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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Tell a joke
Thread: Tell a joke This thread is 26 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 20 ... 22 23 24 25 26 · «PREV / NEXT»
B-E-T-A
B-E-T-A


Promising
Legendary Hero
Watching You
posted June 12, 2008 10:38 PM

Okay Sweedish jackass(not offensive)! This is revenge for my finnish and norwegian ancestors!

1) Why does the sweedish people stand when they are going to bed?

Because they shall fall asleep.

2) Why does sweedish people loyars have ladders with them in court?

Because they shall put their case up for highest athority.

3) Why does sweedish people wear pyamjas when they are driving?

Because they shall lie (down/fall asleep, better in norwegian) in the swings.

4) How do you reconsice a sweedsih pirate?

He got two eyepatches and two wooden feets.

5) A norwegian guy met a sweedish guy and said "I know a man with a wooden leg called smith" then the sweedis guy replies "Right, so what's the other leg named?"

6) How do you sink a sweedish submarine?

You can't cause the sweedish are to dumb to use something as advanced as a submarine.

7) It was the sweedish, the danish and the norwegian who was going to get their neighbour troll to shut up cause he always cried and screamed.

First the sweedish guy went in the troll cave and after a while he felt drops on him, he pieed his pants and ran out screaming.

Second was the danish guy, but when he came in and felt the drops he ran out screaming.

Then the norwegian went in, but when he felt the drops he said, here you have bandages, put it on your wound and shut the **** up!

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popular_feeds
popular_feeds


Adventuring Hero
posted June 13, 2008 10:05 AM

A couple in a car were driving in a countryside freeway, both of them not talking to each other for hours due to a previous squabble.

Later on, a pack of pigs, mules, cows, chickens, and other farm animals crossed the road, so they had to stop the car.

The husband, of a sarcastic bent, looked straight ahead and said to his wife, "Relatives of yours???"

"Yes," replied the wife.  "In-laws."
____________

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watcher83
watcher83


Supreme Hero
Child of Malassa
posted June 13, 2008 11:30 AM
Edited by watcher83 at 11:32, 13 Jun 2008.

On 15th december 2007 at the post office of a small town in Romania arrives a letter adressed to Santa Clause
The clerks who were all women decide to open the letter since there was no way they could send it to Santa. The letter sounded like this:
" Dear Santa,
My name is Ionut, I'm in the second grade and I come from a very poor family. I would really want a computer, it doesn't have to be a new one, it would help a lot and make me very happy. Also, I would like a chocolate because I haven't eaten one in years."

Moved by the boy's letter, the women at the post office decided to make a nice gesture for the boy, and send him for Christmas from Santa an old computer from the post office which had no further use there.
A couple of weeks after Christmas a new letter from Ionut arrives at the post office adressed to Santa. The women very happy about the letter open it and start reading
" Dear Santa, I can't thank you enough for the computer, it changed my life (and so on.....); but I didn't find the chocolate I requested, those f...king snowes from the post office must have eaten it."
____________

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Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 13, 2008 11:44 AM

Oh my...

Warning! The next one is a bit disgusting...

A young couple kissing in the park:

-Sorry my dear. I swallowed your gum.
-Er... I'm not cheving gum, I have flu.
____________
Incidence? I think it's cummulative!

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Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 13, 2008 02:26 PM
Edited by Galev at 14:32, 13 Jun 2008.

Finally I post this. I've been working for a longer time on this -translating. I hope you enjoy.

Economy

Traditional:
You have 2 cows.
You sell one of them. From the money you buy a bull. Your livestock grows, you live from it.

Indian:
You have 2 cows.
You respect them as sacred, you die of starvation.

Americain:
You have 2 cows. You sell one of them and force the other to give four times more milk. You are shocked when it suddenly dies. You blame a country which have many cows, kept with normal circumstances. You announce that this country is a threat to humanity. For the good of mankind you attack the country and take their cows.


French:
You have 2 cows.
You start a strike, because you want to have 3 cows.

German:
You have 2 cows.
You develop them, so they live for 100 years, eat once per a month and milk themselves.

English:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

Italian:
You have 2 cows. But you don't exactly know where they might be.
So you take a siesta.

Swiss:
You have 5000 cows, but none of them are actually yours.
You pay others to keep them.

Japan:
You have 2 cows.
You change them a bit, they become 10 times smaller and give 20 times as much milk as normal-sized cows. After this you create peache little cartoon-figures about them -named Cowkimon- and start to sell them all around the world.

Russian:
You have 2 cows.
You count them and there are five of them.
You count again, now there are 72 of them.
You count them once more and now there are 17 cows.
You give up and open yet an other bottle of vodka.

Nigerian:
You have 2 cows.
You eat one of them, then you report someone stole it.
The police start the investigation and arrest everyone in a 100 km radius. They torture them till one of them finally confess he has stolen the cow. As sentence the police confiscate one cow from each arrested person. So you have your cow back and the police has a new cow-farm.

Hungarian:
The state has 2 cows.
The leader in charge takes the milk home then prove that the cows must be privatized since this branch cause deficit. They decide to sell the cows for a symbolic price and announce it in the local paper which is published in only one copy and the local leader is the only one who recieves it. The leader alone applies for the cow-tender and unbelievably: he wins. He immediately announces on a press conferance what a big sacrifice is to take care of these two, low-operating cows. After this he starts a political career and  he gathers a whole cattle of mavericks.

Note: pitily in English you don't use the word bovine as an insult -you use @ss instead, but it is good with maverick as well, I suppose.
And sorry for double posting, but I didn't want this as a second bellow the flu-one.
____________
Incidence? I think it's cummulative!

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TheDeath
TheDeath


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
posted June 13, 2008 02:43 PM
Edited by TheDeath at 14:46, 13 Jun 2008.

Question:
If outside the temperature is 0 degrees, and tomorrow it's gonna be twice as colder, how many degrees will tomorrow be?

-------

Blonde women jokes:

Two women, a brunette and a blonde, decide to jump out of a building to see which one hits the ground faster. Which one will get down faster? The brunette, because the blonde forgot the way...

--------

A blonde calls her boyfriend: "Please, come and help me! I've got a stupid puzzle to assemble and I don't know where to begin!"
Guy replies: "And what is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
Blonde: "From the box, a tiger."

Guy decides to take a quick trip home. The blonde shows him where the pieces are, and the box. The guy says: "First of all, there's no way you can assemble this 'puzzle' to look like the tiger on the box. Secondly, I want you to relax and... *sigh* let's put the damn cornflakes back into the box!"

--------

A blonde orders a pizza.

"In how many pieces I should slice it? 6 or 12?"
Blonde replies: "In 6 because I can't eat as much as 12!"

--------

Where does a blonde sit when it's cold inside? At the corner where is '90 degrees'

--------

A blonde is crying loud in a park. A random guy asks her: "What's wrong?"
Blonde replies: "Dire news! My mother just died.. and that's not all, I called my sister and she said her mother died as well..."

--------

Why didn't the blonde know how to add 10 with 7 on a calculator?
Because she couldn't find the '10' key...

--------

A blonde buys a Porche. On the way, the cars stops [because it ran out of gas].
The blonde gets out to look at the engine in front [Porche have the engine on the rear]. Then she realizes the engine disappeared.

Another blonde comes with a Lamborghini [with the engine in the rear as well]. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know, I think I lost the engine on the road."
"Don't despair, I have a reserved engine in the boot."

--------

A blonde drives a Ferrari on a highway (highway named H19), with 19km/h. A policeman stops her and asks her why she drives only with 19km/h on this highway?
The blonde replies: "That's what it says on the signposts, H19"
Policeman: "Eh, that's the name of the highway, not the speed limit"
Blonde: "Ok, got it!"
Policeman: "And the ms. on the right, is she sick or something?"
Blonde: "I don't know. That's how she's been since we left the H320 highway..."

--------

A brunette and a blonde are put up on the lie-detector (or however it's called). It beeps when the respective person is lying. The two women are asked to claim "I thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world!"

The brunette comes and claims "I thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world!" *beep*

The blonde's turn: "I thought " *beep*

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DagothGares
DagothGares


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
posted June 13, 2008 02:48 PM

A blonde walks into the barber shop with a walkman. The barber lets her seat and asks to remove the walkman. "No, sir, I need it. it's a matter of life and death." she exclaimed.

Very well, the barber thought and he starts to cut her hair *snip snip* *snip*
Suddenly, he cuts the wire of the walkman. She falls down immediately and dies...

The barber picks up the headset and listens to it. It said: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."
____________
If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.

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skullman
skullman


Famous Hero
banned
posted June 13, 2008 03:58 PM
Edited by skullman at 15:59, 13 Jun 2008.


1. why do open blondes open the milk in the store
- cause it says open here on the milk carton

2. why do blondes take a ladder to the store
- cause the price is so high
____________

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Galev
Galev


Famous Hero
Galiv :D
posted June 13, 2008 05:22 PM

How do you call it when a blonde woman has her hair dyed to brown?
-Artifical intelligence.

To give women a chance:
What's the difference betveen a man and the letter 'Q'?
-Nothing: both are a big zero with a cock.

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bixie
bixie


Promising
Legendary Hero
my common sense is tingling!
posted June 13, 2008 07:12 PM

How do you get a baby out of a blender


WITH A STRAW!!!!!!!!!
____________
Love, Laugh, Learn, Live.

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Nikita
Nikita


Famous Hero
Meepo is underrated
posted June 13, 2008 07:33 PM
Edited by Nikita at 19:44, 13 Jun 2008.

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.  

------------------

Q:How do blonds kill a fish?
A:They drown it.

Q: Did you hear about blond skydiver?
A:She missed the Earth

Q:Why did blond kept ice cubes in the freezer?
A:To keep refrigerator cold

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a room with a shape of a circle and tell her to go sit in the corner.

Q:Why do blonds hate M&M's?
A:she says it is hard to peel them.



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Oscarius
Oscarius


Famous Hero
*sleepy*
posted June 13, 2008 08:11 PM
Edited by Oscarius at 20:14, 13 Jun 2008.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So the brunnetes can understand them


____________
Need moar avatars!

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JoonasTo
JoonasTo


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
posted June 13, 2008 08:13 PM

Best one so far Oscarious.
____________

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DagothGares
DagothGares


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
posted June 13, 2008 08:15 PM
Edited by DagothGares at 20:21, 13 Jun 2008.

@ nikita: Maybe you better put: "how to kill a blond" with the fourth one 'cus anyone can get confused, if you ask it in that situation
____________
If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.

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JoonasTo
JoonasTo


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
posted June 13, 2008 08:19 PM

OMG dagoth is a closet-blond.

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TheDeath
TheDeath


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
posted June 13, 2008 08:19 PM

Lol at this thread

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Oscarius
Oscarius


Famous Hero
*sleepy*
posted June 13, 2008 08:21 PM
Edited by Oscarius at 20:21, 13 Jun 2008.

Thanks alot TheDeath its sort of the point

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Nikita
Nikita


Famous Hero
Meepo is underrated
posted June 13, 2008 08:27 PM

thanks for advice
here are some more:
Q:Why did the blond stare at the orange juice?
A:because it said "Concentrate"

Q:Why did the blond climb over the glass door?
A:to see what was on the other side.



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Mamgaeater
Mamgaeater


Legendary Hero
Shroud, Flying, Trample, Haste
posted June 13, 2008 09:36 PM

Quote:
Finally I post this. I've been working for a longer time on this -translating. I hope you enjoy.

Economy

Traditional:
You have 2 cows.
You sell one of them. From the money you buy a bull. Your livestock grows, you live from it.

Indian:
You have 2 cows.
You respect them as sacred, you die of starvation.

Americain:
You have 2 cows. You sell one of them and force the other to give four times more milk. You are shocked when it suddenly dies. You blame a country which have many cows, kept with normal circumstances. You announce that this country is a threat to humanity. For the good of mankind you attack the country and take their cows.


French:
You have 2 cows.
You start a strike, because you want to have 3 cows.

German:
You have 2 cows.
You develop them, so they live for 100 years, eat once per a month and milk themselves.

English:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

Italian:
You have 2 cows. But you don't exactly know where they might be.
So you take a siesta.

Swiss:
You have 5000 cows, but none of them are actually yours.
You pay others to keep them.

Japan:
You have 2 cows.
You change them a bit, they become 10 times smaller and give 20 times as much milk as normal-sized cows. After this you create peache little cartoon-figures about them -named Cowkimon- and start to sell them all around the world.

Russian:
You have 2 cows.
You count them and there are five of them.
You count again, now there are 72 of them.
You count them once more and now there are 17 cows.
You give up and open yet an other bottle of vodka.

Nigerian:
You have 2 cows.
You eat one of them, then you report someone stole it.
The police start the investigation and arrest everyone in a 100 km radius. They torture them till one of them finally confess he has stolen the cow. As sentence the police confiscate one cow from each arrested person. So you have your cow back and the police has a new cow-farm.

Hungarian:
The state has 2 cows.
The leader in charge takes the milk home then prove that the cows must be privatized since this branch cause deficit. They decide to sell the cows for a symbolic price and announce it in the local paper which is published in only one copy and the local leader is the only one who recieves it. The leader alone applies for the cow-tender and unbelievably: he wins. He immediately announces on a press conferance what a big sacrifice is to take care of these two, low-operating cows. After this he starts a political career and  he gathers a whole cattle of mavericks.

Note: pitily in English you don't use the word bovine as an insult -you use @ss instead, but it is good with maverick as well, I suppose.
And sorry for double posting, but I didn't want this as a second bellow the flu-one.

sounds alot like the isms cow joke

Socialism -- If you have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbor.

Communism -- If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk.

Fascism -- If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.

Nazism -- If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.

New Dealism -- (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.

Capitalism -- (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.

Anarchism -- If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.

Utopianism -- If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milk-shake dispensers.

Pure Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism -- You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Pure Communism -- You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism -- You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Cambodian Communism -- You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship -- You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy -- You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy -- You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy -- You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Surrealism -- You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Programmers-Trying-to-Meet-Year-2000-Deadline -- You have two cows. You keep them both, force them to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when they drop dead.


____________
Protection From Everything.
dota

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Oscarius
Oscarius


Famous Hero
*sleepy*
posted June 13, 2008 09:42 PM
Edited by Oscarius at 21:43, 13 Jun 2008.

Mamga, is Cambodian Communism  and Nazism the same thing?
____________
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