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| Thread: Why LichKing should be elected |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · NEXT» |
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LichKing
Honorable
Known Hero
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posted November 06, 2004 08:49 AM |
bonus applied. |
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Why LichKing should be elected
Hello, My name is LichKing and I approve of this message.
Folks, it's time for us to put an end to all of the stupid crap that makes our world such a not-so-cool place to live in. I was going to fix everything last week, but with the ongoing election I decided it would be best to wait until a winner was declared. My logic was simple: either way, the world was screwed. I'm sure you all agree.
FEAR NOT!!! I have a solution. I will be your leader. WORLD Leader. You know you want me.
I know this information alone should be enough to give you all the assurance you need to get on with your mundane lives, but sadly there are 2 or 6 people out there who don't have a fundamental understanding of the world's problems. They will read this and benefit from My wisdom. Then they will agree with Me.
Soon, My chilluns, I will rule and all will be well and all will be well. Gobbless Stephen King.
My Platform follows:
Free Health Care: Everyone deserves the best health care their government can offer. It should be free. If you are ever ill I promise you that you will be promptly executed and raised as a skeleton. You will be given a job in My army. This will be My gift to you and there will be NO CHARGE for these services. I am a loving Lich.
Corruption: This world is corrupt. Our governments are corrupt. EVERYONE is corrupt. Man, it makes me want to puke! It makes the boils on my backside want to erupt. It's just sick. I will put an end to this. Our children will be safe when they play in the streets. They will be safe when we send them next door to borrow a cup of sugar and sneak around taking illicit photos of our neighbor's wife while she's showering. Never again will butterscotch syrup be a thought that strikes fear in their hearts. Never again will they know the terror of being chased through the streets by elves who could win a Richard Simmons clone contest, all the while clutching their drawers tightly around their waists while they flee. Never again will they know the fear of going through the drive-thru at Mickey-D's and paying good money for a little snack only to be mugged by those maniacal peasants who are addicted to the Special Sauce when they finally get their orders. Yes, they do **** you in the Drive-Thru!!! And then there's that most heinous of evils--RAP. I have overwhelming proof that RAP was creatued by Santa Claus. He uses it in conjunction with his elves and the peasants. He's on acid and someone needs to stop him. I WILL stop him.
Poverty: The poor will soon starve. They will be animated. They will never suffer hunger again. For further info, see Free Health Care.
The Draft: The draft is a good idea. You never know when the world will be invaded by Kreegans, attacked by Killer Tomatoes, or invaded by Vanilla Ice fans. I am a strong Lich. I stand ready to protect My minions from all enemies, both foreign and domestic. Additionally, I strongly advocate the practice of giving fair consideration to gender equality. All females will be required to register for the draft. This will be a rather selective process and there will be stringent criteria. Ugly broads need not apply. However, special consideration will be given to those females who are endowed with extraordinary attributes. Superior inductees will earn place of honor in My personal service.
War: War is a reality of life. Always has been, always will be. In my new order, War will replace the Olympics. What could possibly be more entertaining than watching a bunch of pathetic mortals gather together every couple of years or so and try to kill each other in the name of greater glory? Well, maybe war, but that's already covered. Mind you, all casualties will be animated--waste not, want not.
Unemployment: You don't want to work? Fine. Rest your lazy ass. Eternally. Your bones are mine, though. You will be executed and animated. Next stop--the salt mines. (Side note: Considering implementing similar provisions for those who are habitually late for work or returning from breaks.)
Free Trade: No single nation in this world is entirely self-sufficient. I strongly believe that every country can grow and flourish through the widespread utilization of a liberal Free Trade policy. Simply put, if you have something I want then you will give it to me for free. As a trade-off, if I am pleased with it, you will be slaughtered, animated and given a place of honor on my personal pedicure staff. In order to facilitate participation in this policy there will be provisions enacted to discourage economic bogarting. If you refuse to give me what I want, you will be slaughtered, animated, and appointed to my personal pedicure staff. All of your possessions and holdings will then become mine by default. This is a Win-Win situation.
Firearms: You hear a lot of people say 'Guns don't kill people. People use guns to kill people.' This is total b.s. The simple fact of the matter is that firearms kill. You can't point your finger at someone and say 'bang' and cause them to drop dead. You can point a loaded weapon at someone, pull the trigger, and drop 'em like a sack of potatoes. Guns are currently one of the biggest causes of wasted life. It's almost blasphmous--point, aim, shoot: body-in-the-ground. WHAT A WASTE! Henceforth, all munitions shall carry an 'Animate Dead' enchantment. Whenever a weapon's discharge results in a fatality, the insufferable bastage who got capped will become a skeleton warrior in My Licharmy. Please note, however, that silver bullets are forbidden and possession of such ammunition will result in immediate execution. For further info, see Free Health Care.
Nuclear Weapons: Nuclear War is a no-win situation. I advocate total elimination of all the world's nuclear arsenal. There is no acceptable excuse for any nation on earth to have the capacity to create unusable corpses on such a grand scale. It is both very difficult and highly uneconomical to animate a body that has been vaporized. This is simply a pathetic waste of natural resources. NO MORE NUKES!!!!!
Chemical/Biological Weapons: The current (mistaken) global attitude is that the use of weaponry of this order is both unethical and inhumane. THIS IS A TOTAL PERVERSION OF THE TRUTH. In times of unrest (lovers' spats, religious differences of opinion, getting pissed off at the guy in the drive-thru, gang wars, calls from telemarketers, etc.), it will be mandated that these shall be the new weapons of preference. Accordingly, whenever foul murder is the desired outcome of a disagreement between conflicting Lichminions, special empahsis shall be given to the practical utilization of weapons which remove flesh while leaving skeletal remains intact. Statistically, casualties of such minor disturbances have historically been a grossly underutilized natural resource. I pledge to address and rectify this issue by mandating a more responsible and intellectual method of meyhem in My unified world.
Unity and the preservation of sovereignty: All sovereign nations will retain their political structures, with slight modifications. Each political or spiritual leader, from the lowliest town mayor to the senator, Czar, Emperor, President, etc. will participate in intense personalized training sessions which will enable them to transcend their mortal imperfections and attune their philosophies to My higher design. Successful graduates of this training will reap the rewards of being transformed into mindless zombies who are subject to my slightest whim. They will continue to hold their political positions, but they will be puppets bent to my will. This will ensure political stability on a global scale.
TAXATION: There will be no taxes! READ MY LIPS...NO MORE TAXES!!! You might ask yourself how I can accomplish this. The answer is simple. Any items of monetary value will become mine by default upon my ascension to the World Throne. It would be realistically impossible to levy any kind of tax upon the possessions of my minions when, in fact, they own nothing. I am a benevolent Lich. I will not tax my minions.
Of course, this is but a small sample of the issues that plague our world today. My ideas on the rest of the issues are exactly what you had in mind. You couldn't pick a better person than me. I promise.
--Lich in '04
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted November 06, 2004 11:00 AM |
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*whispers to another bystander*
I'd vote for him.
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 06, 2004 11:02 AM |
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*Whispers back*
Hmmm, would we really want to have an undead president`?
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted November 06, 2004 11:04 AM |
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*whispers yet again*
At least he won't be assassinated by a random smartarse.
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 06, 2004 11:35 AM |
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*Whispers back*
But why would we wan't such an oldie?
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted November 06, 2004 11:49 AM |
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So basically what you're saying is you'd rather have a foolish yet young leader instead of an old but experienced and wise leader?
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 06, 2004 12:38 PM |
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Killing us all and making us skeletons isn't really that brilliant 
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted November 06, 2004 12:44 PM |
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Think of it this way - no more illnesses, no more taxes, and you will no longer mind working overtime
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 06, 2004 12:47 PM |
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You'll never get laid. And you'll be walking around with a constant boner XD
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted November 06, 2004 12:56 PM |
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But as a skeletal minion, you'll never feel the need to get laid. Think about it. Now that you're alive, you feel the need to get laid but don't get laid. Once you get transformed to a skeletal minion of LichKing's, you won't feel the need to get something you would never get anyway, alive or not.
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Yolk and God bless.
---
My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 06, 2004 01:02 PM |
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Hey!!
Well we won't feel happiness anymore, maybe a little insanity, but other than that we'll be beings with no real purpose..
And i can't go on without the Simpsons.
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted November 06, 2004 01:05 PM |
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Does your life have a purpose now? See, you're not really losing much
And you'll never be sad either.
And he never said he'll be banning the Simpsons
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 06, 2004 01:08 PM |
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Hot girls everywhere, will be bags of bones..
You'll never feel joy, never laugh, never feel love, never taste food... You'll be a worthless bag of composed dust.
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted November 06, 2004 01:11 PM |
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How many times do I have to explain that once demand goes down to zero, there's no point for supply to be any higher?
And on the other hand, away goes anger, hatred, blackmail, sadness, sorrow, pain, jealousy... And all people will be equal (except for the leader, who deserves to have it all better because he made us a perfect world).
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 06, 2004 01:12 PM |
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And why would you ever WANT for it to go down?
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted November 06, 2004 01:13 PM |
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Because it's better to not get what you don't want then to not get what you DO want?
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Yolk and God bless.
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My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted November 06, 2004 01:20 PM |
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So you'll gladly remove your joy, if it removes your sadness?
What a sad life you must have 
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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Asmodean
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
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posted November 06, 2004 01:52 PM |
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Lich in '04 !!
QP appleid
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted November 06, 2004 01:58 PM |
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LichKing. I will only vote for you if you will also make mods spell correctly.
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Eccentric Opinion
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Asmodean
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Heroine at the weekend.
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posted November 06, 2004 02:09 PM |
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Haha Good one Mvass.
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To err is human, to arr is pirate.
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