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kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted October 05, 2012 08:22 AM |
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Why do vegan women don't moan during sex?
Because they just can't admit that a piece of meat is giving them so much pleasure.
____________
"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted October 26, 2012 06:37 PM |
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-Where's this bus going to?
-It's written on that board.
-Oh, Ok.
...
-Where's this bus going to?
-Didn't you check the board?
-I did, but it says destinations and I want to know where it's going.
-...
____________
Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted November 11, 2012 01:51 PM |
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At the doctor's:
-What seems to be the problem?
-I have a cold, a stomach ache and I've twisted my ankle.
-OMG, how can you even be alive?!
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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Tsar-Ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
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posted December 16, 2012 08:43 PM |
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I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted December 16, 2012 08:55 PM |
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If I want your opinion, I'll tell it to you.
(allegedly Al Capone)
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted December 16, 2012 09:24 PM |
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-Who is the most yellow Chinese?
-Lee Mon
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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Tsar-Ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
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posted December 16, 2012 09:31 PM |
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted December 17, 2012 04:15 PM |
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-What does a blonde gain when she dyes her hair brown?
-Artificial intelligence XD
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted December 23, 2012 08:07 AM |
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Two men are talking in the afterlife:
- So, how did you die?
- I died out of joy.
- Really? How did you do that?
- Well, when I got back home, I saw my wife naked in our bed so I figured she slept with someone. However, after searching the house throughly, I didn't find anyone and I died out of joy that my wife didn't cheat on me.
- Oh, great... But I bet that both of us would be alive if you checked your freezer.
- ... Wut?!
____________
Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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master_learn
Legendary Hero
walking to the library
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posted December 24, 2012 01:48 PM |
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How can a can you double your money?
By folding it in half.
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"I heard the latest HD version disables playing Heroes. Please reconsider."-Salamandre
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted December 26, 2012 08:52 AM |
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-How to put an elephant into a fridge in 3 steps?
-1st step: open the fridge
2nd step: put the elephant into the fridge
3rd step: close the fridge
____________
Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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Zenofex
Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
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posted December 26, 2012 08:54 PM |
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Oh boy, I just can't start laughing!
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Vindicator
Supreme Hero
Right Back Extraordinaire
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posted December 26, 2012 09:00 PM |
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Quote:
-How to put an elephant into a fridge in 3 steps?
-1st step: open the fridge
2nd step: put the elephant into the fridge
3rd step: close the fridge
Bravo. I have a good joke much like that one.
How to tell a good joke in two easy steps?
1. Find a good joke
2. Tell it
...
____________
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted December 26, 2012 09:28 PM |
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At least I post jokes you grumpy human being!
--------------------------
-Why can't a ghost attract any ladies?
-Because he has a hollow personality.
------
-Mum, mum! I got a D!
-Oh, really? It seems that you're improving!
____________
Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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Salamandre
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Wog refugee
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posted December 26, 2012 09:37 PM |
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Wandering around a fairground, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. ''I see you're the father of two,'' says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball.
''Ha! That's what you think,'' says the man scornfully. ''I'm the father of three.''
''Ha!'' says the fortune-teller. ''That's what you think.''
Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?
Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod and laptop have.
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.
''Will the winter be bad?'' he asks.
''Looks like it,'' is the answer.
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. ''Are you positive the winter will be very cold?''
''Absolutely.''
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: ''Are you sure?''
''I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record.''
''How do you know?''
''Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!''
____________
Era II mods and utilities
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted December 26, 2012 09:46 PM |
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Ok, this is a harsh one:
-What's yellow, red, black and in pieces?
-A Chinese guy coming out of a wood chipper.
-----------
-I love you!
-I know. I love myself too.
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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Hobbit
Supreme Hero
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posted December 26, 2012 09:51 PM |
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Edited by Hobbit at 21:54, 26 Dec 2012.
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Not sure if it was there...
***
A man goes to a shop in a big city, buys 6 pounds of cheese and quits. One hour later he does the same again. This happens four times in a row, so the seller says: "I'll give you this cheese for free if you tell me why are you buying it every hour."
The man takes cheese and says "Follow me". After thirty minutes they arrive to the small village next to the city. They go to the big, old cottage. Inside, they go downstairs, to the basement. The basement is very, veeeery dark, so that one couldn't tell what's inside it, except one lightened spot. The man goes to this certain spot and they stop.
The seller asks: "So what now?" The man takes the cheese, quietly puts it on the floor and stands still. It remains for over five minutes. The seller wants to quit, but suddenly he hears a big roar. Something very big and very dark jumps from the shadow, takes the cheese and goes away.
After a while, the seller asks: "What the hell was that?!"
And the man says: "I dunno. But it eats cheese."
____________
Horn of the
Abyss on AcidCave
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Zenofex
Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
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posted December 26, 2012 10:43 PM |
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Edited by Zenofex at 08:46, 27 Dec 2012.
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OK, get some:
Dark forest. Two woodcutters. One of them shouts:
- Throw me the axe.
- Here, catch... Did you catch it? Why are you not answering?
-------------------
After extensive studies, an international group of scientists discovered that people with mental and/or sexual problems read this anecdote with a hand on the mouse. No, don't remove it now, it's too late.
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A surgeon in the middle of a difficult operation. A cat walks around the bed of the patient and meows.
- Meow! - meows the cat.
- Away with you! - shouts the surgeon.
- Meow! - continues the cat.
- I said get away! - shouts louder the surgeon.
- Meeeow! - insists the cat.
The surgeon growls and cuts something.
- Here, choke on it!
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An optimist visits a graveyard and wonders "Oh, God, so many pluses!"
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A conversation in an mountaineering office. The boss asks the leader of a newly assembled group.
- Why did you put only one woman in the group? And she's ugly like hell!
- Because if I begin to like her, I'll know for sure that it's time to go back.
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A man plays poker with friends in his house and among other things gets on his wife's nerves. Finally she manages to catch him away from the group during a break and asks him:
- When do you intend to stop playing poker with these idiots in our house?
- I'm sorry honey, it's no longer our house...
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A fine day in the middle of a random medieval square. The executioner prepares his axe and notices that the convict looks very nervous.
- What are you frowning? - the executioner asks. - Yours is nothing. After I'm done with you I have THIS MANY woods to chop.
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Another fine day in the middle of a random medieval square. A convict walking towards the gallows. The executioner tries to ease his burden:
- Don't worry - you will die today but know that you will be buried on the same day as His Majesty, the King!
- But His Majesty is alive and well? - wonders the convict.
- Don't worry, we can wait. - answers the executioner.
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An English family gathers to read the last will of a recently deceased lord. The lawyer starts reading "I, Lord etc., etc. etc., my mind being clear and my conscious unburdened, declare that I spent all my fortune shortly before I died."
-------------------
"The way to the heart goes through the stomach" thought the bullet.
Here, the thread is now refreshed.
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted December 27, 2012 01:19 AM |
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Quote:
"The way to the heart goes through the stomach" thought the bullet.
Here, the thread is now refreshed.
Oh, man, this isn't a joke, but it reminds me:
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through the stomach, but if you want to get to his brain, I'd recommend the eye socket."
- "Fencer trilogy" by K.J. Parker
____________
If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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Zenofex
Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
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posted December 27, 2012 08:24 AM |
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Edited by Zenofex at 08:26, 27 Dec 2012.
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By the way, the old Eastern Bloc jokes never get old. But I guess you have to be native to fully appreciate them. Here are some:
Somewhere in the Egyptian desert. Archeologists discover a royal tomb but all attempts to determine who's the pharaoh and from which period it is fail. After months of futile attempts, they call the international community for aid. Many countries send their teams but the efforts are in vain. Finally a group of KGB agents arrive from the USSR, enter the tomb and close the doors. After two hours they are out and provide full details on who's the pharaoh, when he had lived, how long he had reigned and so on.
- But... how did you find out all this? - ask the scientists amazed.
- The pharaoh admitted everything. - answer the agents.
------------------
During the early 70s the relationships between the two sides of the Iron Curtain begin to thaw. In order to strenghten the process, USSR, USA and the West Germany organize a joint training of their secret services. The task is to find a particular white rabbit in a big forest. The Americans and the Germans try first, employing all the latest technologies, including spy sattelites and whatnot - still, the rabbit is nowhere to be found. After them, the Soviets enter the forest. A few hours later they return to the gathering point, one of them pulling a huge brown bear by the ear, another kicking it hard in the butt. The bear screams in pain.
- I'm a rabbit! I'm a white rabbit!
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Stalin plays bridge with comrades from Politburo.
Stalin: "Three clubs."
Comrade one: "Four diamonds."
Comrade two: Four hearts."
Comrade three: "Five spades."
Stalin: "Three clubs."
Comrade one: "Pass."
Comrade two: "Pass."
Comrade three: "Pass."
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TASS (The Soviet telegraph agency) comes with the following announcement: "Today, aproximatly at noon, four American submarines disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle. No losses on our side."
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In a random Eastern Bloc university, two students take an economy exam. Another group of anxious students wait before the door. Finally, one of the examined exits the room with a wide smile on his face.
- So, what happened? - asks one of the group.
- I failed. - answers the student and smiles even wider.
- So why are you so happy.
- Mine's nothing. Misha got arrested.
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This thread is pages long: 
