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Heroes Community > Other Side of the Monitor > Thread: Real Life problems....
Thread: Real Life problems.... This thread is 7 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 · «PREV / NEXT»
Smithey
Smithey


Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
posted April 06, 2011 01:10 AM

Quote:
Well now that's she in this situation, she has to choose either to confess or to break up.  The truth is ... and its simple.  She has chosen to be unfaithful, which means her feelings for her boyfriend have changed.  You can't 'love' two people.  She should make up her mind and stop being selfish.


People like you make this world a better place

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Smithey
Smithey


Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
posted April 06, 2011 01:16 AM

Quote:
But if you ask my honest oppinion I think he deserves the truth. If you love someone you either love them so much you don't want to hurt them by telling them or you respect the person and tell him. It will hurt but he will know the truth. I don't know I'd rather be in pain for a while but know the nature of the breakup with my gf of 4(!!!!) years than simply live my life in ignorance of the fact. The cheating most likely has a has a reason and if you don't know it maybe he'll find something. Even he doesn't he'll be able to talk to her and somehow understand and move on and maybe even learn something for future relationships. No I would tell him. The fact that you all share friends complicates things to an extent but she has to break up with him not with their friends and noone has to know the real reason why they broke up.


If she tells him the real reason I doubt he won't share it with at least one friend because it is a painful thing, and you need friends in that situation. Assuming not everyone is a human vault like myself, people talk and rumors get out
But since you claim you would want to know, there are two of us already

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mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 06, 2011 01:18 AM

Tell your friend that if she doesn't confess that she's been cheating, you'd tell her boyfriend yourself. If she doesn't, tell her boyfriend yourself. Either it'll all work out somehow, or, in the worst case, do you really want to be friends with someone who would lie to someone like that?
____________
Eccentric Opinion

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Fauch
Fauch


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 06, 2011 01:33 AM

Quote:
I don't know I'd rather be in pain for a while but know the nature of the breakup with my gf of 4(!!!!) years than simply live my life in ignorance of the fact. The cheating most likely has a has a reason and if you don't know it maybe he'll find something. Even he doesn't he'll be able to talk to her and somehow understand and move on and maybe even learn something for future relationships.


if you don't tell him, he will probably torture himself trying to figure why it happened. it makes me think of a story in the newspapers, about a plane that crashed like 1 or 2 years ago, and the families of the victims say they won't find peace before they know why it happened. that's silly, because it won't bring their relatives back to life, but well...
well, of course, knowing the cause of the accident is important, but the families won't have much practical use of that knowledge.


Quote:
You can't 'love' two people.  She should make up her mind and stop being selfish.

you are talking from a possessive point of view. of course you can love more than 1 person. just love whoever is in front of you (yeah, I know we aren't in carebears world)

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baklava
baklava


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
posted April 06, 2011 01:41 AM
Edited by baklava at 01:41, 06 Apr 2011.

Take photos and blackmail her for money. That way she learns what it's like when someone close to you is being a butthole and you get free cash. Everybody wins.
____________
"Let me tell you what the blues
is. When you ain't got no
money,
you got the blues."
Howlin Wolf

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Azagal
Azagal


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
posted April 06, 2011 01:49 AM

You're obviosly right smithey people will most likely start to spread rumors and it'll get out and things will be bad and your friends reputation will suffer but still... she cheated on him no matter the outcome it will be hard and painful. And the first concern should be his feelings not the subsequent chaos that may (or may not, as slim as the chance is) ensue.
____________
"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord

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Corribus
Corribus

Hero of Order
The Abyss Staring Back at You
posted April 06, 2011 03:30 AM

@Smithey

I don't mind.  But you are also, if you so desire, welcome to add new dilemmas (purely hypothetical or real) to the other thread.
____________
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg

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JollyJoker
JollyJoker


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 06, 2011 09:10 AM

I don't care, what people here tell about "real" friends.

"Real" friends don't suffocate each other with their problems they obviously can't and don't want to solve.

The only situation "honesty" is called for, is when someone doesn't know what to do, knows, however, that something must be done, because the situation calls for it, and need to talk about it with someone, preferably her best friend, in order to come to a decision and solve the problem.

Otherwise, if you are just a confidant of a dishonesty involving people you are befriended with as well, and a confidant who doesn't do anything, is an accomplice as well. The bad thing is, she is making you so against your will.
Keeping quiet is no "service of friendship" - it's more like emotional blackmail, friend or not - after all you are befriended with the cheated as well.

In my book, the moment SHE came to Smithey to confess, she committed herself to solve the problem, since she deliberately put smithey in a bad situation, and friends may call on friends any time but not for in indefinite time: friendship calls for removing the burden.

So if I was smithey, I'd simply told her QUITE soon, since this is a very awkward situation, that if SHE doesn't solve the situation, one way or another, smithey will.

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smithey
smithey


Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
posted April 06, 2011 10:52 AM
Edited by smithey at 10:53, 06 Apr 2011.

Nicely done by all, it was helpful just talking about it, thanks

#2. Suicide

Around 2002, a friend of mine, studying abroad, living in an emotionally abusive relationship one day just decided it's enough. Got a phone call, she was really emotional, told me she loved me and appreciated our friendship, found it a bit weird but paid no special interest to it. a week later, found out she had a couple of those calls and that she's no longer amongst us.
Spent half a year being angry at myself, at her, at her other friends, her parents pretty much at everybody, still left with so many unanswered questions, and still think of her from time to time and ask myself could it be prevented...
Points of the story -

Pay attention to your loved ones, listen, be kind, if you notice the smallest abnormalities do poke around, push to know more, don't ignore problems and don't wait for others do do something with them, if you can't handle them yourself seek professional help, just don't be blind, because your loved ones might be simply gone the next day.

If you are the ones experiencing emotional distress talk to your friends, don't hold it inside, whatever the problem is and however big it might be or feel, it can be fixed. Let others help you

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Yaeliccc
Yaeliccc


Known Hero
Undead, but warm and fuzzy
posted April 06, 2011 11:48 AM
Edited by Yaeliccc at 11:49, 06 Apr 2011.

Oh my, your one friend is a cheating spring spirit/medusa wanna be and the other one took her own life ? had a joke which would allow me te get back at you, but it doesnt feel right after reading the second story , shame on you

nice thread, moi like, i cried while reading the second one

here comes something less devastating

#3# Work creeps

we are a team of five all equals, working in a marketing dept. there are a couple more teams as well in the dept. and there is one boss of the entire dept.
four of us are awesome but the fifth member is a huge ass, also has a huge ass , he doesnt share our load of work, we end up behind coz of him, he's lazy and even regardless of his work ethics he's an ass as a human being. problem is he's friends -outside work- with the boss of the entire dept. all communication goes through him as well as feedback. we tried talkin to him, he shrugged us off have i mentioned he's an ass ?
solutions as i see them are -
-rat on him to the boss whos also his friend
-rat on him to the boss above our boss - which is kinda bad
-spike his tea with some rat poison till he gets sick enough and gets replaced by someone else
-ohh dont know how to use rat in this one, hire a prostitute to sleep with him, take photos and blackmail him into working or changing teams

your take on things ? and no, we dont have enough money to hire an assassin and its too messy

thnx thnx

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JollyJoker
JollyJoker


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 06, 2011 12:11 PM

My wife, who has lots of work experience in comparable jobs, says, there is just one way to handle this. If trying to solve it within the team doesn't work - which obviously didn't - you have to ask for a meeting with the boss, either one speaker for the 4 or all 4.

You have to inform him about the problem and ask for a solution. While the guy may be a friend of the boss, the boss has an interest in his team delivering results, and if he sees this endangered he must act.

If he doesn't act or doesn't act sufficientky, the time has come to bring the problem to the ears of the boss's boss.

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OhforfSake
OhforfSake


Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
posted April 06, 2011 12:56 PM

Suicide part:
Really horrible! Not your responsibility though! It is very very important, in my humble and honest opinion, that she was allowed to live or not live, as she pleased. Her choice.
But who wouldn't be mad at themselves? Who wouldn't want to say just the right word, do the right thing and this never happened?
Maybe one day, she'll be back among us, but except for working towards that and maybe support those who love her, if you so wish (it's a long time ago, I see, so it's probably not something that tears through you anymore, I suppose).

I believe however it is important not to think everyone will commit suicide as the only option if they're sad. I don't know much about your culture, so I can't say how often it's used, but eventhough suicide is something to take most seriously, it's not something you should assume to be hiding under every rock. I think that would be too ressource requiring.

Work part:
I agree with JJ. You must stand together, all 4! I'm quite confident. My other solution would be to change to work structure. What you have right now doesn't sound like a team, but 5 individuals doing each their share.
Since I don't know the specifics, nor what your work actually consists of, though, I cannot say if this is possible however.




@Fauch
I agree you can love more than one person. I think you can love as many as you want. However, at least for me, love requires an extreme amount of courage. Not because I can get hurt, but because those I love can get hurt. Their life becomes everything and their happiness must be!
I can only envy a guy like jesus who went out to love everyone. A courage I probably never could muster!
____________
Living time backwards

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Fauch
Fauch


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 06, 2011 06:17 PM

Quote:
If you are the ones experiencing emotional distress talk to your friends, don't hold it inside, whatever the problem is and however big it might be or feel, it can be fixed. Let others help you

depends on people. some may actually not need outside help. the problem with outside help, is when you are expecting others to solve the problem for you. since they can't, it will make you even more unhappy. they can help you, but you are the only one who can definitely solve the problem.

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Smithey
Smithey


Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
posted April 06, 2011 09:33 PM
Edited by Smithey at 21:38, 06 Apr 2011.

@ JJ I just love how your every response starts with "my wife", I just hope you also let her know how much you appreciate her

@ Yael, you're cool, you don't have to restrain yourself because of the context, take your revange whenever you feel like it, something tells me everybody will find it amusing

regarding the work thing, I see two options
option 1 - find a way to manipulate him into leaving your team and thinking it's his idea
option 2 - the proper way of handling it in my opinion, all 4 of you need to talk to the ass, not allow him to shrug you off, let him know its unaccaptable and if he doesnt listen that you will take it to the boss, after it fails you go to the boss, if that fails as well you move up to the next boss in line.

@ Ohfor, havent claimed everybody will resort to suicide but many people can go on suffering for many years because people closest to them ignored the problems or simply didnt pay enough attention.
and my culture is... well, lived way too many lives to just have one, think of me as a hybrid of ex-Yugoslavia/USA/Israel so from ignorant, to moral, primitive, choose one and it's probably a part of my values

@ Fauch, you've misunderstood the point or I have misphrased myself, point was to not hold things inside, whether its to talk to friends, family, shrinks, anonymous ppl, social workers... the important thing is to not hold it inside

Ok givin you some more

#4. Getting out of the closet

If someone has tips, thoughts, experiences good or bad with friends or themselves, something that can help whoever is in need... share

#5. Jealousy

One of my "greatest" virtues, I'm really possesive and not only of my girlfriend but of my friends as well
Since I understand it's my problem and my problem only I never let it interfere in a manner I don't see as a reasonable one, meaning I would never ask my girl to stop having male friends, I would never spy on her, I would never take my issues out on her.. however I don't believe in keeping things inside so I would let her know it bugs me, luckily for me my current girl is a bigger freak than me and you don't want to hear some of the sentences she said to me LOL
but still as someone who believes in self improvement, that awesome virtue of mine bugs me, if you felt in a similar way do share, if you have found a way to cope with it or exterminate it SHARE the formula !!!!!

#6. Mickey

Was sitting in a pub with a friend (yup the cheater), next to us a couple on a first date, met over the internet... we could overhear them and we like to make fun of others when we're not making fun of ourselves, anyhow, to cut it short, when the girl left to use the ladies room, guy slipped a mickey in her drink
I havent even noticed, my friend did, we divided forces and things nearly got physical.. eventually the guy left, the girl joined us for the rest of the evening, I'm not sure I've handled it in the best possible way but we're not talkin about me...
How would you resolve it... keep in mind that you also had a few drinks

#7. Mary jane

My friend has been getting high for the last 7 yrs, its like at one point he was really smart, now he's still smart but I cant have a conversation with him because every thought he has is.. well you get one sentence per 6 minutes, I cant do that...
have you had those ? did you find ways to take them out of it ? thoughts, tips

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Fauch
Fauch


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 06, 2011 10:05 PM

Quote:
@ Fauch, you've misunderstood the point or I have misphrased myself, point was to not hold things inside, whether its to talk to friends, family, shrinks, anonymous ppl, social workers... the important thing is to not hold it inside

I don't think it's necessary. depend on the person. you are talking about depression, not about some secrets. many depressive people are willing to talk and it's still doesn't help them. they will feel good as long as someone is listening to them, and get depressed again once they are alone.


Quote:
Jealousy

I'm not even sure if I'm jealous, but when I miss her, I'm under the impression that it is jealousy.
I doubt there is a formula, all you will do is deny the fact you are jealous. don't try to do anything about it, if you condemn it, you make it a problem.

Quote:
Mary Jane

well, I hope he says clever things at least. still better than the guy giving you immediately the generic answer everyone else would have given.

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JollyJoker
JollyJoker


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 06, 2011 10:07 PM

4 and 6 I can't say anything to. Except I think you did right with 6.

5 is a matter of trust entirely. Trust in your partner that (s)he wouldn't lie to you and betray you, but play it straight, so as long as there comes nothing from her/him there is nothing, and trust in yourself that you ARE someone who CAN be loved, who IS attractive, who HAS a lot to offer, wo IS worthy of partner.

Being jealous, when there is no good reason, means that this trust or part of it just isn't there. It also means that you waste time with fears instead of concentrating on the important things.

Lastly 7.
Well. I know what you are talking about. He probably likes to be stoned and in his own spacetime, but it just MIGHT be possible that he's just doing the wrong type of stuff - not every sort is leading to slow motion country.

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yaeliccc
yaeliccc


Known Hero
Undead, but warm and fuzzy
posted April 07, 2011 01:06 AM
Edited by yaeliccc at 01:07, 07 Apr 2011.

ohh nice, i like the idea of manipulating him into leaving, sounds sneaky like makiaveli

4. I doubt there are any tips on the subject, it differes from person to person, from culture to culture, from family to family, I have a friend who went through it and it was just a horribly hard process

5. Being overly possessive is so not sexy, I bet you never shared toys either ..... not those toys u perv

6. Should of have called cops on him, such a pathetic prick, couple of more mad smileys coming

7. If you say something, he wont listen, If you do something, he will get mad, its a battle u cant win, the only way to win it is if he chooses to do it himself, if he doesnt want to it will soon be a sentence per 15 minutes but it will be probably more meaningful than what you say in 37 sentences

ps - u can tie him up to a bed (not in a kinky way, nor in a se7en way) and eventually.... after a few yrs tied to a bed he will no longer be a druggie

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OhforfSake
OhforfSake


Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
posted April 08, 2011 12:04 AM

What I would do:

4) Ignore my sexuality.

5)
I've divided people into two groups. Those who happiness I'll sacrifice my own for and those whose I won't.
The first group are those I love. I can't be jelous, because I'm only more happy, the more happy they're. For those who happiness I won't sacrifice my own for, I don't really care what they're up to.

So simply no room for jealousy. However I don't think many likes to think like that. Having their girlfriend/boyfriend doing it with someone else, doesn't, for some odd reason, make many happy, despite it might make the girlfriend/boyfriend happy.

6) Be afraid and ignore it.

7) Ask him to stop. Try to make small changes, which hopefully can lead to big changes. Or rather, lead to him allowing everything to be thrown away. Sadly I've not enough knowledge of human psyche to be able to make someone recognize their enemy!




What I think is right:

4) If it's so important that it's worth hurting those you love for, well then there's only one way to come out.

5) The same.

6) Using my "hands faster than the eye" to swap his drug pills with something that have no effect. Find a nice girl, use the drug pills on myself and see where I end up.

7) Using my most formidable knowledge on the brain to simply replace his drugs with a look alike (super fast hands) that removes his addiction all together.
____________
Living time backwards

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Fauch
Fauch


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 08, 2011 02:12 AM
Edited by Fauch at 02:12, 08 Apr 2011.

Quote:
guy slipped a mickey in her drink

I didn't understand it was a drug. in french we use "mickey" to say, you know, when you use your finger to extract stuff from your nose
so that's sounded kinda disgusting to me.

Quote:
So simply no room for jealousy.


really? it is a thing to act as if you weren't jealous, and another to not be jealous at all.

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OhforfSake
OhforfSake


Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
posted April 08, 2011 08:05 PM

Yes, I know there's a difference to how you act and how you may feel.

What I mean is that I don't act jealous. The nasty feeling that might come up in me, has no reasoning due to how I have divided people.

Usually, when at least I give in to feelings, it's because a tiny little voice comes with a reason that I just can't find a counter argument against, that is sufficient good.

I have all sorts of feelings all the time, at random times.
____________
Living time backwards

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