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| Thread: High Tech Squddies? *ROFL* | |
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 20, 2002 07:01 PM |
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High Tech Squddies? *ROFL*
The British army is going all hi-tech. Now when you phone them up you get a disjointed digital recording saying: "Thank you for calling the ministry of defence. If you wish to declare war on the United Kingdom, please press one If you are the America president and require British forces to join your own to give the spurious impression of international co-operation, please press two. If you wish to register a complaint about the massacre of innocent civilians press three or hold for an operator." In which case you have to listen to Vivaldi for 30 years until someone's finally prepared to listen.
This week it was announced that British service personnel are to be armed with all the latest microchip technology to assist them in the war against terrorism. With so much of today's defence budget being spent on computerised military hardware, they needed that extra £3.5bn to pay for the Dixons extended warranty.
Modeling the "soldier of the future" outfit for the BBC News was an embarrassed looking squaddie weighed down by countless electrical gadgets strapped all over his body, while his face seemed to say: "I haven't the faintest ****ing idea how any of this stuff works." There were satellite communication, computerised weapons, an integrated monitor screen just above his eyeline- all in standard army camouflage colours, making the soldier impossible to pick out untill the moment hi mobile phone suddenly went off, playing the Dambusters March at full volume.
Of course with the soldiers now carrying the latest in communications technology, terrorists will not be their only enemy. They're also going to have to watch their backs for teenage boys mugging them for their million pound digital equipment, which they will flog down the pub for a tenner. The computer packs are specially designed to be light and highly mobile, it's just a shame that carrying all those enormous manuals will slow him down so much. Hostilities will be delayed for months as combatants search through the weapon manual looking for the section on "firing".
Yet the whole point of all this increased communications software is supposed to be speed. Soon NATO forces will be able to blow up the wrong building far more quickly than they have been able to do in the past. The ground forces will be in constant communication with reconnaissance aircraft, un-manned aerial vehicles and attack helicopters, right up until the moment the computer crashes and then all the aircraft crash as well.
But of course the test of all his technology will be the first time that this soldier is on the battlefield face o face with an enemy gunman. A split second can make the difference between life or death as he activates his computerised weaponry. But it doesn't take out the enemy; instead a little reminder wizard appears on the screen: "Click here to register your Microsof anti-terrorist software for great technical support, free upgrades and special offers on other Microsoft products." The soldier frantically clicks the "register later" icon as enemy bullets fly past his head. Grenades are now exploding on either side of him, as a smiling little animated Mr. Bomb character bounces up and down on the screen saying: "Are you sure you want to register later?"
With our armed forces increasingly dependant on computer software, it wont be germ warfare we are worried about but virus warfare. "Oh look, I've got an e-mail from someone called Osama- I'll just open that attachment and see what it is!" says the soldier brightly as the entire NATO communications system goes down. Or maybe the enemy is closer to home. I can't help worrying that the boys who left school to become squaddies tended not to be the same boys who were really brilliant with computers. The nervous brainy kids were forced to avoid all the tough boys by going along to computer soc. every lunchtime, and will have spent the last 15 years working their way up through the software industry patiently planning their revenge. So when the tatooed meathead of a squaddie is stuck in an Iraqi battlefield and has to rely on computer equipment to save his life he'll suddenly find his software freezing as a voice from the past pops up on the monitor: "Hello Slugger; Timothy Johnson here, from From 4B. You probably won't remember that every day for five years you broke my glasses and threw my violin case on top of the bus shelter. well now you are really going to wish you hadn't."
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 Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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arachnid
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted July 21, 2002 12:37 AM |
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Ive heard the worst thing is the standard weapon they are issued with, it is extremely faulty and jams loads even though millions of millions have been spent trying to fix it. I think they are finally given up and are having to spend billions buying new guns.
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DarkManiac
Known Hero
of Hell
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posted July 21, 2002 01:39 PM |
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ROFL
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A villain's gotta do what a villain's gotta do.
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Conn
Responsible
Famous Hero
God slayer
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posted July 21, 2002 10:12 PM |
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LMAO...Just one question...Do they get cable tv in those suits? 
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 Whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 21, 2002 10:13 PM |
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Lith-Maethor
Honorable
Legendary Hero
paid in Coin and Cleavage
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posted July 21, 2002 11:55 PM |
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I was in a good mood before...
now I feel like dying... my abs hurt... damn you kitten... ROTFLMAO
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You are suffering from delusions of adequacy.
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 21, 2002 11:56 PM |
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Hexa
Responsible
Legendary Hero
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posted July 22, 2002 12:10 AM |
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Finaly had the time to read it .,,, LMAO!@
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If you want to realize your dreams >>> you have to wake up!@
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 28, 2002 06:25 PM |
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An exquisite post, my dear Cat, I was going to try to make contributions of my own, but realized that it was more or less perfect as it was.
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 28, 2002 09:12 PM |
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privatehudson
Responsible
Legendary Hero
The Ultimate Badass
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posted July 28, 2002 11:08 PM |
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I thought this was a discussion site cat not a porn site LOL
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We're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 28, 2002 11:18 PM |
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 29, 2002 03:41 AM |
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Heh heh... it was only so long before the down with knickers joke was noticed by a viewer who does not know its origins. Flip back through the tavern for a little while and find my "Does this dress make me look fat..." thread for an explanation. Yeah, I could probably link if for you, but I'm a lazy, lazy man.
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