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| Thread: Do You Ever Feel Like You Have Too Many Secrets? | |
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Oddball13579
Supreme Hero
Grandmaster of the Hunt
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posted November 24, 2020 11:23 PM |
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Do You Ever Feel Like You Have Too Many Secrets?
I know I do.
It's like all these secrets I have, all the things I keep hidden from the world and friends and family, have come together to create this mask that I wear constantly. That the person I am isn't even who I really am. Like at the core of my being I don't even know who I am anymore. Just this shell with a mask on that goes through life. The happy-go-lucky guy who is all smiles and laughs, except inside I don't even feel those things.
On my worst day, where I am tearing myself apart mentally and hating every ounce of my body, the mask stays on. Someone interacts with me and I just act normal. Like everything is fine. All smiles and laughter. Like I'm not falling apart inside. They go about their day and move on and the mask slips away and I look like hell. I don't even feel things the majority of the time. Always numb. The one thing I usually feel is annoyance, irritation, or anger, depending on what is causing it. Like everything else beneath the mask has been eroded away and all that remains is anger and hurt and pain.
And on the days where the mask slips off or doesn't fit right and I start to feel things again. I find myself just moving. Constantly in motion. Like I am trying to run away from myself. As if I could ever outrun myself. On those days I ignore everything, even my own health, just to stay in motion. One day I went for a four hour walk in the rain and wind just to distract myself. I would have stayed out all day if I didn't physically turn around and force myself to walk back home. By the time I got home I was frozen and soaked. My hands all red and numb. Skin chilled to the touch. Walking in the cold was better than the alternatives that my mind supplied, so at least I did the least destructive thing.
Anyways, do you guys think a burger is a sandwich?
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"Just slide her down a bit farther. I could wear her like a hat." - Gnomes
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted November 24, 2020 11:49 PM |
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you'll pull through. instead of fighting yourself, fight those who would deny you your happiness. once you've come to peace with yourself, things'll be better. the key, is to have faith in something. to believe in something. as long as you have a direction to go, you can keep going.
me, i'm just chucking along. i've had this world throw almost their worst at me, and i'm still here. i've been through hell and back, and i'm still here. i was raised in hell, lived it all my life, and i'm still here. what keeps you going, is having something to work towards. what keeps you going, is having something to love.
so find something to love. have faith. find a good direction to go, and keep going.
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FirePaladin
Legendary Hero
DoR Modder
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posted November 25, 2020 12:07 AM |
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Do You Ever Feel Like You Have Too Many Secrets?
Plentiful of them. Even just in the HoMM community.
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"Goblins use pistols because a shotgun recoil would kick them off the ground flying."
The Reckoning.... it's drawing near....
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Minion
Legendary Hero
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posted November 25, 2020 12:30 AM |
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Oddball, these secrets, are they about who you are as a person? That way you feel, but can't tell anyone? Or something else?
I tend to do a similar thing, I pretend that things are fine when they are not. I don't like to burden other people with my own emotional baggage. But, you can only hold it in so long... for you, going out in the cold and rain is not a solution, it is a distraction. You NEED to talk to someone. We are social beings. And no it doesn't make everything allright, but it makes it easier. Just open up tp a friend or a family member. Have some beers, wine, it helps (to talk, not to drown your sorrow)
A little mask is ok, but if you hide everything from your close ones you are heading for a rough time. Don't do it. Friends LOVE it when someone trusts them enough to tell them what is going on, even if it is bad. Because when I open up, I might cry and feel bad, but it will get better. It is a release. You need it.
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Blizzardboy
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Nerf Herder
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posted November 25, 2020 12:42 AM |
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Sorry Oddy. I'm just a stranger on the internet, but if you feel the need to hide yourself among friends then it may be best to get new friends, even if it means temporarily feeling lonely.
Living according to other people's preconceptions is just endless misery. You never truly feel at rest and at peace. Find out what you're passionate about and pursue it.
Long walks in the dark can be very refreshing but next time you might want to dress warmer. 
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"Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us."
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Minion
Legendary Hero
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posted November 25, 2020 12:49 AM |
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Edited by Minion at 00:57, 25 Nov 2020.
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Blizzardboy said:
if you feel the need to hide yourself among friends then it may be best to get new friends, even if it means temporarily feeling lonely.
That is so false. I have hidden things from people I love dearly, and who love me, just because I thought it was the best thing to do at the moment.
And I was wrong.
Had I ended my friendships with them just because I myself was unable to be honest with them... that would have been a disaster. A life long friendship ended. And you don't make similar friendships when you are older, not easily at least.
That is just bad advice, sorry
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted November 25, 2020 01:59 AM |
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OhforfSake said:
then I came to realize that there is nothing wrong with not telling someone you care about that your poop secretly looks and smells fantastic.
i love you, ohfor. 
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Blizzardboy
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Nerf Herder
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posted November 25, 2020 02:12 AM |
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Minion said:
That is just bad advice, sorry
Completely depends on his individual situation (which is why I said 'may'), but changing other people is next-to-impossible and if some of the people he hangs out with are toxic to be around, cutting ties may be a great decision.
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"Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us."
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted November 25, 2020 02:20 AM |
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Blizzardboy said:
Minion said:
That is just bad advice, sorry
Completely depends on his individual situation (which is why I said 'may'), but changing other people is next-to-impossible and if some of the people he hangs out with are toxic to be around, cutting ties may be a great decision.
this. i've had to cut ties many, many times in my life(though, not due to secrets), and i always became stronger for it. it might be difficult to get out on your own for many people, but you will eventually find you're stronger than you think.
if oddball doesn't feel comfortable around his friends, then he probably realizes they aren't the kind of people that would accept whatever secrets he hides. he might feel his secrets isolate him from many people; and if such is the case, he would better benefit finding people who had the same secrets he did. there's bound to be more people with the same problems(if they are indeed problems) he has.
just look online, oddy. the world is a diverse place, and you can find every type of person imaginable online. whatever your secrets are, other people have the exact same ones.
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PandaTar
Responsible
Legendary Hero
Celestial Heavens Mascot
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posted November 25, 2020 08:40 AM |
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Oddball13579 said:
On my worst day, where I am tearing myself apart mentally and hating every ounce of my body, the mask stays on. Someone interacts with me and I just act normal. Like everything is fine. All smiles and laughter. Like I'm not falling apart inside. They go about their day and move on and the mask slips away and I look like hell. I don't even feel things the majority of the time. Always numb.
I can relate to that. The problem with shutting down everything outside is that it becomes pretty evident you are doing so, especially people who know you and mind you they may wear a mask to pretend not to notice. And then it might be you start to worry others with that, because regardless they identifying you are wearing a mask, they might not know for which purpose and it pains them you opt not to let them help.
For almost 2 years now I started my psychotherapy. One thing that's hard to me is placing my welfare above others I can help and feel ok about that. One sign that we in fact can help others is first by taking care of ourselves, and respecting ourselves too. Still, knowing that and doing that naturally is difficult to me yet. One thing that I suggest, if you didn't do that already, is seeking professional help. 'Professional' help provides results only if you really want it and works for it. I tried to deal alone, even found out some notches that triggered some of my conflicts, but I didn't find the sources properly. And the therapy is helping me pinpointing these things slowly, addressing them and fighting them. But it only works if you want to. No medication or professional will miracle you into some sort of ideal self.
As Minion said, we are not meant to be solo. At some point, we are the result of socializing, learning, experiences, information. There's no need to pretend things are nice when they are not and vice-versa. Although we are a bunch of strangers here, maybe a tad acquaintances, sometimes we can help others a bit. But we'll never know if we have no other means to find out or one lets it clear they have something in their mind. Communication only by writting is very limited, so we learn very little about others and we end up having much more conflicts and misunderstanding than what would be in the case of face-to-face communication.
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"Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster."
GlaDOS – Portal 2
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Drakon-Deus
Undefeatable Hero
Qapla'
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posted November 25, 2020 11:46 AM |
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fred79 said:
you'll pull through. instead of fighting yourself, fight those who would deny you your happiness. once you've come to peace with yourself, things'll be better. the key, is to have faith in something. to believe in something. as long as you have a direction to go, you can keep going.
me, i'm just chucking along. i've had this world throw almost their worst at me, and i'm still here. i've been through hell and back, and i'm still here. i was raised in hell, lived it all my life, and i'm still here. what keeps you going, is having something to work towards. what keeps you going, is having something to love.
so find something to love. have faith. find a good direction to go, and keep going.
+1 
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Horses don't die on a dog's wish.
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Oddball13579
Supreme Hero
Grandmaster of the Hunt
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posted November 26, 2020 03:42 AM |
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fred79 said:
you'll pull through. instead of fighting yourself, fight those who would deny you your happiness. once you've come to peace with yourself, things'll be better. the key, is to have faith in something. to believe in something. as long as you have a direction to go, you can keep going.
me, i'm just chucking along. i've had this world throw almost their worst at me, and i'm still here. i've been through hell and back, and i'm still here. i was raised in hell, lived it all my life, and i'm still here. what keeps you going, is having something to work towards. what keeps you going, is having something to love.
so find something to love. have faith. find a good direction to go, and keep going.
Very inspiring Fred, thank you.
Minion said:
Oddball, these secrets, are they about who you are as a person? That way you feel, but can't tell anyone? Or something else?
A bit of both if I am being honest.
Blizzardboy said:
Sorry Oddy. I'm just a stranger on the internet, but if you feel the need to hide yourself among friends then it may be best to get new friends, even if it means temporarily feeling lonely
I use the term friend loosely. I can't even really consider them friends at this point.
fred79 said:
if oddball doesn't feel comfortable around his friends, then he probably realizes they aren't the kind of people that would accept whatever secrets he hides. he might feel his secrets isolate him from many people
Change the word friend to family and you pretty much got it spot on.
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"Just slide her down a bit farther. I could wear her like a hat." - Gnomes
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