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| Thread: Jokes , hah ha ha |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · «PREV |
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Sir_Stiven
Honorable
Legendary Hero
banned
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posted February 22, 2003 02:59 PM |
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ok, here is one.
Snow White, Albert Einstien and Quasimodo (the Hunchback of Notre Dame) are sitting in a room, in silence. Snow White is thinking to herself "I wonder if I am still the prettiest in all the land", Einstien is thinking "I wonder if I am still the smartest in the land" and Quasimodo is thinking "Well, i'm famous for being ugly, I wonder if I am still the ugliest person in the land"
For reasons unknown to me, God's voice is heard in that room, saying "I'm free in an hour I'll tell you then." So in an hour's time the three go and see God. Snow White comes out first, grinning from ear to ear, safe in the knowledge that she is still the fairest in all the land. Next to return is Albert Einstien, also grinning from ear to ear, also safe in the knowledge that he is still the smartest in the land. Quasimodo, though, walks out frowning. Snow White asks what's wrong. Quasimodo replies "Who the Hell is Kuma no tsume?"
tossers 
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Vadskye91
Promising
Supreme Hero
Back again
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posted February 23, 2003 04:11 PM |
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I found a link to a great joke site! jokes.com
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Knowledge is power...
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silx87
Supreme Hero
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posted February 23, 2003 07:53 PM |
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Quote:
I found a link to a great joke site! jokes.com
Bwaahahaaahhaahhaahhaahahaahaa
That's a great site.
I love "Yo mama jokes"best
Here are some:
Yo mama is so fat,when she farted,pluto's icecaps melted.
'Your mama is so doumb, she sold her car for gas money!
Yo mama so stupid, when you were born she saw the umbilical cord and said, “Hey it comes with cable!”
Yo' mama so fat, the tag on her dress reads: "Made In Hungary, Turkey, China, U.S.A., Algeria, Japan, Indonesia..."
Yo' mama so fat, she falls out of bed on both sides!
But okay,go see for urself,that's one kick@$$ site
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted February 23, 2003 07:58 PM |
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I know more of those!
Yo momma's so fat, that when she's in an elevator - it just HAS to go down!
Yo momma's so fat, that she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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Kuma
Promising
Supreme Hero
u can type so much text in her
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posted February 23, 2003 10:08 PM |
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Quote:
ok, here is one.
Snow White, Albert Einstien and Quasimodo (the Hunchback of Notre Dame) are sitting in a room, in silence. Snow White is thinking to herself "I wonder if I am still the prettiest in all the land", Einstien is thinking "I wonder if I am still the smartest in the land" and Quasimodo is thinking "Well, i'm famous for being ugly, I wonder if I am still the ugliest person in the land"
For reasons unknown to me, God's voice is heard in that room, saying "I'm free in an hour I'll tell you then." So in an hour's time the three go and see God. Snow White comes out first, grinning from ear to ear, safe in the knowledge that she is still the fairest in all the land. Next to return is Albert Einstien, also grinning from ear to ear, also safe in the knowledge that he is still the smartest in the land. Quasimodo, though, walks out frowning. Snow White asks what's wrong. Quasimodo replies "Who the Hell is Kuma no tsume?"
tossers
Hey.... If I can come to Phoenix, I can surely make it to Sweden. Grrr
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People used to call me crazy, but now that I'm rich I am excentric.
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EvilLoynis
Famous Hero
The Dark Shadow
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posted February 24, 2003 05:17 AM |
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Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work Include
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off, because employees can work with a hangover.
6. Employees will tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. It increases job satisfaction, because even if employees have a bad job, they don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because employees would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
The Most Important Men in a Womans Life
1. The Doctor- because he says "Take your clothes off".
2. The Dentist- because he says "Open Wide".
3. The Milkman- because he says "Do you want it in the the front or the back".
4. The Hairdresser- because he says "Do you want it teased or blown".
5. The Interior Decorater- because he says "Ounce it's in you'll love it".
6. The Banker- because he says "If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest".
7. The Hunter- becuase he always goes deep in the bush, he always shoots twice and he always eats what he shoots.
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PsYkOtIc-Dra...
Known Hero
Master Thief
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posted February 24, 2003 06:01 AM |
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Here's some jokes...
-Yo' mamma so fat, she fell in love and broke it!
-Yo' mamma so fat, the fastest i've ever seen her run is when twinkies went on sale!
-Yo' mamma so fat, the only way we could fir her in an elevator was to throw a twinkie inside!
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A little kid goes on a bus...really hyper....so he starts saying things like:"If my mommy were an elephant and my daddy were an elephant...i'd be a baby elephant!" Then he continues to: "If my mommy were a hippopotimus and my daddy were a hippopotimus...I'd be a baby hippopotimus!" The bus driver get's really annoyed and yells: "yeah! well what if your mom was a snow and your dad was gay!?" THe kid answers: "I'd be a bus driver!" (no offense to all you bus drivers  lol)
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two snows."
"What? He had two snows?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two snows. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two snows.'"
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A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
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From Cradle to Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
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Dear God
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
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Helping the Pope With His Holy Crossword
A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. He sees that the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He thinks to himself, "I love doing crossword puzzles. I hope he will ask me for help."
Time passes, and the Pope says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four-letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'unt'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and was about to answer when he realized he couldn't say something like that to the Pope. He thinks a while longer and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
The Pope replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
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E-mail Error
It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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How to Write a College Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that darn paper.
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Tech Support
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
As Ripley would say, believe it or not!
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As i was mowing the lawn, my neighbour (an elderly woman) kept going outside to check her mail box and going back inside.....After doing this about 5 or 6 times, i finally asked: "Why do you keep checking you mail box like that?" The woman replies:"Because, she replied, my computer kept saying: "you,ve got mail".
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LOL!!!! Hope i didn't bore you too much!!!!!!
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Girls=Evil - Here let me show you -> Girl=My Time -> Time=Money -> Money=Root Of All Evil, Therefore -> Girls=Pure Evil
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GhostDragon
Known Hero
Dragon God
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posted February 24, 2003 06:10 PM |
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Letter from the son to his dad.
the son writes
"No mon, No fun, Yo son.
The dad writes back
"To bad, So sad, Yo dad.
HEHE
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I am wrong to be wrongfully wrong about being wrongfully right, but in fact, I was actually right to be rightfully right about being rightfully wrong.
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goodpig
Adventuring Hero
The King of Pork!!!
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posted March 06, 2003 05:21 PM |
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Ha here is one...Adam and Eve
Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.
"Adam."
"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.
"Where did Adam and Eve live?"
"Eden."
That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"
"Mmm, that IS a hard one."
"Enter."
LOL
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Qui n'a plus qu'un moment a vivre N'a plus rien a dissimuler.
Atys
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goodpig
Adventuring Hero
The King of Pork!!!
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posted March 06, 2003 05:28 PM |
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These are pretty good 2.
Really Bad Pick up lines:
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
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Qui n'a plus qu'un moment a vivre N'a plus rien a dissimuler.
Atys
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Sir_Stiven
Honorable
Legendary Hero
banned
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posted March 06, 2003 05:41 PM |
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Quote:
Hey.... If I can come to Phoenix, I can surely make it to Sweden. Grrr
Just lemme know when and ima bu....hmmm...and ima let you buy me a beer 
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Damacon_Ace
Famous Hero
Also known as Nobris Agni
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posted March 07, 2003 03:06 AM |
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Here is a catchjoke:
"What do you get if you crossed a sparrow with an elephant?"
"I don't know. What is it?"
"A sparrow with a big fat elephant ***!"
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No one knows my true nature here...
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this_other_guy
Famous Hero
{0_o} heh...
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posted March 07, 2003 06:50 AM |
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Joke!
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you like, $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, your $on.
Dear Son, I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can't study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
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1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
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FiasRevenge
Hired Hero
Tumbling down the rabbit hole
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posted March 15, 2003 01:12 AM |
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?
His friends replies, "A Carnation??"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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"'But I don't want to go among mad people.' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can't help that,' the Cat said, 'We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'"
--'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'
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angelito
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
proud father of a princess
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posted March 21, 2003 05:31 PM |
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George Bush Jr. stays in front of the evil devil after his death. The devil says: "So now you have the choice between three chambers of pain. Make your decision wisely, because you will stay there until another one will come and choose the same chamber."
In the first chamber George Jr. sees Ronald Reagan working in a coal mine, 16 hours a day only by little water and bred. "No,no that´s nothing for me, to hard work for my back."
In the second chamber, George Jr. sees his father, swimming in a pool of cow snow 12 hours a day. "Oh my goodness, this isn´t really a good choice for me, let´s see what´s the third is about."
In the third chamber, George Jr. can see Bill Clinton laying on the floor, with Monica Lewinsky above him, doing the job for what she´s famous about.
"Oh, what great idea, that´s something i can imagine to do for next endless times.."
So the devil says: "OK, Monica you can leave now....
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Better judged by 12 than carried by 6.
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gorman
Promising
Legendary Hero
Been around since before 2003
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posted April 10, 2003 08:16 PM |
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For any blondes out there, plz don't take offense to this really dumb joke:
What's the best way to sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door
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When all else fails... Take notes.... ALL the time... ESPECIALLY when playing D&D.... or Pokemon in my case
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Deimos
Known Hero
LHW Paladin
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posted March 23, 2004 12:41 AM |
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The eyeball joke
A man walks into a bar.
Man: Barkeeper, if I bite my eye I'll get a free beer, okay?
Barkeeper: Okay. You won't be able to do it.
The man took out his metal eye and bit it.
Barkeeper: Here.
Man: If I bite my other eye, I'll get another free beer, okay?
Barkeeper: Sure, you can't have 2 fake eyes.
The man takes out his teeth and bites his other eye.
6 people walk into a bar.
1: I'm the shortest giant in the world!
2: I don't care, 'cause I'm the tallest midget in the world.
3: You both suck, I'm the fattest thin man in the world.
4: Shut up, cos I'm the thinnest obese man in the world.
5: That's nothing. I'm the stupidest wise man in the world.
6: Ha! I'm the smartest idiot in the world!
Barkeeper: You all look the same to me. Are you hexuplets?
Another identical person walks in.
7: Sorry I'm late. No, we're heptuplets.
Barkeeper: Your brothers say that they're special. Is there anything special about you?
7: No, of course not. I'm the most average person in the family.
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Let's Have War=Best thread on HC.
By the way, my name is Deimos, not Diemos.
Some people don't have a life. Others spend it on HC- Lord Woock.
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