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| Thread: Online dating |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 · «PREV / NEXT» |
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JollyJoker
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posted February 24, 2015 11:13 AM |
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Doomforge said:
Some things are like trying to break a board with your forehead. You can do it. You can get .. errr.. satisfaction from it. But why would you want to? 
In the end, things are about efficiency. If you're trying to meet an interesting person, online dating is... pretty inefficient.
And you can say that with the air of general knowledge because?
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Doomforge
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posted February 24, 2015 11:38 AM |
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JollyJoker said:
And you can say that with the air of general knowledge because?
Cause I did it for several years, of course. And several of my mates, too.
After several hundred cases I think I'm pretty experienced when it comes to the subject.
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JollyJoker
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posted February 24, 2015 12:00 PM |
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So, let's see: you and a ouple of your mates had SEVERAL HUNDRED dates within the last several years, just via online dating - and you say it's not working?
You must be kidding.
EDIT: maybe I should add that this reminds me of the old joke, Looking for a nymphomaniac who ownes a liquor store and has a pc-gaming obsession - if online dating failed to deliver, you maybe should have written something like that in your profile? 
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Doomforge
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posted February 24, 2015 12:13 PM |
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Not all of those ended with dates, of course Some were just "small talks over e-mails" and such. I'd say I had maybe 50-100 dates over the past couple years.
Now, I know it must sound funny to you But I'm looking at the big picture here. Those dates only happened cause I wasn't yet aware of some sort of critical flaw that I'd normally instantly spot if it wasn't online dating. And the "success rate" aka entering a meaningful relationship was pitiful. Most of those (an overwhelming amount, like 95% or even more) ended with a single date.
So efficiency is quite terrible
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JollyJoker
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posted February 24, 2015 12:43 PM |
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Looks like a criteria problem. It doesn't hurt to write the things you want and don't want into your profile, if your aim is a "meaningful relationship".
"Waste of time" and inefficiency is the consequence of not being outspoken about things, and you shouldn't shy away from writing "must not have a problem with full shaving" or something like that, because you can tell someone who'd have a problem with you stating that wouldn't qualify for a lasting relationship anyway. (Or in case you answer to some vague profile, mentioning this.)
See, it makes no sense to date every second person available when you have very specific ideas. That's why it's ONLINE dating: you can and SHOULD CHECK things out beforehand - and if it's important to you you can be expected to spend some time thinking about what is important for you, what you want and what you do NOT want under no circumstances.
There is also nothing wrong with being honest - provided the aim is a meaningful relationship, of course.
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Warmonger
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fallen artist
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posted February 24, 2015 12:57 PM |
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Quote:
The most beautiful and interesting woman I've ever met online turned out to be a complete psychopath, incapable of feeling empathy and faking every gesture.
What is wrong with psychopath girls? I feel much more comfortable with them than easy-goers. In fact it didn't took off with many girls as they were way too much sociable and in fact already busy with their life.
Quote:
That would work if both sexes were evenly distributed among hobbies
Hobbies are just hobbies, something additional to do with your spare time (and money). Choose what is more important to you
Quote:
See, it makes no sense to date every second person available when you have very specific ideas
Good point. You don't need to use internet to meet lots of terrible people . They are just like that in real life, too. You waste your time on your own wish.
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Tsar-Ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
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posted February 24, 2015 01:08 PM |
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Quote:
What is wrong with psychopath girls? I feel much more comfortable with them than easy-goers. In fact it didn't took off with many girls as they were way too much sociable and in fact already busy with their life.
Meh I go around and I don't actively judge people by their actions/social life, i.e I don't quantify people, all I look at is just the way they make me feel. So even a "decent kind person" may rub me the wrong way, and it's all subjective in the end. I generally try to stay on good terms with everybody so long as they're not active sadists (not that I'd automatically rule them out either).
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xerox
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Undefeatable Hero
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posted February 24, 2015 01:47 PM |
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I use dating apps all the time and lots of men want to snow me. It's all about supply and demand, yo.
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Nitramar
Adventuring Hero
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posted February 24, 2015 02:01 PM |
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Edited by Nitramar at 14:24, 24 Feb 2015.
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TDL said:
In order to secure a relationship or even a one-night stand/several dates, you have to be ready to have something to give the other person in return, as in quid pro quo. I swore to myself back in school I would never date or think about dating/love until after I found stable ground, and have something to provide the other person with, be it emotionally, financially or physically. Maybe this ended up more of a curse as I turned down options early, but my resolve somewhat strengthened over time because I realised how flawed most relationships are and in order to have them work, you have to put in the hours and, again, give smth in return. If you are a selfish snow like I am, you'd probably see things similarly and why even bothering isn't worthwhile.
This is basically how I think as well, except that I don't attribute it to selfishness (more like anxiety). Actually, I still feel like I'm not ready (as in stable enough) for a relationship and indeed I have never tried to do anything about it. I might actually even turn down a chance if I were ever to receive one by someone else's initiative. But at the same time I do feel a need for companionship. Of course, I would prefer it if I were able to eliminate this need rather than satisfying it. I'd certainly be a lot happier if I could avoid worrying about these things. But so far, it seems impossible, because of the social pressure and because being lonely makes me think about stuff I don't want to think about. So that's why I have considered online dating (as it seems the only type of dating I could ever dare to try). Considering it doesn't necessarily mean I'm ever going to do it, though.
To the people saying that it isn't all bad, I'm sure they are right, though. For some people, it may indeed be a good option. But it's very much dependant on one's personality. To me, the whole concept of dating (as in actively and deliberately trying to find a mate), online or not, feels unnatural, so there is probably no good dating option for me at all. I'd like to be able to be like TDL and just don't care, because rationally, his point of view makes a lot of sense to me. Too bad it doesn't work for me emotionally.
So, basically I'd like to have a wife/girlfriend but I would not like to go through the process of getting to that state (yes, I realize how silly that is). I wonder if that is actually the case for many people who decide to make an online dating profile and just wait for stuff to happen. Kind of a way to confirm oneself that one is at least trying, without actually making any kind of effort at all.
EDIT: and about this efficiency discussion. I guess if you want to get really mathematical you could start thinking about expeceted values. If a bad date counts as a negative experience, then going on a hundred really bad dates should be a lot worse than going on zero dates . If you believe that, it seems obvious that you should be very specific about what you want. And from the other point of view, I can imagine that most men would like women to be really specific about what they want as well, so it might make sense to just follow some Golden Rule type of reasoning, which would lead to the same result.
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Doomforge
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posted February 24, 2015 02:28 PM |
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Warmonger said:
What is wrong with psychopath girls? I feel much more comfortable with them than easy-goers. In fact it didn't took off with many girls as they were way too much sociable and in fact already busy with their life.
She's incapable of creating and maintaining any emotional bond with you. You're better off paying a prostitute if you're into that kind of thing.
JollyJoker said:
See, it makes no sense to date every second person available when you have very specific ideas. That's why it's ONLINE dating: you can and SHOULD CHECK things out beforehand - and if it's important to you you can be expected to spend some time thinking about what is important for you, what you want and what you do NOT want under no circumstances.
There is also nothing wrong with being honest - provided the aim is a meaningful relationship, of course.
Oh, trust me, I only contacted people that felt interesting in the first place.
The number I gave seems big, but when you break it down it's 1 person met for every 1-2 months (for 8 years). So it's not like I've been drooling over my keyboard in desperation clicking invites every day.
Nitramar said:
EDIT: and about this efficiency discussion. I guess if you want to get really mathematical you could start thinking about expeceted values. If a bad date counts as a negative experience, then going on a hundred really bad dates should be a lot worse than going on zero dates . If you believe that, it seems obvious that you should be very specific about what you want. And from the other point of view, I can imagine that most men would like women to be really specific about what they want as well, so it might make sense to just follow some Golden Rule type of reasoning, which would lead to the same result.
It does give you experience though. After a couple years, I've been able to see through stuff that in the beginning took me weeks.
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Stevie
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posted February 24, 2015 02:34 PM |
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This is what I know and what I feel about Online Dating. It is an environment in which it is very hard to find someone that you actually like. Most of the people are either looking for a rebound or their social environment and personalities are big issues. There is always the problem of seriousness in a relationship, distance, age, attractiveness, common activities and hobbies, etc. So you have to get past these in a sea of profiles (granted that they're true) until you find the right one and give online dating a shot.
Then after you start knowing the respective person you're bound to find flaws. There's no way around that, because them being there is the result of a flaw they have. People have unreasonable expectations from one another in such environments that even the smallest detail can make or break it for him/her. So people that are not prepared to make concessions regarding attractiveness, personality, etc. of the partner in question has the wrong mindset approaching online dating.
There's another very big issue with online dating - the environment itself. Personally I find it disgusting. It trivializes love and the wonders of discovering it. Browsing a website with men and women advertising themselves feels more like searching the Red Light district in Amsterdam for brothels. And I will return shortly to this point with a real life example I know. Then, there's the format. The farthest you can go with online dating is chatting and webcams if the feature is implemented. This creates a comfort zone in your psyche from which you will then have to get out, and that happens very hard. Ever heard of people that refused to meet IRL because they didn't wanted to get outside their comfort zone and be disillusioned? I have. And one thing more, sharing experiences works a million times better than actual chatting on the web. It creates noteworthy memories, you share something with your partners, not to mention the physical presence of the one you are interested in is irreplaceable. So ever should you find someone interested in you on a dating website, the first thing you should do is seek to get out with him/her as fast and much as possible, do activities, etc. otherwise the comfort zone factor starts to kick in.
Now, about that example: I have an aunt that practices webchat to sell sex. Yea. Her main source of customers is online dating sites. You heard that right. DOZENS of profiles. Once, she struck the mother lode with a company director which she actually managed to seduce into marrying her. Worst decision of that guy's life. Not only she was unfaithful to him but she was also wasting his money and dragging down his career. He eventually divorced her, and now she's back to what she always did, stalking online profiles and recommending herself. So there is the risk of getting in a business which you did not signed for with dating websites.
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I just went downstairs to ask exactly how the couple I pay rent to found themselves (because I knew it was something similar). It was a very emotional story, like, the wife burst into tears some 5-6 times in a 2 hours conversation. Basically she found his recommendation in the matrimonial section of a paper. It happened in 1991, 2 years after the 89' revolution. She started dating him and at the same time went for two other persons (ofc he told him, he was doing the same). She was 9 years younger than him and they were both divorced at the time. She had one boy, he had kids but were given custody to his ex-wife, still keeping in touch with them. Of course, a lot of drama and mistakes, things they shouldn't have said, or so they think in hindsight, but the point is that they had the mindset to make things work. They had their share of disappointments, different mentalities in regards to some things (like the husband thinking her son should get his own place, while she wanted him to stay), but they worked on them, shaping each other into something harmonious. They're both baptists now and love God, so they came to even share a religious view. Truly beautiful and emotional story that was, to find out how they fought to build something and to see the passion in their eyes as they talked about it.
So what you guys make of that is up to you. Maybe most times it doesn't work, but sometimes it does. One thing I believe is that the mentalities and the manners of the newer generations are deplorable. It may be an important factor, as partners want from the other half to get what they themselves don't want to offer - understanding, seriousness, kindness and most of all love. So my advice, be what for the other partner what you want the other partner to be for you
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Doomforge
Admirable
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posted February 24, 2015 02:43 PM |
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Good post Stevie. I agree - the environment itself and the fact we're browsing through basically raw data (photos and some vague descriptions only) makes the thing soul-less. Now, if you add impossible standards of the more interesting people (not just visually), you're bound to find frustration. Lots of it.
It may even give you the illusion that you're a joke and nobody cares for you. but nah - the same people who reject you instantly with a click because you're - idk - not tall enough, or your hair has wrong color - would be entirely different if approached in reality, where delusional requirements fade when confronted with real interaction.
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ohforfsake
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posted February 24, 2015 02:48 PM |
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Doomforge said:
Warmonger said:
What is wrong with psychopath girls? I feel much more comfortable with them than easy-goers. In fact it didn't took off with many girls as they were way too much sociable and in fact already busy with their life.
She's incapable of creating and maintaining any emotional bond with you. You're better off paying a prostitute if you're into that kind of thing.
There exists people who're psychopaths who're married with children and have established a good family life.
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Living time backwards
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Doomforge
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posted February 24, 2015 02:51 PM |
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ohforfsake said:
There exists people who're psychopaths who're married with children and have established a good family life.
Of course. But I'm not the kind of person who cares for lies and carefully constructed illusions of emotions. I'm for the real thing.
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We reached to the stars and everything is now ours
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ohforfsake
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posted February 24, 2015 02:54 PM |
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If everyone in the world were a soulless robot, how would you know?
In my opinion the big deal isn't if she has a handicap, it is how it is to be with her, now as well as in the future. People can still invest themselves, even if they're not able to contain all that we call normal.
Edit: In other word, I'm trying to say I don't agree that it's not necessarily "the real deal".
I've seen so many children whose parents have divorced without concern for their what their child felt about it, but they aren't psychopaths and what they had were "real".. while a child can go through his life with one of his parent labelled a psychopath without ever finding out. So I don't think one can just say "that is real" and "that is not real", emotions aren't everything.
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Fauch
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posted February 24, 2015 02:56 PM |
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Doomforge said:
But yeah, trying online does have that "browsing" feeling. And the issue is that what you browse through is - let's be honest - deeply average.
lol, you're harsh. I would rather say there is a human factor missing, it's just very cold. it seems there's even often a feature where you see a single picture and you must say if you are interested or if you dismiss the person. at this point you can forget about love, it's human resource management...
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ohforfsake
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posted February 24, 2015 02:59 PM |
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Fauch said:
Doomforge said:
But yeah, trying online does have that "browsing" feeling. And the issue is that what you browse through is - let's be honest - deeply average.
lol, you're harsh. I would rather say there is a human factor missing, it's just very cold. it seems there's even often a feature where you see a single picture and you must say if you are interested or if you dismiss the person. at this point you can forget about love, it's human resource management...
I strongly believe the majority of people in the world could make each other happy, so I think it's an issue of bad priorities.
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Doomforge
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posted February 24, 2015 03:03 PM |
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I don't think you guys should be trying to defend the person in question. Psychopathy is a serious mental issue that leads to really serious consequences. We're talking about people that can ie. murder without a blink of the eye. Are you sure you're for that? 
And the person in question had qualified psychiatrist declare her a psychopath. It's not even something she'd hide, assuming I "either have to accept it or give up". And yeah, it's a direct quote.
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ohforfsake
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Initiate
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posted February 24, 2015 03:07 PM |
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Doom, I've lived all my life with that, and you're assuming way too much.
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Fauch
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted February 24, 2015 03:08 PM |
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Edited by Fauch at 15:16, 24 Feb 2015.
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mvassilev said:
I don't get the hate. Dating websites are useful and getting a date isn't that hard as long as you're not old, boring, or a terrible person.
but you have a massive advantage, you already have a gf, so other girls must believe there is necessarily something making you desirable.
xerox said:
I use dating apps all the time and lots of men want to snow me. It's all about supply and demand, yo.
unfair advantage, men want to snow anything
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