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Heroes Community > Other Side of the Monitor > Thread: Downhill Times
Thread: Downhill Times This thread is 27 pages long: 1 ... 4 5 6 7 8 ... 10 20 27 · «PREV / NEXT»
Peacemaker
Peacemaker


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
posted September 20, 2005 07:15 PM

So sorry, Guitarguy.

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Valeriy
Valeriy

Mage of the Land
Naughty, Naughty Valeriy
posted September 20, 2005 09:09 PM

To TitaniumAlloy,

Personally, I'm missing on a lot of "social life" with people of my age group because I don't take alcohol, tobacco and drugs. As you say, it does get very messy. In the short run it gives people something to associate about, covers up for their lack of sober originality. In the long run it's very damaging as you say. I find that these people have little ability to shape their life, attain long-term goals, form meaningful relationship and develop personal virtues. Instead of dealing with their feelings of inadequacy, they turn to drugs. And the more they swoop it all under the carpet, the more there is under the carpet, and the less willing they are to deal with it. Downward spiral. So if you think what they do is stupid, don't do it. It may mean less "unconscious fun" in the short run, but undoubtedly more "conscious fun" in the long run.

To Guitarguy,

What happened? You asked her the big question?
____________
You can wait for others to do it, but if they don't know how, you'll wait forever.
Be an example of what you want to see on HC and in the world.
http://www.heroesofmightandmagic.com

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted December 10, 2005 05:21 AM

It's npt that important Titan.
I drink only alcohol & occasionally hard liquer & quit drugs for about 2 or more yrs now.
People get older they realise it's not that important but some do it cause it keeps them going & function better.
I say it's all in thier head.
For Guitar.
All I can say is man it's but take it into experience for someone else you meet.
I garuntee when you meet another your feelings will change & it will be dif then you think,if you think shes the only one for you 7 even if not, it will change.
I tend to think people dont know how thier feelings will react to a certain situation until they try.
When comes to love or a new game or how you may feel about having a kid etc.
You never know until you experience it so dont count on saying you are not ready.
Maybe not ready in other expects but feelings you never know.

Maybe it is good news for you that she left you now, you never know it could of been hell later on.
Patience it will happen.
____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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Guitarguy
Guitarguy


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
posted April 20, 2006 12:01 PM

My old pal Kevin died on April 19 last year in Iraq, as I wrote earlier. I still can't believe that he's no longer around. All of the good times from high school are coming back to me now, and I recall the nice conversations I had with him. I also remember feeding him sandwiches every lunchtime, of course! Furthermore, I remember how the silly dean tried to convince me to stop bringing Kevin lunches all the time. Looks like it was all worth a lot.

It's funny how life's treasures can be taken away from you in so short a time. For me, especially, those treasures have been few and far more valuable than other people can stretch themselves to believe. The treasures I'm referring to don't just stop at Kevin; they extend to many other aspects of my life that I hold dear. Things, people, and phases that seem to pass by, leaving me to survive without them. Sometimes I don't know if I'll have a lot left to cling to over the years. Life seems to go on and people change with it, but I feel like I'm still the same person hopelessly longing for the same things. Back on square one, depressed, and living on weary faith. Waiting is the key, I've heard people say, and I just hope that I'll be prepared for the trials ahead. I often lack crucial support when I need it, so I'm easily discouraged. Furthermore, my college responsibilities are weighing more heavily on me now than ever before. My faith has been shaken many times, and I've felt like giving up on more than one occasion. The inviting glimmer of light must not be too far up ahead, I'd tell myself once I regained my stride. And in that way, I'll probably continue on.

It's not easy. It's far from easy.

-Guitarguy
____________

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william
william


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
posted April 21, 2006 06:50 AM

I recently got in big trouble with the school and police.
I thought that I was going to go to jail, but luckily I didn't, that was a relief.
And my mum and Dad are having fights, but we haven't had a really big one for a couple of weeks, but I am really certain that they may leave eachother and I don't know what I will od.
Alot of people at my school accuss me of being a bully and being a small albino (other rude words come after 'albino').
They call me milky, white, white chocolate, albino, and other things, and I just feel really down and I just want to punch them all.
But I can't, as I must control my anger and let it all blow over hopefully.

____________
~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~

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I_HaT3_CT
I_HaT3_CT


Adventuring Hero
XJapan Fan (Rusty Nails)
posted April 21, 2006 12:43 PM

Downhill Times: In many sections of life we will experience this. In relationship[love life], in work, studies and even with your buddies.

Sadness is an emotion that is being hated by all. As im 17 this year, i suddenly can feel a surge of emptiness inside me. Im starting to feel that Life is meaningless. I know this is part of growing up, but sometimes i just feel like giving up on everything. Then several days after i thought that way, i nearly felt like commiting suicide [cutting wrist or watever]. I really am feeling this way. Just the sadness and the hopeless future gave me the power and courage to do this. However, suddenly by any chance, something just struck my head. I thought to myself again, if life is meaningless, why does people want to continue to live life as it is. If a handicapped can continue his life like it is and live life to its fullest, why cant i. But after thinking about this for hours, i still cannot fill my emptiness feelings. Then i was bothered by this feeling for a few days [Luckily i graduated], i cannot sleep well and stuff and everything just made me sensitive. I had no appetite and because of that my father scolded me for eating so little of my food.

I was sad and confused at that time, age 16+. Then i tried talking to friends and singing. It work for a that day. However, the feeling returns. It gets me to think about it for another few days [Luckily i drop the idea of suicide though]. Finally, a few weeks ago b4 i write this posts, i finally sorted out. Even though sometimes i still feel this way, but it is not as serious as b4. Here is wat i think though for those who are interested:[i thought of this when im bathing, maybe people can try it out. Toilets are a better place to think. Im not joking, this is the truth for me]

Life is full of ups and lows. If im thinking about all the negative stuff, i may feel even more depress. Its not like asking people to think about the positive side when they are experiencing tonnes of problems. Its like try to think something better out of the worst situations.
Eg. If you score 40 marks for your exams after you work very hard, you will often think of what is wrong with yourself, why cant you do better or sort of negative stuff. Then after several minutes you will start thinking of quiting or giving up. You will try and convince yourself that you cannot make it and you suck at everything. Then when you reach your goal of giving up, you feel bad and feel that you are worthless and all and this is probably when the suicide thinking come into play. Many of you will actually laugh at this sought of thinking, but this is true to me at least or some of my known classmates. Try this:
1-Think of something a little positive example in this scenario:
Maybe i played too much or something [Finding excuses. Even though if your teacher ask you not to find excuses, ignore her. At this point finding excuses to keep your mind off negative stuff is at least better than going deeper and deeper into depression.]
2-When you got abit confident or felt much better, you can think of a even more positive scenario:
What if im getting a A++ this time. Wow my mom will be so happy[thinking extremely confident]
3-However after so much of inducing extreme positive thinking, it is time to think realistic. But if you got over the idea of thinking positive, you can always write a reminder somewhere in your house. This helps. Then finally put your hardwork to the test again.

@GuitarGuy: You could try and think of him having a etter life up there and also may be happily living in paradise. It is always better to have people enjoying life out there. Think about that way. Think about how happy his life has gone past when he was here with you all. Hope this really helps.

Conclusion - Maybe this will help people in anyway they can. Even to those not involved in the above scenario i made up weeks ago when i was showering. Thinking positive is always helps.

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Valeriy
Valeriy

Mage of the Land
Naughty, Naughty Valeriy
posted April 21, 2006 01:32 PM
Edited by Valeriy on 21 Apr 2006

If you think that life is meaningless, it is a positive thought. There is indeed no meaning to life other than the meaning you believe it to have. So you can create any meaning that you want. It might be wanting to experience working in a particular profession, learning a certain art or skill, or creating something. Other people and books tell us that something is the meaning of life, but aside from their words, what proof do we have that the meaning they say is more true that the meaning we invent?

The feeling of emptiness is quite natural, and it is positive. It is an indication that you are not living your life the way you think is right. It is an opportunity to ask yourself "if I was feeling complete right now, what would I be doing, what would I be thinking, how would I act, where would I direct my energy and efforts?" It's kind of a red light on the intersection of life, encouraging you to look for the green arrow - to change the way you think, act and prioritise in life.

And I think you've also come up with a good method of positive thinking

Edit: to william. As long as you don't believe what they are saying about you, their words can't harm you. Some people like to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. It's not really a victory to shut them up. The real victory is not to be like them, it is to know that you are good without needing to put anyone down.
____________
You can wait for others to do it, but if they don't know how, you'll wait forever.
Be an example of what you want to see on HC and in the world.
http://www.heroesofmightandmagic.com

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william
william


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
posted April 21, 2006 01:46 PM

thanks Val.
Yes the best thing is to ignore them and definately not be like them.
Becuase if you are like them, and then you start teasing other people, then that person that you are teasing was actually you once.
You shouldn't resort to this kind of behaviour.
I have a very short temper, anything could set me off, so it is quite hard to ignore what they are saying.
But I am trying really hard, and sometimes I just want to smash them in the face, but I know I cannot do that, because not only is that being a bully and being like them, but you are also going to get into trouble and that isnt good.
To ignore them is hard, but once it is done really well, then it will work, and they will hopefully stop teasing you because they will think
"hey he isn't responding to us anymore, whats up with that. He is boring now, he used to be fun to pick on but now he doesnt react. Lets go pick on some other kid and lets stay away from the boring kid" or something like that.
They will think that you are boring, and the only reason why they annoy you and tease you is to make you snap and have a tantrum or get really anger and make you get into trouble.
Don;t become like them, instead be a man about it and deal with it  responsiblily.
____________
~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~

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Lady_Milena
Lady_Milena


Honorable
Known Hero
Grannie Sweet Cheeks
posted April 28, 2006 09:49 PM bonus applied.
Edited by Lady_Milena at 18:11, 02 May 2006.

I haven't felt so alive in years
The sun is shining down on me
My eyes are welling up with tears
Tears of joy, tears of ecstasy

Emotions I once kept concealed
Now flow freely like a river
Life's great mysteries revealed
Love's great promised delivered

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

The landscape rises to meet my feet
The sky descends to fill my arms
For once I finally feel complete
For once I know I can't be harmed

All I know is light and love
I feel that I could live forever
While others' troubles seem to grow
I have no problems whatsoever

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

The epiphany that came to fall
Finally helped me reconcile
What I felt wasn't joy at all
All this time it was just denial

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die



I have hesistated for a long long long time if I want to post in this thread or not. Well people speak so freely of the good things in their lives - the peaks of their successes and achievements, of the times they were happy and proud of themselves. But I have to tell you that happiness and grief, pride and shame, strenghts and weaknesses, all of them are two faces of the same coin: one is up while the other one is down. I have come to realize that even in the best, uphill times of life we are the same people who have been on the bottom. Everyone has this dark, secret corner in their heart that they don't want to let others see - exactly because it's secret and namely because it's dark. I know the cost of standing where I am now - and I've paid it in tears, disappoitment and hurt. It has been a hard decision for me to post this. It is very hard to come out and say you're very vulnerable, lost and in need. It's not at all a safe thing to do and where there is risking, there may be losing.

I'm sure you wonder why I posted the lyrics above. I haven't stated that openly before here but well. I suffer from Bipolar Affective Disorder type 2 known also as manic depression. Without going into any details, it's characterised by long and deep depressive periods, often for months, often without any reason. Then it all changes ... just for a little while until it's time to hit the ground again. Once it's ever triggered, it can't be cured but only kept at bay with professional help. People with this kind of disorder, just like everyone else, know what downhill times mean, and we even more so.

Before I was diagnozed with it (which wasn't so long ago), I was often accused that I see downhill times when there are none. But here, really, I want to make a point. Who can tell you what YOUR downhill times are like? Just because the same troubles don't make others feel bad, doesn't mean you aren't going through a really tough period. Downhill times - it's a state of mind, I'd say, above all else. While a well-paid job, a beautiful lover, a big family plus a decent bank account is a dream of many, it's no guarantee for happiness - not according to my experience. Any event in life may look so small or so big when seen through the personal lens of every individual.

My downhill times ... who could really say, were they in my mind or were they real?

My life - just like anyone else's - is like a sine rhythm, with peaks and falls, the falls greater than the peaks. But in general that's not a bad thing because if you've never known unhappiness, you could never learn to appreciate happiness. If there are no peaks and falls, then the line of life would be flat - yeah, indeed a flatline for the soul.

And before I've left you with the final impression I'm lecturing, I'll try to answer as honest as I can.

I knew what it was to go downhill and hit the bottom and stay there when I first yearned to commit suicide. I was 12 then but it was kept latent in the next 4 years when nothing really happened to push me off the edge of the cliff. And then....

With the help of a manual, I started studying the Tarot cards. It was summer 1998. This may be a sudden contrast to the image I have built in the HC but in my childhood and teen years I was extremely shy, introvert, to an extend I did not know how to communicate with others. I was the everlasting flower-on-the-wall, the only surviving wolf cub - and barely surviving too. Until... a girl from my class made me pay attention to her. All of a sudden I was drawn to her and I had made up my mind: my greatest dream was to have her as a friend.

Only I know what kind of clever mechanisms I tried to befriend her but I finally did. Within a month Kate and I became inseperable. Every day she'd go over my place or I'd go see her - every day. It wasn't only friendship for me. It was a goal reached. It was a soul orgasm. It was so good it could hardly be true.

And while she was at the beach, training with her windsurf, I'd stay at home and build towers of cards. I still have a photo of my towers, if you care to see them. I would build them, 3 feet high, and for the top I'd use the tarot cards. Hanging in the air I'd leave The Tower... an interesting card that one.



An allusion to the Babylon tower. A man and a woman with crowns on their heads, struck by a lightning, falling down, their faces forever caught in terror, forever destined to fall but never reach the ground. The Tower symbolizes a calamity but devastating not because it's so evil but because it's sudden and unexpected. Like a stab in the back.

Every time I'd built my tower of cards, I'd put The Tower on top with the words "let The Tower of the cards fall but not the Tower of my life". Let me not be the woman with the crown and the face frozen with dread.

It would not be.

It was Tuesday when it stated but only on Friday I went to see the doctor. I promised myself I wouldn't be reading so much, so the redness of my eye would go down. But no abstaining would help it because uveitis is destructive, reading or not. Since then I say I do not fear death because there aren't many things scarier than seeing a neddle cross your eye from the left corner to the right. In the next 6 weeks they pumped my body with steroids until I gained 25 lb and from the 16-year-old I was, I turned to a monster with an eye black from the eyeshots. The only thing that kept me alive and going was the unshakable support of my only and true friend Kate.

I thought The Tower had fallen for me already but I was so wrong. It was only starting.

How bad is it to look at yourself in a mirror and see someone so strange, so ugly, so not yourself? How bad it is to fall behind in school because you're ailing? How bad it is when the only light in your life  goes out and all turns to darkness?

My best friend met her BF and in a week she completely forgot we were friends.

My appearance was monsterous and I was all alone again. All alone with parents who did not even grasp why I suffered so much when my friend turned my back on me. I was a nervous wreck - but no one would let me take my time to weep for it.

This is when pure honest souls turn to lying for comfort.

When my mother entered my room (she never knocks) and found me in my bed crying like a baby, she demanded an explaination. The first thing that came off the top of my mind was to tell her I had a headache. I cried and cried then and there were no questions asked. It was so wrong. It was so easy.

The next time when she saw me in tears she didn't even wonder. "Oh you have a migraine again?" she squeaked? I only nodded my head. Lies really are so much more dependable than the truth.

This is why this convenient answer became a general excuse. That was the routine, to turn to my sorrow without being reprimanded and punished for it - no my parents really did  -not- grasp the reason behind the grief for the lost friend. The "migraines" persisted. The doctos were confused. Even after 1 months in the hospital and visits by the most prominent professors in town, no one figured out Milena's headaches were actually a clinical depression.

If I could choose to die and relieve myself from this suffering, I would have.

Time cures it all. That's what they say. I don't think that's the truth. The scars remain forever and even if the wound is no longer bleeding, it does not mean it's mended and over with. No everything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Sometimes when downhill times come and when it's time for the sine rhythm to pick up again, it makes no difference if the line is going up or not.

I overcame the loss of my friend and the cruelty of her BF's influence. I've survived but since then there is this weakness, the feeling of *knowing* what it is to have lost your will to live.

Because of my "illness" I was forced to quit school for a year and stay home. Matters finally picked up for me. And for a long while I forgot what it was to wake up every morning with the yearning to die. But for everything there is an end, nothing is eventual. I stood a couple of calm years before the next storm came.

Every time when the times point downhill, I believe things couldn't go any worse, now it's so bad I couldn't survive. I can't go with this post right now because I'm too weak but it's the right place to say that now I do know what downhill times mean. All is well when it ends well. For what is going on with me currently, I have no expectations or even hopes. It's the downhill times.

[to be continued]

____________
God does not need exist to save us...

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Nidhgrin
Nidhgrin


Honorable
Famous Hero
baking cookies from stardust
posted April 29, 2006 03:18 PM

Hey Milena,

I've been reluctant to post in this thread as well.  Your post is so recognizable and touching in a way though, I feel I have to say a few words.  This may not help at all, but even so it may provide some ideas to think or reflect about

In the past I used to be rather shy, I guess that has to do most with the fact that I'm quite a bit different from most people I know - which at the time wasn't brilliant for my self confidence.  But I've always been highly energetic, extremely enthusiastic, and at times all but manic.  I smile 90% of the time and make friends very easily.  Wherever I go I meet new interesting people and have a vast expanding circle of friends and acquintances.

This sounds all great probably, and it usually is.  But there's a dangerous backside in that I tend to spend too much time focussing on the positive aspects of situations or people, while ignoring the more negative aspects.  This has brought me in life threatening situations before, and more than a few times people with less good intentions have taken advantage of me very badly.  I could write two or three books by now about some of the crazy or ugly stuff that has happened to me, and it doesn't look like this is going to end anywhere soon.

Knowing that I'm usually very upbeat, you can imagine why I compare downhill times like that with crashing a jet full speed into solid rock.


At some point in my life, now a number of years ago, things looked so grim that I was really wondering what purpose continuing my life still had.  I thought long and deep, and I made a choice there which till today I haven't regretted a second - even though there were moments when things looked pretty dark aswell since that moment.

In my opinion the point really is Milena, that if you end things at some point you deny yourself the opportunity to look back at that decision in case you were wrong.  Atleast for me that was sort of the thought that pulled me through, even though back then I didn't see how things in my life could possibly improve again.


Ever since I've thought a lot about depression, hurt and grief and what causes it, how to deal with.  In my opinion to a large extent it has to do with loss.  Loss of people or animals you are affectionately connected to, loss of relationships or more general the loss from missed opportunities or failure to achieve something.

A way to minimize loss in your life is to try to detach from material and emotional needs and expectations, similar to what Bhuddist monks are trying to achieve.  I wonder however to what extent these people still play a role in reality though.  It is in my opinion best to minimize the amount of artificial needs, but every human has certain basic physical and emotional needs that have to be met in order to able to behave and function normally.

There is another way to deal with loss which I learned to use through experience.  For me a greater amount of control over my personal life is a path to minimize loss...  I often compare my life with a ship on a huge ocean.  Taking control over that steering wheel doesn't necessarily mean you will face less storms than someone who does not, but it allows you to choose which battles you wish to fight, and which ones you avoid.  It's weird, but when I experience loss now, more often than not it is something I 'chose' to suffer for instead of just undergoing things.  The pain is the same but has meaning, and somehow this makes it much more bearable.

Good luck

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TNT_Addict
TNT_Addict


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Beautiful Liar
posted April 29, 2006 04:17 PM
Edited by TNT_Addict at 16:28, 29 Apr 2006.

What a bummer thread...

I've been down too recently, my talking monkey wasn't as talkative lately as in the past .
Not to mention that the price of TnT has risen sky high and I can only afford 5 per day which is nothing compared to the doses that I take now...
My girlfriend found out that it was me sabotaging her mobile phones and now she bought 5 of them which she carries simultaniously and uses 2 of them at a time just to bug me (and it works).
I tried to meet girls online but for some reason being a womenizing pig does not always get you the chixx... Sup with that attitude!?
I was going to win an important basketball game but a flashback from Dragon_Slayers "Poopie list" went through my mind, got me laughing and made me miss the shot . The look that I've got from my teammates was colder than an ice cold Smirnoff...
And now the lowest part of my life is to be beaten by my friends 7 year old sister at RAW vs Smackdown 2006 , I said she was lucky but all that I've got in return was just laughing and pointing and patting on the back.

Overall not a good month for me...
____________

Please
click and help me out!! Thanks!!

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Lady_Milena
Lady_Milena


Honorable
Known Hero
Grannie Sweet Cheeks
posted April 29, 2006 09:43 PM
Edited by Lady_Milena at 10:53, 30 Apr 2006.

Nidhgrin, thank you for your feedback.

You don't really ask questions, yet all the same I'd like to answer them.

So why they hell am I still alive, it's logical to ponder. First it was duty. I'm an only child and I'm aware than my death would virtually put an end to this semblance of family. Knowing how she acts when I'm out of the country, I can make a fairly educated guess my mother would die with a broken heart and her mother, a widow with a weak heart, 80 years of age, would follow her in the grave. I feel some responsibility. I have to make a point that I have never thought of ending my life just to spite someone. You know, with the spectacular corpse and the pathetic bye-bye letter. I know that if it ever gets to that point, all I'll be looking for is to end suffering that couldn't be ended in another way - mental or physical. I've been very close when deep down in a pit I was virtually shrieking with pain, whimpering, as if someone had thrashed the life out of me. It's amazing how emotional devastation can turn corpreal. I've been that close a few times and I accidently almost committed suicide (one more tranq to make it stop now, I need *one* more tranq now). The good thing was that I passed out before I could overdose. As I said, no theater at all. I may be a drama queen but not when it gets to my own departure from this world.

I can proudly say that now with the help of some serious medication I'm able to control the periods of unbearable depression. Unfortunately, most of those are not circumstances-induced. For most people it's a normal mechanism to suffer a loss and get depressed. For me the first part was/is just missing. I'd cry my eyes out and if I ask, I wouldn't be able to pinpoint the reason.

And while we're at the topic of losses, have you ever heard of the five stages of grief? [I have a whole essay about it, I may show it to those interested] They are namely: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The lenght or the order of the first four depends on the severity of the loss. And I can tell you, every and each person has something to lose. If they don't... life indeed becomes meaningless, if not worthless.

Everyone has an inner hierarchy of needs and priorities which reflect the currect state of being and mind. Example: an unemployed's biggest need is to get a job but that wouldn't really matter to someone who's inherited millions and lives off the interest. Social people would suffer more than loners if they lose the company of family and friends. I don't have to lecture you on Maslow's hierarcy of needs, now do I? It would suffice to say that we all have stuff.... things and people near and dear to our hearts and we don't want to lose them. It doesn't matter if we conceal their importance or not. Nothing's eventual. Nothing lasts forever, so that it couldn't be lost.

And while we're at the Buddhist theme, to end this tedious monologue, I'd like to share something else. This summer I had some profound reflection on the topic of freedom and independence. Or should I say, what's better, to need or not too need? What is saver? What is better? I have the whole essay here. Check it out. I've accented more on the topic of freedom but it still makes sense.

Hope I've not bored you enough... all the more that part 2 of Downhill comes now.




Take away,
These hands of darkness.
Reaching for my soul.
Now, the cold wind,
blows out my candles.
Feeling,
only fear,
without any hope.



So how do you know that crap times are coming?

Are there any telltales or omens or symptoms or indications?

I can only tell you one thing: crap doesn't come alone. It drags along more crap and more crap until you declare it's not worth living. Then things take a turn for the better only to mislead you that there is going to be no more crap. This of course is a lie.

My heart is covered
With thoughts entangled
How could it ever have felt so real?
Is there a place more lonely than I feel within?
Could I have seen?
Could I have known?


Things went really wrong at the very point the clock hit 12 am on NYE. That was the moment when I thought, I love these people I've celebrating with. I really do. And exactly in one year when the clock hits 12 am, I am going to be so far away from here, with other people I love, true, but these times... they are never going to be back.

I felt my eyes watering and I sat down almost numb, reminiscent of the time I cherished the most in my life: high school. People move on, yes, all is dynamic, nothing is eventual but one thing, no matter what you do, you can't change, you can't make come back, for the better or the worse - and that's your past.

Nothing had given an indication that I'd feel so down all of a sudden. Before the New Year came, a few of us were gathered playing Scrabble (a game I really love but I'm pathetically weak at it), listening to music - and how can you be in a bad mood when South Park OST echoes in the room?

I went home on my own in the snow. I liked the coldness on my face. It calmed me down. But barely had I reached the house when I realized that the fog I'm seeing was NOT the snow. I panicked. I have to admit it, I panicked. In November I had had another recurring of uveitis. I've mentioned that before but I think I did not say that with me it develops within hours and when it hits me - it hits me bad. A lot of people are lucky to stop it with eyedrops - I've never boasted with the same. The solution? Go to an ophthalmologist as soon you can, and if that means getting a taxi in the middle of the night when everyone is celebrating NYE, it means in the middle of the night. This condition is so dangerous that left untreated for a week can lead to permanent blindness. Others may take months to reach that state but as I said, it develops ultrasonic fast in me. So there a get an eyeshot for a NYE gift. The avalanche was just gathering speed.

Now to understand the next part, you should be a little bit aware of the education system in Bulgaria. Unlike the States, there are basically no professional licenses here with a few exceptions. In other words, everyone with a BA/BS is allowed to practise. The difference also is that while, say, most colleges/universities in the States grant you the diplom after completing your coursework, here you should not only do so but also pass the so-called National certification exam as well. When you pass it, you get your degree but NOT before that.

I was supposed to take that exam in June - that is, as soon as my coursework was completed. However, because I went to the States, I had to move it to January. You can re-take that exam only once a year too and I don't need to tell you it covers the lectures of those 4 years in university. So what is it like? All the finals until THE exam are by the rule of my University in written text. Let me explain. Here they don't do tests. You are given a topic and you have to write everything about it. Example. You study Anatomy I at Uni. Instead of giving you a multiple-choice test, a professor determines the topic of the exam - say, write about skeletal system. They also tell you the marks up to 2 hours after the end of the final - insane given that 30 or 60 people write at the same time. So all of this should tell you that exams around here have much much much more to do with luck than they should.

Now, the National Certification Exam (NCE) sounds so serious but in fact it's a fiasco. A student chooses 3 topics at random (kinda like the lottery) and three professors then listen to your story about them. And together they determine your grade. Now, pay attention. The final diplom grade is your [GRA+NCE grade] : 2. How can I tell you - it's REALLY important to pass it with a good grade. It's ridiculous that 5 minutes worth of a hearing have as much weight as 4 years of toiling in school. Well, that's what the system is like here - and I'm really not proud to be a part of it. Of course every student has their own grade - if all know their stuff by heart, all may get As. It's known that very very few fail NCE - I've heard that 1 or 2 to about 50 people fail, that given the professors are in a good mood. That's why I studied hard, as hard as my eye condition would let me. I even bought a few boxes of chocolates to treat friends for my graduation.

What happened I did not expect in my wildest nightmares.

Everyone with a friendly face
Seems to hide some secret inside


The topics I was given were so-so. Not my favorites, not the ones I feared the most. They usually give you 15 minutes to gather your thoughts and write down notes to go by during the hearing. I already felt victorious. See, one of the best lessons I learned in the States was that a smile works wonders. I always smile brightly and people relent. I smiled and spoke. I didn't say everything right but it didn't matter. I knew enough to pass. I got up and the next one took my place. I already felt I had finally achieved my BS in Accounting.

There is some time of waiting period until everyone has had their turn, the average is calculated and grades are announced. Still smiling I went back in the room to hear the outcome of the day's efforts. And as they started announcing, my smile faded. D - D - D - D - A - B - D - D - D - B. My heart was racing in waiting to hear my own name.

And when I did, my name first and then the grade, I fainted.

These are the darkest clouds
To have surrounded me
Now I find my self alone caught in a cage
There's no flower to be found in here
Not withering
Or pale to me


The shock that I didn't pass the exam just like 50% of those who came the same day was overwhelming. Smiling the professors said never ever before had they given more Ds in a day. Were they pleased or disappointed, I didn't know and I didn't care.

Now's the time to mention that in Nov 2004 my father like a thunder in baby blue sky told my mother he had a lover and that he was leaving us. I know statistics say half of the marriages fail but there are indications of it in most cases. Spouses quarrel. Spouses shout. Spouses don't talk to each other. Spouses don't come at night. Well, if there are no signs of it, then how do you know crap is coming, eh?

The same night he said that, he moved out. My mother was frenzied. She chopped all family pictures and tossed the pieces in the corridor. All his stuff followed on a shapeless pile next to them. It didn't matter that in a week she changed her mind and ever since she's been begging on her knees for him to come back. I'm not going into much detail why I think my father is a lowlife. It's not the balls between a man's leg that makes him a man, it's for man to have balls. I disdain cowards and spineless, selfish little pricks who could only think with their smaller head. Of course my mother loves him! I can understand how her heart was broken after 24 years of what seemed to be a cloudless marriage. But really, this constant weeping all day and night affected me. The worst part still is that even though she says it rarely, she partly blames me for my father not coming back because I didn't press him hard enough when she was begging me on her knees (literally). But I can see he doesn't love her and why do I want a man in the house who would only spend his money on snows? We need a man here, not a ghost. Marriage is like a fragile china vase - once broken, even glued back, it's never whole any more.

As a result of these neverending I-don't-want-you-I-want-you dramas, my panic attacks grew really frequent and really ugly. For those of you who haven't witnessed a panic attack, you haven't missed anything. Most people take in sharp, uncontrollable breaths and feel they're choking. On TV they'd usually take a plastic bag to breathe in. I wish I had it so easy. Hypervintilating is my least problem. The worse part is the shrieking. And when I tell you I shriek, I shriek, shriek so loud they can hear me down the block and I live on the 7th floor. The worst part yet is that imagine, this goes on for 10, 15, 20 minutes, a piercing shriek every 2 seconds like a Swiss watch. I suppose this is what a banshee sounds like. While not life-threatening, this state is extremely frightening to the on-lookers. It -can- become dangerous because I usually also collapse on the floor and when it gets heavy, I feel totally sick and virtually the bile could suffocate me.

So, add the usual panic attacks to the crap pile. See, it's gathering speed.

We try not to forget,
they live through us.
Slowly they die away at every candle's end


For some time my mother complained of blunt, aggravating pain to the right, under the liver. I can't tell you how many doctors she went to. She probably drank a ton of medication and nothing helped. So she finally went to a urologist who put her through a very unpleasant and painful (without anaesthesia anyways) procedure. I don't know how to translate/spell the name but basically they use this very thin device with a lamp at the end to go through the urethra and reach the urinary bladder so that they could see what's going on there. They have a similar device for looking in the stomach. So there it turns out there's something in her bladder and a week later she's taken in the hospital for another ()scopy. So there the doctor told us they found a tiny lil malformation, they took it out and all went very well. In 10 days she had to go and pick up her hospital sheet (you know, the summary they give you when you leave the hospital). So there I went with her to take it from the ward and bring it downstairs for a seal.

She came out of the ward looking at it. I stretched my hand for the sheet to scan it. When I reached the sentence at the bottom, I froze.

It's a medical term and it's Bulgarian-specific. Blood drained from my face and my hands started shaking. My eyes swelled with tears. What is it? my mother asked me. Because I'm a massage therapist and a chiropractor-wannabe I boast to know a little bit more of medicine than most of my relatives. I knew what the word meant in general but I was no physican. I had to hear it from someone who was. Almost paralyzed I dragged my feet to the head urologist's office.

I didn't go in. My mother went alone. And when she came out, by the calmness on her face I knew I had been right.

Malignant cancer of the urinary bladder, second degree.

If they tell you that's a diagnosis, it's not. Watching the lips of a health-care professional, lips moving for you, it's not a diagnosis, it's a sentence.

So my mother had to go immediately on chemo. In most cases urinary bladder cancer recurred, so treatment was inevitable. However, our greatest fear was that something was pressing her bladder in. Kinda like, if the bladder is usually a full moon, hers looked like a quarter moon. And the tumor was growing JUST on the outside of it. The cancer they found was bad enough.... but more likely than not it was only a metastasis. I don't have to tell you what this means. My mother's first decision when she heard this was to make a last will. I immediately got a panic attack.

There was one way to find out if there were more buggers and how many of them there were. A CAT scan. You've seen that on TV too if you haven't gone through this. They put you in a little tunnel and with the help of a computer scan every and each part of your body they need. Virtually nothing could be concealed from the CAT. However, because of the waiting, 17 days had to pass before it was time for my mother's appointment.

Don't ask me how I slept those 2+ weeks.

My dear daddy didn't even call to ask my mother how she was feeling. Oh he asked her DOCTOR but why should he call and ask her? She was heart-broken, for the millionth time.

So, early in the morning on 21 March my uncle came to pick us up with my mother. The clinic with the CAT was beyond the city's outlines, so we needed a ride. I took a tranq as soon as I waved bye-bye to my mother as she went in the room and they closed the door behind her. I knew crap attracts more crap. It's an universal law. When she came out, she sat down next to me outside in the garden of the clinic (it's a really beautiful place in the midst of a forest). And we waited.

In an hour they called her name and gave her the results. I took the sheet first. I was being the bravest of the three. I read it once and read it twice and read it three times. I collapsed on the ground. I was crying. I was laughing. There were no metastases.

I have a diary entry post Eye of the Storm. It tells more details of the day.  

My mother is still on chemo. She's one of the very few lucky people with cancer. Because the bladder could be reached with mechanical means, they apply the chemo locally. It's unpleasant, it hurts some but at least there is no hair falling, there is no throwing up. She gets tired easily and she's in pain somewhat but it's still luck compared to general chemo.

When you see dark moving clouds above your head and finally, when you last expect it, a ray of light. All your being focuses on it. Hope is one of those great three, right? But a fall is the worst when you are flying high, desolation covers you like a dark blanket when you had your faith and it was smothered. I was given a ray of light to think the sun will shine down on me again.

I couldn't be more mistaken.

This post becomes ridiculously long and the part to come is longer still, so I'll go on with it later, in a seperate entry. Please, forgive any errors/typos/words that don't make sense. I'm out of my mind.
____________
God does not need exist to save us...

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Consis
Consis


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
posted April 29, 2006 10:58 PM

Please Go On . . .

Lady_Milena I am reading it too. Please continue.
____________
Roses Are RedAnd So Am I

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Lady_Milena
Lady_Milena


Honorable
Known Hero
Grannie Sweet Cheeks
posted April 30, 2006 09:25 PM
Edited by Lady_Milena at 23:03, 30 Apr 2006.

So, say, what is a person's home?

When I was a child I called my home the house I lived in with my parents and later, the apartment in the building they raised on the spot of our demolished old house. As I grew older, I understood things were not at easy. I found that out when my grandmother moved out of the place she had lived in in the last 20 years. One day that was her home; the next one it wasn't. Real estate is a tool that people use as a medium of circulation. A house and a home were not the same thing. I got a real idea of it the first time I entered a UU congregation house. Even though I'm born in a Christian Orthodox country and baptized in that faith when I was younger, I never really felt any inner attraction to it. Very accidently online I discovered about the UUs and the very day I set my foot in Nantucket Island, MA, I went to see the place. I awkwardly stood at the door, not knowing what to do. Then the sextand saw me and with a bright smile asked me how my day was going. I've never been in a UU congregation before, I said in my accented voice. But I'm definitely one. May I go in?

Instead of crosses and litanies I found myself in a place that looked like an opera hall and full of flowers. Being a little shy I took a seat at the very far corner of the church. I wasn't left unnoticed. A little bird sang they had a visitor from overseas and for the first time in my life I found myself standing in front of a crowd being cheered without having spoken. After the service the minister took me to lunch. The next Sunday I went alone and sat right in front of the pulpit. Time-wise it was my second hour in the congregation but I was already in love with this place they called a church where people laughed and Happy B-days were sungs. It had absolutely nothing to do with the solemn air of the Orthodox church and the severety of the looks of the saints and martyrs staring at me from the walls.

As far as outsiders were concerned, I was an alien particle but at last I felt right at home.

When I left Nantucket 4 months later, I cried and my friends cried with me. It's sad because I never received such a bye-bye miniparty before my initial departure. I wished for dear life to stay but I wasn't meant to. My visa was expiring and I was urged to go back home. Well. I knew I was going back to Bulgaria, as simple as that.

All of this was an extreme surprise to me straight from the start. The US government lets exchange visitors, students, to stay in the States and work around for 4 months during their summer break. I took this chance because I was in the bad need to prove to my parents that I can survive on my own despite their claims otherwise. Maybe I could have some money of my own too. It was a thought. I had to give it a try.

Come into my world,
See through my eyes.
Try to understand,
Don't want to lose what we have.


I was prepared to tolerate America but I wasn't prepared to like it. I'm totally aware it's the place I went to that did it. I'm sure that I would have gone crazy in NYC or LA or Chicago. However, withour really knowing it, my fate took me to Massachusetts. A city is like an open ocean with shark around every corner ready to eat you.  Cape Cod and Islands are a different America. Even though 9/11 put an end to party time in this picturesque tourist resort, people don't change so fast. What made me relent and break down was that even though I was virtually a stranger, a foreigner to that, folks did not make a difference. I was invited to parties and homes and people didn't even lock their doors behind. I was prepared to be tolerated. But honestly, I wasn't prepared to be liked.

The ironic part is that Bulgaria takes a totally different stance at me. With a few exceptions I can say I have no friends - that's why the internet takes so much of my times. It's the poverty - but it really isn't the poverty that makes me sick of this place. It's the people. Happiness doesn't flourish in a place full of attempts at deception. Strangers don't smile. Honestly, it's the attitude. It's the lack of trust taken to the extreme. It's so easy to say "pardon" and "thank you". The severe deficiency of these words throughout the country is disheartening. Don't believe what they tell you. Bulgarians don't trust Bulgarians. I'm not complaining, I'm starting a fact.

I couldn't wait for the second summer to come, for the second opportunity to go. This time I headed to Provincetown, the most .... should I call it ... flamboyant place on Cape Cod, if not New England. To those not acquainted with its nature, let me compare it to Key West in Florida and San Francisco in California.

And just like the last piece of a puzzle, I felt how I fell back to the place where I belonged.

Home is not the four walls, the concrete or wooden box where you go for shelter after work. Home cannot be measured in square feet or currency. A house can, but not a home. A home is your fortress, the place you feel sure and secure. It's where your heart belongs and mine belongs to Provincetown, MA.

From my previous posts you've gathered the impression that I've never been too fond of our warm little family because it's small true but never been warm. It's not that my parents didn't try, it's that they never succeeded. I've always wanted my mother to be a little more empathic and my father a little more manly. In other words, even though I had a family, I desperately craved for one. I found it in the face of Loring and Karen in Provincetown and their cat Hootie.

Through the mist I see the face
Of an angel, calls my name
I remember you're the reason I have to stay


Don't argue. He's the best cat in the world. Among the prettiest too but really the best. He's a part of the family. And if 1/10 of all humans had his disposition, the world would be a MUCH better place.



As I've said before, the quantity of help is not a big deal, it's a big deal to receive a little bit of help when you really need it. So when my ex employer (I've discussed that topic in another thread) threw us out with my coworkers/roomates, Karen and Loring took us home. First I stayed with someone else too but the most important of all was that at 3 pm I was homeless and within 3 hours I had a place to stay for free for the next 2 weeks, nothing asked in return. I can tell you I'd *never* have three people open the doors of their homes in Bulgaria, not to mention a foreigner, no no.

So tell me, how can I not love this place? How can I not love its people? How can I not call it home?

And because I know the question "what does this have to do with downhill times" has arisen probably about 7 minutes ago, it's the time to note that any event taken out of its contest loses its importance. I can tell you how I feel but without all of this you won't even know why.

Karen and Loring, don't get me wrong, aren't perfect. She has a liking for the bottle and Loring's more of a choleric than he should be. She's 50 and he's 68 but god forbid you think old and retired. Both work like nobody's business and even though now in the past, Loring's sexual adventures still up to date have made him known as Doctor Love. In this city if you're not queer, you'd odd. I'm telling you, people who'd pass unnoticed in any other part of the country, stand out here. These two guys may be far away from saints but they are my Mom and Doc.

As I am soaring I'm one with the wind.
I am longing to see you again, it's been so long.
We will be together again.


I'm disgressing too much. I'll just say that with their help I found myself back in Provincetown last year, with a secured job as a massage therapist at the two biggest local spas. Doc's role in helping me get my license was immense. Honestly, I wouldn't have made it without them. We had our fallouts but until the end of the season we stayed together. I'm a poor student from abroad. What could I give them? Just my genuine affection. And they deserved it all because they never asked for anyhing else.

Needless to say all this time I was building plans for the future. There are two careers that I'd love to pursue in my life - of a UU minister or a chiropractor. The one thing that made me give up for now the idea of ministry was a talk with my minister and her helpers. While no one denies I'd made a great minister, the competition for every spot on the coasts is vicious and the supply by far exceeds the demand. Then, as I got introduced to bodywork and found out it makes me happier than any other occupation I've had, chiropractic came to my attention.

We've been dreaming
But who can deny,
It's the best way of living
Between the truth and the lies.


I've said that before but most people's biggest problem is that they don't know what they want. They can't make their minds. They are going somewhere but they're not sure where and of course, why. Now, that's my biggest problem. I know exactly where I want to go, exactly why I want to be there, why me. The point is, the hill is over there, beyond so many mountains, beyond a great body of water.

It's just strange. It's just strange how America from a far-away land, from a myth and a place of controversy, it began forming its own shape in my soul. It's strange how those people that lived in that other continent did not seem alien any more but became a part of me, became my people. It's really strange how for me, the US became us.

Don't get me wrong. Most foreigners think of this country as a cow that can be milked at their conveniece, if they're lucky to get their turn at it. Well, there isn't much milk left in that cow and I know it. It would be a lie to say I don't feel better that I can make a better living there but it would be a huge lie to say that's why I call it home.

It really makes a difference if you're a massage therapist. While for me it's shameful to say that's how I earn my money because people think of it as the dirtiest of jobs, if not prostitution, in Provincetown I lift my chin high and say what I do. I'm liked. I'm respected. I'm a somebody. And this makes me feel so great because all the respect and affection I've gathered is not because of my parents or heritage or money. I've worked for it on my own and all the success I've gathered is in strong relation to the qualities I've displayed. It does sound conceited but I don't care. As an alien I have a higher status in MA than as a native I have in Bulgaria.

You already know that last Oct I went back for my NCE in January, which I failed with a bang. I was racking my brain how to make it for Jan 2007, spend the money and overcome the visa limitations to come back. Well, I knew I'd think of a solution sooner or later but the thought was at the back of my mind like a dark cloud. Hell, I had a job. I was making good money. For chiropractic you need credit hours at college but no degree. I was going to make it, yes. Last year before I left I was promised that should I decide to go back to my jobs, I'd be more than welcome to.

See who I am,
Break through the surface.
Reach for my hand,
Let's show them that we can
Free our minds and find a way.
The world is in our hands,
This is not the end.


A little before my mother's CAT this March I decided to drop a letter to my primary employer and let them know I'm coming. I received a very courteous reply back that their summer positions were already taken. It can't be I whispered to myself. But it could. I had no job to count on.

I'm not going into details what path I had chosen for going back this year. However, since I was done with coursework, I no longer qualified for the program that I was on for the last 3 years. It will suffice to say I went through fire and hell to get a tooth fairy to touch me with his magic wand and teleport me home for the next 9 months. My plan was to accumulate money during the summer season, then take the science classes for chiropractic in a community college.

Plan was finally working out fine. It was that other ray of light that reminded me there is sun shining somewhere there and just like all other people, it could be my turn to bask in its glory. Too much crap had happened within those short 4 months, starting 12 am on NYE. My time for coming. I made a plane reservation for 2 May and I had a nice schedule for the next 2 months ahead.


All of my memories
Keep you near
In silent moments
Imagine you'd be here
All of my memories
Keep you near


I haven't mentioned it before but there were some special circumstances about my yearning to go back to Ptown. First of all, I left behind a GF, for the first time this semblance of a relationship that was blooming in the last days of my stay there. There.... there is this special someone I met online in November. We had a lot of common goals, we did, the two of us. We were planning to meet in person in June and ... stay in touch if we liked each other enough. I'm not going to say it because my fingers burn but ... if things turned right... we could. Well. How do I say it. We could give it a shot of maybe living together. Try to see if we could be people like everyone else. People who grasp for reality often find comfort in dreams.

I miss your laugh, I miss your smile
I miss everything about you
Every second's like a minute
Every minute's like a day
When you're far away


I really don't want to elaborate on this because when you post on public boards you never know who's going to see what and how it could reach the WRONG ears. I want to tell you of a very short story. Around a year ago a friend of mine and I were talking about an ex of his. Even though their relationship was over for a long time and she dated people at random, he couldn't forget her. I understand she's pretty, I told him. You were together for a while. But isn't it time for you to move on? And this is what he told me. Have you ever watch someone sleep and thought you could do it forever? Breath frozen in my throat, I said yes. So then you understand me he said.

I did.

If you have ever felt that someone's presence is enough for you to sustain you like food and air and water, you certain have an idea of how I feel. Not even touching, not kissing, just being there, skin, bones, muscles, eyes. I couldn't wait for May to come. I couldn't wait to take that plane. And as I'm typing this, tears are swelling in my eyes. When you are under water, the thought that keeps you going further is that in this certain moment you'll have a breath of air and it will make all the difference in your life. That breath of air was indeed there, an ocean ahead. I was holding my breath. Air was coming, coming in May.

I have everything all set. Shopping was all done. I have summer clothes and winter clothes here in my suitcase (plus those two suitcases with summer clothes waiting for me in Ptown). Shoes, lingerie that I won't be able to get overseas. All is gathered in a neat pile right next to my foot. I was ready.

The last step towards going back home was to get a visa. My papers are perfect - and how else when I've spent sleepless nights pouring over them? All my dreams and hopes and future were gathered in a paper folder, ready to be checked at the interview. Yes, visa interview. You can't get a visa before you pass it. So what is it like? You have to book yourself an appointment at the consulate, present your documents and wait for a vice-consul to ask you questions.

Vice-consuls are gods. They are kinda like the professors in school. They give you a hearing and they give you a mark. If you pass, it may have to do with your skills or knowledge, or it may not. Just like no one knows more than the professors with the fat titles (and there is no one to go to and ask for a second expertise), there is no higher force above the (vice)consuls when it gets to getting a visa. There was a scandal when the governer of South Dakota sent an invitation for someone to come visit and the vice-consul refused. There really is no saying and going for an interview is a Russian roulette. No one is insured against refusal. There are certain factors that may tip the balance in your favor but never a guarantee.

I've gone through the burning fires of visa interviews 3 times already and 3 times I came out victorious. You'd think that they'd see you're fair and honest and come back in time. I was optimistic. I took my money from the bank, ready to buy the ticket the same day. I was going to be home soon. So soon.

In anxious expectation I lined up to have my documents scanned and sat down in the waiting room, waiting for my name to be called and get my couple of minutes of attention, hopefully a visa too. Even though I entered with the first crowd of people, everyone got their turn, some had good news, some had bad news but all of them went. At the end the only people who remained there were a woman with her daughters, another student and myself. And then I was called.

The vice consul was a young plump lady with short hair and glossy lipstick. I knew what I had to do: let her look at my papers and smile brightly. That was the ace in my hand. So she looked through very quickly and said, So you're done with coursework? Yes, ma'am, that's correct. I'm sorry to inform you but you don't qualify for this program any more And bang, she banged a "rejected" seal on my application. But, ma'am, I squeaked in desperation, I'm on a different program! As a trainee, I'm eligible up to a year and a half after my graduation! Oh. Then why don't you come back when you've graduated?

And that was it. She had already sealed me as rejected and did not care any more. It was the easiest thing to hand in the ready papers. And she did.

They just tend to stand
Out of the rain
Thinking but not acting
That they're not to blame


I collapsed on my way to the door. Security splashed water on my face to help me but it was too late. A simple word, NO, had changed my life. I tried to explain, get out but all I could manage was stuttering. I didn't stutter before, not unless subjected to great stress, never for longer than an hour.

If there may be any image of the world crumbling upon a person's head, that was me right there. No job. No family. No cat. No GF. No church. No home.

The suitcase is still by my foot. I don't have the heart to put things back to their places. Every time I try to, I feel I'm choking.

I'm prone to think it's all because I didn't take Boo with me. I accidently saw this cute TY I call Boo in a supermarket when I was shopping groceries and I immediately fell in love with him. I've never spent a night without him before the interview. I took him with me on my vacation around the States, when I went back to MA and on the trip back to Bulgaria. I never left him even when I was invited to sleep at other people's houses in winter. But this time I didn't take Boo. Call me supersticious but maybe if he was in my bag, it wouldn't have happened this way. It was me just a way to explain what couldn't be explained. I don't know and I don't really care.



I feel so cold inside
Sorrow has frozen my mind


I can't eat, I can't speak. I stuttered for a day, then completely lost my voice. The only nutrition I've taken since that day is fruit juices that my mother literally stuffed down my throat. I've already lost 10 lb and still going down. Grief is eating me alive.

Well, can I appeal? Oh I can appeal. But statistics point out that only 15 to 20 % of the appeals make it. I've already lost precious time. And my heart is broken.

Oh I wish I could stand in front of the vice consul again and tell her right to her face she may be from the US but she's not one of us. I have the heart of a yankee and even though I'm not born on American land, to American parents while she is, I'm no less yankee than her. There are people out there who care for me, people I can my friends and my family. I may be born where I am now but in fact, I'm exiled.

The greatest, greatest irony of all is that the green lottery still exists. Every year 55,000 people and their families are given permanent residence just because they are lucky. Almost none of them has been in the States before. Most of them can't speak more than basic English, if any. So many, many, many are given the easiest path by only filling in an application and adding a picture. It's ridiculous. It's idiocy.

Fear of who I am becoming
I fear that I'm losing
The struggle within
I can no longer restrain it
My strength, it is fading
I have to give in


People tell me with time I'll feel better. That maybe my appeal will make it. But I'm in fact poisoned. I'm sure there is an antidote out there but it's a matter of timing. I may get the antidote. But it may be too late. What time can't heal, just makes worse.

I'm feverish right now and I'm getting weaker. The sole reason why I'm up is because, I'm admitted, I'm on tranqs. Perhaps this is exactly why I said all of this, why I spent so much time to type a story that's too personal. I'm not complaining and I'm not waiting for sympathy. It's not like my BF has dumped me and I need someone to hold my hand and say there's plenty of wish in the sea. The only solution to this sad story is not to get used to the idea that I've been turned down but to be let to go home. And that no one can help - not my friends, not my family, not the cat, not anyone.

But perhaps this is exactly why after all this crap time I'm still alive - because I still have stuff to tell to the world. I have stories and a novel to complete. It's really not about leaving a mark in the world. It's about justifying why I'm born and breathe.

Made me promise I'd try
To find my way back in this life
I hope there is a way
To give me a sign you're okay
Reminds me again
It's worth it all
So I can go home


I'll make another add-on if I'll be allowed a new hearing. I may still be among those 20%. And that's what keeps me going.

Over and over
I felt so small
But one day I'll be stronger
And you better watch out




P.S. I've used Within Temptation lyrics - been listening to their albums the last few days.
____________
God does not need exist to save us...

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Valeriy
Valeriy

Mage of the Land
Naughty, Naughty Valeriy
posted May 06, 2006 07:18 AM

I've just read your posts, Milena. It's hard to reply to so much, but when I think about it, I don't have much to say. Except that I've read your posts all the way through and felt what you wrote. A simple I hear you.

What I say below is just a thought, not something I am saying as a comparison, or a suggestions. It's just something that I am thinking about after reading what you wrote. Word "you" is often used non-personally, applying to anyone.

I am also no stranger to depression even though I was never diagnosed nor ever took any medication from it. I've read your essay about chemicals, love and addiction too and it made me think. My belief is that we generate these chemicals when presented with particular stimulus, and that the mind has a hard time telling between vivid imagination and reality. Combine those two and you can have an ability to control your own brain chemistry. A tricky art to master as your willingness and ability to practice it is controlled by the very thing that you are trying to control. But it is possible, if one has the will to make it so, which is the hardest part. This theory can be viewed in terms of chemicals, or in terms of energy, basically imagination applied to illicit whatever varies the mood, or is the mood.

I guess the biggest question is, "why lie to yourself?" The answer is simple, we watch movies and read books, many of those are lies, but we go through that experience and often feel good afterwards. We imagine that it is true, knowing that we are imagining that it is true, while allowing ourselves to fully experience how it would feel if it was true. So I could say it is movies in imagination. It happens every time we ask ourselves, "how would it be if ...?" It is often painful to do such positive experiments because it's easy to switch to the negative experience of not having what you just imagined in reality, as in:
experiencing "What it's like to be with a person I love"
and then experiencing "There is a person I love and I can't be with them"
Obviously the second experience overrides the first. Essentially it is not a way to fool myself about reality, it is simply understanding how pictures in my imagination trigger mood responses and using them consciously, more at will, rather than having it happen according to external triggers and conditioning.

I have been experimenting with this theory and can say that the brain doesn't know a difference between a state induced deliberately via vividly imagined experiences, and a state induced via actual experiences. This is because there is some kind of middle processing buffer between the senses and the brain, where the picture is put together, imbued with meaning, and only then the brain reacts to it. In imagination, we create in that same buffer, it's just that the creation does not come from the physical senses. This is exactly what worrying is. Except that people most often don't think about learning to worry deliberately and positively. Deliberate worrying upside down. And the biggest problem when people unknowingly apply this technique is that they negate it straight away by creating and feeling the experience of not having what they've just imagined themselves as having. Once again, it's hard to explain, it is not fooling yourself into believing things, it's like projecting a positive movie in your imagination, watching it intently, as if you are in it, and then staying with the positive feeling, just like after a cinema movie. Understanding that it is fiction, but keeping the feeling of what it was like to be in it.

I believe in life some people have good experiences and some people have bad experiences. And somehow for some reason my awareness is focused on one of these six billion people. Among six billion, there are people who experience true love, most horrible suffering, hapiness, loneliness, worst depression, fulfilling work, hopelessness, everything there is to experience on earth. And why is a particular experience supposed to be happening to a particular person, especially the one I'm focused on? Someone has got to experience what this person is experiencing, and it is noone other than him that does. The world would be somehow incomplete if he didn't. What makes an experience of love and hapiness less significant and enjoyable if it's not happening to the person that my awareness is focused on (me)? According to what rules or justice should my awareness be focused on a person who has "better" experiences and someone else's awareness on what this "me" person is experiencing?

What makes a particular experience more desirable in the ultimate sense? If we didn't know that happiness means "good" and suffering means "bad", would we have a preference? What if the ultimate aim is to know what it's like to experience what our person is experiencing through his/her lifetime? After the life is over, what is the difference in whether it had more "happy" or "sad" experiences? On which scale can we compare them?

In my personal life I've experienced quite a few things I didn't want to experience the most, and after a while (a long long while) my attitude gradually subsided to be "I'm suffering a lot now and it's ok, arms and legs still in place, perhaps this was meant to be, I'll just feel what I feel and see what happens later". Basically I've stopped fighting the negative and struggle less for the positive. Less weighting to experiences. Hapiness is an experience. Depression is an experience. Both are experiences. Life is an experience. And ultimately I'm not a big deal on a big scale of things. There are plenty of the six billion people who are suffering, and worse than this one. What makes this person's (my) suffering such an importance?

A very important observation I've made is that an experience can't hurt me. Once when I was in a very heartaching situation I've looked at my limbs. They were in their usual place and operational, the rest seemed to be functioning too. Unless I physically did something to myself or amplified my negative thoughts to the point of complete pain, the negative experience wasn't actually causing me any harm. It was like a scary ghost, which has no substance to punch me with, but can scare me into running, falling and hurting myself, or hitting a wall in the dark.

When I think about not wanting to live I think that I'm not necessarily authorative enough (I didn't create myself as a person, if God did, God knows better what he/she/it was doing) or knowledgeable enough (about the future) to make this decision (for instance what if after 10 years I'll be happy ever after? who knows). I also think that before I kill myself there's a list of things I'd want to try first, like becoming a meditating hermit, or reading a particular book thoroughly and following all of it's ideas for a few months to see what it's like, etc, etc. As in, if I would be willing to give this life up, that means I can try absolutely anything just to see what happens - I have no fear - what would I try?

I guess that's what you get from a guy - a "constructive" technical response. But it wasn't really that, it's not advice. I've read what you wrote and felt some of what you felt. You've shared some of yourself and I've shared some of myself here. Some of my thinking. You can probably tell that I'm quite alone in my mind, as the above will sound like nonsense to most people, as most people haven't considered the possibility of being distinct from their perception, and the possibility of their perception and senses also being distinct. And most of those who considered it haven't changed anything in their life as a result. And personally I just can't help it. What is fascinating and fundamental must be questioned and understood, and this experience of sadness and depression is like a drive to look at these puzzles, to understand the patterns and redesign them, and perhaps in the end to find that there's nothing to look for, and everything to be with. Total acceptance (in practice). The way those monks don't care what happens to them. Why don't they? Because they create their inner experience without needing to arrange outer triggers for it.
____________
You can wait for others to do it, but if they don't know how, you'll wait forever.
Be an example of what you want to see on HC and in the world.
http://www.heroesofmightandmagic.com

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TNT_Addict
TNT_Addict


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Beautiful Liar
posted May 06, 2006 09:18 AM

I guess noone cares about my tough time ...

And even worse the seriouly bad condition of my talking monkey...

@Lady_Milena I guess the doctors of today are trying to hide the real cure to your depression illness cause they need the money that they get out of the treatment of people like you...

...And the real cure is dating someone like Mr. TnT over here with mua you won't have the spare time to be depressed, me, you and my talking monkey would have awesome time together so cheer up. And think of the good times that are yet to come...
____________

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sick_46_boy
sick_46_boy


Known Hero
*Lord of the bones*
posted May 15, 2006 03:50 PM

Yes!

For me all come down hill when warstart in my country.Butt day when I must runaway from my home coz enemy was to close to me and whole of those tanks and artillery who are coming on our way was so sceary theat I think"my god will I ever come back to my house"all my stufs I leave there,and only thing wich I may get with me is memories.
____________
Once I used to be what you are now! And you will become what I am!"

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TNT_Addict
TNT_Addict


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Beautiful Liar
posted May 17, 2006 10:28 PM bonus applied.
Edited by TNT_Addict at 22:34, 17 May 2006.

God is writing some twisted scripts...

I cannot believe that tonights evening, one I was waiting for almost three months now has turned into one of the saddest in my whole life.

I was all prepared for it, had my snacks sorted out into 3 groops: salty, spicy and sweet. 2 sixpacks of "Tuborg green" for my guests were set on the table, all was ready for UEFA champions league final match between spains FC Barcelona and englands Arsenal. We had a blast watching it for the first half an hour till I recieved a phonecall from my friend which I haven't spoken to since I had left the army one year ago. He was ranked higher than me but that did not mean that we couldn't be good friends, we had our share of disagreements but nothing unusual. I really had no idea what could he want with me after such a long time of lost connection between us. And just then he landed the bomb on me...

When he said that this is really about my ex-girlfriend from the army I was very intrigued and started wondering if she wants to get back together with me, but then he metioned a plane crash which took place 20 minutes ago. He is still serving under my former captain and so did my girlfriend so he was immediately informed of the crash and was summoned to the base to write a protocol about something... He said it was a Hercules type of plane which the army uses to transfer soldiers quickly from base to base, it had a landing malfunction and had to land with only the rear wheels out because it had ran out gasoline and there was no chance of refilling the tanks in mid air or fixing the problem from within the plane.

It crashed face first into the landing strip... Actually it is the second time this has happened in 4 years last time 2 died, this time 4... Including my former captain under whom I served for 3 years and my ex-girlfriend his secretary and two civilians. How they have died is still unknown, there would surely be some investigation. Was it the impact? Were they punctured by something sharp? Only god knows right now but tommorow at their funeral I guess we all would know...

I couldn't believe him right away, and with my friends annoying, shoving and shouting for me to get back to the game I couldn't really take it all in at once. The game was no more for me than a snow screen like when there is no reception, my evening of inticipation was ruined and so were all of my good memmories of the army. The days I spent with my ex-gf laughing at the office, pranking other guys on the phone, driving out together on missions and stopping to make out at the beach... The way she loved her black silcky hair patted by me, I sure loved the coconuty smell of it. Her sense of humour which knew no other competion, I coudn't fall for a humourless type of girl, it just means too much to me. Now she is gone forever and I will have only one last chance to say goodbye to her tommorow at the millitary cemetry, I wish I could kiss her for one last time but I am sure that they would not allow me to.

My commander, all I can say is wow... I do not know much about other countries armies but in the Israely army the officers are trying to be down to earth and treat their soldiers with much respect, thats if no rules of discipline are broken. He always gave me almost everything that I wanted, my own room, a TV, a fridge, queen sized bed... Everytime that I had asked him for a vacation he agreed to let me go without any arguments and bloodsucking. I remember this one day when we all went to the dead sea, I used to pick on him and always drown him in the pool (that is when I got tired of doing it to my gf). We even drank beer together at pubs and started a brawl with some bad mannered teenagers, we took a beating cause we were outnumbered but the both of us have gotten a week of recovery from illness day from a doctor buddy of his so there wouldn't be any questions arising from the higher officers. It was a secret till the day I had left the army and decided to tell everyone about it, although noone believed me, we had a great laugh and this last day is burned in my memmory for all eternity.

As I sit now in a park near my house after I left my buddies to themselves to enjoy the game which they had also waited long time for, writing this on my friends laptop and smelling the freshly cut grass and the nights sprinkles I'm still all shaken up and barely pressing the buttons but this is the only way that I could deal with the situation right now. This is the only thing that could take my mind of tonights events if only for couple of minutes. I still wonder how am I going to sleep tonight? I think I wouldn't...

I will get in my car and drive to the beach were we spent much of our time together, might even take a dip. Should be relaxing, the sound of waves breaking on the rocks, the smell of salt in the air and the feeling of wet sand. Then I should get myself ready for the funeral in about 10 hours from now... A double funeral...                  
____________

Please
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NavonDuSandau
NavonDuSandau


Adventuring Hero
of Black Sheep Tavern
posted May 17, 2006 11:33 PM
Edited by NavonDuSandau at 23:45, 17 May 2006.

I was about to write how you get used to losses during life, but now that I read your message TNT, I think I reconsider that point.

I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Unless you have lost someone close to you or you have almost lost someone thinking a while that this person is gone forever, you don't really know what life is about.

But you do get used to losses over time and take them as natural part of life but that could be the hardest part.
Because it's the time when you possible stop caring so you won't get hurt. -Don't.

If I don't ever meet you in this life again, let me feel the lack.

Edit: PS. Forgot to say that there are some very open messages in the thread. Opening your heart does relieve the pain inside.
____________

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friendofgunnar
friendofgunnar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
able to speed up time
posted May 17, 2006 11:53 PM
Edited by friendofgunnar at 23:56, 17 May 2006.

wow TNT I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

I had a whole buttload of foobum to drop on HC but out of respect to the premier jokemeister here I'll step on it for 3 days.

I remember a girl I had a crush on when I was a child, her life got cut short at 16 by a drunk driver.

another friend I knew was a math genius, headed towards always greater things.  boom, another drunk driver.

one of my former bosses who I always had friction with but always respected at the same time.
AGAIN drunk driver....

I feel your anguish


well anyway, go get drunk TNT, you have a right this time.
you betcha



just don't drive, K?

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