Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted October 04, 2005 05:09 AM |
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Edited By: Jebus on 24 Oct 2005
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Jebus' Journals
(I've decided to creat a thread for all my different rants... instead of bombarding you all with thread after thread of my own feelings... I've decided to post them all here... feel free to comment on them if you wish but it'll serve me more like an online diary than anything else  )
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I don’t remember…
There’s a picture of you and I, when we were kids (you were about 7 and I was roughly 3 years old) where we’re both smiley brightly for the camera and I’ve got my arm around your shoulder. People always commented on how cute we were and such and especially seeing it as I was so much shorter than you and I’m all stretched out trying to wrap the one arm around your towering shoulders. I look at the smiles on our faces and wonder what our relationship was at the time. I must have been young enough that I have to really strong memories of those days. I have a hard time remembering those days, not to say I don’t remember our childhood.
I remember at a young age, being bullied in the schoolyard. I remember the day that mom had bought me new pants and you shoved me in the muddy snow. I remember crying and feeling a sense of satisfaction and revenge when one of the older kids chassed you down and returned the favour. I remember how you’d never want me to touch your toys. I remember how you and our older cousin Jen pressured me into ditching our other cousin Debbie. At least it took me no time at all to run back to her apologizing for having left in the first place. I remember you guys laughing at me because I was too little to get up on the ledge like the others. I remember you wanting to play GIJOE with me but once we picked our guys you’d quit. I remember how you’d hit me anytime I’d beat you at a video game. I remember how you’d only invite me to play hockey with you and your friends when you were missing a guy. I remember you never wanted me to play rpg’s with you and the only reason I could was because your friends thought I was ok. I remember getting atomic wedgies from you and 2 other guys until I bled. I remember getting hit when you were mad at mom. I remember when you broke my hockey stick and instead of replacing it you bought me one for Christmas. I remember when you sold me your GIJOEs when you didn’t want them anymore. I remember when I got Final Fantasy and you and your buddy finished it while I was in bed. I remember the time that our cousin had to stop you from throwing me through our bay living room window. I remember not being able to hang out with older cousins’ because you didn’t want me around. I remember you burying my face in the carpet when you were mad.
I remember the feeling of satisfaction I had when I was 6 and I called you stupid for failing the 2nd grade. I remember when Dad explained to me that you were left behind because you too young. I remember the power I felt when as kids would watch a scary movie and you’d come ask me to sleep in my room out of fear. I remember how good I felt when your friends told me I was cooler than you. I remember when you were sticking your tongue in the open door and I unknowingly jammed it when I kicked it shut. I remember when I got big enough to fight back. I remember that one time where you turned your back on me and I jumped you from behind burying your head in the carpet. I remember when you’d watch me play “duck hunt” and you’d say that if ever we were at war, you’d want to be on “my side”. I remember hating you.
Today, I look back on that original photo with the look of awe, the look of wonder. I wonder what could have taken place in a short period of time to alter our relationship all together? What could have happened to those 2 happy kids that they would grow up with nothing but memories of resentment towards each other? How are we, at 27 and 30, supposed to rekindle the relationship that 2 brothers should have? I remember when I’d say I couldn’t stand you and people would say: “well that’ll change, you’ll see.” And I’d answer: “I don’t want it to change… It’ll never change.”
So now I look back on that photo and I can’t help but asking: “who were these kids?”
“What happened to them?” But I think more importantly I ask: “did mom and dad really know what their decision would do to us? Did they evaluate how they’re mistakes would affect us? Did they stop and question how their divorce would tear us apart?” I can only say that I really doubt it.
Now at our age, I feel that I should play a more active role in the lives of my niece and nephew but don’t necessarily feel any attachment due to our lack of socializing. Should they miss out on having an uncle because you and I never really got along? It’s not fair to them. And will it be fair to my kids to grow up without an uncle or their own? Will we rob them of the chance up knowing their cousins like we knew ours?
Today, when I look back on those to young boys I say to myself “not my kids”. But how can I say that? Every decision I make as a husband, a father, a brother, a son, an uncle or a friend will have a direct influence on my family, on my kids. I can only pray that I’ve learnt enough through my own experiences to mend past relationships and grow in my new ones.
When I’m a senior, a grandfather, I’d like to look back on that one photo, and others like it with nothing more than a grin. I’ll lie back, close my eyes and let the wave of happy memories wash over me. I’ll remember.
J (Oct 24 2005)
Starring back at me…
For years, I’ve had no choice but to look upon you, day in and day out, nothing I can do to stop it. You just stare back, belittling me.
When I leave the comforts of my home, because of you, I feel the watchful eyes of those whom I pass. Because of you, I know only too well that they are smirking back at me, hiding the burst of laughter waiting to come through. Because of you, I am judged and I am chastised. I spend my day ducking from one look and another, hoping that I can make it through the day before someone points or stares. Even friends can’t look at me with a straight face. You’re all they see.
Back home, I’m safe from reprisal. I can comfortably sit back and forget my day but never forgetting about you. I know you’re there, I can feel it. I think to myself that I should cast upon you the same pain and suffering that you’ve cast upon me. The ongoing agony and disappointment that I’ve lived with since I first saw you in the mirror that day long ago. But I know full well that any such action upon you would only back fire and you would unleash your wrath making my pain swell, my internal scars grow. I wish there was a way to forget you but all I can do is wait.
If only I could make you understand the feelings you bring out in me. How you make me feel ashamed. My confidence lacks because of you. Questions you make me pose when I look at myself: Why do you do it? What must others think? When will it stop? Finally I tell myself that at age 27 I shouldn’t concern myself with you, I shouldn’t be so vain. Do we really live in a world where aesthetics are so important? I should live and let live. Ignore you and with time and patience, you will disappear from my life. One day, maybe. But these thought are but excuses to allow me to cope with you. I have a much better solution. I will have my revenge. My suffering will become your suffering.
I run back to the mirror to take a long look at you. I look in the mirror and there you are, just starring back at me, mocking me. You don’t see it coming do you? You don’t know what I’m hiding.
Earlier I weighed my options: 24hrs? 48 hours? 5 days? I’ve made my decision; I have selected my weapon of choice. And it’s instant gratification.
I think to myself: “that’s right, burn… I hope you burn.”
With a small grin of satisfaction I think to myself: “until next time… Stupid zit.” 
J 10/13/05
Losing focus
When I was young, the world’s beauty was all around me. I could see the earth for all it’s mysteries and wonder. I remember how blue the sky was and how clear the lake waster seemed. The sun was bright but never harmful and you weren’t afraid to catch snowflakes on your tongue. As I grew older, things started to look blurry. Shapes and colours started to lose their sharpness. I grew more and more wary and insecure. It seemed that the more I learnt about the world around me, and saw the world for what it was, the more the beautiful pictures that I remembered as a child grew out of focus. Like an old TV, the tint was wrong; I could not explain the changes I perceived. The more I struggled to see clearly like I once did, the more I found the picture faded. There was nothing I could do to regain the innocent outlook of the world I once held growing up.
Now that I’m an adult, I still can’t explain the changes that occurred in me over the last 20 years. I see the world behind what feels like a dirty glass windowpane. The closer you peer the more spots, or scratches you can distinguish. The picture is never truly perfect. I can try to rub and clean it to see the glamour that once was, to try to regain the clear, crisp photo that I spent so much of my youth just starring at. What scares me the most is how I will answer my son or daughter when they ask me why the world has changed for me, why I don’t feel the same towards my surroundings as they do? Why I can’t see the world for its colours, its contrasts, and its focus. How will I give hope to my child who wants to be reassured that the world is a safe place? How will I look past the chips and cracks? How will I see through the dirt and smudges? How will I look upon earth’s beauty once again with clarity and focus? Simple… I’ll just get new glasses.
J
By the same author...
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http://heroescommunity.com/viewthread.php3?FID=10&TID=16021
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http://heroescommunity.com/viewthread.php3?FID=10&TID=15945
"Talk about your father"
http://heroescommunity.com/viewthread.php3?FID=10&TID=14824&pagenumber=2
"I'll see you in the afterlife..."
http://heroescommunity.com/viewthread.php3?FID=10&TID=15253
"Time to vent"
http://heroescommunity.com/viewthread.php3?FID=10&TID=15244
"STAR WARS and you"
http://heroescommunity.com/viewthread.php3?TID=14971
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"You went over my helmet??"
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