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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: I was full of angst until I realized how darn attractive I am
Thread: I was full of angst until I realized how darn attractive I am This thread is 2 pages long: 1 2 · NEXT»
bort
bort


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
posted July 05, 2002 07:56 PM bonus applied.

I was full of angst until I realized how darn attractive I am

I was fifteen and my life was devoid of all meaning.  I had long since passed beyond the halcyon days of my youth when I believed the world was a happy place and I could achieve anything I wanted if I just put my mind to it.  I had wanted to be a dog when I grew up, possibly a dachsund.  Then, when I was 12, came the moment of truth, when I realized that it was physically impossible for me to make my dream a reality.  I was crushed.  Everything that once was true was now a lie.  The songs of birds, once inspiring now mocked me as only a creature with a brain the size of a pea acting entirely on instinct can.  I had also hit puberty, which can really ruin anyones day.  Nobody understood my particular problems and nobody had ever gone through what I was going through.  I was alone.  I bought some really nifty boots at the army surplus store.  They conveyed to others the eternal torment I was going through.  Plus they were waterproof.
I began writing poetry, including my masterpiece :

"My melancholy has consumed my angst-ridden depression."

Darkness!  All around me!
Darkness!  Makes me sad!
Darkness!  Consumes my life!
Darkness!  It is bad!
Suffering!  My cross to bear!
Suffering!  I'm all alone!
Suffering!  Shunned by the Amish!
Suffering!  I let out a moan!

And so I lived in a neverending limbo for an eternity, continually revising my 56 page suicide note so as to achieve the perfect blend of satanic allusions while carefully implying that if my family had loved me more this would never have happened.

Then strange things began happening to me.  I'd be walking along the pedestrian mall, and rather than the mocking glares I was accustomed to, wealthy middle aged housewives would come up to me and tell me that they needed some work done around the house and wouldn't I come by because they'd make it oh so worth my while.  Attractive members of the student council would shyly come up to me and tell me that they liked my boots before giggling and saying they needed to get to class.  They would turn back and wave as they skipped off to learn about the wonderful world of Melville.  When I would threaten the cheerleaders with my dark magickkkk, they would say, "okay, pick me up at 8." and then come crying to me the next day asking why I had stood them up.  Of course, this only caused me to be even more confused and angry with the world.  Then came the fateful day...

I had just gotten out of the shower and was about to begin applying my white foundation.  I looked in the mirror and saw the most radiant face staring back at me...  Damn, I thought, I certainly am a good looking fellow.  The years of wearing a full black trenchcoat in the middle of summer had protected my skin from the harsh damages that the sun can cause.  My foundation, in addition to allowing me to look vaguely consumptive had also turned out to contain moisturizers, leaving my skin healthy and supple.  The mascara I had been using had conditioned my lashes, as well as giving them much needed vitamins and nutrients.  Years spend in the dark had given me a slight squint, which was interpreted by others as a mixture of learned comtemplation and bedroom eyes.  The cloves that I had been smoking had given me a husky, manly voice that made women swoon.  Truly, I was a gift to the women of this world.  I stopped ironing and dying my hair, allowing by glorious blond curls to emerge once more.  My black trenchcoat was traded in for a tight black t-shirt which showed of the subtle ripple of muscles and my firm, manly pecs.  No longer angst-ridden, I walk proudly, with my head held high, knowing that as I pass, women are thinking "my, what an attractive man" and men are overcome with jealousy, not knowing how to deal with the epitome of male beauty that I am.

And that, my friends is how I overcame my depression.  By becoming attractive beyond the wildest dreams of man.

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DarkManiac
DarkManiac


Known Hero
of Hell
posted July 05, 2002 08:02 PM

People! Look at a man who is in love with himself.
____________
A villain's gotta do what a villain's gotta do.

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celfious
celfious


Promising
Legendary Hero
From earth
posted July 05, 2002 08:05 PM

So a bort is a well complected man?

Hey, congrat's bort.. Sad people dont talk trash to get up there. I expect good thing's from you.

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DarkManiac
DarkManiac


Known Hero
of Hell
posted July 05, 2002 08:07 PM

Bort don't become another Wesley, please.
____________
A villain's gotta do what a villain's gotta do.

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Valeriy
Valeriy

Mage of the Land
Naughty, Naughty Valeriy
posted July 05, 2002 10:33 PM

Hey man, I hear ya. My way of going about girls was assuming that I am unattractive for some reason. Never could quite figure why. And I'd just act as someone unattractive.

I covered it up by thinking that girls are stupid and they wouldn't understand me. And I'm better than them too, lol

Now I get that I just made up that I'm unattractive. And ladies have been going other way than mine because of some stupid things I was doing like acting lowly. Lowly looking guys acting lowly is fine. But a good looking guy acting lowly... no wonder. Then I figured that people percieve me by how I act. So I act like someone worthy and attractive and available.

Then there's the way I talked that pushed the ladies away bigtime. That's in my other poll post.
____________
You can wait for others to do it, but if they don't know how, you'll wait forever.
Be an example of what you want to see on HC and in the world.
http://www.heroesofmightandmagic.com

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bort
bort


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
posted July 06, 2002 03:12 AM

okay... I'm not sure if my sarcasm detector is broken or if you are just trying to play the straight man in a two man stand up act, Mr. Maniac, but for the record, my original post up there is a work of fiction.  I do not have blond, curly hair, I never wrote poetry and very few events described actually happened.  To be specific:
1.  a middle aged woman did proposition me more or less as described
2.  I did buy boots from an army surplus store.  They were waterproof

On another note - Val, I too have driven women away based on an overinflated sense of my ugliness.  I now know that, although I'm not the kind of person that causes people to do a double take and I'm nothing to write home about, I'm not actually ugly and if people's tastes run towards my particular look, I might actually be considered vaguely attractive.  If only I had known that all the girls I knew as a young lad were as insecure as I was...

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Shadow_phoenix
Shadow_phoenix


Known Hero
Shadow Ruler
posted July 07, 2002 12:12 AM

Wihtout the army boots part and the part of feeling atractive, you just told the story of my life.

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bort
bort


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
posted July 28, 2003 04:52 PM

After re-reading this post, what can I say?  My literary talents are truly supreme.
____________
Drive by posting.

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Cat
Cat


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
posted July 28, 2003 09:14 PM

I feel terrible.  I only want you for your mind.  Can you ever forgive me?
____________
Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag

http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php

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bort
bort


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
posted July 28, 2003 09:18 PM

Quote:
I feel terrible.  I only want you for your mind.  Can you ever forgive me?


Short answer : No.

Long answer : Well, how do we define forgiveness?  Webster's describes it as the noun form of forgive?  How do we define forgive?  Well, Roget's describes it as the verb form of forgiveness.  In order to forgive, we must understand.  In order to understand, we must have cognitive abilities.  I have cognitive abilities.  However, cognitive abilities are merely a prerequisite for understanding, they do not necessitate or compel understanding in and of themselves.  So to achieve true understanding, we must have more traits than just cognitive abilities.  So in conclusion, stay away from my booze and you're not forgiven.


____________
Drive by posting.

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Cat
Cat


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
posted July 28, 2003 09:26 PM

*hides empty vodka bottle*

*hic*  Errr.... best of three?  You'd better be nicer to me or I'll send you back to Boston!!!
____________
Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag

http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php

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bort
bort


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
posted July 30, 2003 03:35 PM

Quote:
*hides empty vodka bottle*



Fool, I don't care what you do with the empty bottles.  It's the ones that have booze in them that I care about.
____________
Drive by posting.

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Dingo
Dingo


Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
posted December 07, 2003 12:52 AM

I wish I have WaterProof shoes.  Imagine the Possibilites!
____________
The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.

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Asmodean
Asmodean


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
posted May 14, 2004 03:02 PM
Edited By: Asmodean on 14 May 2004

Revived.
I think borts stories are hilarious.
He should collect them all into a big thread called 'Storytime with bort'.
____________

To err is human, to arr is pirate.

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LichKing
LichKing


Honorable
Known Hero
posted August 25, 2004 01:53 AM

Agreed

Bort's brilliant, no two ways about it!

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Dragon_Slayer
Dragon_Slayer


Honorable
Supreme Hero
toss toss toss
posted August 25, 2004 11:23 AM

Thats actually a good idea. All of Borts best in one thread! We can even make it a sticky!
____________

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pandora
pandora


Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
posted August 25, 2004 06:46 PM

Seemed the only thing missing from this Bort Love-Fest was a shiny red star - so I was happy to fill the void

As for compiling all his posts into one sticky, that's quite the undertaking  and in doing so we'd miss out on the replies which are half the fun anyways.

Someone ambitious could make a new table of contents tho and link all his threads there in a "Bort Section" if they like, and I'd be happy to sticky that!
____________
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

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bort
bort


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
posted August 25, 2004 08:52 PM

Y'all are making me blush.  Thanks for the kind words.
____________
Drive by posting.

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TitaniumAlloy
TitaniumAlloy


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
posted August 26, 2004 10:18 AM
Edited By: Asmodean on 26 Aug 2004

bort, crazy b*tch is the word

not for you, though

youre cool

Edit by Asmodean to take away the big blank space: excessive scrolling for no reason is SPAM!

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violent_flower
violent_flower


Promising
Supreme Hero
Almost there.
posted March 14, 2007 02:48 AM

Love this thread, enough said...

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