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Dread_Knight
Known Hero
Converting Vegetarians
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posted June 25, 2003 12:42 PM |
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Funny stories...
I found a notebook of funny stories and i wanted to share them.
A Mime in a Zoo
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Air force one and the farmer
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's actor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting of his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Yep, he kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is!"
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2Xtremetotake
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted June 25, 2003 03:49 PM |
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LMAO @ THE LAST ONE
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Dread_Knight
Known Hero
Converting Vegetarians
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posted June 25, 2003 03:56 PM |
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted June 25, 2003 04:14 PM |
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I've seen the first one a long time ago. The second one is great though  .
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Yolk and God bless.
---
My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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Dread_Knight
Known Hero
Converting Vegetarians
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posted June 25, 2003 05:21 PM |
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Cannibal Fruit
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
$200 Bucks It Is...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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Fire_Dragon
Adventuring Hero
King of Dragons
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posted June 27, 2003 12:26 PM |
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Hey, your stories really made me laugh!
Hope to see some more.
Oh, and what was that laughing code again?
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The King of Dragons emerge from its lair to seek vengence upon its throne of Fire.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted June 27, 2003 02:00 PM |
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I can only see two of the pictures  .
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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Fire_Dragon
Adventuring Hero
King of Dragons
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posted June 28, 2003 12:32 PM |
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20 funny stories for all to read and laugh.
1)Days of HELL.
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine
coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If
you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go
Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of
a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.
2)Adventurous dining.
A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.
After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he
is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite
delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings
out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
3)A Lawyer's Question
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know
the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his
parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said
with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
4)A Medical Problem
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson,
but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I
do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the
problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
5)America vs. Russia
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going
to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best
fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to
lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the
milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its
cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone
felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian
dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian
dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached
out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened.
We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest,
meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
6)Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime,
getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
7)Q: Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Anderson Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting,
in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation
processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge
capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a
Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens
along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in
order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in
order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value
framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and
creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and
unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
8)An Escaped Convict
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had
a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just
go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a
really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
9)A Religious Hunter
A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came
upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep
incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.
The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As
he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg.
Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday
morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my
life."
The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens
quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."
10)The king's daughter
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess
touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were
afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his
wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will
be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that
would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince
brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The
second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But
alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the
princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She
held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the
third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)
11)The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three
months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
12)An Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the
wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies,
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up
here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here
or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
13)A Son's Bad Dream
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
14)The bomb and the pilot
3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out
the window. The second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw it out the window. The third one
asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they landed they
met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied, "Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle. They met a
woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he
replied, "Because I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.
15)Male stripper
The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled
out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other
butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the
bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was
short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the
guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the
marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went
home. . .
16)The motorcylist
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine
on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through
a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into
the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio
door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. After the ambulance arrived and transported the
husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the
wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and
was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his
motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the
cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud
explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had
been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the
phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the
street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the
paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining
steps and broke his arm.
17)Electricity
Today's question: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet,
then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently
and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others
unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.
It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are
very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your
bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet
and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT:
If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would
explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did
not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first
Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved
that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started
speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
running the post office.
After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt,
Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments.
Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an
electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead
anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons
can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the
pond. However, water is a great conductor of electricity and the frog is immediately electrocuted.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little
formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be
found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest
achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple
electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back
through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get
caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was
generated was 1937.
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity.
For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a
bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball,
provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."
18)The chili taster
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas: "Recently I was honored to be selected
as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
about the same as usual, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some
point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
19)The old man and the parrot
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The
boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes,
actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
20)
Dorm Rules
On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will
be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will
be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
incur a hefty fine of $180.
ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?".
To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A SEASON PASS?"
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The King of Dragons emerge from its lair to seek vengence upon its throne of Fire.
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Dread_Knight
Known Hero
Converting Vegetarians
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posted June 29, 2003 07:38 PM |
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Vadskye91
Promising
Supreme Hero
Back again
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posted June 20, 2004 08:29 PM |
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LOL!
-Revived.
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Knowledge is power...
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Asmodean
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
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posted June 20, 2004 09:03 PM |
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Good thread to revive 
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.
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