
|
Shadowcaster
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Shaded Scribe
|
|
posted October 17, 2005 09:15 PM |
|
|
Excellent story. I especially like the fact that you maintained a sense of forced unison throughout by leaving out names and details not pertaining to the soldiers, and that the story could easily stand on its own.
Of course, if you wish to continue this, it will become very difficult to maintain that mystery as the story progresses without alienating the reader from knowing enough to compel them to continue reading. The first-person viewpoint you've set up will simplify this exponentially, as perspective can play a huge role in omission of certain details that the observer within the story would not deem important. Yet you may still run into problems.
I do hope to see you continue this, though, as I'm convinced you have the talent to do so effectively. Feel free to ask the Guild if you do encounter any problems; that's what we're here for.
(Now post in Cold Winter. )
____________
>_>
|
|
RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
|
|
posted October 20, 2005 09:17 AM |
|
|
Very interesting story, TA. I'm gonna read it another two times before I give it some feedback tho. I'll get to that in the next day or two.
____________
Go Red Sox!
|
|
TitaniumAlloy
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
|
|
posted October 21, 2005 11:45 AM |
|
|
Ah, awesome, thanks.
I wrote it having in mind that it was going to be a short story, possibly slightly longer but that's about it. I was aiming for mystery and metaphor. I'm glad you like it... I find the idea intriguing in itself, Sci Fi but without sans the technological complications.
I agree that if it would be hard to continue, if I were it would be a continuation of the idea rather than this piece itself, meaning I would probably start again.
I tried it from a few viewpoints but I finally stuck to this one.. I actually started and almost finished from the view of a victim of the Purists.
I read over it again and changed a few words around to make it flow a bit better, and took out repeated words like "cities" and "now". Nothing big.
Thanks for the input I might use the ideas in Cold Winter
____________
John says to live above hell.
|
|
MightyMage
Honorable
Legendary Hero
of INSANITY and DELICIOUSNESS
|
|
posted October 22, 2005 07:11 AM |
|
|
I know I am a prime example of one of those lazy writers but Stephen King was and look where he is today. The reason I am posting in this thread again is because I joined way back and than lost my Internet service. Now that I'm back to posting in the Glade again (most especially LHW) this thread has got my interest.
If you guys are in the middle of something I won't interrupt but I'd like to take part in the next thingie you do.
____________
Though I must still bow
in awe for the awesomeness that is
MightyMage. For he is all I could ever
want to be! - OhforfSake
|
|
RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
|
|
posted October 22, 2005 08:31 AM |
|
|
All we are doing now is posting a few pieces of our own and giving it critiques.
____________
Go Red Sox!
|
| |
|
|
