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Carcity
Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
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posted August 26, 2008 05:42 PM |
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Edited by Carcity at 18:12, 26 Aug 2008.
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My story.
Frein and Peil walked along the road in the forest. They knew little about the thieves hiding in the bushes. When they reached a corner the thieves jumped out of the bushes and surrounded them. Frein and Peil saw that this wasn’t an ordinary band of thieves. One of the thieves wore a shiny armour like if he was a knight. He also carried to broadswords and he held them like if he had mastered the technique of using them. He had black hair and a small beard. Another one of the thieves wore flexible green clothing made out of cotton. It was covered in leaves for ultimate stealth techniques. The man who carried it also had a bow in his hand. He had blonde hair. There where also a man wearing blue mage armour. He held a staff in his hand. He had gray hair although He and all the others seemed to be around the 30 years old. There where also a girl in the band. She had black clothing and wielded two daggers. She had brown long hair. Frein and Peil started digging up their money from their pockets when a fifth person came out from the bushes. He had Black and green clothing. He had a longsword in his hand and two daggers in his belt. He also had bow and arrows on his back. Frein and Peil saw that he obviously was the leader. “I will take that money of yours,” he said to them. They quickly gave him their money. “Thanks you have been of great help.” He said as he made some kind of signal to the others. They moved away from the road and let Frein and Peil walk away.
Later on that night in their camp the thieves celebrated their new money. “Why did you let them go?” the girl asked the leader. “Because that was the kings servants.” He said. “and that’s why we can make even more money if we had captured them.” “But then we would get the whole army against us Leila.” “But Olsir we would become rich.” “Enough! We shouldn’t discuss that anymore.” Said Olsir and walked away.
Feedback people. And remember This is just the first part.
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Why can't you save anybody?
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted August 26, 2008 05:48 PM |
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Well, it has some potential. Keep it up
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Carcity
Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
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posted August 26, 2008 06:35 PM |
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Part 2...
Ranleg walked up to Lifes and said: “Why can’t we ever catch some guys who give us a fight instead of just giving us the money?” “Well… We will go to the capital city tomorrow and then maybe we could rob some guards.” Said Lifes. Magiel Walked up to them and said: “The meat is ready.” Ranleg put down his swords and said: “Great I’m starving.” He took a big piece off meat and started eating. “So… shall I find some more wolves for dinner?” Said Lifes. “No I think we have enough.” Said Magiel. Magiel walked away to Olsir and Said that the meat was done. He said the same to Leila before he went to the fireplace by himself so he could get a piece before Ranleg had taken everything.
The next day the “thieves” went to the capital city to try to warn the king and maybe buy some new weapons for their new money. Lifes saw a big poster on a wall with some papers on it. He saw a wanted list and found that he and his companions where on the top. There where on images but a very god description. He collected the others and showed them. Ranleg didn’t seem that much interested and had his eyesight on a big and fancy sword instead. “We must split up so that nobody will get any suspicions.” Said Olsir. “We will meet up at the castle in an hour. I will go by myself. Ranleg you will go with Lifes and Magiel you will go with Leila.
Ranleg and Lifes, Who had been best friends for a long time, went around the east side of the town. Ranleg had bought the sword he was looking at and had but it in his belt with the other two. Lifes found a new bow who fitted him more than his old one witch he had created by himself when he was a kid. Magiel and Leila went to the west side of town and looked around a bit. Leila found herself a new dagger witch she found good. Magiel bought a spellbook from a strange merchant. Olsir who walked on his own bought a chainmail he could wear under his normal clothing to protect against arrows. Finally they all made it to the castle witch was positioned in the centre of town.
Somehow I knew that Asheera would be the first one to post.
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Why can't you save anybody?
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted August 26, 2008 06:39 PM |
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Quote:
Somehow I knew that Asheera would be the first one to post.
Hehe
I don't know why the others who read stories don't provide feedback.
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Darkshadow
Legendary Hero
Cerise Princess
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posted August 26, 2008 06:44 PM |
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The main problem is, I don't read stories.Even though I only read the first piece it seems good.
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william
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
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posted August 27, 2008 09:45 AM |
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If you don't read stories then why do you go to the story threads?
Anyway, nice stories so far. 
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~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~
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zamfir
Promising
Supreme Hero
Allez allez allez
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posted August 27, 2008 06:29 PM |
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It looks good but I can see some flaws in it. Try to improve the descriptions, and you should also make better dialogue lines.
But I like it, it has an interesting plot.
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5 Times TV
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Carcity
Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
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posted August 27, 2008 09:46 PM |
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This is just the begining of the story but I can tell that there will be many fights ahead. And Zamfir It must have some flaws. I'm 13 for crying out loud. I'm not even supposed to be able to write this god if i would be as dumb as my classmaes (no offence if anyone of you is onthis community)
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Why can't you save anybody?
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted August 27, 2008 10:13 PM |
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Yay, someone aspiring to be a writer. Anyways, It's a'ight
If I would make a comment, I would say that you might should work a bit more on the introducion of your characters.
But no trolling  (although, this might fit in the glade)
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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Carcity
Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
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posted August 27, 2008 10:16 PM |
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@Dagoth I will introduce the characters more in the coming parts. Cause if you read a book It doesn't start with a full character introduction of the main characters does it?. But for you who hasn't understood it yet I can say that the 5 people in the band is the main characters and Ranleg is the knight, Leila is the girl (Duh), Lifer is the ranger, Magiel is the Mage and Olsir is the leader.
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Why can't you save anybody?
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Adrius
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Stand and fight!
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posted August 28, 2008 12:06 AM |
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Edited by Adrius at 00:14, 28 Aug 2008.
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It's a matter of personal style, but you might want to add some variety to your dialogues by ending peoples' sentences with other words than he/she said, like replied, answered etc. Personally I think it adds a bit more flow to stories. Another way to do it is e.g: (I take the robbing scene)
Frein and Peil saw that he obviously was the leader. He raised his sword against them. “I will take that money of yours." They quickly gave him their money.
(It's pretty understandable that he's the one demanding money anyway, since he's the one raising the sword, this way you don't need the "he said" thingy at all, and the story becomes quicker and more fun to read, imo.)
Keep at it Carcity, your story and characters have potential, hope you don't mind that I used a part of your story as an example.
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Carcity
Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
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posted August 28, 2008 07:24 AM |
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no problem Adrius But I will be very busy for four days now and Idon't think I even can enter Hc under that period.
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Why can't you save anybody?
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carcity
Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
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posted September 16, 2008 10:05 PM |
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ok this thread was about to die. I had ompletely forgot about it but now I have finally completed the next part. It is abit short. But I have been busy. And I wanted to post it before this thread dies. so Here we go.
Olsir was in the lead when they all walked up to the castle gates. Two guards where standing in front of the gate. “Stop!” said one of the guards. “What is your appointment with the king?” “This!” Replied Olsir and showed a note. On the note was the kings seal on it. He gave the note to one of the guards. The guards read it and opened the gate. “What was that all about?” asked Ranleg when they had passed the gate. Olsir just smiled strangely back at him.
“Hello there great king.” Said olsir when they saw the king. “I got your message and came as soon as I could.” “Good.” Answered the king. “I assume that your friends know about this?” “No sir, I haven’t told them yet.”
Feedback please.
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Why can't you save anybody?
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Adrius
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Stand and fight!
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posted September 16, 2008 10:08 PM |
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Kinda hard to give you feedback on such a short bit of story... nice though
Somehow it feels better than the last parts, even though it's short.
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted September 21, 2008 08:34 PM |
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It's a little too small for a feedback...
But it's interesting and I would want to see the continuation
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Carcity
Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
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posted January 31, 2010 12:53 AM |
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Edited by Carcity at 11:25, 31 Jan 2010.
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My story- revived!
Ok I decided to revive this, but instead of continuing from the already existing parts I decided to completely remake the first parts to develop them better, here's a remake of the first part:
”… An’ tha’ wa’ when I tol’ her: ‘Oi what’ca doin’ ta me sheep ye ol’ hag?!’ An’ then she said ta me: ‘I though’ ye said ye want’d less chewy meat, an’ wha’ is less chewy than a fluffy sheep?’”
“Haha tha’ wa’ one fun joke, lad. Now le’me tell ye a story of me own, ya see it all start’d way back a’ me house…”
Frein and Peil continued the small turning road trough the big green forest, the leaves of the trees covered almost the whole sky, small streams of light lit the path here and there and one could hear birds sing somewhere in the forest, it was early afternoon and Frein and Peil were on their way back home from a fishing trip in a nearby lake they had gone to the day before, they had had little luck and only caught a few fishes each, but it was enough for a few days meal back home.
Frein was a short man with shoulder long brown hair and a few centimetres of beard, he had a brown shirt and working pants and carried his fishing rod over his shoulder, he snow a backpack with a few tools and the little fish he had caught, on his left side he had a one-hand sword and a small hunting dagger on his right side. Peil was a little taller but was a bit round, he had short-unkept black hair and had a few days old beard stub he had a small puch that he carried over his shoulder, his fishing rod attached to it, he had a small knife in his belt.
When they had walked a bit on the road they came to a turn, on the other side a girl lay on the ground, she seemed to be in great pain, Frein and Peil ran forward to her and bent down beside her to see if she was ok, she held her hands against her stomach and, judging by the facial expression, experienced a great deal of pain, Frein bent forward to turn her around from her side to the back, so he could inspect her stomach, he heard Peil next to him: “Are ye alrigh’ miss?” As Frein turned her around he got hit in the face by a lightning fast kick, the next moment the girl flew up from the ground and kicked Peil in the face so he fell to the ground and drew two daggers, at the same moment three men came out from their hiding places in bushes nearby. The four of them quickly surrounded Frein and Peil, which by this time had drawn their sword and dagger and stood back-to-back ready to defend themselves, Peil bleeding a little from his nose.
They quickly inspected the people surrounding them, one was a big muscular man with short brown hear and trimmed beard, he had an unpolished and a little dirty armour and held a big broadsword with both of his huge hands, another one of the attackers was a young elf with blond hair wearing a brown leather armour and held a bow aimed at Peil’s chest, the third man was wearing light-gray wizard robes and held a wooden wand with a sapphire at the top aimed at Frein’s head. The girl was dressed in dark leather and had long straight black hair.
Frein looked at them quickly and realised they had no chance to defend themselves, he put down his sword and held his hands high. “I surrender.” Behind him Peil did the same thing. Suddenly a fifth man jumped down from one of the branches above, he wore light armour and held a small long sword. “Good, then you might as well spare us the work of killing you and give us your gold, it’s for a good cause.” He said with a slight British accent, Frein and Peil quickly did as he said, after they had emptied all their pockets they where let go and they quickly ran away from the spot.
“Le’me see wha’ they had.” Said the big man with the armour before he put away his sword and went trough the pile that Frein and Peil had left behind. “Oooooh, look a’ thi’ fancy stuff they had, not tha’ much gold bu’ they had an’ invitation to the annual joustin’ tournament. Thi’ be hard stuff ta get.” The others gathered around to get a better look at the letter he was reading, The man with the British accent took the note and studied it for a while. “Haha, looks like we got ourselves an invitation to the capital guys, pack your bags, we’re travelling today.” “Nobody wonders why they would carry a thing as valuable as that when they went on a fishing trip?” said the girl The big knight raised his shoulders. “I dunno, maybe they thoth I’ wa’ too valuable ta leave a’ home.”
On that note the company, except the elf who went hunting for dinner, went back to their camp to pack their stuff.
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Why can't you save anybody?
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