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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Bibliotheca Severus - Half-arsed cynical book reviews by Kipshasz
Thread: Bibliotheca Severus - Half-arsed cynical book reviews by Kipshasz
Kipshasz
Kipshasz


Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
posted December 23, 2017 07:32 PM

Bibliotheca Severus - Half-arsed cynical book reviews by Kipshasz

Since Doomforge started to crap on the Halfwit Boy Wizard and the World of Magic Morons some years ago, and went only half way through before completely losing his sanity and deciding to pursue his newfound goal of becoming the Angry Video Game Polak, I’ve been having a feeling that HC needs some more cynical book reviews.

I will not however tackle the Halfwit Boy Wizard and his adventures, since the author may have an autistic screeching session while she “counters” all the wrongs pointed out in her “pottermore” site with even more ridiculous plot devices and faulty logic, and of course the ever  lasting “but it’s a duuuuh, magic duuuuuuuh” argument, as well as a D-day scale SJW invasion into my own personal interwebz spce, I’ll leave it alone, for the Angry Video Game Polak(when he’ll do his Harry Potter video games episode eventually) to finish it. Let him deal with that crap.

The reviews are meant for entertainment purposes, as well as to ignite a discussion(mainly Artu who WILL claim that I am wrong, and how much of a masterpiece it is, and Sal who will oppose Artu in every way) Other’s are welcome to join the quote war as well.

Aaaaalrighty then. What should we talk about first? Oh I know! How about a tale about a spineless dork and his “oppressed at home” target of love and affection, as they travel down the path of opiate abuse?
Be vary, the review is full of spoilers, several near-breaches of the CoC, as well as my own, privileged, toxic masculinity filled white male opinion, which I was told may be triggering to some. So if you haven't read the book and don't want to be spoiled, GTFO from this thread to worship Erwan instead.

That’s right, we’re going to take a loog at the “best book ever” for the late 90s – early 200s teen. “Junk” (or “Smack” as it’s known in Trumpistan) by a jolly brit fellow Melvin Burgess.
Ok, to get it out of the way, yes, I’ve read the book as a teen. And at the time I thought it was good. I even own a hardback copy of it. But as I’ve read it a couple of years later, in my early 20s, all I thought about it was: “it sucks. Oh god it sucks”. No wonder teens today flee from the book, like a devil flees from a cross.

Let’s get to it then.
The premise is quite simple – The book follows the adventures(using the term very, very loosely here) of Tar. Tar is a teenage asshat living in Britain, in some small coastal town or whatever, and he’s from an abusive family – His dad is always piss dead drunk, and he beats his mom who is always piss drunk as well, for whatever reason. So, Tar resorts to hanging around with other teenage asshats, and eventually hatches a cunning plan – to run away from home, because that’s how much of a sissy he is. Running away will solve one’s problems instantly, with a snap of one’s fingers. But then again, a kid going to the local CPS equivalent of Britain and filing a complaint wouldn’t make much of a great cautionary story for the hormone storming zitty asshats, and let’s be frank here for a moment, the RL Brit CPS only have balls to take away kids from Eastern Bloc immigrants or are blind and deaf to all the abuse happening (Baby P for instance. Google that crap) around them.
So our little holier than thou, never touching a cig in my life(yeah, in the first few chapters he’s like that) wanker has a little scrump and munch session with his “girlfriend” on the back seat of their friend’s “Volvo”(because I suppose something like a “Morris Marina” would bet the author in a lot of trouble). And he takes off to the Promised Land that is actually Bristol.
His girlfriend(again, the term is used very, very loosely here) is a different story altogheter. Her reason to run away from home is because her dad thinks that the song “girls just wanna have fun” sucks ass(I agree with him, it does suck.) Or something like that. Gemma, as is her name, thinks that her parents are too strict with her, or something long those lines. So, after careful planning, she steals her dad’s credit card, takes out a 100 pounds and goes to live with her wanker. Speaking of, our little hero had been taken pity by a jewish tobacco store owner, who introduces Tar to a vegan punk-squatter friend of his. From here, what I think are the best chapters of the book, which describes the stoner anarchist posse eating vegan burgers, smoking joints and gluing the locks of banks with superglue. It’s hilarious, I’ll give it that. But the girl who just wants to have fun feels dissatisfied, and not only likely due to the size of our “hero’s” package down there. The anarcho-vegan posse throws a party, where the wanker duo meets Lily – a sort of a free spirit type of a girl, who has a flaw – she’s a heroin junkie. That immediately entrhalls Gemma, who thinks that she is way more awesome than those anarcho-vegan dorks who only smoke some pot and generally have a good time without degrading.
And eventually the wanker duo ends up living with Lily and her halfwit boyfriend, and end up partaking in the opiate substance. The chapters following that describe their daily activities which include dumpster diving, doing heroin, shoplifting steaks and erotic photo albums, doing heroin, swinging on a swing naked, doing heroin, banging each other, doing heroin, the girls providing happy endings at a massage parlor and more doing heroin.
Eventually, one of the broads get’s pregnant (you would assume that injecting that crap will eventually bleep with the plumbing down there), and they decide to quit doing heroin by going cold turkey.
Guess what. They flop. After a day. Guinness world record material, I know.
Eventually, the group has been targeted by the fuzz, as the coppers had found out about their fun with the needles, and out wanker hero is sent to rehab. Supposefly he comes out clean, but makes the crucial mistake – he goes back to the wanker posse, and you’re not gonna guess it. He does drugs again, because his “lover” does.
Of course the wanker tries to seek help from the Anarcho-Vegan crowd, but fails, because he’s a sissy who can’t get over some dumb broad who thinks this is a grand adventure of some sorts (honestly. The part where his anarcho-vegan pal Richard offers him a bike trip to India or something along those lines, would’ve at least partially solved his addiction problem, as he’d been removed from the toxic ppl in his life)
Eventually, the wanker posse gets busted for heroin again, and our brave hero decides to be, well, brave and takes all the heat. So he’s sent to the can. But appearantly his 21st finger was functioning as intended, and his “lover” is carrying the fruit of the drug fuelled scrump and munching sessions. This happens at the end of the book, and eventually our wanker is released from prison without being branded a downcast, and is now on methadone, with his so called girlfriend being on rehab and back with her parents as well. They go their separate ways, as the wanker beats the snot out of his wankress, and that they’ve found out they’re not really in love as it appeared. And the book ends. No overly happy ending for you suckas, because life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.

Ok, what can we take from this story? That Tar is a spineless sissy who succumbs to peer pressure and the smell of the lady’s intimate parts easily? Yes.
Also, don’t do drugs kids. Drugs are bad. That’s the lesson here.
Actually no. The true lesson of this tale is that you need to grow a bleeping  pair and tackle your problems like a man, head on and grabbing the bull by the balls and squeezing them as much as you can. If you’re beaten with a fist, come back with a bat. If you’re beaten with a bat, come back with the knife. And if you’re beaten by the knife, get back with a gun and end it rightly(although an unscrewed pommel is much more suitable for that. Let’s see how many of you will get that reference)
The supporting cast of characters, for the most part are rather decent. For example, you have the Anarcho-Vegan squad captain, Richard, who is, despite being a vegan, a rather stand up and helpful guy, and funny in his own way.
But the main characters, Tar and Gemma suck. Tar, as I’ve said, is a spineless piece of crap, who has weak will, succumbs to peer pressure very easily, and is a coward to boot. Why a coward? He refuses help from people who actually want to help him, because he fears to lose his so called “one true love”. And look where that gets him.
Gemma is what I would call, a spoiled suburban brat, most likely one of those queen bee types almost. To her everything’s a joke. To her, doing drugs is awesome, and working the oldest craft in the world is beyond awesome. But then again with her, the author captures the perfect picture of how often kids from so called "good” families turn out, since she didn’t had a “legit” reason to run away, other than for craps and giggles. The ending for her story is epic as well. She dumped Tar, because she doesn’t trust him staying off of drugs. Wow. That dumb broad is the main reason that the sissy boy is on drugs in the first place. Way to be a female dog here.
Despite the story itself being about two selfish dorks who end up as degenerates, the technical aspects of the book are done superbly. It is written very well, some chapters are very memorable(like the “Lily” chapter, give that a read, it’s the other great part after the adventures of the anarcho-vegan squad), and it is done really well in general.
However, I think that the style of writing itself, and not the crappy story was the main factor of the books success. That, and the word of mouth. In my teen years, you can hear a lot of teens yapping how great the book is, and how it changed their life and outlook on things. This actually reeled me in too.

The story itself sucks, the technical aspect of the book does not. There are better cautionary tales out there, would’ve been better is Tar was made into a squeaky clean A-grade student from a perfect and loving family who rolls downhill faster than the speed of light.

In short it’s mediocre and suited for 14 year old girls listening to "girls just wanna have fun", which sucks. 5/10

____________
Lithuanian folklore:
The Good and the Evil grab a few beers and go to watch how the neighbor's house is burning down.
* * *
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior

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Trogdor
Trogdor


Legendary Hero
Depository of Wisdom
posted December 24, 2017 03:54 PM

Quote:
I will not however tackle the Halfwit Boy Wizard and his adventures, since the author may have an autistic screeching session while she “counters” all the wrongs pointed out in her “pottermore” site with even more ridiculous plot devices and faulty logic, and of course the ever  lasting “but it’s a duuuuh, magic duuuuuuuh” argument, as well as a D-day scale SJW invasion into my own personal interwebz spce, I’ll leave it alone, for the Angry Video Game Polak(when he’ll do his Harry Potter video games episode eventually) to finish it. Let him deal with that crap.


On behalf of my fellow Autistic folks....



STOP STEALING OUR SCREECHES!
____________
Have you heard the word of the great Lord Plagueis?

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Kipshasz
Kipshasz


Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
posted December 28, 2017 09:56 AM

Your fight is in vain Troggy. Those screeches will be loud until the 2025, when Trump will leave the office.


Anyways, let's pick another book. Or two.
One about ancient civilisations and the rediscovery of them. Oh wait, it gets much more interesting. NOT.

Atlantis Found by Clive Cussler.

Probably one of my last purchases of the now defunct Lithuanian publisher "Eridanas", who specialised in fantasy and sci-fi. It brought translations of Stephen King's Horror story series set in Maine(for the most part), first Lithuanian edition of "The Witcher", "American Gods", "Shogun" and a lot of other gems of the genre (except for the "Shogun", since it's pretty much based on historic events). In the early 90s it was a big hit, and there even was a gameshow where the prizes included the books published by the company.
The main series of this publisher was called "World's Golden Foundation of Fantasy"(Loosely translated here), which had a fair share of gems in itself (Black Company books, Michael Moorcock, G.R.R. Martin's early work, and a few others), but it also had it's fair share of stinkers, esspecially in the end, when they pretty much published what I can only describe as hardcore porno in a fantasy setting. A really sad way to go.

Again, the review is heavy on spoilers, so read at your own risk.

To be fair, I had really high expectations for this book, the name alone hooked me onto it. Atlantis, Lemuria, Mu and all the other lost cities or continents are a great premise for a great story, if done right(which I've yet to find)
The premise is simple - Long ago comet impacting earth wipes out an advanced civilisation, and it threatens to do so again. Or so it seems.
So naturally, it goes rather Indiana Jonesy for a bit, you find ancient artefacts (perfectly sculpted obsidian skulls), scientists get missing, there's a sort of conspiracy going or whatever. The heroes find some remnants of the wiped out civilisation, and it turns out that the prophecy left by that civilisation is false, as the new comet will miss the earht. Crisis averted yay! or is it?
A massive ecological catasrophy will happen however,in the form of some tinkering with the antarctic ice shelves. Who will do the tinkering? Neo-Nazis of course! Or remnants of the Nazi Escapees, who will bring forth the fourth reich which will last a thousand and one year! And they've built several modern "Noah's Ark" type of ship off the coast of South America to safeguard their uberuntermensch clique of dinguses and "repopulate and recreate the earthen civilisation in the image of nazism". You know, classic failed painter drunken vegan ravings fueled by opiates.
Then a team of Navy Seals is dispatched to deal with them in their secret antarctic base, and at this point I stopped reading.
Actually first time that this had happened to me. I at least used to finish a book. Not this one.
It could've been a great thriller, but it suffers from way too much "F yeah 'murica" type of cheese. Case and Point, it sucks.

I now have another book about the fictionalised rediscovery of Atlantis, this time written by an underwater archeology expert. Will see how that turns out. So far the premise is the same - an Indiana Jones knockoff.


The next pile of steaming excrement I want to talk about is a tale about egypt and ancient aliens.

Khai of Ancient Khem by Brian Lumley, who is more famous for his Chtulhu Mythos stories.

This is one of those pornos I've talked earlier. The plot is very simple - one dingus stands up to a ruthless pharaoh, who is a descendent of an ancient alien visitors.
It also includes some time travel via sending one's soul to the future, and some other crap, like the Sachara origin story, but those things are trivial, because epicly gratuitous and explicit sex scenes take the main stage. Seems like the author also writes scripts for the adult entertainment industry or something. Not even Game of Thrones is that lewd, and we know how much nudity and sex that has in it.
Again, could've been a good story, but it's ruined, and only meant for blue balled neckbeards.
I reccomend this to Bboy, he seems to love garbage like that.



____________
Lithuanian folklore:
The Good and the Evil grab a few beers and go to watch how the neighbor's house is burning down.
* * *
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior

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Trogdor
Trogdor


Legendary Hero
Depository of Wisdom
posted December 28, 2017 02:10 PM

Kipshasz said:
Your fight is in vain Troggy. Those screeches will be loud until the 2025, when Trump will leave the office.



Unless of course he gets voted out during the next election or he somehow gets impeached. The former will more likely happen.
____________
Have you heard the word of the great Lord Plagueis?

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Kipshasz
Kipshasz


Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
posted December 28, 2017 03:31 PM

Wrong. The tax cuts he proposed and which got passed, pretty much guaranteed him a re-election.
____________
Lithuanian folklore:
The Good and the Evil grab a few beers and go to watch how the neighbor's house is burning down.
* * *
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior

 Send Instant Message | Send E-Mail | View Profile | PP | Quote Reply | Link
Trogdor
Trogdor


Legendary Hero
Depository of Wisdom
posted December 29, 2017 02:14 PM

Someone's WAY too optimistic about the whole Trump thing......
____________
Have you heard the word of the great Lord Plagueis?

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Salamandre
Salamandre


Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Wog refugee
posted December 29, 2017 02:19 PM

I would say more people were way too optimistic about Hillary, we saw the outcome.  

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Trogdor
Trogdor


Legendary Hero
Depository of Wisdom
posted December 29, 2017 02:48 PM

Salamandre said:
I would say more people were way too optimistic about Hillary, we saw the outcome.  


I wasn't optimistic about either of them.
____________
Have you heard the word of the great Lord Plagueis?

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