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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: sick animal jokes
Thread: sick animal jokes
ratmonky
ratmonky


Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
posted May 21, 2004 05:57 PM
Edited By: ratmonky on 21 May 2004

sick animal jokes

After so many dog and cat jokes, I decided to post this animal jokes collection.

What's black, lives in a tree and is VERY dangerous?
Answer: A crow with a machine gun!!!

What's got two legs, hair, and bleeds?
Answer: Half a dog

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Answer: A megasorearse.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Answer: A lickalottapuss

What's pink and spits?
A cat in a frying pan.

What goes plink, plink, fizz?
Kittens in an acid bath.

What's the last thing that goes through a bee's mind when it hits a car windscreen at 70mph?
It's ass.

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Saunders.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
His d*** was stuck in the chicken.

What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic pigmies.

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.

Why do elephants have long trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.

How do porcupines make love?
Veerry carefully!

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are three elephants in your fridge?
Can't get the fridge door closed.

Diner: "Do you serve chicken here?"
Waiter: "We serve anyone sir."

A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened. He said, "I don't know, it all happened so quickly."



____________
Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.

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Celfious
Celfious


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Edgeboy
posted May 21, 2004 06:29 PM

WHat do youget when you cross an owl, and a rooster?

A cock that stays up all night.


____________
Refused signature

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Asmodean
Asmodean


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
posted May 21, 2004 06:34 PM
Edited By: Asmodean on 21 May 2004

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pu$$y."


Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
____________

To err is human, to arr is pirate.

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frostwolf
frostwolf


Famous Hero
livin' in a bottle of vodka
posted May 21, 2004 10:41 PM

What has 4 legs and a bleeding arm?

A pitbull after a walk in the park.
____________
What can you expect from a world where everybody lives because they're too afraid to commit suicide?


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Svarog
Svarog


Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
posted May 22, 2004 02:08 AM

The one with the ostrich and the cat cracked me up. Nice one, Asmodean.
Sorry, I can't post jokes because I'm cursed. I've heard a lot, but I cant remember not a single one. Except one short stupid joke, which is one of my favourites:

-Why Jesus can't eat peanuts?
-Because he's got holes on his hands.
____________
The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.

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ratmonky
ratmonky


Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
posted May 22, 2004 07:23 PM

That was a great one Svarog.
More to come about Jesus (it's not meant to offend anyone who is religious):
PROOF THAT JESUS WAS...

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

...Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

...Woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

____________
Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.

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Svarog
Svarog


Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
posted May 23, 2004 01:02 AM

You won't believe this, but I remembered one sick animal joke. Here goes:

-What comes out when a rottweiler f***s a poodle?
-The poodle's eyes.
____________
The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.

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Celfious
Celfious


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Edgeboy
posted May 23, 2004 01:38 AM

these are sort of ok

What do you get when crossing a shark and flipper?
A fat shark

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls around in mud, and crosses back over the road?
A dirty double crosser.

What do you call a pig in a butcher shop?
A pork chop

What happens if a duck drops an egg?
It quacks.

Where do fish keep theirmoney?
River banks

why  is it better to have a tree in your backyard, than a dog?
Its bark wont bother the neighbors.

Whats grey, has a trunk, big ears, and a waggy tail?
A mouse on vacation
____________
Refused signature

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Asmodean
Asmodean


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
posted May 23, 2004 02:41 AM

Doctor Bob.

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob,don't worry about it.
You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...."!

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a vet."
____________

To err is human, to arr is pirate.

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