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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: A session to remember
Thread: A session to remember This thread is 2 pages long: 1 2 · NEXT»
Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted May 31, 2009 11:58 AM
Edited by Doomforge at 12:05, 31 May 2009.

A session to remember

You may not find this one funny after all guys, but it was among my first RPG sessions, and we literally cried out of laughter during it. And since I just screwed up an exam, I wanna think of something funny rather than the usual "KILL ME I BEG YOU"

Participants:

Game Master (GM)
Jealous Fighter (JF)
Nerdy Wizard (NW)
Relaxed Ranger (RR)
Lucky Ogre (LO - me )

Setting: Most likely D&D, although I'm not sure, the game master was rather new to his profession. It happened at school, we had a "free but obligatory" day at school and we had to attend to various circles. As if we couldn't just stay home ~~ oh well, the RPG one seemed the most fun. I was pretty newby at PnP RPG back then.

GM: So guys, umm... do you have your cards?
NW: yes. I play Kasontas, level XX wizard with the following gear...
GM: hey, I don't wanna know... this is meant to be not a very serious game
JF: Oh, come on. I'm a fighter. Here's my card, and, serious or not, I want exp anyway.
GM: Fine. Do it on your own risk.
JF: I'm a RPG god. What do you expect me to do, die at some random quest with two level 1 characters in party? You need to do the scaling so the noobs can survive, you know.
GM: (facepalms) whatever. How about you two?
RR: Let me just play something relaxing. How about a bowyer?
GM: A ranger, you say?
RR: Whatever
GM: Good, what about you?
LO: you know folks. I'm new to it, and since it's not serious, how about something big, strong and dumb.
RR: Let him be an ogre.
JF: No way. Canon characters can't be ogres.
LO: It will be fun!
GM: I suppose a level one ogre wouldn't be imbalanced or anything... What's your name?
LO: Mauler Stoneballs
JF: Make it microballs, please
RR: How large are ogre balls anyway
NM: I would say they are of size of a man's fist
RR: And their penises?
JF: Do they even have them? -_-
LO: No, they copulate with nipples.
GM: Stoneballs... And do you really think your ogre would articulate THAT?
LO: Err. How dumb am I exactly?
NM: I suggest to set his intelligence to 1.
RR: And to limit his vocabulary to five words.
GM: K.
LO: let me choose the words, at least!
GM: go ahead.
LO: Let's say: Kill, rape, toss, eat... and salad.
GM: makes sense... but why salad
LO: I want to be able to say I want to have my butt licked. (it's a different sentence in polish ofc but the meaning was pretty much the same )
GM: wat
RR: lol
JF: Oh come on
GM: (scribes something) good, now that we're past the initial stuff... your adventure starts on a cargo ship. You're a band of mercenaries that takes job of guarding stuff.
JF: And you want to tell us we have an ogre with us
GM: Seems so.
JF: It's stupid
GM: Whatever, it's not a very serious session. So, you're on the ship..
RR: I want to rape someone.
GM: The crew is 100% male
RR: Didn't I tell you my ranger's gay yet?
GM: Nope. But the ogre is homophobic. He'll smash your balls when he notices what you're doing.
LO: Hey, who said I am?
GM: I'm the master. You're my pawn. You do as I say.
RR: Someone has watched too much dexters lab.
GM: <facepalms> Kindly inform me of your deviations please.. all of you.
JF: I'm straight. And engaged!
RR: <whispers> to your right hand
NM: I chose purity. I'm a scholar-wizard.
RR: He means he hasn't learned the level nine spell "Mighty vigorous ****ing" yet.
GM: oh.
LO: I like trees. And wood.
NM: That is acceptable. An ogre with liking nature wouldn't be that off canon.
LO: I didn't mean it that way.
RR: He says he likes to do trees in the knots.
GM: <slightly confused> umm, right. So, guys, you're on the ship.. no, ranger, you can't rape the crew, they have +20 to saving throw against rape. Permanent.
LO: But there is plenty of wood here, isn't it?
GM: NO THE SHIP IS MADE OF METAL
LO: oh shucks.
NM: Where are we headed?
GM: You are heading towards a port.. well, that WAS your goal. It all changed when the sailors noticed a dark cloud approaching.
NM: A magical storm?
RR: No, the ogre ate too much chocolate. We're screwed.
GM: You bet.
LO: I dun like chocolate. Unless you mean something else.
JF: Trees don't have butts
LO: Who said I do trees only.
GM: I meant the second part of your sentence, ranger... it is a magical storm indeed. It's closing fast. The crew is getting afraid.
RR: Does that lower their saving throws against rape?
GM: <facepalms again> you SHOULD get some cover.
LO: What for
GM: The tides seem to be bigger and bigger. You will get washed out of the deck, most likely...
JF: And your stoney balls will act like an anchor.
NM: Can't we just try my forcefield magic
GM: You're spoiling the fun.
NM: Ok. My dear team, we really need to take cover under the deck.
JF: I'm the leader of this group and I say we dump the ogre overboard just in case.
RR: He can work as a raft.
JF: Yeah, a raft with an anchor. Great idea.
GM: <throws dice> While you were chatting, the magic knocked you senseless.
NM: You rolled 18. You forgot to include +2 to saving throws from my ring. I should not be knocked down by that.
GM: -_- Ok, the storm gets more severe. You get -20 to saving throws. You're down, mage. Sorry.
NM: -____-
RR: and that's it? We drowned?
GM: Not really. You all woke up on a beach, the wreck of your ship nowhere to be seen. Nobody survived except of you. You're all a bit dizzy, but you seem unharmed.
JF: How on earth did the ogre not drown
RR: Maybe his balls are empty inside.
GM: The seashore was relatively close. The waves tossed you on the beach.
NM: How about our equipement?
LO: I lost my favorite branch.
JF: -_____-
RR: There are trees nearby, right?
GM: NO, JUST ROCKS!
NM: Where are we, exactly?
GM: On a beach. You don't see much except the sea and the forest.
LO: Aha!
GM: It's far away.
LO: Who cares. I need a branch. Now.
NM: We can wait for the night and judge where are we looking on the constellations.
GM: Yeah, but you need to eat, too.
RR: And take a poo. I mean, I don't want to take a poo with this tin can watching. hey gm, maybe his armor rusted when he was in the water?
GM: His armor is +1. It doesn't rust.
JF: Owned.
GM: What do you do?
JF: We leave the ogre here and leave for woods.
GM: You can't, he's the property of the mage.
LO: hey, he said he is into scrolls, not ogres.
GM: Let's just say you're something like a squire to him.
NM: He can stay. I can make much use of a big meatshield like him. No need to memorize summon spells before sleep then.
GM: See? it's settled. And you're getting hungry.
RR: Those woods must have some animals. And I'm a ranger. Let me hunt!
JF: Your arrows weren't +1. They all rusted.
GM: Let's say they did not.
JF: He's still level one. He wouldn't hit a 10 meter high giant standing three feet next to him.
NM: Giants have very low AC, but the animals should be easily hittable at level one.
GM: So I assume you've taken the hike to the forest?
JF: Not like I have much chance with those noobs.
GM. You encounter a dead orc.
LO: Can I eat him?
GM: How desperate one has to be to eat a stinking rotten orc's corpse?
JF: <whispers> you can even take him in the butt
LO: He won't fit in my butt
JF: That's not what I meant (yeah, in Polish, it's pretty much the same gag )
NM: let's examine the corpse.
GM: There are no slashes or cuts on him, no bruises. He seems just dead.
NM: magic then, or age.
GM: He looks young and healthy.
LO: You said rotten
GM: Ok, young and rotten.
JF: Any valuables?
LO: Any wooden objects?
GM: None.
JF: What a waste of time then.
LO: Can I have that tree?
GM: <facepalms> have it your way.
LO: Weee!
GM: The ogre is busy on the clearing. Meanwhile, you hear some sounds coming from the bushes.
NM: Casting true sight.
GM: the spell failed. There is a strong sense of antimagic field in the air.
RR: I shoot an arrow into the bushes
JF: You idiot. Now they got hostile. You don't have a damn idea of playing an RPG game.
GM: <throws dice> you missed whatever was there. The air got dense, there is a sense of danger approaching.
JF: I'd say run for it.
GM: You can't. You are suddenly getting bombarded with large black orbs. <throws dice a few times>. Most missed, but one is heading straight into the ogre.
LO: Can I play baseball? That branch is pretty multi-purpose, after all.
JF: Go ahead and try.
GM: you're not trying to dodge?
LO: I am an ogre. I tank.
GM: <rolls>. uhh, guys, he got 20. He deflected the orb with his branch.
JF: Pure luck, no brains.
NM: I try some simple spell to see if the magic field works against low level magic.
GM: The field blocks all magic.
LO: LET ME AT THEM!
GM: the ogre charges and... <throws> 20. He manages to dodge all incoming orbs and notice small, fairy-like creatures in the bush.
JF: lucker.
LO: RAPE!
GM: Rapecheck... oh no. How is that damn possible?
RR: what
GM: 20 third time in a row. That would mean...
LO: YEAH BABY!
GM: let's keep the session clean. The creatures disappeared, scared by the ogre, but appeared on the other side of the clearing, orb attacking you again. <throws> you take damage, fighter and ranger... you take no damage, mage. The ranger is heavily wounded by the attack.
NM: We have no clerics.
JF: Good riddance. An arrow through the bushes against an unknown being, great job.
GM: Your senses are failing you. You can't notice the creatures and initiate combat. The field prevents casting of any magic.
NM: We have to run.
RR: What about the ogre?
GM: he still stands in the bushes. He takes it slow.
RR: What, the bush?
GM: The information. He is overwhelmed, his low intelligence is pretty bad here.
JF: We don't need him. Kill the sucker. Get a piano to fall on his head and kill him, whatever!
GM: With his luck, the piano would ricochet off his skull and kill you instead, I fear. And the creatures keep shooting. <rolls> You take damage, ranger. You're near death. Fighter, you're left with 50% HP. The mage saves against the attack.
JF: I kill the ranger so he doesn't slow us down. Chaotic evil guys, sorry.
LO: NO WAY! I BLOCK!
JF: You don't know that word.
LO: TOSS MYSELF!
GM: You jump in front of the fighter's sword and.. <rolls>
JF: Don't tell me he got a next 20. It's impossible.
GM: No..
JF: Finally.
GM: He got a 19. You missed.
JF: SCREW YOU!
NM: Do what you want, I'm out of here, I run.
GM: <rolls> you managed to evade the orbs and escape. What do you do, fighter?
JF: I need to kill the ranger. I mean, he's dead anyway, and I could use the loot. Another attack.
LO: TOSS MYSELF!
GM: <throws> Guys, this is impossible...
JF: -___________-
GM: See for yourself.
NM: it's a 20.
GM: You missed again. The fairies shoot and... <rolls> The ranger managed to save, but you fighter, you take severe damage. You're at 20% HP. Ogre, you take critical damage, you're at 40% hp.
JF: HAHA! At last that sucker got hit.
RR: Can I at least attack the fighter? He's an ***.
GM: <rolls> he evades the attack and counters <roll>
LO: TOSS MYSELF?
GM: initiative fail, ogre. You are too exhausted after the attack. <rolls> I'm sorry, ranger. The damage was enough to kill you.
RR: ahh, good riddance, level 1 char is not a big deal.
JF: I grab his bow and run.
LO: TOSS MYSELF!
GM: The ogre jumps in front of you. You don't take damage, but you get blocked. The creatures shoot... <rolls> Guys, you're both at 10% life. The next attack may kill you.
JF: ENOUGH this guy is just BULL****. Can you haste me, mage?
NM: I'm pretty far away.
JF: Screw you coward. Ok, technically, if the first attack kills the ogre, I may still have time to run.
LO: Not fair
JF: You don't have the character card anyway and I can get exp for killing you that way. Come on.
LO: It would be smart to run first.
RR: Yeah, run like a bunch of homeless towards a caritas soup.
JF: shut up you corpse. RUNNNN
GM: <throws> the ogre saved against an incoming attack, but you, fighter...
JF: IT IS BS! YOU CHEAT!
GM: you're still alive, but you're at 5% HP. <rolls> you manage to outrun the creatures. You're safe.
JF: Time to get us rid of this ***hole.
LO: I ATTACK FIRST!
GM: <throws>
JF: OH NO YOU DON'T! (grabs the dice) LET ME DO IT INSTEAD!
GM: but...
JF: <throws> HA! 4! YOU DIE, YOU STUPID OGRE!
GM: But that was your saving throw.
JF: @_@
GM: The ogre rolls... 18. A hit.
JF: WHAT A JOKE. But he still can't kill me... he deals too little damage, hahhaa!
GM: <rolls> You are left at 1 point of health, fighter...
JF: and now he dies.
RR: Wait. You forgot to include his branch's damage.
JF: NO WAY...
RR: Let's assume it does 1-1 damage ^_^
GM: Well, I suppose it's true... you take mortal damage, fighter. You die.
JF: **** YOU! <leaves the room>.
LO: Told you my sympathy towards the trees is useful. Hey mage, wanna take XP from killing me? I don't give a damn and it's pretty late.
NM: I'm Neutral good. I won't kill my own team mate.
LO: TOSS SALAD!
GM: <throws> you break your neck trying to lick your own butt.
LO: OH NOES. <dies>



Whew... I know you guys don't give a damn, but I was so annoyed after the exam, I just HAD to relax by writing

Thanks for reading this, cheers!

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Elvin
Elvin


Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
posted May 31, 2009 12:45 PM

That was awesome in so many ways The ogre and the ranger were hilarious.

Let's say: Kill, rape, toss, eat... and salad
NO THE SHIP IS MADE OF METAL!
Does that lower their saving throws against rape?
There are trees nearby, right?
NO, JUST ROCKS!
Don't tell me he got a next 20. It's impossible.
No..
Finally.
He got a 19. You missed.
But that was your saving throw.
@_@

Epic!

____________
H5 is still alive and kicking, join us in the Duel Map discord server!
Map also hosted on Moddb

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JoonasTo
JoonasTo


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
posted May 31, 2009 01:36 PM

Epic indeed.

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Celfious
Celfious


Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
posted May 31, 2009 01:41 PM

Ya I remember rping, the funnest parts I think were designing the character and getting ready for the game. But as fun as it was I didnt want to do it over and over again.. i wanted to make an awesome one and stick with it.
____________
What are you up to

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baklava
baklava


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
posted May 31, 2009 01:41 PM

Hahah
Returns me to my roleplaying days

Ah, the nostalgia...
____________
"Let me tell you what the blues
is. When you ain't got no
money,
you got the blues."
Howlin Wolf

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DagothGares
DagothGares


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
posted May 31, 2009 02:06 PM

Man, I wish Belgium was familiar with this...
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JoonasTo
JoonasTo


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
posted May 31, 2009 02:09 PM

Bah, only dorks do DnD...





...like Vin Diesel...






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DagothGares
DagothGares


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
posted May 31, 2009 02:12 PM
Edited by DagothGares at 14:13, 31 May 2009.

and badasses who hit rock bottom!

EDIT: I know they just sellin' their soul and it not be true rp'ing. I just felt like linking.
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Oscarius
Oscarius


Famous Hero
*sleepy*
posted May 31, 2009 02:36 PM

That was a laugh
____________
Need moar avatars!

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veco
veco


Legendary Hero
who am I?
posted May 31, 2009 02:40 PM

Awesome
____________
none of my business.

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JoonasTo
JoonasTo


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
posted May 31, 2009 02:41 PM


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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted May 31, 2009 03:27 PM
Edited by Doomforge at 15:28, 31 May 2009.

Yeah, that's pretty much what the GM did, but he preferred the singlehanded facepalm.

I'm glad you liked it

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Adrius
Adrius


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Stand and fight!
posted May 31, 2009 03:41 PM

Hahaha, so awesome
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Carcity
Carcity


Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
posted May 31, 2009 05:42 PM

LOL doom that was the most awesome thing I've read today. the ogr and the ranger where hilarious.

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Geny
Geny


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
posted May 31, 2009 10:26 PM

Hehe, just what I needed right now.
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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted June 02, 2009 01:12 PM

Thanks again guys The story is 100% true, too. Of course I had to cut out the boring parts (all technical stuff: numerous rolls, chart checks and such).

A shame my poor ogre died at the end

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Elvin
Elvin


Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
posted June 02, 2009 03:02 PM
Edited by Elvin at 09:36, 15 Mar 2011.

Your own fault for liking salad

*BUMP!*

I was thinking about this lately, revived for the newer members
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Map also hosted on Moddb

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ohforfsake
ohforfsake


Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
posted March 15, 2011 10:01 AM

Haha! This is good!

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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted March 15, 2011 05:54 PM

Ahh, my fine session memories are still alive
____________
We reached to the stars and everything is now ours

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Elvin
Elvin


Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
posted February 09, 2017 11:39 AM

Hey doom, any chance you have other good stories?
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H5 is still alive and kicking, join us in the Duel Map discord server!
Map also hosted on Moddb

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