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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted July 06, 2005 02:03 AM |
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Wow...
Well I just spent the last half hour reading up on everyone's posts, and I must say, I thought I was in a downhill slope...My 'bad' experiences pales in comparison to what I've read so far. While my stories may not be as bad as some of the others, i will still share it, even if it is only high school drama.
I'm sure many of you guys can compare to this. Girls, they always talk about how they want a good guy, a guy that will appriciate them for who they are, who will treat them more than a sex toy, etc. I happen to be one of those guys whom girl's come and talk to all the time, complaining about their boy problems. I am usually a shy person around girls, so I dont really share much, but I do all I can to comfort them. I hear endless complaints about how they want a perfect man. Sometimes I just feel like screaming out "Well, why dont you quit dating guys who you KNOW are jerks!" But for some reason I just can't bring myself to do it.
Back when i was in the 8th grade, I met this girl, and immediatly developed a crush on her. Unfortunately, she already had a boyfriend, so I kept my distance. I don't really remember how, but we started talking, more and more often. Soon we got to know each other really well, from what I learned, her boyfriend was a real snow sometimes. She discovered he was cheating on her, so she broke up with him. She complained to me about what I stated above. Soon she found another boyfriend, but he was another moron. He was extremly jealous, and gave her guilt trips constantly, for no good reason. So she broke up with him.
Well it was the end of the 8th grade, and we were moving on to high school. She was worried that her 3rd boyfriend would leave her, since she had failed, and had to stay in middle school, and he was going to high school. I told her he shouldn't, and that I wouldn't. So the summer comes, we barely see each other, and she calls me up crying one night, because her boyfriend dumped her for some other girl. Right now I was starting to get really frustrated, I was practically obsessed with this girl by now, and i couldn't see why all these guy's would treat her like a dog. It was also irritating, that she showed no signs of interest, when 3 boyfriends have dumped her since, and I still stayed by her side, even though we rarely saw each other. By now she knew of my feelings towards her, and she didn't exactly not care, but she didnt share the same feelings.
Ok, I'm in the 9th grade, and hell, I still talked to her, despite the fact that i hadn't seen her in over 5 months. Guess what? She has another boyfriend! I was about to explode with anger, but i kept it under control. Sometime around Februrary, I guess she told him about me, and he got extremly jealous. She called me up one night, and told me that she was sorry, but her boyfriend didnt want her talking to me anymore. I haven't talked to her since.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted July 06, 2005 03:01 AM |
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Khaelo--
Thank you for posting your story. Upon reading it, I realized that you're going through similar issues I'm having all the time. I am, of course, a lot less intellectual and mature than you are, but I'll give this a try. I'm sorry I'm not a big help when it comes to giving people advice; I'll just share my own little accounts in hopes that you'll know you're not alone.
I've spoken about my mom before, and especially about several of her unpleasant aspects. My mom can be a decent person, but she has very little patience to tolerate stress. This trait comes from her dad, and I find it very hurtful to our relationship. While my mom isn't always angry or upset, she can get that way quite easily and quite often.
My mom gets mad at my younger sister a lot because she's irresponsible and doesn't care much for doing well at school. I usually get dragged into the lecture; when I hear my mom say "You guys...", I know she's mad. If I'm in the room at the time, she'll turn to me and mention one of my deficiencies and give me a lecture of my own. And just because it started with my sister.
We have a seven month old kitten living in our house. We had to feed and shelter him since January, and he's been quite a lot of work and stress for my mom. For some reason, the kitten likes to beat us up (biting and scratching). He stays in my mom's room, so she often has to sleep outside on the livingroom sofa (where I sleep). I have to sleep on the carpet, but that's not the point. Making sure he gets fed and taken care of is a big stress factor for my mom. To make things worse, we also own two parakeets. We have to keep the cat locked inside the room, away from the birds. Plus, the computer and printer is located in that room, so my mom and I can't print up papers unless we break inside. My mom is always worried that the little guy will escape and eat the birds, so that makes her tense a lot of the time.
My mom works as a part-time teacher at a local public school. She's very competent at what she does, but the others around her don't even come close. This one co-worker of hers is a real mess up. My mom is often to told to do the majority of this person's work, even though she is busy enough already. This co-worker, along with many others, seriously lacks common sense and good work ethic. My mom says that they'll hire any old person to teach nowadays. So my mom is often stuck with a lot of work that wasn't her's to begin with. Out of the goodness of her heart, though, she won't protest unless something is very unreasonable.
My mom was asked to teach summer school this year, so she has been. But this co-worker person decided to give her plenty of work along the way. My mom's lesson plans take a long time to prepare, so I've noticed that she gets very stressed and tired with so many things to do. She also has to do create a summer school 'yearbook' for her students; she needs to work on this at home. Her partners who are also working on the yearbook aren't being very productive, so there are a lot of things she has to do for them. She was pissed last night, for example, since somebody left her a whole bunch of photo pages to edit and copy.
When stressed and angry, my mom blasts off into a total rant about how she's the only one who does any work at all. She also complains that no one cares that she's stuck with so much to do. If nobody's in the room with her, she'll say these things to herself and angrily carry on with what she's doing. Her foul mood lasts for a while, and then fades suddenly hours later. I find it pretty weird, but very frustrating. It's hard for me to be close with my mom since she can be like that. Worse yet, I cannot tell her about it myself because she'll just get very mad and give me the works.
It always hurts when it has to be a loved one.
-guitarguy
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2XtremeToTake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted July 06, 2005 04:03 AM |
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Guitarguy, while i am capable of writing a long post, i feel no desire to. Alot of your problems seem to stem from one reason which can be easily eliminated - the cat, while it wont cure everything, it can certianly eliminate some stress.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted July 06, 2005 04:20 AM |
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Quote:
Guitarguy, while i am capable of writing a long post, i feel no desire to. Alot of your problems seem to stem from one reason which can be easily eliminated - the cat, while it wont cure everything, it can certianly eliminate some stress.
My mom loves animals. To tell her to get rid of the kitten would be pointless. Besides, we had to take him in because his mother had abandoned him. Because he's human-raised and only a few months old, he won't be able to survive on the outside, says the vet.
Also, the little guy is so cute.
-guitarguy
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Khaelo
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Underwater
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posted July 06, 2005 05:27 AM |
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Wow, GuitarGuy, we have quite a bit in common. 
Troublesome pet: As a HoMM fan, you're familiar with hellhounds? My family owns one.  He sometimes accidentally bites us -- as opposed to our clothing -- in his ongoing quest to prevent any family members from leaving the house, ever. We kept our nights peaceful, and our furniture intact, by putting Milo in a kennel at night. Someone let him out every few hours. I don't know much about cats as opposed to dogs. For a cat, maybe you could get a big box and put in a litterbox? Maybe a pillow? Do cats like that sort of thing? Dogs eat pillows.  Anyway, if you could further contain the kitten, your mom could reclaim her bed. Milo now remains free at night, since Tim is sleeping on the sofa. The couch doesn't look all that comfortable...although it's certainly better than the floor.  Poor sleep isn't going to help anyone.
Thanks to Milo, we now know that our sofa has green foam filling. 
Teacher mom: My mom is also a teacher and also spends a lot of time on her lesson plans. She's working in post-secondary education for aspiring chefs. She loves her students (most of the time ), loves the work, and usually doesn't have to worry about the other teachers. Her problem is the corporation which runs the school. They refused to pay for dry erase markers. Seriously, they would not stock their brand new building, equipped with sparkly new whiteboards, with dry erase markers. So Mom grumbles a lot about the administration, then goes out and buys the equipment she needs. I suspect it's the same thing with your mom picking up after her co-worker, dealing with slacker yearbook folks, etc. If the sloppiness goes unchecked, the students suffer. 
Quote:
When stressed and angry, my mom blasts off into a total rant about how she's the only one who does any work at all. She also complains that no one cares that she's stuck with so much to do. If nobody's in the room with her, she'll say these things to herself and angrily carry on with what she's doing. Her foul mood lasts for a while, and then fades suddenly hours later. I find it pretty weird, but very frustrating.
Yup, yup, yup, sounds very familiar. They should make special shoes for walking on eggshells.
It's nice to swap stories with someone in a similar position. 
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted July 15, 2005 05:12 PM |
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I was thinking for a longer time whether to share something here. Thing is, I don’t consider the inconveniences I have to be real problems, compared to some people’s. But maybe what I say could help some of you, in terms of realizing how carefree stage of life you are in at the moment. I guess I’m in a whoopy-boo mood and i’m probably gonna regret this later.
I’m pretty much happy with life. Objectively might not be the case, but I think it’s a matter of attitude and how you deal with life craps. Most ill spot in my life is the hearth. At home there are four of us, mom, dad and sister. I guess it’s a mentality thing to some degree, phase of aging as well, but even for a culture such as ours, I think home happiness is unhealthy low and its been progressing steadily in that direction for the past years. There isnt a single day to go by without someone shouting their throats off, cursing like pirates, and just in general arguing and being disrespectful towards one another. When we were younger me and sister were the side always at war, with our parents there to mediate, and consequently ally with one of the sides and fight with the other. Nowdays, new alliances have formed. I feel like sister reads my mind very well and we have the same opinions when it comes to reasoning (read: fighting) with mom and dad. Sometimes, when mom asks stupid questions, I let my sister do the explaining even though it’s a completely private stuff of mine. We just need to look at one another to know what we think.
On the other hand, power relations have shifted as well. The traditional Macedonian model of household predicts a head of the family, naturally the father, the mildly submissive wife, and yet more obedient children. Although my parents, especially father, arent particularly conservative about everything, he seems to like this hierarchy and wont let go off of it easily. It seemed to work when we were younger, because he could hit us when we didn’t go his way, but now that there are two adults in the house its different. Actually even then, I was frequently the stubborn revolutionary who always wanted to get his point across, while sister was the wily diplomat getting the easy way out. It wasn’t rarely that father would tell me: “Don’t you preach me about democracy. As long as you are under this roof, you’ll do exactly as I tell you. Yes, I’m a dictator, so what? If you don’t like it, leave!”
Normal communication in the home literally every second day comes down to shouting about the most unimportant little things, spiced up with lots of swearing and insults (by my mom and dad, throwing at each other or at us). Sister and I don’t swear and insult at home, but we do shout a lot. For example, yesterday, it was about mother shouting (asking hysterically) sister where she had put her clothes, while she was on the phone. And I shouted back at her why she’s so crazy nervous. Such sparks in the home, I’ve grown accustomed to. Weird thing is, we don’t fight about big stuff, only unrelated trivia. I’ve had my driver license for quite some time now and I still cant drive the car, because father wants to make sure I can drive, but every time we go we end up at each other’s throats, so I lost any desire to drive. There was a big raw some time ago: We were talking about politics and when we didn’t agree he started throwing insults at me, to which I replied with “You have no idea what you’re talking about. You know nothing about the subject, so leave me alone.”. At that point he started hysterically to shout and curse with his entire available arsenal, until I had to leave the room before he breaks something. I think we’re in the middle of shift of powers, change of class relations, so to say, quite expected for a socialist as me in a family of traditional values.
Mom is more of a meek soul, but she has her periods when she can get in frenzy quite easily. What annoys me the most about her is that she knows how to be terribly boring and simple-minded, and always picks the most “appropriate” time for that (i.e. watching news, reading on the net). Her tactic – asking the most annoying questions one can imagine, to which I eventually lose patience and we fight. She also has this thing about “restoring family relationships” and forced talking, but I think she only makes more mess.
Lets be clear, I’m a bastard as well. I was grown up in such environment where screaming and shouting was the preferred tone of communication. I do things probably few children do with their parents, but then again, my parents do abnormal things as well. It was no surprise that I grew a protective emotional carapace, which explains how the insults cant get me. I feel like I’ve been emotionally distancing from my parents for a pretty long time now, until I came to the point of barely speaking during the day and spending most of my time, reading, TV, music and friends. This has made me completely independent of my home, I have no problems whatsoever when going abroad alone for couple of weeks. Hardly would even call once, if I didn’t have to. Can you believe that I find it mildly uncomfortable to hug and kiss my parents when I come back from a trip or something like that?! But in the end of the day, I’m far from feeling sorry for myself. After all, there are a lot more unfortunate destinies out there, some of which I got to know personally. One pleasing alternative was (is) to find a scholarship for a university abroad and live there on my own, a thought which seemed most appealing. Couldn’t manage this semester, so I’m hoping for the next one.
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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Romana
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Thx :D
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posted July 15, 2005 09:26 PM |
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This story is somewhat familiar to me.
I'd like to know.. How does your sister feel about you wanting to go abroad?
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The darkest skies show the brightest stars
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted July 16, 2005 03:37 AM |
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She's fine I guess. Not too pleased, but there're few other options. Not because I'm running away from my parents, hell no. The thing is that my proffessional field of interest (physics) has almost no perspective here.
Why do you ask? Why does it seem familiar?
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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Romana
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Thx :D
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posted July 16, 2005 11:35 AM |
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Because me and my older brother found ourselves in the same situation with our parents. Everyday screaming abd yelling. My father had been telling us our entire lives we're worthless and he seems to think he's always right and we're just stupid for not listening. My mother just takes the crap from him and stays by his side no matter what.
I moved out when I was 17 and my brother a few months later. Only he moved 300 km's away and I felt he had abandoned me. Even nowadays I have to take crap from my parents and I feel alone cause my brother is so far away and he's the only one who truly understands.
Since I've become a mother though I don't let them walk over me anymore.
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The darkest skies show the brightest stars
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted August 30, 2005 03:25 AM |
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I don't know how to explain this. Not only am I clueless as to where to begin, I don't feel like I want to explain it with all the little details. Sadly, my case would be understood more clearly if I presented the whole story as it is. As I have little time at the moment, I'll just be really brief about my problem.
My mom has spoken to me a few times in private about wanting a divorce. She says that her marriage with my dad has left her somewhat unhappy and her life feels unfulfilling as a result. My dad, according to her, simply doesn't have what's necessary to be a good parent supporting a family like ours.
So she asked me about how I'd feel if they split. I told her I agree with some of her points (because I know my dad is like that often), but I confessed that I would be incredibly upset if they divorce each other. My dad has many faults (not the least of which is his unreasonable degree of impatience), but I know that he does a lot for me and everybody else. I also realize, from the religious perspective, that he is human like everybody else. My dad didn't have the most uplifting childhood experience, and I think that fact should not be ignored. My mom, however, said she is quite surprised that I am against her divorce idea. I've tried my best to reason with her, but it doesn't sound like she will change her mind that easily.
I don't think the divorce will happen for a long while (if it does happen). My dad really isn't a part of this discussion, so he doesn't know my mom and I are talking about it. As the case may be, nothing will happen for a long time (unless my mom gets really pissed at my dad). Regardless, I am most disturbed by the thought of my family being split, on friendly terms or otherwise. I'm talking with my leaders at church and they're trying to guide me through this. Seeking private help at church, along with posting this here on HC, is outside of my parents' and grandparents' knowledge, so I'm basically going against their wish to keep all of this confidential. The thing is, if I kept all of this under wraps, I'd probably grow very upset and possibly go nuts. I don't mean to over-exaggerate anything or bug people for pity, but sharing about my problems on HC has always made me feel better. Any comments are welcome.
-guitarguy
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Conan
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted August 30, 2005 05:49 AM |
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only one comment
don't put yourself in the middle. It's very important that you not argue about this with one of the parents as you do not want to take sides. Faith will determine the outcome, not you.
It's normal for a parent to ask their kids what they think because they don't want to harm them; but answer without arguing the whys.
Anyways, I wish you the best.
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Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted August 30, 2005 05:50 PM |
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Dear Guitarguy --
Hi there. Sorry to hear of this new development. I have some personal experience with this issue that I want to share with you.
When I was just about your age my father announced that he was divorcing my mother. After years of watching my parents living miserably together, trying to make the marriage survive for the sake of us children, I was actually relieved.
But I do understand your wish that they would not. The desire to have your family remain intact as you have known it all your life is perfectly normal.
However, Conan is right. It is most important for you to make clear to your mother that while you may disagree with her decision for your own reasons, it is her decision to make and you will support her in whatever she decides, just like you would want her to do with a decision you were making which she disagreed with. You don't have to agree with someone on a personal decision in order to be supportive and understanding.
You must also make clear, to both your parents when and if the time comes, that you understand this is their issue. You are an adult now. I know we don't even have to mention this to a person such as yourself. But you must not take sides.
This is not as easy as it sounds. It was my intention not to take sides, but for a while I was so angry at my father in the way he went about the divorce I could barely speak to him. He didn't know I was angry because I didn't tell him. I did not want him to know because I did not want to appear to have taken my mother's side.
However, I was also angry at my mother for a time because I was still in the home and I had to listen to her constant down-talking of my father. I felt like she was trying to get me to take her side.
It was an uncomfortable and difficult time for us all for a while. Much confusion and life upheaval. My parents used me to deliver messages to one another, being unable or unwilling to communicate directly themselves. We had to rearrange our financial and living situations. Etc. etc. But in the end it turned out very well.
My mother, having been freed of my father's constant overbearingness, began to blossom. She started studying new things and getting involved and becoming a visible vocal participant in her own life in a way she was never able to do as my father's wife. Within about five or six years she was irrecognizably, beautiflly developed in a personal, spiritual way. She went to other countries and lived with missionaries and started river-rafting and studying new religions. It was tremendous.
Then when I graduated from college, my parents had to sit together at my graduation because the tickets were issued in groups. I was the speaker at my graduation, along with Wally Shirrah (Mercury astronaut) to a crowd of three thousand and three television cameras. My parents were so proud they could not refrain from sharing with one another that day. Within about a year they were talking long hours on the telephone, hammering out old hurt feelings, catching up on the lost years and making friends. They both eventually decided they were much better as friends than they ever were as a married couple.
My father married again and my stepmom is fabulous. My mom, through with marriage, was and is much to busy with her other personal pursuits to even care about such things. She is now 82 years old and has a twinkle in her eye I never saw when she was married. My father is 78. My mom and stepmom act like sisters whenever we have family gatherings.
I once found a little one-frame cartoon, a few years after they had divorced. It was a little drawing of a lovely butterfly flitting past two worms crawling along on the ground. One of the little worms was saying to the other:
"I can't believe it -- there goes my ex-wife!!!!"
I cut that little comic out and gave it to my mother. She laughed so hard when she saw it. She framed it and put it on her dresser, where it has remained for about twenty years and sits there to this day.
I'm not suggesting things will work out so well for you as they did for my family. But they could. When people who have lived together for decades and tried that long to make it work out and they still make one another miserable, sometimes it is better -- healthier spiritually, to actually separate their lives.
I wish you the best, Guitarguy. Hang in there when things get tough, try to have patience with their sometimes irrational, emotional behavior when and if this happens, and talk whenever you need to. Believe it or not, you'll survive it.
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted August 30, 2005 07:47 PM |
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Edited By: Consis on 30 Aug 2005
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Ugly . . . Very Ugly
My Mother said the same to me. And I hated her for it. It took me well past 10 years to forgive her for it. Children are innocent and shouldn't be drawn into matters of the marriage. I was 18 when my mother called and asked me who I'd rather stay with. She also said I would get to change my name to something else. I was disgusted with her. I told her I wasn't going to change my name or stay with either because I was never coming home. And I never did. When I left home, I didn't look back; not once.
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Roses Are Red And So Am I
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted August 30, 2005 08:39 PM |
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Edited By: Jebus on 30 Aug 2005
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GG,
i'd have to agree with Conan.
from what you've expressed (and forgive me if im off) but it looks like your mom might be trying to gain support in her decision and if that's the case, it's not fair for her to be expecting this from you...
Whether your a child or an adult it's never easy when parents talk of divorce but they can't expect that burden to fall on the kids. Kids are gonna have enough coping with the changes that parents should be supporting them instead of rallying them to their cause.
It's also not fair that your mom is expecting you to keep this to yourself especially since your dad is in the dark. I think she needs to address this with the only one involved (directly) and that's your dad.
Having been a victim of divorce myself I can only really get into the effects on a young child (i was 3) but my cousin went through it and he was about 17 or so and was the one who told his mother to leave his dad.(not because he didn't like his dad but because his parents could no longer live together) they had stayed together for him and now he was old enough to see the problems and let his parents know that it's ok to divorce now. He has a better relationship with both his parents now.
You're gonna have to deal with your feelings on this and it's not fair for you to take on the burden of this secret.
imo (of course)
J
EDIT:
I just finished reading PM's post and wanted to add...
I too ended up siding with one parent since my mom got custody and we lived with her...
only when i was about 16 did i find out that my mom was the one that wanted the divorce and that my dad had not only wanted counselling (and my mom didn't) but he fought in court and my mom didn't even go!!
Sufice it to say that my relationship took a 180!, and I have a better relationship with my dad now!
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"You went over my helmet??"
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Khaelo
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Underwater
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posted August 31, 2005 07:25 AM |
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Edited By: Khaelo on 31 Aug 2005
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My parents also divorced when I was 18. It wasn't a shock; they'd been separated for four years prior to the official split.
Before undertaking legal steps, my mom floated the idea of divorce with me. I think she was trying to gauge all the potential complications before going forward. Your mom may be doing the same with you, GuitarGuy. If she's just considering her options, your negative reaction may be a check in her "no" column. If, however, she presses you for support, can you direct her to more appropriate resources? This is NOT something she should be dropping in your hands!
There are books galore about how divorce affects kids (is your sister older or younger than you, again?). My parents even took a class on the subject. Personally, I'm surprised that your mom is surprised that you're unhappy about a potential divorce. Your reaction, as far as I can tell, is quite normal. While working as a standardized test reader, I read hundreds of essays about 11th graders' greatest challenges. Parental divorce was an extremely common theme. That's the main reason I think your mom should seek resources about divorce and families. Her surprise hints that she's not sure what to expect from you and/or your sister (or, again, she might just be testing the waters). As others have pointed out, it's her decision. She needs to be fully informed, to know the effects of divorce in order to figure out whether the current situation is bad enough to risk it. In my family's case, the situation was more unstable before the separation than it was afterwards. IMHO, a split should solve more problems than it causes. And that is something your parents should cope with, taking us back to Conan and Jebus's point that your mom needs to consider your well-being more than your support.
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 Cleverly
disguised as a responsible adult
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted August 31, 2005 09:58 AM |
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Disorganized thoughts on mom and dad
First of all, thank you all for the encouraging posts. In truth, upon reading the above advice, I cannot find the words for an appropriate response. If you'll permit me, I'll just post some additional thoughts I have on the matter.
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I am sympathetic towards both my mom and dad. Because my dad is often recklessly impatient or otherwise seems mentally out in left field, I often feel more comfortable with my mom. In that sense, it'd seem that I'm more inclined to side with her. Still, it doesn't work that way. I have feelings for my dad's side, too. It has to be in the right situations, though.
My dad tends to let out his impatient nature on us kids when my mom isn't around (he's always been like this). Nowadays, it's mostly on my younger sister, since I'm older now. My dad sometimes gets caught in the act of being needlessly impatient, such as what happened a few minutes ago tonight.
My dad got on my sister's case when he found that she didn't clean up some spilt kitty litter in her room. The thing is, my sister was busy doing homework, so she didn't have time to clean it up. My mom walked into the room while he was in the midst of scolding my sister harshly. My mom got pissed, as expected, and made it clear to my dad that my sister was too busy to have done what he wanted her to do. He backed off. That was the end of that, for now at least.
My dad usually always pipes down when my mom gets back at him. He doesn't really argue back at all; he might throw out a meek excuse, but no tense battle ever occurs (what a relief). To see my dad go silent and subsequently slink off kinda looks like he's weak and cannot defend himself. While my mom's treatment of my dad might've been well-deserved, something in me sparks a feeling of pity for him. A strong sympathetic pity, to be exact. It's something I cannot quite explain, but I have a feeling it's my CTN side showing. For that, I am immensely thankful.
I was never as close to my dad as I was to my mom because he didn't always do things with me when I was really young. My mom usually played with me and my sister while my dad ran errands or watched TV. He's usually been distant, not having much inside him to be fatherly towards us. This has an impact on things now. That's why it is mostly my mom and I talking about things together, rather than my dad and me. We have the feeling that my dad would either not want to get involved, or he's just too distant to have a clue.
It should be noted that my dad has the "left field" aspect about him that makes us wonder if he's not all there. He can be clumsy, lacks a lot of common sense, is sometimes oblivious to important things, says things without thinking first, etc. I think this comes from his family's "odd" background (I kinda explained this sometime ago). It's hard to say if he's really without a clue or if he's just not trying his best. My mom certainly doesn't know what to think.
Even with all these things against my dad, I still know there is goodness inside him. Two weeks ago, for instance, I took the bus to a far away shopping mall and I later found out that the bus route back home was closed down for the evening. I called home and my dad told me that he was willing to drive all the way out to get me. The experience was unusually magical in that there were positive vibes going between my father and myself as we drove back home together. I'm usually very tense around him, but this time I felt more at ease. It was kind of because he told me he cared about me. I cannot begin to express how much I cherish those rare times.
I feel for my dad in other ways, too. My mom's gotten pissed at me many times before, and I know just how nasty she can become. When she gets mad at someone, the frustration appears to be quite over-exaggerated. It's not like I'm saying that she's over-exaggerating, but it just seems like it when she explodes. The truth is: I get really frightened when my mom starts shouting. Very shaken, quite frankly. She doesn't even have to be yelling at me for me to feel traumatized. Sometimes I think my dad goes through the same thing; he doesn't know how to deal with the situation. My mom can really leave a nasty mark, so I know that my dad tends to feel beleaguered and helpless. Going further, I am not as close to my mom as I'd like to be because of her temper. Her explosive fits make me feel very uneasy and uncomfortable, in the insecure sense. I find it very hard to side with her because I know she partially contributes to me being generally unhappy at home.
I'm sorry to admit it, but both my parents have left their own distinct negative marks on me. It'd be easy for me to take a rather quick and rash stance by just being against them both, but thankfully I don't have it in me. It's quite on the contrary. I am sympathetic to both sides, despite what they put me through. Both sides appear to shift outside of my favor sometimes, but in the end, I've found that there is balance. What I mean is, I still care for them both as equally as possible, no matter what. It goes back to my CTN roots, possibly.
I'm hoping like crazy that they'll stay together, because of these feelings I have for them. It might appear that I don't know what I'm talking about (and I admit it has been very confusing), but I clearly don't want them to divorce each other. Them being together means so much to me. It gives me a sense of security. I wish I could explain this with more clarity and thought, but I don't think I can at the moment.
-guitarguy
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted August 31, 2005 03:49 PM |
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... first things first,
GG don't ever apologize for your feelings... if you're having trouble expressing yourself you don't need to justify that to us.
it sounds alot like your dad not only had difficutlty expressing his feelings but also expressing himself in general. and if any time he does speak up, your mom gets frustrated and loses it, it's of course going to shut him down. He may slink away from her due to the fear of getting yelled at again. you said yourself that she scares you when she loses control so you can just well imagine how your dad might feel after so many years.
.. if you find it hard to get to know your dad you could always start with simple things like watching tv with and sharring the same shows.. sometimes just sitting with someone and sharring their intersts (as simple as they may be) can make a world of difference.
(just like the action he took to come get you... you guys didn't need to talk for you to feel energized in that situation).
My dad and I were never close until i was of age to start drinking. (we'd go watch a game and have a beer and just shoot the **** and talk sports... that slowly can develop in something good and positive.)
Keep in mind that guys of that generation were never really encouraged to talk about their feelings or learn how to communicate (something women were socialized to do early)....
hang in there.
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"You went over my helmet??"
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted September 10, 2005 09:03 AM |
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Some people need to go out & experience life to understand & grow up.
Some just dont see it until it hits them right in the face, may it be an experience in life or just getting older & seeing what life is about.
We all have stress & we all have our problems, we just try to learn to deal with them & we need to try & keep our heads up.
It seems going downhill for sometime can lead to better thangs.
Heh as long as we dont give up then there will always be hope.
We have to believe in ourselves & people that try to help us & try to cope with people who hurt us or stay away.
Theres many like us & many bad & good people out in this world,Depends on how we deal with our problems & if we turn out being good or bad people.
I had my mother put on the worst mental abuse you would ever hear but now that I am grown up & know many truths, you know it cant be true.
Being a child of innosence we need to understand whats right & whats wrong.
To all the younger people here still living with parents, be patient, there no telling what life will bring ya.
To others with doubts, just keep your heads up & look into the future & dont think about then, Never forget your past but never let it cinsume you,
The road to the beggining of being psychotic.
Alot of good people in here.
I wouldnt lie to any of ya when I say there will be some good in life.
Sometimes you have to let go of thangs or people JUST so you can live you own life & be a little happy.
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Dreaming of a Better World
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TitaniumAlloy
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
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posted September 10, 2005 06:05 PM |
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I was going to start a new thread about this, because Drugs is a fairly heavy topic and suitable for this place it seems, but maybe this threads the right one anyway.
I've moved from a new winter to a new summer again, which means two things: swimming, and it means parties.
I don't do serious drugs, and I don't smoke because I geniunely don't like it, and I can't drink that much if I want to keep my place in the pool.
But most of my friends drink heaps, and smoke, and some of them are even into the heavy stuff. At parties I go to, I see them all falling around and vomiting in a drunken stupor, and I feel they are in another world to me, completely out of it.
I'm starting to wonder, is it worth it?
I mean, an friend of mine I've known since I was young who is years older than me has grown up now, and has had his life basically ruined because of alcoholism.
I know so many people dying of cancer everywhere, it's like it's breeding, contagious, and I know the horrible pain and nausea they go through.
And so I wonder, would it be worth it?
I don't know, maybe it is, maybe I'm wrong.
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John says to live above hell.
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Guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted September 20, 2005 07:04 PM |
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My girl friend Laura is gone.
She doesn't want to get serious anytime soon.
I'm seriously depressed.
-Guitarguy
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