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Heroes Community > Age of Heroes Coliseum > Thread: HFC: The offer
Thread: HFC: The offer
baklava
baklava


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
posted March 26, 2006 05:47 PM
Edited by baklava on 30 Mar 2006

HFC: The offer

Vaniel was lying on his bed, trying to relax. Anger was, however, still coursing through his veins. The sight of his father’s corpse still crawled in his head. Burnt and unrecognizable, the once powerful High King of all the elves lied lifeless in the ashes of the Tree of life, whilst the remaining infernal flames cruelly consumed the surrounding forests and buildings. A small tear left Vaniel’s eye and slowly slithered down his face. Since that horrible day, he ordered the exile and execution of all the followers of  Tuidhana. A long time ago, he considered them his brethren. Now, he has experienced the true meaning of betrayal, incarnated in the dark elves, as Tuidhana’s people are known. But his father was avenged. That is all that mattered to him.
     The massive door standing in the entrance to his room suddenly opened, letting the moonbeams cover the whole chamber with ghostly bluish light. A young elven messenger stepped through them.
    “Have I not told you that I do not wish to be disturbed?” said Vaniel, clearly irritated by the interruption of his thinking.
    “I apologize, my lord, but I bear important news”, the elf replied rapidly.
    “Speak then, do not waste our precious time.”
    “It would seem that the dark elves are not to blame for the Day of the Tears of Fire. We have managed to caught a demonic spy which set the Tree of life ablaze.”
     These words have struck Vaniel like a lightning bolt. He suddenly stood up and grabbed the messenger for his neck, shouting:
    “That cannot be true! Our sages clearly said that the dark elves set the fire! You are lying!” Realizing he’s choking the elf, he calmed down and lowered his arm. Finally, he said:
    “What proof do you have?”
    “Many, my lord”, said the messenger, recovering from the grip of Vaniel’s hand. “Including the confession of the demon himself. He seems happy that we exiled our own brethren, and claims that his death will not change anything,” he continued.
    This was too much for Vaniel’s mind. He fell on his knees, crying. Choking in painful tears, he said:
    "Send emissaries to the dark elven encampments. Order them to say that they are free to come back anytime they wish. I am offering complete amnesty of all the followers of Tuidhana."
   
*     *     *

    The emissary was led through the forest with a ribbon across his eyes. Tuidhana’s people insisted on that, because they did not want anyone to know their current position. They were very wary since the recent attacks on their people. After many hours of walking, as it seemed to the elven emissary, they finally reached the dark elven encampment. Tired and afraid, he barely heard the female voices around him.
    “Have you been followed?” one of them asked.
    “No. We defeated his meager escort”, another one answered. The dark elven ambush party brutally slaughtered the five soldiers who were protecting the emissary.
    “I am quite pleased to hear that. You can now let him see us.”
    A member of the ambushers took down the black ribbon which covered the elf’s eyes. Although aware of the risky situation he found himself in, he still looked calm. Quite experienced in the fine arts of diplomacy, this middle-aged elf knew how to look imposing even in the most disturbing conditions. He was afraid, though. With a good reason. He saw the dark elven commander standing before him. She was beautiful and quite young for the elven standards. However, horrible hatred was burning in her eyes, threatening to take control of her. She had a frightening smile on her face.
    “Greetings, elf. I assume you wish to discuss something with us”, she said.
    The emissary was too scared to mention what happened to his escort, so he just followed the orders given to him by his elders, back in the elven kingdom.
    “I… I have been told to inform you that the new High King wants to apologise for the exile of the… followers of Tuidhana and that he is offering complete amnesty for your kin”, he said.
   The grin disappeared from the dark elf’s face.
    “Why is that weakling offering amnesty?” she asked, obviously curious.
    “The dragon knights of the Holy Griffin empire have found proof of your people’s innocence about the Day of the Tears of Fire”, the emissary spoke.
    “Vaniel trusts humans rather than his own kindred?” The dark elf was becoming furious. She grabbed the emissary by his long, golden hair. “Did he look at the evidence of our queen Tuidhana’s innocence before he put her to torture and execution? Did he listen to those who claimed that we are not to blame for everything that happened then?” she continued, sinking into blind rage. “Tell me, elf, who had your new… High King listened to when he ordered the exile and death of our whole people?!”
     “I am but an ordinary emissary, I am just carrying orders”, the elf told, frightened as never before. “And nevertheless, it was the demons who sowed the seeds of war between our peoples. We must not cause hostilities now, when our unity is most needed…”
     “You do not understand, messenger. The seeds of war were not sowed by demons, but by your master’s vanity, impatience and hatred. There is little we can do about that now. We shall follow our destiny, and I assure you, it does not lie in the hands of our exterminator!” the dark elf leader said.
     “I shall then return to take that message to my king”, the emissary said, happy that he will leave the dark elf camp unharmed.
     “Indeed you shall, elf.” She turned to one of her soldiers and said: “Escort the emissary to the border of the elven kingdom. When you get there, cut off his tongue so that he cannot speak about us. Also carve the word ‘refusal’ in his back with your knives, that will show the elves what our answer is.”
     “But what if he chokes to death in his own blood?” asked an ambush party member.
     “I believe the elves will understand our point anyway. Now go, and make sure you are not caught by their border guards.”
     She waited patiently for her soldiers to take the emissary out of the camp, and then went to her chambers. Looking at the small statue of Tuidhana she fell on her knees and quietly said:
      “My blades thirst for the blood of your executors, my queen. You shall be avenged.”

Feel free to post suggestions, people

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Echo_
Echo_

Tavern Dweller
posted March 27, 2006 02:35 AM

well ...

The description is good and the dialogue is believable. Its a solid story but it doesn't tell anything we don't already know. Translation: Its not very creative.

The timeline tells us what happens your just telling us how it happens whcih IMO is not very necessary. I don't really have any constructive advice for you except for spelling. Apologize, unrecognizable and Realizing are spelled wrong (the words in my post are the corrections).

I hope you don't take this post the wrong way jsut trying to help out a fellow writer. Good luck.
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baklava
baklava


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
posted March 27, 2006 11:42 AM

Thanks for the advice. I'll correct the spelling soon. The story is about an historic event so that it fits perfectly into the HoMMV world, although originality is a little low. I just thought it would be good to also have some historic events in that e-book they're preparing, that's all. Any other suggestions?

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Echo_
Echo_

Tavern Dweller
posted March 28, 2006 02:51 AM

Quote:
Any other suggestions?


Just one. When I first read your story it was a bit confusing when I went from teh Throne room to the emissary. The transition isn't as smooth as it could be.

Maybe you could mention who Tuidhana is before you say the name or you could describe the emissary better when first introduced in the sentence

Quote:
A member of the ambushers took down the black ribbon which covered the elf’s eyes ...

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baklava
baklava


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
posted March 29, 2006 09:14 PM

OK, I fixed those grammar mistakes and added some description about the emissary. Anything else?

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