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tSar-Ivor
Promising
Legendary Hero
Scourge of God
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posted April 26, 2018 11:25 AM |
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Bravery
All my life I've been plagued by countless fears, from those that I deemed irrational to those that I deemed probable outcomes to my actions. I would do risk assessment with almost everything that I undertook, this led to indecisiveness, never knowing whether it was worth it. The only way I could function was to let go and do anything as it came to me, I would lie one second tell the truth the next, I created a storm around myself so I would never have to expose my core to anything, so I would not need to face myself, my true fears.
The final months of uni, the agony and pain I went through to finally be able to look myself in the mirror, to finally accept myself and not only succeed, but excel, when before I was certain that there was no hope, no chance. Retreat and salvage what little I had, or to go on to certain defeat and humiliation, and that's disregarding all the calamities that came along one by one, one joke to the next as if someone was mocking me. However, in my darkest hour I awoke, my fears became my weapon, my curiosity was reborn and I felt more alive in those months of utter turmoil and chaos than I ever had in all my life. It was literally a battle, with everything on the line. I threw my weapons away and like a child sobbed and refused to fight, to be myself. As darkness crept in, and the noose slowly tightening around me, my only companion remained ever patient, as if waiting for what was to come. And like a phoenix I rose from the ashes, I leaned on every resource I had available, where before my mind was chaos now it was calm, nothing worried me, and the first for more drove me.
At the end there was no sigh of delight or happiness, I remained the same, like Samson I found the battlefield littered with the corpses of my enemies as if it was a given rather than some great achievement.
Now after having sealed myself away again for all these months, the questions I waylaid all my life are finally creeping out again. I always knew the talk, but I never truly knew how to walk them, how to be brave, I certainly knew how to be foolhardy and that got me through most of it.
I've come to realize as I was perfecting my risk assessments through more information, more knowledge and practical experience, all my contemplation of possible outcomes for my actions were for naught in reality. My fears merely got more profound the more I gathered, and the more information I had the less confident I felt. Now I've finally realized at long last.
Bravery is when inspite of the mire of possible negative outcomes you still decide to take that step forward, tugged down. But not tugged down, at uni when I finally accepted myself I excelled, I do not merely want to trudge along my road, I want to brazenly walk it, upright (the idea that being brave means hardship/ is also part of my own fears). I felt in the darkest time at uni the same precision and confidence with which a surgeon operates with, complete trust in himself and his skills, calm precision and knowing that no matter what complication comes his way, he is up to it. I guess I need to trust myself to follow this road, to no matter what end.
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"No laughs were had. There is only shame and sadness." Jenny
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Elvin
Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Endless Revival
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posted April 26, 2018 04:28 PM |
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There is no easy way to face your fears and risks are inevitable along the way. I was a very insecure person in my teen years and emotionally unstable. I knew what I wanted to do but actually going for it was hard. I struggled to improve, little by little until I, let's say, found myself.
I do not know if any of this will be applicable to you but what helped me was 1) I started looking more at the end goal than the risks. Facing obstacles as challenges made my mindset increasingly positive and resolute. 2) I developed a few solid friendships and reforged older ones which did wonders for my stability. During my first year at uni I had frequent mood swings which came out of nowhere and that was new to me. With my stability restored they went away until.. 3) I was unwillingly conscripted to Cyprus, where the mood swings returned, violent and unpredictable. I was fine one moment and completely down 10 minutes later. (I should note that this had less to do with the environment and more to do with the really messed up circumstances at the time.) I started getting better by re-evaluating myself and reading 'the power of now' helped me with that. That book offered perspective and a number of questions to work on. Good music also helped. Much needed during those never-ending guard shifts.
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Map also hosted on Moddb
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted April 26, 2018 04:33 PM |
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Lol, I lived in Cyprus too for a brief time. So when exactly were you on guard against me Elvin?  I'm guessing, it's not the 90's, since you are younger, I was in there around 1995-1996.
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Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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