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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted May 17, 2007 10:06 PM |
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Edited by Spectrum at 12:00, 18 May 2007.
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Fantasy threat
Okay so this is something I first wrote in finnish but then decided to translate and post here. This is just the first part, though.
It contains many references to various things, such as fantasy books and films and Monty Python, for example. I hope you understand most of them
If any finnish people are interested in reading it in finnish, IM me and we'll arrange something. The original, finnish version is truly better.
I apologize for the quality loss in translating, especially the names are so much better in finnish.
Fantasy threat
Chapter one – Kantalf’s Alakazam
Another rainy morning full of exhaust gas in the big apple, thought Ara-Corn gloomily, and the annoying Lord of the Wrinkles – Fans are swarming outside. What do they think they know? They must think I’m the same super-cute hero I was in those books. The author just took the liberty of exaggerating a bit. Ara-Corn took a long gulp from his can of Coca-Cola, just for the sake of outrageous advertising. Good thing only cross-eyed fantasy nerds read Lord of the Wrinkles-books, otherwise half the world would very soon be outside his small flat.
On a normal morning Ara-Corn would already be amusing by the window, spitting on his fans and such (it was always as satisfying to see how they fought to get under the ball of spittle!), but lately he had been suffering from chronic headache and tiredness.
After a long while of thinking, many aspirins and a significant amount of caffeine, he decided to go and see his old friend Kantalf and ask him about this growing tiredness. He looked up the address of “Kantalf’s Alakazam” and took the back door outside, to avoid unstable admirers. Once he was at a safe distance from his house, he started jogging towards the bus stop. When he arrived, he lit up his pipe and pretended to enjoy smoking it, just for the image of course.
As Ara-Corn was waiting there for the bus, the memories came back to him as clearly as if they had happened just the previous day. He remembered helping that old guy who fell in to the dolphin pool in the zoo years ago. As a sign of his gratitude, he had promised to write a book about him, but Ara-Corn, being the young and modest man he used to be in those days, politely declined the offer. But the old man kept insisting, so he agreed to be one of the main characters. Shortly after that Lord of the Wrinkles was published and Ara-Corn was forced to leave Calcutta. Sure, the books had the odd bit of truth to them (After all, Ara-Corn had had his own little adventures in India), but mostly they were pure fiction.
Ara-Corn was awoken from his memories by the sound of the bus driver yelling that are we getting in or not. Ara-Corn got on the bus and sat next to an elderly lady.
-Ara-Corn, is that really you?, the old lady asked.
-Do I know you?, answered Ara-Corn cautiously
-All fantasy characters know you!
-Oh so you’re a fantasy character too? Ara-Corn was extremely relieved. She wasn’t any lifeless LOTW fanatic.
-Yes, I am… The old lady sounded a bit bitter.
-So um…What books are you in? Ara-Corn asked, interested.
-I was in “The Legend of Big Things, Small Things and Certain Table Lamps” she was sounding more and more bitter.
-The Author was my dotty son Thump
-Thump?
-Yes… He insists on people calling him that. I named him Jack.
-I see…So what happened to him?
-He was supposed to become a doctor, but a practise patient was so incredibly annoying that he drove poor Thump out of his mind.
-I’m sorry.
-Thank you. Where are you going to, if I might ask?
-To Kantalf’s Alakazam.
-Oh! Then we’re going to the same place! I have to ask him advice, you see I have this headache, and it won’t go away.
-Hey! Exactly the same story with me!
-Really?
-Yes. What’s your name?
-Do I have to tell? Now the woman sounded embarrassed.
-Well, it would be nice to know…
-Okay. But you’ll have to promise you won’t laugh.
-I promise.
-Fine. My name is… “Damnitshebitme”
-What the… Damn it, she bit me?
-Unfortunately, you heard it right. When I was being baptized, the priest suffered a little accident on a critical moment. She sighed
-Hehe…I mean, this is our stop. After you.
-Thank you very much.
Ara-Corn and Damnitshebitme stepped on the wet asphalt and walked the small alleys towards Kantalf’s Alakazam. There was a slight odour in the air. Gunpowder, possibly. They found the correct street, CojuringTrick road, and proceeded briskly towards the yellow and black neon sign that said “Kantalf’s Alakazam”. If it’s possible to describe Damnitshebitme’s pace as brisk. They found the seedy-looking door and pushed it open. A bell rang somewhere at the back. At this stage of proceedings Ara-Corn and Damnitshebitme examined all kinds of stuff that could be found in the shop, such as a crystal ball that showed your neighbour’s bedroom, shaving cream that tastes like whipped cream, a book called “You can’t always win, but a smoked herring is nearly as good” and other things that will not reappear, but which keep the quantity of stupid jokes in this story high enough.
Kantalf entered from the back room and gave a laugh at Ara-Corn, who was holding a DVD labelled “10 reasons for not caring about hygiene”
-You never change, do you Ara?
Ara-Corn quickly hid the DVD behind his back and opened his mouth, prepared to argue with this, when there was a voice from the corner:
-You’re late.
Kantalf was immediately alert and posed a countering question:
-Who, me or Ara-Corn?, he said cunningly
A small man stepped from the corner.
-You, of course. Didn’t you ever read LOTW?
-Oh well I saw the film…What was it again…A wizard is never ehm… Never mind. Good to see you, Trodo!
-You too Kantalf. And you, Ara.
-Hi there.
-I think you’re all here for the same reason. As are those about twenty other fantasy characters in the back room. Come, let’s go see them, Kantalf said wearily.
All three fantasy characters followed Kantalf throwing confused glances at each other.
Kantalf drew the heavy moth-eaten purple curtain aside, letting Ara-Corn and the rest into the room. The small space was full of familiar figures: Larry Gutter and Von Weemly, Maplo from “The Death Rate Cycle” accompanied by his loyal dog (Who, by the way, had gained a lot of weight since the writing of the books), a couple of the Redball-mice and other known fantasy characters plus Hitler.
Kantalf looked at the latter for a moment, amazed, and then said:
-What are you doing here, you silly little man? God finished your sketch years ago!
The displeased Hitler left the room and a small while later there was a huge crash, as if a 16-ton weight had suddenly dropped on the floor.
-Let us continue. Is it true that you’re all here to ask me for help because of a continuing headache and fatigue?
Everyone mumbled in agreement and nodded their heads.
-I have been doing a little research and found out that all major fantasy characters have the same problem. Including me. So what is this all about? I was browsing the internet, looking for answers, and halfly by accident realized what’s causing all the trouble. And it’s worse than I had thought.
Kantalv stopped to think for a while and then continued:
-I had planned that sentence and believe me, it was never supposed to be so corny. I’m sorry.
-What is it, Kantalf?, peeped one of the Redball-mice.
-Ah yes. So, I noticed loads and loads of advertisements of all sorts. Larry Gutter-mugs, Maplo-toothpaste, movies, television series, Ara-Corn-sheets, even Kantalf-vacuum cleaners. It’s altogether insulting!
-It is insulting, yes, but what has it got to do with our sickness?, asked Trodo impatiently.
-Wait for it, wait for it. I want to make this appropriately dramatic. Let me explain. Fantasy characters as we are, - and quite famous, too - every time that the fictional side of us -the one in the books, that is- is marketed, we, the real persons, become weaker. Marketing managers and such are using our characters to suck out all the personality from us! Someone has, or some people have caused the selling of fantasy-related junk to rise so violently that soon we won’t be able to take it anymore. Something has to be done!
A terrible silence fell over the group, as it tends to do in these kinds of moments.
-What now, Kantalf?, asked someone called Spathawk from a less known “Helenium”
-Firstly, we have to find out who is behind all this.
Kantalf sounded determined and everybody realized how serious the situation was. If nothing was done, that would be the end of good fantasy. Ara-Corn thought about the whole picture in the dim light of the candles in the back room. The scent of candles always reminded him of his escape from Tauron, probably the most evil fantasy baddie in the history of world back in Calcutta. Yes, this kind of a plan would be very much like him. Ara-Corn frowned as a terrifying thought insidiously crept to his mind.
-Hey, people! Listen! What if some embittered fantasy baddie has once again started a kill-all-heroes-so-that-I-can-take-over-the-world-plan? Or, even worse, all embittered fantasy baddies together
There was due thoughtful mumbling in the room and the clicking and buzzing of one of Kantalf’s machines could always be heard on the background.
-Yeah, we haven’t heard from them for a while, said prince Tagnavus.
-And probably some twisted jerk is writing a book about these events so they could market it later!, someone shouted, horrified.
-So we all agree that the situation is bad?, said Kantalf.
-Kantalf, would you please just skip the drama and get to the point?, said Ara-Corn, who was getting a bit annoyed.
-Right. So. Ehm… Well this is embarrassing. I have nothing non-dramatic to say.
-Just say something!
-Pineapple!
-Something that could actually help us?
-Wait here. I have an idea.
-Didn’t I already tell you …
-Shh! I think he actually has an idea.
After Kantalf left the room, a clamour broke out in the room. Everybody was speculating the possibilities of the mystery at hand. Nobody obviously came up with anything that made any sense, but Trodo said it’s all an enormous practical joke. Apparently he thought socialism had once again gone too far. No one could see how that was a practical joke, but he didn’t mind. You know what they say: small man, big words. Damnitshebitme was loudly telling how something very similar happened in The Legend Of Small Things, Big Things And Certain Table lamps and in the end it was a progressive communist goat that was behind it all. Everyone seemed to think that it had something to do with politics, except for Ara-Corn. He thought that less chitchat and more action, just like the good old days in Calcutta. He didn’t care whether Kantalf was right or wrong, as a classic fantasy hero he just had to be able to show off. Spathawk, who was already mentioned earlier, took out a little pocket flask and asked if anyone wanted some. Trodo was just about to answer, when Kantalf returned. It seems he had noticed the way too much humour had been stuffed in the story while he was absent and hurried up.
-Okay, so, he announced his presence and went straight on:
-It’s a company called Warner Bromes that is causing us all the trouble. Amazing what you can find in the internet today. Now all that needs to be done is to find out who are the leaders and demand an explanation. Any volunteers?
-What do you mean, volunteers? Couldn’t we just call them or something?, asked one of the mice.
-It’s not as easy as you think it is. The company has covered its traces very carefully. Not a chance to find a phone number. The only thing that I could find was that they are having some sort of a press conference tomorrow here in New York.
-Yippee! That’s when we’ll strike! MUAHAHAAA!!!
Everyone stared at the little Redball-mouse, very amused.
-Sorry. I got a bit carried away, muttered the little mouse.
-He does have a point, though, said Kantalf:
-That is indeed when we’ll strike. But in a slightly different manner.
-What do you mean?, asked Spathawk
And Kantalf told them. It was a pearl in the crown of corny plans and thus unnecessary in this, already very corny text. The point is, they decided to vote for a group of people to go and do as was stated in Kantalf’s plan.
-Five’s a nice round number, so let there be five heroes. Let us vote.
As Trodo and Ara-Corn were furiously rolling their eyes at Kantalf’s drama, everybody in the room moved closer to the table to get paper on which to write their votes. It wasn’t of course allowed to vote for oneself, but it’s not like anyone would have wanted to do that. (Hm. What an utterly pointless sentence. Must ask publisher to remove it.) There was a moment of silence during which everyone thought hard, except for Larry, who just wasn't very good at thinking. Eventually Kantalf quickly looked through all the votes, added them up in his head and proclaimed the result with his creaky voice.
-Friends, we are all gathered here today, to witness-
That’s as far as he got, because Trodo and Ara-Corn yelled “Get on with it” so hard they nearly popped several veins.
-Last warning, Kantalf…
Kantalf understood, swallowed and started again, this time differently:
-So, after looking through all these votes, I can say that the winners of this election are, by far, Larry Gutter, Spathawk, Maplo, Trodo and Ara-Corn! Congratulations to the lucky winners! I mean…Good luck!
To be continued...
Enjoy, and remember that feedback is always welcome!
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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Card_Ximinez
Famous Hero
no
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posted May 18, 2007 12:14 PM |
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Nice, but it's better in finnish.
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wtf this still exists
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted May 18, 2007 12:18 PM |
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I know...
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted May 19, 2007 08:23 PM |
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Okay so no feedback, except from Card whom I forced to post
That's fine( ), but tell me if you want me to post the next part of not...Otherwise it's not worth the bother of translating it.
So, who wants to read more?
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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alcibiades
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
of Gold Dragons
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posted May 19, 2007 08:30 PM |
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This belongs in the Glade, I think. A mod should move it there, you will have better chance of getting some feedback from the people in there.
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What will happen now?
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted May 19, 2007 08:32 PM |
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Edited by Spectrum at 21:18, 20 May 2007.
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But it's not exactly an RPG...It's just a story, right?
Edit: And please people vote if you want to read part two which is even better...Even if you vote No
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted May 29, 2007 01:03 PM |
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Edited by Spectrum at 13:19, 29 May 2007.
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Right, I'm done translating part two
Chapter two-“Why does this always happen to us?”
Ara-Corn, Trodo, Spathawk, Maplo and Larry were all sitting around an ancient wooden table in Larry’s favourite pub, “The Geeky Cauldron”. Larry put on his glasses and commented that after this mess he’d get contact lenses for sure. The table was oak and full of things carved on it. The new friends played card and drank smoking “wizard drinks”, which contained all sorts of stuff you really don’t want to know anything about.
-Maybe we should get some sleep so we’ll be strong tomorrow…, suggested Larry quietly.
-Shut up and drink. We never won anything in Lord Of The Wrinkles by sleeping, grunted Ara-Corn and ordered yet another “Wizard Drink”
They played for a while longer, until it became very clear to everybody that it wasn’t worth it. Larry had aces up his sleeve, Maplo hid cards inside his cheeks, Ara-Corn delt from under the deck and Trodo was so short he couldn’t see over the edge of the table. Spathawk didn’t even know how to play.
-They had to choose us to do this, didn’t they? It’s just insane. And they call themselves friends! Ha!, cursed Trodo.
-Well, what do you suggest? You think the Redball-mice could do it?
-That’s not what I meant…
-The conversation went on like this for the rest of the evening, except that the later it got, the harsher the language was.
Chapter three-Just as we thought that the level of this book couldn’t get any lower…
Dawn broke serenely, as dawns tend to do in embarrassing wannabe-fantasy stories. The birds were singing incessantly, which greatly annoyed Ara-Corn. Just my luck, thought Ara-Corn to himself dryly. He didn’t however have time for any further self-pity, because the always so enthusiastic Larry dashed inside declaring that this is the end of this damn headache and that the baddies would regret ever messing with them. Soon Trodo, Maplo and Spathawk had arrived in quick succession and the team was together again.
-So, anyone got a plan?, Ara-Corn asked, with none of Larry’s enthusiasm and went straight on:
-I suppose we can’t do anything but get on with it before the author gets sick and tired of us.
Larry was immediately ready to argue:
-Kantalf already told us the plan didn’t he?
After Ara-Corn more or less patiently explained to him that it had been the broad outline of the plan and that now was time for details, they got back on the point.
-What if, we rush in the press conference and threaten everyone inside with certain death if they don’t allow us to kidnap the leaders of Warner Bromes and hold them hostage until we get them to stop what they’re doing!, Larry shouted in extreme excitement, convinced that he had just come up with the stroke of genius of the century.
Ara-Corn and the others shook their heads, wondering how on earth this guy -Larry- ever became an international fantasy celebrity.
-Fine, that’s what we’ll do, said Ara-Corn finally.
-WHAT?? , shouted everybody else than Larry.
-Oh come on, Ara-Corn defended himself:
-It’s too early to think.
And so they all set off towards the part of New York that the conference was going to being held in. It smelt of waffles, which made Ara-Corn think of his Belgium-times. Those days were full of coffee, chocolate and french fries. (And of course, waffles. That was the whole point of this, wasn’t it? Oh well, anyways.) The singing of the birds got insufferable to Ara-Corn and he shouted out loud:
-Oy! We’re on a secret mission here! Some peace! I mean sheesh, I can’t hear myself thinking.
Just as Ara-Corn and his companions were thinking that maybe it wasn’t so wise to shout such things out loud, a weird thought hit Ara-Corn like a lightning from a clear sky. Although, supposing that lightning most often strikes from above, the metaphor is in this case inaccurate, since the thought hit him from below, so to speak. Or from below and a bit to the left, more like. In any case, he stopped to think about the fact that the birds shouldn’t be singing at all, in the middle of the heavily urbanized New York City.
-Um, mr. Author…,He started but then remembered that it’s not a book but reality. But still the birds stopped singing all of a sudden.
They walked onwards in silence. Everyone was thinking about Larry’s plan, looking for flaws in it, because no one could be bothered to attack anywhere, mostly due to the hangover they all suffered of, with the possible exception of Larry. Maplo was just about to point out that they didn’t have anything to threaten people with, they didn’t even have weapons, when Trodo spotted a gun-shaped object on the ground. On the nose of the “gun” it said in big, red bold letters: “Super-Efficient Ultra-Modern Space-Modulator-Laser Beam, which kills extremely slowly and painfully and which is especially suitable for reckless plans and threatening plus hostage and blackmailing situations.” Yes, all that fit in the nose of the gun.
-Well, this should come in handy, said Trodo, placed it in his pocket and walked on, very pleased with himself.
Everyone followed silently. Only Ara-Corn suspected something, but didn’t say anything. Better do this as quickly as possible and see what happens.
They arrived at the building where the conference was supposed to be held. The big glass doors were…big.
-Alright. We didn’t come all the way up here just to stand around. Why don’t we get started?, said Spathawk.
Everybody nodded seriously, but no one really knew where to start.
-Okay, this is what we’ll do, said Ara-Corn, thought for a minute and continued:
-Larry will draw the concierge’s attention to himself while the others sneak in the conference room. Once inside, Maplo and Spathawk make sure that no one gets out and Trodo and I threaten people with the gun. Right?
-Why do I always have to be the woman…? , muttered Larry, but no one paid any attention to him.
Concierge Weasel had been working in the same building for thirty years now. Nothing she had experienced before in her courier could be compared to what would happen next. (This doesn’t necessarily mean that something unbelievably dramatic was about to happen, it can also mean that concierge Weasel had had a very boring courier.) A skinny boy of about fifteen years old walked to her desk. He had those kinds of extremely thick glasses that you see on nerds that have spent their whole lives in front of a monitor. Mrs. Weasel sighed.
-How can I help you?
-Well…You see, the thing is, I think I’ve lost my glasses under your desk.
-There they are, on your nose, Mrs. Weasel pointed out.
The boy thought hard for a moment, spoke in his phone for a while and then responded:
-I meant my other glasses, the ones I use for reading.
-I see. But how on earth would they have ended up under my desk?
-They fell when you weren’t looking.
-I would’ve noticed that…
-Could you check anyway? Please?
-Very well… The client is always right, they had told her in her training. Grinding her teeth she forced a polite tone to her voice when she informed the young boy that there weren’t any glasses under the desk. The kid backed away a bit, looking scared, and took out his phone again.
Ara-Corn, Trodo, Spathawk and Maplo were moving sideward slowly behind a large pizza-advertising poster. Opposite to them was the concierge’s desk. Larry was desperately trying to disturb the doorwoman so that she wouldn’t notice the pizza advertisement that didn’t belong to the back wall, or more importantly, that it’s moving. Larry said something to her and took out his mobile phone. What’s the idiot going to do now, thought Maplo gloomily. He got his answer straight away when Ara-Corn’s phone rang in his pocket. The concierge looked at the pizza-poster, ran to them and ripped off the poster that covered them.
-What’s all this, then? , she asked with a strict voice.
Fortunately Maplo was alert at once and tackled the woman. Everybody jumped on her and they all started fighting on the ground in the middle of the lobby.
-Damn it, she bit me!, shouted Trodo.
-Where? I thought she wasn’t supposed to come with us, said Larry, always smart as ever.
In a moment the doorwoman was lying under her desk tied up. The story doesn’t tell where they got the rope, but as this one of those crappy fantasy stories where there’s always rope available, no one cares.
-Larry…Ara-Corn started, but didn’t seem to find the correct words to tell Larry off.
Spathawk, being the diplomat that he is, decided to take care of it.
-Dear Larry, the whole point of your disturbing her was that we wouldn’t get noticed. It wasn’t very wise to call Ara’s mobile at a critical moment.
-Now there we have the understatement of the year, whispered Trodo to Ara-Corn.
Larry looked apologizing and hung his head.
-That’s okay, just as long as you promise to think a bit before doing anything stupid ever again.
-I promise.
-Yeah, we’ll see about that, commented Ara-Corn, but so quietly that only Trodo could hear it.
They proceeded to the big oak door. It said “Meeting. Do not disturb” Larry was just about to knock when Spathawk reminded him of his newly made promise. Larry blushed and put down his hand,
-So. Is everyone ready?
-Yes!
-And everyone knows what they’re supposed to do?
-Yes!
-No…Larry, who else.
-You just stay on the background and try to look scary.
-Okay!
They took their places in front of the door and took a deep breath. Ara-Corn took command of the group.
-On a count to three...One.
-Hey, wait!, said Larry
-Two.
-You don’t have the-
-THREE!!
They all charged in shouting different things. The hall was big and round. The people sat in rows, all facing a stage at the back of the hall, rather like a theatre. On the stage sat three very important-looking men. Staring the man in the middle straight in the eyes, Ara-Corn shouted as loudly as he possibly could:
-Nobody move! We have a Super-Efficient Ultra-Modern Space-Modulator-Laser Beam, which kills extremely slowly and painfully and which is especially suitable for reckless plans and threatening plus hostage and blackmailing situations!
For a moment Ara-Corn saw a flash of triumph in the important-looking man’s eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared, and Ara-Corn forgot all about it. Not very wise, as it later turned out. The reason for Ara-Corn forgetting about it was that he noticed that he had made a terrible mistake. He had forgotten the Super-Efficient Ultra-Modern Space-Modulator-Laser Beam, which kills extremely slowly and painfully and which is especially suitable for reckless plans and threatening plus hostage and blackmailing situations outside the building!
Embarrassed, he said:
-If you would excuse me for a moment…I have to use the toilet.
He ran outside to get the gun and returned.
-I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t-, Larry started smugly
-Shut up, interrupted Ara-Corn, rather harshly.
-Let us continue…What is it that you want?, asked the important-looking man nervously.
-Yes! So…The leaders of Warner Bromes come with us or everyone dies!
-Right, right. Fine. Just don’t kill anyone.
Well that was easy, thought Ara-Corn, as the three men followed him out of the room. A little too easy…
To be continued…
Hope you like it
And please I'd like some feedback for it this time
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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Card_Ximinez
Famous Hero
no
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posted May 29, 2007 01:47 PM |
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Once again, good, but better in finnish.
Oh, and Concierge Weasel!?!?!?!?!?
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wtf this still exists
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted May 29, 2007 01:49 PM |
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Yeah, what's wrong with it?
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted May 29, 2007 02:31 PM |
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Is this some kind of comedy? I really had a good laugh at the "Damnitshebitme" girl
I don't know about the finnish version, but if it's a comedy it could certainly benefit from some improved words, to make it much more funny 
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Card_Ximinez
Famous Hero
no
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posted May 29, 2007 03:00 PM |
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It's a fantasy parody.
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wtf this still exists
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Spectrum
Famous Hero
Plan B
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posted May 29, 2007 05:00 PM |
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Quote:
Is this some kind of comedy?
Yes...It's supposed to be funny.
Quote:
I don't know about the finnish version, but if it's a comedy it could certainly benefit from some improved words, to make it much more funny
I know, it suffers from the fact that english isn't my language one. It's more like my language one and a half So I tried to make it funny by the situations, characters, lines, plot, details etc.
If you have ideas, though, bring it on! I'm always willing to make it better
Quote:
It's a fantasy parody.
Yep, at least it's supposed to be one
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Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava
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