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| Thread: It only happens in the U.S.A (satire) | |
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Conn
Responsible
Famous Hero
God slayer
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posted July 18, 2002 08:24 PM |
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Edited By: Conn on 18 Jul 2002
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It only happens in the U.S.A (satire)
In a surprise decision, the U.S Supreme Court today ruled that the corporate earnings should be protected as works of art, as they “create something out of nothing”.
“One plus one is two. That is math. That is science. But, as we have seen, earnings and revenues are abstract and original concepts, ideas not bound by physical constraints or coarse realities, and must therefore, be considered art,” the Court wrote in it’s 7-2 decision.
The impact of the ruling was widespread. Investigations into hundreds of firms were cancelled, and collectors began snatching up original balance sheets, audits and P&L statements from WorldCom, Enron and Global Crossing. Meanwhile, auditing firms such as Arthur Andersen (now Art by Andersen) were reclassified as art critics, whose opinions are no longer liable.
“Before we had to go in and decide ‘Is it right, or is it wrong?’” said KPMG spokesman, Dan Fischer. “Now we must only decide ‘Is it art?’”
In Congress, all further hearings into irregularities were abandoned in favour of an abstract accounting lecture, given by Scott Sullivan, former Chief Financial Artist of WorldCom, which had been charged with fraud for improperly accounting for 3.85$ billion.
“Art should reflect life, so what I was really trying to accomplish with this third quarter result was acknowledge that life is an illusion” said Sullivan, explaining his acclaimed work, “10Q for the period 9/30/01”
U.S Rep. Billy Tauzin of Louisiana, however, was forced to apologize, admitting he could only see a lie.
“Yes, well, a man with a concretised view of the world may only see numbers that ’ Don’t add up’” said a haughty Sullivan. “But someone whose perceptions are not always chained to reality- a stock analyst, let’s say- may see numbers that, like the human spirit, aspire to be greater than they are.”
Several Sullivan pieces are now part of a new show at New York’s Museum of Modern Art, entitled “ Shadow&Spreadshets: The origins of Pro-Formalism”
Robert Weidlin, a SEC investigator and avid collector, was among the first to peruse the Enron exhibit, which takes up an entire wing of the museum. “You look at this works, and you say ‘Is this a profit, or is this a loss? S this firm a subsidiary, or is it a holding company?’” said Weidlin. “I have stood in front of this one balance sheet for hours, and each moment I come away with something different.
Like other patrons, Weidlin said he didn’t know whether to be impressed or outraged, a reaction that pleased Andrew Fastlow, the former Enron CFA, who is a leading proponent of the Trompe L’Shareholder style.
“An artist should not be afraid to be shocking” said Fastlow. “As did the Modernists, we should fearlessly depart from tradition and embrace the use of innovative forms of expression. Like, say, ‘Special Purpose Entities’ and ‘Pooling of Interests’”
Sullivan, meanwhile, said he was influenced by the Flemish Masters, particularly Lernout&Hauspie, the Belgian speech recognition software company that collapsed last year, after an audit had discovered the firm had cooked its books in 1998, 1999 and 2000.
“Lernout&Hauspie simply invented sales figures, just willed them out of thin air and onto paper” he said. “Me? I must live with a spreadsheet a long time before I begin to work on it. You must be patient and wait for the numbers to reveal themselves to you.”
And what about the reaction to his work? “ I realize people are angry, people are hurt. But I cannot concern myself with that,” he said. “ As with all true artists, I don’t expect to be understood during my life time”.
( The Museum of Modern Art exhibit runs through Sept. 3rd. Admission is 8$, excluding a one time write down of deferred stock compensation and other costs associated with the carrying value of inventory.)
Edit:
OOOOOPS! Soory...As DonGio pointed out, i didn't make that myself...It's taken from a magazine edited in Romania by a brit, for the foreign citizens living and working here..It's called "Expat Life". Though i don't know who the author is, since it isn't signed...
PS: I didn't intend to not add that part, but i copied it from word, and just forgot..silly me..
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 Whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger
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DonGio
Promising
Famous Hero
of Clear Water Mountain Clan
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posted July 18, 2002 09:13 PM |
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Good one. Bet you didn't come up with that yourself, though. Not nice to leave out your sources. You weren't thinking of claiming *this* work of art as your own, were you?
Art well
DonGio
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There are 10 types of people: Those who read binary, and those who don't.
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Conn
Responsible
Famous Hero
God slayer
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posted July 18, 2002 10:20 PM |
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Part 2- the phrase "Under God" is not constitutional
A U.S Federal appeals court ruled on Wednesday that reciting the Pledge of Allegience in public schools is uncontitutional because it contains "Under God", a decision blasted by the Democrats, epublicans and brand managers, who say that the United States is making a grave mistake in dropping its principal sponsor.
"Over the years, the U.S under God has been a great draw for the major players- Einstein, Solzhenistyn, John Lennon", said government marketing analyst Gil Treacle.
"Without God's brand, recognition and infinte marketing powers, you risk looding the marquee names to competitors. Then thwe network don't renew, the money dries up, the fans revolt, and the next thing you know, you're Argentina"
The U.S justice Department, assigned the difficult task of finding a replacement, said it had already been in contact with several entities ( One nation, but 24.000 Starbucks) interested in having their brand associated with America. Until an agreement is reached, however, the U.S will advertise by replacing the phrase "One nation, under God" with "One nation(sponsorship opportunities available)"
While the words "under God" were added to the pledge by Congress in 1954, God has been the title patron of the United States since it's founding in 1776, and the God name adorns everything, from U.S currency to the phrase "So help me God" used to swear the President. The three-judge panel who voted to sever that 226-year relationship has come under heavy fire, but many have defended the decision, saying it was wrong to force religion on anyone.
"The phrase 'under God' clearly violates the FIrst Amendment's separation of church and state," said McDonald's CEO, Jack Greenberg. "However, there is nothing in the Constitution that separates chicken and State, which is why we're proposing 'One nation, six chicken McnNuggets and amedium Coke, all for $1.99".
A hadfull of americans, however, insisted the U.S can get along fine without a primary sponsor. Their suggestion that the phras be regularly updated to reflect the national condition, however, has so far attractedlitle interest, as a CNN/Gallup poll found that only 10% of respondents would feel comfortable reciting "One nation, under indictment"
God, in various forms, curently supports most nations, with the exception of officialy atheist China and Vietnam, and the Netherlands, which hasn't been told yet, but is in for a nasty shock tommorow.
(Note: the source is the same as the previous story)
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Whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger
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TheJester
Adventuring Hero
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posted July 18, 2002 11:21 PM |
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I would be offended, but in reality I'm not. I know its true, and I can't simply deny any of it. Can I do anything to stop it, NO. The downfall of America is its idiocy, and no one can do a thing about it.
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Conn
Responsible
Famous Hero
God slayer
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posted July 18, 2002 11:24 PM |
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Well, i didn't write this to offend anyone... And i will come back with a story about romania...same type...
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Whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger
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TheJester
Adventuring Hero
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posted July 19, 2002 12:19 AM |
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Offended?? Heck no
Don't worry about it, its true anyway.
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 19, 2002 01:25 AM |
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I, sir am OUTRAGED. OUTRAGED. That's slander, libel, and causing mental anguish and I have witnesses! Oh I have witnesses! As a member of the nation with the highest per capita level of lawyers in the world (3.4 lawyers per human!) I can tell you that I am bringing a class action suit against you on behalf of all the good people of America and the lesser people of the Republic of Texas that you have offended. (Just be sure not to edit/delete your post before the trial because gee, then we'd have no case at all.)
Be fair though, things like that don't happen *only* in America.
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Conn
Responsible
Famous Hero
God slayer
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posted July 19, 2002 01:30 AM |
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Lol, ok i promise not to edit/delete my posts anymore...(yeah, right!  )
True, but i just copied the story...and i will be coming back with a story on the "rich" class in romania...same style...
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Whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger
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TheJester
Adventuring Hero
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posted July 19, 2002 04:44 AM |
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bort, Conn
bort, I'm just as american as you are, but you know it's true. Where else can you sue for the stupidiest or most absurd of things??
: Dear McDonalds, um, I just bought a cup of your, um, coffee, and I was kinda in a rush so I put the cup in my lap. Turns out, I suddenly slam on the brakes, and um, the coffee spilled all over my pants. Let me tell you, that coffee sure was hot, and it caused severe burns all over my um, crotch. I am suing because you didn't warn me that your coffee was so fricking hot :
said guy ended up with a pretty fat check from the franchise.
And Conn, just throw in a Vodka Wars story, so bort would drop the lawsuit, kay?
P.S. Didn't mean to offend anyone with the Vodka Wars thing, and sorry if I did
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted July 19, 2002 04:48 AM |
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Jester If I had thy right to swear I would .
Basically you calling me stupid I see even if not directed at us.
Not our fault our gove so messed up on schools & you know how much school cost in thy united States.
What you are saying is Americans are dumb but why.
I know whats going on & you would be really surprised what people have to go through here where money is more important then anythang.
It's ok Jester because only a spoiled big headed personlike you can talk all big just because you learned 3-8 dif languages at school, damn dont you wish I could.
You would be surprised how much school cost.
You started this thread Connprobally knowing it will start a flame knowing I am American all my life.
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Dreaming of a Better World
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TheJester
Adventuring Hero
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posted July 19, 2002 05:05 AM |
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Sorry Aculias
I live in America too, in Minnesota, but that language joke, was a joke, not to be taken seriously. I found that joke in a book, which was also printed in the USA. I was trying to make the fact that the reality is there are plenty of ignorant "boneheads" living here, too many by my count, and they all want something for nothing. All humans have greed, and take advantage of the great Democracy that America stands for by trying to get their way all the time.
I'm geniunly sorry if I offended you (a fellow American) and I will retract my joke as a small token of amends.
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted July 19, 2002 05:08 AM |
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NP mostly on zone & every where I get slamed with USA about such issues especiaslly from like Russia but then again Who put food in thier mouths & help end communism they should be kissing our butts then everyone of them that play here slamming me & USA down because we cant affor thy education like they can.
Sorry if anyone is offended I am just tired of people slamming me & USA almost everyday on Zone etc.
Dont worry about it Jester all good
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Dreaming of a Better World
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The_Gootch
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
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posted July 19, 2002 02:52 PM |
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Aculias, you say you get smacked around by the Russians about the U.S.?
Tell those Russians that when they stop taking billions in aid from us every year and are able to stand on their own two feet, you'll lend them an ear.
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted July 20, 2002 06:39 AM |
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I was wrong to flame like that I was not in a good mood from losing a friendship but we also should be kissing thier butts too even though lots of casualties that bastage Joe Stalin but if not for Russia US probally be speaking German.
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Dreaming of a Better World
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TheJester
Adventuring Hero
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posted July 20, 2002 07:27 AM |
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I don't know about that one. It was not Stalins "fault" that Germany invaded Russia, but Hilter's [incredible] blunder that he tried to take over Russia. USA ahd nukes, and Japan surrendered with their tail between their legs, and there were some left with Hitlers name on it. The war would have lasted much longer, but since we are debating events that didn't happen, it would be hard to say who the "victor" would be.
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted July 20, 2002 07:43 AM |
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Exactly but I am not blaming Stalin on Germany envading them but thy countless lossed of Russian citizen & troops.
Lets face it Joey was a paranoid bastage.
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Dreaming of a Better World
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