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Heroes Community > Other Side of the Monitor > Thread: Downhill Times
Thread: Downhill Times This thread is 27 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 20 ... 23 24 25 26 27 · «PREV / NEXT»
Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted March 07, 2005 06:16 PM
Edited By: Peacemaker on 7 Mar 2005

Guitarguy --

When my current husband and I were forced to live in complete separation I wrote, and wrote and wrote.  I wrote about the things we'd talked about and done, how I felt about him, mostly what being separated was doing to me.

It helped tremendously.  I ended up writing a five-hundred page novel out of it.  Almost all of it during the lamp-oil hours of late nights when I was still working full-time as an attorney.  

Amazing what that kind of pain can do to a person.

You seem like it's helping you to write some of this down.  Maybe you should write more -- to her, to yourself.  Does this gal really realize what she means to you?  Maybe you could send her a ditty in Canada and test the waters to see how she responds to the love-letter concept.

Or maybe you could just write to yourself -- it does make one feel better to express it all, even if only to the surface of a piece of paper... and sometimes the most lovely works of art come of it.

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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 08, 2005 07:41 AM

To Peacemaker:

Your advice definitely presents good options for me to take. Indeed, writing does make me feel better if I spend some time on it. I wish I had a little more time and space on hand for these things; the house is a bit messy at the moment, and it's kind of junk that I don't have my own room for privacy and quiet. So far, I've only had time to type things online (here, for example) but not anything hand-written. I'd like to try the latter, as you suggested. When my week-long Spring Break comes along, maybe I'll be able to fix things up a little. And after midterms, the better!

Oh...I'd really love to write Laura while she's away. Unfortunately, I'm always afraid she will get scared if I keep appearing to be so forward. I've made a point to get her gifts for her birthday, the holidays, etc, and she's always seemed a little guilty that I gave her these things. I think it's because she doesn't expect the gifts in the first place, making her a little uneasy with herself that I'm spending so much on her. I've told her that it's all in good friendship; I've never brought up the crush at all to her. Might be bad if I did. It's especially hard since she's very introverted and conservative, and probably doesn't share the exact same degree of affection from her to me as it is from me to her. I want to be with her so much, and yet I can't say the same (yet) about vice versa. She's not one of those outgoing girls you might see constantly at malls and/or clubs who are always comfortable being around guys. She is quite different from that. My parents reminded me once that she is the very studious type and will likely place getting an education above having a boyfriend in her list of priorities. That is a wise thing to do, of course, and I'd respect and understand if Laura chose to do things that way. I've got a feeling that it would be best that I back off for a while and let her do her thing, painful as it may be.

I'm just assuming here; it's always hard to tell with Laura since she's quiet. Not keeping in touch with her might make me very unhappy, but I'd gladly lay low for a while if it'd keep her feeling comfortable. If anything, I hope I can keep things relaxed between the two of us so as not to let her feel bad about anything. She's totally worth it.

Your thoughts are welcome, as usual.

-guitarguy
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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted March 08, 2005 12:15 PM

Life is too short man, take chances & you never know how much your life can change.
If you dont then you will get no where but where your at right now.

You cant tell me Guitario that you never risked taking 1 chance in your life that changed the outcome.
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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 08, 2005 09:54 PM

Risks

Taking risks for myself that don't involve other people being affected is something I'm a little more wary of. I could easily try to make it big on impressing the girl I like, but if she appears to be a person who wouldn't take it very well, then it probably won't be worth it.

I understand what you mean, though. I do make some risky decisions in life that often fall outside of my comfort zone. I guess, in this case, I should be a little on the cautious side (as much as I hate the feeling).

I'll get back to this later when I have time.

-guitarguy
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Khaelo
Khaelo


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Underwater
posted March 09, 2005 12:32 AM bonus applied.
Edited By: Khaelo on 8 Mar 2005

downhill times

I don't have much in the way of advice except to echo Peacemaker; does she know what she means to you?  If she's shy and quiet (and this is me projecting, mind you ), she may be accustomed to being overlooked socially or noticed only for her academic achievements.  It might mean the world to her if someone liked her for who she is.  Have you just mentioned that you enjoy spending time with her?  Mention that you noticed she wasn't at the coffee thing on Friday, and ask how her interviews went.  It sounds like your affection for her is not dependant on her behaving a certain way; she may need to know that.  Shy people are often worried about how others see them.  If she knows that that's not a concern with you, that just being Laura is enough, she may be more comfortable around you, meaning she will be more receptive to your company.  

If she's the "quietly confident" type, though, the grain of salt included in this advice should be expanded to a mountain.


So those are my thoughts on your downhill time.  The original post asked about our downhill times, too, so I'm taking you up on that.    Fact is, I'm headed "downhill" now but still don't have the trust/confidence to publically post about it.  So, in the spirit of risk-taking, I'll post something which is close to my heart but not close in time.

Previous to this, my noteworthy downhill time was summer of '01.  This was after my freshman year in college.  My mom was very ill.  Between severe asthma and the eczema from hell, she was bedridden a large part of the time.  She had medications for the asthma, but they weren't working very well.  The eczema was the worst, though.  Eczema is a skin condition, and it isn't usually considered very serious.  My mom's case, however, was.  Her skin basically ceased functioning.  She went to pretty much every dermatologist she could find.  They all said that hers was the most severe case of eczema they'd ever seen, but none could explain what caused it or offer help.  She had no energy, she was cold all the time, her skin was constantly inflamed, she was always in pain, and so on.

Obviously, this was a more seriously downhill time for my mom than for me.  But since I'm the one posting here...My mom is the lynchpin of the family.  She's the one who gets things done, so when she stopped functioning, our family life went to hell with her.  I'm the oldest; a lot of the floating responsibility fell on me.  At the time, I only had a driver's permit, not a license, so if my mom was not up to sitting in the passenger's seat for trips to the grocery store, I had to walk.  She was living on orange juice, and our family goes through milk like no other, so this frequently involved toting half-gallons of liquid a mile & a half.  When she needed the superior air filter of the car's air conditioning to breathe, I drove her around aimlessly, or just sat in parking lots with the car on.  Often, this was in the middle of the night.  My brothers tended to flee the house (no surprise!), so I was also the most frequent waiter when Mom needed more orange juice, etc.

Those were the practical nuisances.  The major problems were emotional.  I had nightmares about her death.  I cried randomly.  Whereas before her illness (and after), my mom was my source of emotional support, during that time, I found myself acting as hers -- listening to her misery and feeling it with her, trying to make her feel better, doing everything I could to help, which was pitifully little.  But I'm emotionally stunted; I just wasn't up to the task.  I'm trying to think of a way to describe how I felt but can't find words for it.  Guitarguy's first paragraph of opening post covers it pretty well.  There's nothing like total helplessness to send you downhill.

So, how did I deal with it?  I didn't, or at least not in a positive way.  Over the summer, my major accomplishment was avoiding a total meltdown ("suicide/breakdown will make things worse; hold on for just one more day, one more day, one more day...").  This tactic worked just long enough for me to get back to college in the fall and abandon the whole situation.  (avoidance, real selfless there )  About a month later, my mom's condition hit bottom, she ended up in the Intensive Care Unit, and they discovered that she was highly allergic to mold in the walls of our house.  She moved into my dad's apartment with one of my brothers (and immediately began to recover), my dad temporarily moved into the house with the other brother, and basically the rest of the family went through major upheavals while I stayed blissfully distant from the whole thing at college.  I got back just in time for the insurance company to move my mom, brothers, and me into a townhouse while they ripped up the walls of our house and rebuilt it with new mold-resistant insulation, better water drainage, etc.  Everyone else seems to remember the townhouse as a wretched time, but I didn't mind it.  For me, the worst was over as soon as I got out of trying to take care of Mom.

So there's my downhill time story.

Edit: too many smilies.
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Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted March 09, 2005 12:47 AM
Edited By: Peacemaker on 8 Mar 2005

WOW Khaelo...

That's one helluvan experience.  I think you did great, hanging in there as long as you did.

How's your mom now?

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Khaelo
Khaelo


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Underwater
posted March 09, 2005 12:59 AM

She's much better.  The hospital put her on Singulair.  She hasn't had a major asthma attack since.  The eczema still rears its ugly head every so often, unfortunately, although it's not nearly as bad as it was.  Mom tries to deal with it by adjusting her diet every other week.  I think her list of "forbidden foods" is about a mile long by now.  Currently, she's off dairy, citrus, and caffine, and on a pumpkin spree.  Vitamin A is good for the skin, you know.  It's working for the time being.  I have grown to have a great deal of faith in the placebo effect.    In any case, she's well enough to work again.  
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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 09, 2005 03:57 AM
Edited By: guitarguy on 8 Mar 2005

I'm so glad I posted here; I'm growing stronger from what I'm learning.

I think you're right. I should get around to telling Laura about how much I appreciate her being a friend. There is so much I'd love to tell her, but I'm often too shy to do so. And there's this other bit I haven't mentioned yet: Laura has three sisters. Two of them are older and away at college. Laura and her younger younger sister are still here and attend church together. Here's the catch: Laura tends to be very shy talking to me while her other sister is present. Actually, the same thing happens when any one other person we know is there with us. If we were alone, on the other hand, Laura would be a lot more comfortable and open to conversation. It isn't that we can't talk with each other when her sister or anyone else is there, but it's harder to get into the conversation on a more personal level. Confortable and without restrain, in other words. Those rare, meaningful one-on-one moments are very rare. When I think about it, I have a better chance of talking with her outside of Sunday, perhaps on a Friday nighter like the one I mentioned in the other post. On Sundays, however, things just seem to work against me. Also, Lora and her sister head off to get picked up by their father almost immediately after church service, so I'd have to wait a whole 'nother week to get any more interaction. Not much I can do about it, though.

Khaelo -- thank you for sharing your story. I'm stoked and amazed by how much you and your family pulled together during that hard time. I've been so engulfed in worrying about myself and Laura that I've kind of forgetten that other people are going through much more pain than I've ever had to face. You, Aculias, and Peacemaker have definitely opened my eyes to that.
Hopefully, I'll face life's problems with more of an open mind as I go along. I have certainly learned a lot through these posts so far. At that, I'm certainly pleased to hear that your mother is doing better!

-guitarguy
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Shadowcaster
Shadowcaster


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Shaded Scribe
posted March 09, 2005 05:20 AM

Downhill times, eh? Here's my past 18 months in a nutshell.

In September of 2003, I got into a major accident that totaled my vehicle and lost a girlfriend in the same week, so needless to say, I wasn't too happy, and thus began a dangerous downhill spiral that would not end for nearly a year. I got over the car thing rather quickly, but I have this tendency to try and cling to things in fear that something new will never come along, even if I know that they are doomed to fail, and I mulled over the girl until the end of that year. Then, in December, I finally saw a way out.

The humongous Christmas pageant at our church was upon us, and, up until then, I had blocked the thought of this girl out of my mind, but that was not the case, as we were both involved with the play. We had to see each other whether we wanted to or not. It was a shaky time, but then I found another to fill the hole that Shannon, the lost love, had left.

It was a strange story, how we met, and I still smile as I recall our mutual destruction of our costume garters before each play. Emily and I had amassed quite a pile of red thread when the last of the 13 shows was up. I fell for her instantly, but I was too shy to say anything. After all, we had just met, and I hardly knew what to do in this situation. I had liked Shannon for well over a year before I even got up the courage to tell her how I felt, but I wanted this to be different. Yet I still did nothing but plan.

I waited two months in the wings before a friend finally caved and told Emily of my secret crush. After marking that friend off the secrets list, I reluctantly made my move and asked her if she wanted to go eat lunch sometime, an action that was only performed because I had gotten to the near obsessive point to which I needed to see her at least once a week or I was miserable. I had accomplished in two months what most people accomplish in five seconds, yet I was proud. This was a big step for me, and I was forgetting about Shannon. Some deal this was!

The next two months, Emily and I dated each weekend after church and sometimes during the week, but, in April, she became very busy in her overloaded life as I reveled in my post early graduation lack of things to do, and I was slowly pushed out to make room for everything else. Needless to say, I didn't take this too well, and when she began to miss church, I started systematically checking up on her each time she missed. Again, needless to say, she didn't that too well. We began to drift apart, despite my best efforts.

From April until the end of June my church collectively raced toward the summer mission trip to Hawaii, and I began to wonder if Emily and I would ever have another two months like those from February to April, which were two of the greatest months of my life. I didn't approach her about it until the end of June, and we broke up what little we had left in front of a Hawaiian sunset. I'd always thought those sunsets had the opposite effect, but not for someone like me, not in a situation like mine. It was over, and I wouldn’t see Emily again for a long, long time. I was again mired in depression, but now I was learning to cope, and this was hardly a breakup of the caliber that my previous one had been.

Neither Emily nor Shannon remained friends with me, and my prospects were quickly fading in Plano, where I lived. I was glad when college finally arrived early that August. I could finally escape the crushing jaws of memory and start anew. I resolved not to let my introversion get the best of me, and that I would not rush into things. I kept both promises, and my circle of friends grew while my dating life grew stale. The first semester of college was devoid of any romance, and six months without romance killed whatever notion of romance I had been harboring.

Emily and I didn't talk again until that December, as I went to college in August, leaving her behind to finish her senior year, but we were still friends when again we did talk at the 2004 rendition of the play where we had first met exactly a year before. I didn't meet anyone at the play this year, nor had I the entire fall semester, yet I was okay. I was recovering from this thing called love...at least that's how I saw it. I just needed to escape from all the drama that was mired in relationships, and so I ran. But I did not get far.

Not too long into the following year, this year, I met the person I had been lacking for the past six months, and I immediately knew that my avoidance of romance would fail. One week into the semester, I went on a retreat with the Baptist Student Ministry at our school, mostly due to pressure from friends to go, and I met a girl named Michelle. I am not usually the kind of person who goes on these things unless it’s a proven tradition, but I went on this trip because I felt the need to meet people as had been my goal throughout my brief college life. I went, and ended up speaking out of a bizarre twist of fate about the legacy which had been passed down to me. It was this speech that led me to her.

Granted, I have no problem writing out or planning things like this, but public speaking has never been my strong suit due to the fact that I mostly keep to myself, and I struggled through my speech for which I had done little to prepare, yet still received admonishment from friends for my effort. One person, I thought, was genuinely impressed with what I had said, but we only talked after the retreat had ended, and it was only by the occasional comment on each others' xangas at first, but that was enough to draw me in. She was captivating, and I immediately recognized that I was falling for this girl, albeit far more quickly than I thought was safe, for we had just met. I found myself thinking more and more about this girl as time passed.

Then suddenly, all my plans in life came crashing down. I was unable to rush a fraternity that I had banked both a job and a home for next year in, and weeks of investment fell to the ground due to a poor major choice that had led to a .1 shortage in GPA from what was required to pledge. Also, I was about to invite Michelle on a date, which would have been our first, to a fraternity event, but literally minutes before I made the call, I got a call of my own that reported my inability to join, and therefore to attend the even that night. I knew that I would not get another chance like that for a good long while, and I sank into depression. I was devastated, yet encouragement poured in from the close friends I had gained, even Michelle, and I began to feel better as I placed things back into place. As I was resolving everything, I coped with my failed date plans by assuring myself that this was a clue that I needed to slow down. So I did, and I vowed to simply be a friend to Michelle for as long as she needed one. It has proven very difficult thus far to keep that vow, but I did in good faith that my time would come where the friendship would develop beyond the point in which I then felt stuck. My time would indeed soon come, but it led in a different direction than I thought.

A few weeks ago, I began attending the community group that Michelle attends with the church due to an invite from the leader, and I was sold once I figured out she was in the group and have attended ever since then. We grew closer as a result, but Sunday night, tragedy struck, and the death of a good family friend has put her at odds with the rest of the world and her contagious smile disappeared from her face. I felt the need to encourage her somehow, but nothing came, and I was only able to sputter out that if she needed someone to talk to, I’d be around. It hurts, knowing that there is so little I can do to help, and it is very difficult to wait in the wings and simply hope she is getting better. Before tonight, we had not talked directly, and when she came to the group tonight, she was crying silently the whole time. I could only bow my head in despair, and I began to feel very helpless. I still do, and the brief conversation between us was awkward, and I left quickly when it was over, bitterly unsure of what to do.

I guess all I can do for now is wait, but nothing is harder for me than that.
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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 09, 2005 06:37 AM

Quote:
I had gotten to the near obsessive point to which I needed to see her at least once a week or I was miserable.

I can't recall the number of times I've reached that point, only to find myself unable to mitigate the problem by seeing Laura. It hurts so badly, doesn't it?

Quote:
I guess all I can do for now is wait, but nothing is harder for me than that.

Couldn't be truer on this end.

Your story is so related to mine. Almost point-blank reminiscent, actually. I find it neat how you can go out and (eventually) find people who can make you feel better. That's kind of like my own church; I can't imagine where I'd be if I didn't have them. On that note, I wouldn't even know Laura at all. I guess the strongest points in my life after Laura leaves are my church friends. Perhaps they will help me most during all this waiting.

-guitarguy
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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted March 09, 2005 01:56 PM

We all grow from our experience from life.
We learn to deal with it the best we can & move on writing another chapter in your life.

A relationship causes too much stress sometimes unbearable.
Especially when one person cares about someone so much that thier heart sinks just the tought of losing them & they see that & take advantage of it & then it sinks lower then we even know.

We also are fortunate we have what we have & apreciative of the options in life we have.
SOme countries have it far worst.
We see how bad we have it some have it far worst.

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pandora
pandora


Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
posted March 09, 2005 05:31 PM

I think its such a terrific thing that this thread has become a place where people can feel comfortable enough to share their difficult experiences and recieve support from one another.

To me it really show us how much the community can be, people can reach out from all over the world and take comfort in knowing they're not alone.

Great posts everyone
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"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

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Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted March 09, 2005 09:22 PM
Edited By: Peacemaker on 9 Mar 2005

IM Thank You's

(Sobbing)

At the risk of "too much focus on Peacemaker" I just wanted to send a brief thank you to all those of you who sent me IM's about my post on page one.  I only check for IM's every few days (I have to turn off my security system to do so) and when I did so today, there had to be well over half a dozen of them there.

Never in a million years would I have expected such an outpouring.  I guess I have just always thought of all that as my life, nothing so unusual about having those types of ups and downs.

I became so overwhelmed that I think I might have deleted a few of the IM's without responding.  So if I missed your private message to me or failed to respond, I just wanted to say:

"Thank You."

It meant more to me than you can possibly, possibly imagine just now.

EDIT:  Oh and, by the way, it seems like all these posts in this thread convey very similar things to those in my own. I just have the advantage of being a helluva lot older than most of you, so there's just a bit more of it to report for me.  And you'll all probably find that your life stories and survival skills are just as "incredible" as you think mine are when you get to be my age.  LOL!!!

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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 10, 2005 11:52 AM

To Peacemaker-

I'm very sorry I didn't respond to your post sooner and in better detail. Your post was very helpful, both to this thread and also to encouraging me to be strong. You poured your heart out (not an easy thing!) and brought up some strong feelings that I wasn't very familiar with. That part about your experiences in early grade school: I'd never thought any of those things would happen to me or anybody. In my mind, I would've kept believing that everybody would have it happy and content just because that's how it happened for me. I've never had anybody say to me "I hate you"; only now I kind of have an idea about how I'd feel if someone told me that. Truth be told, I've been sheltered from quite a lot of the bad things out there. So much to the extent that during times like this, when I'm so self-absorbed with a relationship, I only think about myself and grieve over my own little problems. Now I know that there are issues far worse than what I'm going through, so I will try not to let my posts be so engulfed in self-pity. Instead, I'll try to present myself in a more positive manner. I've learned so much from reading about your experience; I will do my best to apply these life lessons to my future. Thank you for the story.

-guitarguy
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Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted March 10, 2005 05:42 PM
Edited By: Peacemaker on 10 Mar 2005

Guitarguy --

Your magnanimity and warm-heartedness are starting to become unnerving!!!  (LOL)

Quote:
So much to the extent that during times like this, when I'm so self-absorbed with a relationship, I only think about myself and grieve over my own little problems.
Guitarguy, I think most people are like this when mired in a given crisis.  Nobody's more self-absorbed than me, especially when I'm in a love crisis.

I think it's very hard not to let a lot of your focus train in on that sort of thing when it's happening and you're right in the middle of it.  I think for many of us it's part of the learning/coping process. The problem at hand is the problem at hand.  Sure, it might help a bit to try and keep things in perspective by considering other people and situations, but you have to cope with the pain of your own crisis nonetheless.

And all that stuff that happened to me when I was a kid -- that was like well over thirty years ago.  It all made for a great character-building experience.  It made me compassionate and I accepted its value as an indispensible part of my personal experience decades ago.  I think that's the whole point of being born and living on Earth here -- that we learn to cope with each thing as it comes, find the value in it if we possibly can, and try not to let it leave us damaged in some way.
Quote:
...I will try not to let my posts be so engulfed in self-pity. Instead, I'll try to present myself in a more positive manner.
I will tell you honestly, Guitarguy, that of all the horrible stuff that has ever happened in my life, by far the most painful and confusing times have always been the times I was going through what you are going through right now.

Please, keep talking and writing candidly about what's going on with you and how it makes you feel.  Good heavens; about the last thing I would want to come from anything I've said would be for it to have a chilling effect.  I'm sure that's true of the others as well.  I, for one, merely wanted to keep you company by telling you I have had "Downhill Times" too, so that maybe you would not feel so alone in it.

And you have obviously started something very important here.  Many people are lauding this thread as one of the best they've ever seen because it's gotten so many people talking so frankly.  We couldn't possibly, fairly compare and rank our personal experiences against one another; that's not what it's all about.  It's all about each one of us dealing with the situation at hand, whatever that is for each of us individually, and perhaps lending support to one another in the process without harsh judgment.

Peace to you my friend. (Sorry this post was so long everyone.)


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pandora
pandora


Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
posted March 10, 2005 06:09 PM
Edited By: pandora on 10 Mar 2005

Ageed 100% with Peacemaker

When you're in the middle of this type of situation, the situation becomes everything. When you're through it, and can look back with the benefit of hindsight then maybe it can be compared to another person's experiences, but there is nothing worse then a broken heart when you're feeling it.

What I feel is great about this thread is the level of honesty, and the way people are opening up and sharing their own experiences. By doing this it offers everyone the feeling that they aren't alone, and are being listened to. It's also just helpful to have a place where you can write these things and benifit both from re-reading your own words, and hearing the feedback from others.

Please don't ever try to present yourself in a way other than what's real for you, what people are responding to is the truths you're sharing, that's what has brought everyone here - don't change it

edit: ageed in the subject line should read agreed, I can't fix it!
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"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

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Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted March 10, 2005 06:09 PM
Edited By: Peacemaker on 10 Mar 2005

- AHHHH!!! Another well-earned QP goes out to Acu!  Bravo!

Guitarguy, gotta tell you man, I haven't had a hard life.  I've had a "colorful" life.  Wanna see a hard life? Go back and read that boy's post.

Acu, I meant to tell you that when I first read your post I felt like somebody had just kicked me in the stomach, man.  You are amazing.  Your stamina and ability to be self-reliant are incredible.
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guitarguy
guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted March 10, 2005 09:42 PM
Edited By: guitarguy on 10 Mar 2005

More emo talk

Quote:
Your magnanimity and warm-heartedness are starting to become unnerving!!!

Looking back over my words, I must sheepishly agree.

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Yes, Aculias' post shocked me too. The amount of stuff he went through was insane compared to my little deal here. He appears to have grown stronger by it, so that's a plus.

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I had a dream last night about Laura; I dreamt that we were together, and yet she wouldn't speak to me. I felt bad as the dream played out, but when I got up I knew better. Just wanted to share about it.

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A new sub-topic to discuss: It's only natural to cry while going through downhill times, as you know. It can make a person feel better by letting out some of the inside frustration, in most cases. I, for some reason, don't cry very often (maybe only once a year on average, if I'm lucky). Strangely very rare, considering I'm not that stoic. The thing is, sometimes I really, really *long* to release these frustrations from deep down, but can't get myself to. Talking to others about something troubling helps, but sometimes I want to go further. During the times that I *have* cried, I felt SO much better the whole time. Almost like being healed emotionally. To keep certain thoughts (not just girl-related) holed up and building in there hurts over a long time. I hope it's not a psychological problem. If you folks have any thoughts, I'd be happy to hear.

-guitarguy
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pandora
pandora


Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
posted March 10, 2005 10:27 PM

Well for me, sometimes when I'm really down about *whatever* I find that its just too emotionally draining to have the energy to cry. Like you said, sometimes I know that I would feel much better if I did, but overthinking it just exhausts me, and I find it impossible to make myself cry even if I wanted to.

In my case though, its partly because I have trained myself not to cry around my kids, children are extremely perceptive, even if they don't understand why mom or dad is upset - they know that something is wrong, so it makes them feel bad. I think in learning not to cry, I've almost forgotten how.

What's amusing is that during these times, listening to the right song, or even seeing some stupid sappy TV ad will set off the tears quite unexpectedly. It's as though I have to be relaxed enough to let go.

So maybe what you're doing is putting too much pressure on yourself to actually give in to what you're feeling, and actually causing yourself to suppress it.
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"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted March 10, 2005 11:11 PM

Thx. I wish my parents can see it.
My dad can care less about my personal life, only about School & I know right 7 wrong so I should never go through anythang in life & my mom treats me like a 5 yr old because i am the baby of my brother so I only rely my brother & friends to understand what I go through hehe.
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Dreaming of a Better World

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