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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Irish people.
Thread: Irish people.
Asmodean
Asmodean


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
posted February 03, 2004 02:07 AM

Irish people.

Nobody laughs as hard at Irish Jokes as Irish people themselves. Here are some of my favorites.


One liners

Two ladies on a bus and one said: 'And do you know he put his hand right up my skirt.'

And the other replied: 'Not the green one with the floral pattern?'

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'I couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Pat!!'

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Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'

'Spread out in a bunch.

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'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget.

I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.

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'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Vera. 'But I'm wearing sevens coss fours hurt!'

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The baby needs feeding
'Wake up,' said Murphy. 'The baby's crying. It wants feeding.'

'Well, you feed it,' said his wife. 'It's your son.' 'Yes,' spluttered Murphy. 'But he's half yours.' 'I know,' smiled the missus. 'But it's your half that's crying!'


Shorten the odds.
Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.

The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.

However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.

'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'

Ice skate judges
The Olympic skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his face. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again.

Up went the marks of the judges.

Great Britain 0.0

Germany 0.0

France 0.0

Ireland 3.4

'Why the score of 3.4?' asked the other officials.

'Well,' said Judge Murphy, 'You've gotto make allowances. I mean it was terrible slippy out there!'


 
Caught poaching
'Caught you!' said Policeman Muldoon. 'Poaching in the river me boy is a serious offence. I must ask you to accompany me to the station.'

Halfway out of the wood Murphy the poacher pulled up in his tracks.

'Bedad,' said he, 'haven't I left me jacket by the water's edge. I'll have to go back and get it!'

'No way,' said Muldoon. 'If I let you go back you'll run off. I've got a better idea. You wait here and I'll go back for the coat!'


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub one night when a politician came in looking for votes.
'I'll buy a pint of stout,' said The politician 'for whichever of The three of you gives me The best reason for voting for The government.'
I'll vote for your government,' said The Englishman, 'because it is my democratic duty to do so.'
I'll vote for your government,' said The Scotsman, 'because I hate The opposition.'
I'll vote for your government,' said The Irishman, 'because I want that pint.'



____________

To err is human, to arr is pirate.

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redhawk
redhawk


Known Hero
Gaurdian Supreme
posted February 03, 2004 08:32 AM

One fine evening A very hansome young irishman, had A fair amount of draft, A wee dram more than I shoulda said he as he walked home. suddenly he felt the urge to relieve himself, and being Irish it don't matter were you are, there you go!, Will leaning on A tree for stabillity, and just when he's given it the 3RD shake, he passes out. A while later, two fine upstanding ladies come upon the young man passed out lying against this tree, well the first on shrieks in amazment, the second only smiles and says to the first, lets leave him a little something to let him know we were here. She takes a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around the young Irishmans manhood. Several hours later, the Irishman wakes up and looks around feling a wee bit funny, he then notices the blue ribbon around his tool. He gets a big grin on his face and says " laddy I don't know were you been, but I see you won first place. "
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It's better to burn out, Than fade away !!!!!!!!

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Celfious
Celfious


Promising
Legendary Hero
-3 cat deflection
posted February 03, 2004 09:17 AM

potatoes go well with beer.
Fries, whatever..

So do honey roasted peanuts.

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Asmodean
Asmodean


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
posted February 04, 2004 03:06 AM
Edited By: Asmodean on 21 Aug 2004

Nice one redhawk. I liked it so much I showed my dad. he liked it too

Try these:

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Traditional Irish toast
May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.

Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."


____________

To err is human, to arr is pirate.

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redhawk
redhawk


Known Hero
Gaurdian Supreme
posted February 04, 2004 08:07 AM

Pretty good, I'm haf Irish myself. Don't know to many jokes though, And I can't stand dark stout beer. But the jokes are funny as heck. I just found out that i'm a redneck though, Ya, I looked out my door this morning and noticed that I had half a dozen cars in my yard that don't run, It woulden't be all that bad if my neibor would find another place to store them. The morgage company tried to repo my trailer this afternoon, they couldn't find the wheels, jokes on them, I pawned them to pay for my new tatoo, ( okay its my wifes tatoo), She says it will make her look more intimidating for here arm wrestling competition this weekend at the stinker station truck stop out on I 84 , out side of Boise, Idaho.

I had to wing that one, It was right off the cuff.
____________
It's better to burn out, Than fade away !!!!!!!!

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Asmodean
Asmodean


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
posted February 05, 2004 02:45 AM

Yes, and you didn't tell me that your wife's you cousin/sister/grandma like a real redneck.
Btw - don't ever come to Ireland to see your 'roots', we all giggle at americans that do that over here
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.

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Dingo
Dingo


Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
posted February 05, 2004 02:56 AM

Quote:
out side of Boise, Idaho.


Hey whats up?  I live in Boise Idaho!
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.

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Wolfman
Wolfman


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Insomniac
posted February 05, 2004 03:03 AM

Maybe you can be in the arm wrestling contest too then, Dingo.
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Don't assume you know anything
about my position on any issue.  
Best idea would be to ask.

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