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| Thread: A Case For More Beer - A Gathering of stories |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · NEXT» |
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Dragon_Slayer
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posted March 08, 2005 12:15 PM |
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A Case For More Beer - A Gathering of stories
Im in quite the creative mood so i have decided to put together some stuff... nothing great, just stuff... should be more "stuff" later.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
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Dingo
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posted March 08, 2005 03:24 PM |
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You gotta keep those Brain Cells on the edge.
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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Vadskye91
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posted March 08, 2005 03:49 PM |
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Yes, in moderation, some types of alchoholic beverages have been proven to be healthy. However, there's a thin line between the weak brain cells and the healthy ones. Or, even worse, reducing the healthy ones to near , slowing down the whole brain.
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Knowledge is power...
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Dragon_Slayer
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posted March 09, 2005 08:26 AM |
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Some rich couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife was not having a good time at the party, so she came home early. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed the door.
She looked at him with a stern smile. "Jeeves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully. She continued. " Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. She then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
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Dragon_Slayer
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posted March 09, 2005 11:50 AM |
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The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a really bad illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look, he responded, "Well," I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
I didnt make this next one im posting, but its cool so ill put it here anyway.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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TitaniumAlloy
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posted December 06, 2005 02:35 PM |
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This is old but oh well.
You know that nicotine is actually good for you too. It's just the actual smoking of all the other chemicals that hurts you.
Haha Dragon Slayer that last one made me laugh.
That reminds me of another one like that...
Two men get shipwrecked on a strange island. Dying of starvation, they are confronted by a tribe of savage natives who inhabit the island.
The chief has them bound and decides to punish them for intruding on their land.
He explains to the two men that they have two options for punishment: they may either recieve death, or booka.
Confused as to what booka is, the men think about it. The first man decides that he doesnt want do die, so he risks it and yells out to the chief "Booka!"
The chief laughs and yells out "BOOKAAA!!!"
And so the captors unbound the man and all in turn take part in anal intercourse with him, leaving him exhausted.
The second man is horrified by what he saw and quickly yells out "Death!!"
And the chief laughs and yells out... "DEATH BY BOOKAAAA!!!" 
its funnier said aloud
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John says to live above hell.
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Dragon_Slayer
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posted December 22, 2005 09:11 AM |
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Three Vampires walk into a bar. one orders a blood on the rocks. The other orders a blood and coke. The last one just gets a glass of hot water. The bar tender says, "Why do you want water?" The Vampire pulls out a tampon ou of his pocket and says, "Im having tea,"
lol
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TitaniumAlloy
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posted December 22, 2005 01:09 PM |
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That's disgusting Haha
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John says to live above hell.
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TNT_Addict
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posted December 22, 2005 05:30 PM |
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*Spits the beer out on his keyboard*. Damn man couldn't u write that stuff earlier!? I think that by this time now half of my brain cells are already gone! And i really need them for the future...
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Dragon_Slayer
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posted May 10, 2006 04:39 PM |
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Haha, this just made me laugh after reading it again. Anyone else got any funny short story sorta thingies
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
I also want to alert people to the one i posted before, about the guys lost on an island. Thats hilarious lol
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sick_46_boy
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posted May 17, 2006 04:18 PM |
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In theat way those Brain Cells in my head is so fast and regular. 
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Once I used to be what you are now! And you will become what I am!"
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Dragon_Slayer
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posted May 17, 2006 04:24 PM |
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Proper weight control cannot be attained by dieting alone; however, many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require much (or any) physical exercise.
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush . . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . .75
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 650
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Dragon_Slayer
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posted May 17, 2006 04:28 PM |
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
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TitaniumAlloy
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posted May 18, 2006 03:31 PM |
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Hehe... gonna hate fridays.
I got one.
A man is home early from work one day and his wife comes home wearing a new necklace, which the husband had never seen before.
He notices, and says "Hey, where'd you get that new necklace?"
"I won it in a raffle." She says.
"Well done! That's great." The man replies.
Another day, when he comes home early from work, his wife walks in talking on a brand new cell phone, and the husband notices.
Again, he asks "Where did you get that new phone?"
And, again, she replies
"I won it in a raffle."
So he says "Well that's good."
On another day, he comes home early again, and his wife drives in the driveway with a brand spankin new 4WD beemer.
"Whoaa, where'd you get the new BMW?" He asks her.
Again, she replies with
"I won it in a raffle."
So he says, "That's great love." The woman sits down on the couch and sighs, saying
"Ahh I've had a long day, can you run the bath honey?" And the man says
"Sure," and goes up stairs to run her a bath. 30 seconds later he comes back down and says
"The bath is ready, darling." The wife is surprised that it was so fast, but shrugs and goes up stairs to see that the bath is only filled up about 1 inch deep.
"Why is it only 1 inch full?" She asks, confused.
The husbands grins and says
"I didn't want to get your raffle ticket wet."
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John says to live above hell.
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Dragon_Slayer
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posted May 18, 2006 04:24 PM |
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hahaha i get it
heres another one.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
lol, noone is posting here, is it coz your all slack or you have no sense of humor
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russ
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blah, blah, blah
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posted May 18, 2006 04:51 PM |
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Warning: a geek joke! Proceed reading at your own risk!
Two programmers are working late... Suddenly one of them stops typing and asks the other one:
"by the way, have you ever f**ed?"
"well, once I was installing Windows for 2 nights in a row..."
"no! I mean: have you ever f**ed for real?"
"ah! You mean with Macs???"
(Mac = Macintosh, I hope you'll never have to use one)
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Binabik
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posted May 18, 2006 05:46 PM |
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A blonde and a brunette were both pregnant and talking one day.
The blonde turns to the brunette and asks
"How do you know if it will be a boy or a girl?"
The brunette answers
"Well, if the man was on top when you got pregnant, it'll be a little boy. If the woman was on top, it'll be a little girl."
The blonde has a perplexed look on her face like she's trying to think. Then suddenly she starts crying.
The brunette is startled and asks
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?"
The blonde blurts out between sobs
"I'm going to have a puppy...."
As a plane with a full load of passengers was just starting a flight, the pilot gets on the intercom with his usual speech.
"Welcome to United flight 207. We'll be flying at 35000 feet with a bit of a tailwind, so we should reach our destination a little ahead of schedule. Thank you for flying United and have a pleasant day."
He turns to the co-pilot
"So how's your day been Joe?"
The co-pilot replies
"Pretty good, but I sure could use a cup of coffee and a b*** job."
What he didn't realize was the captain forgot to turn off the intercom, so everyone in the plane could hear. A stewardess at the back of the plane hears and goes running up the aisle toward the cockpit.
As she's running past a passenger yells
"DON'T FORGET THE COFFEE..."
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Ecoris
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posted May 18, 2006 06:26 PM |
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Nice thread 
A biologist, a statistician, an engineer and a mathematician are sitting in a field near a small empty shed. A couple walks up to the shed and enters. After a few hours three people come out of the shed. "Reproduction", the biologist claims. "No", says the statistician, "the measurement must have been uncertain". The engineneer suggest that the shed has a backdoor but nobody listens.
After a while a man enters the shed. "Aha!" exclaims the mathematician, "now the shed is empty again".
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Dragon_Slayer
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posted May 19, 2006 03:45 AM |
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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TitaniumAlloy
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posted May 20, 2006 06:30 AM |
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hehe Ecoris took me a while on that one
I've got an Australian one not sure if this will work
A young adult is working in the grocery section of a supermarket in Sydney, when an old man confronts him and requests half a head of lettuce. The boy keeps trying to convince him to buy a whole head of lettuce, seeing as they don't sell them by the half.
The old man persists, and eventually the boy says:
"Ok, ok, I'll go back and ask my manager." So he walks to the staff section and finds the supermarket manager, and says to him
"Hey, some stupid old codger wants to buy half a head of lettuce!" Then he notices that the old man followed him back, so smoothly he adds "And this kind man offered to buy the other half!"
After the man had been dealt with, the manager says to the boy
"Son, I was very impressed with how you managed that situation. What's your name?"
"Ron." The boy says.
"Where are you from, Ron?" The manager asks
"I'm from New Zealand."
"Oh really?" Says the manager. "Why did you leave New Zealand?"
"Because they're all snows and rugby players over there." The boy smirks.
The manager is not impressed.
"My wife is from New Zealand." He says
"Oh," Says the boy, "What team did she play for?"
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John says to live above hell.
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