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| Thread: Fun,Funny and Jokes! |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 4 · «PREV / NEXT» |
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CoCoDemon
Adventuring Hero
The pirate of the Baltic sea
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posted October 16, 2005 07:44 PM |
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kicks ass
ok this one will be about blond chix well we all know how intelligent they are heheh ye right....
here it goes: What's the mane difference between a smart blond chick and bigfoot. hmmm well someone has allready seen bigfoot hehehehe
u know what a blond chick waits for near an electric soket well e-mail offcourse heheh
another one
U have 2 explain a woman how 2 change cars tires for a half an hour and u have 2 explain it for blondie 2 hours thats couse u have 2 tell how 2 change every tire of the car hehehe
2 blond chix stand in the street suddenly on eof em pulls out mob phone and is entering it;s pin code other one looks with suprise and asks :
hmm is ur pin **** too? hehehe
ok I'll stop blond jokes and give u one about smth else
there is a swearing chanpion chip held in russia American Lithuanian and Russian participate . First one comes america he swears for 1 hour 2 hour and ower applouse ewerywhere second comes out lituanian he swears for 1 hour 2 3 4 and ower hudge applause ewerywhere finnlay a russian comes out he trips and falls ( ) and starts swearing 1hour 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 all are killed by this superb russians show judges congragulate him give him flower and everything and he suddenly sais and allso is wery suprised:
Wtf Ihaven't even begun
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted October 17, 2005 08:46 PM |
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Edited By: Jebus on 17 Oct 2005
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SOME BAD JOKES... (except the first one)
A rich white man in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft. man-eating gator in my pool and I will give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking it's a$$! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of s**t like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-Mart goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay, I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the muda****a who pushed me in the pool!"
____________________________________________
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bed sheets, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bed sheets and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"
At this time the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,
"Are my test results back?"
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts terribly.? I guess I had better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replied. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.... heck of a lot
cheaper than a doctor!"
So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the drugstore. When he deposited his ten dollars, the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into a funnel and waited. Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer printed out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam. The doc tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor comes in, the man says, “Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for … but what’s the beer doing there?”
The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. “Nurse,” he screams. “I said a butt light!”
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The other night Jill was invited out for a night with "the girls." Around
3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, Jill headed for home. Just as she got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed
another 9 times. Jill was really proud of herself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict.
The next morning Jill’s husband asked her what time she got in, and Jill told
him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. “Whew!”, Jill thought, “ Got away with that
one!” Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When Jill asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the cat and farted
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Three generations of hookers are sitting around talking when the daughter says, “you know I got really pissed off today when a guy only gave me $50 for giving him a ****job.”
The mother seys “$50? Back in the 1950’s we were happy to get $20”
And the grandmother says “Twenty dollars? Ha! back in the 1930’s we where just happy to have something warm in our stomachs.”
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A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn’t resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man’s gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wifes a$$!"
With all the restraint he could muster, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.
“You know you’re right,"” He said,“It feels just like your wife’s a$$.”
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One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.
“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.”
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “Well, you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.
“I don’t,” replied the hooker, “I just thought you might like to open those beers first.”
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Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the heck out of here!"
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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
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A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.
As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."
"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.
"Well, what is it you have?"
The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."
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Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh
hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in
partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his
new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in
years! I wonder how the girls are doing?"
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A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible
trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I
fart," she cries.
"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible."
The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly.
"That's amazing, do it again."
Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart.
"Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He
bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on
the end.
The ballerina jumps back in alarm. "What are you going to do
with that?"
"Open the window, it stinks in here for kripes sake."
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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer! "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one heck of a mustache!"
_______________________________________________
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a gun shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's penis off." The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted October 18, 2005 04:49 PM |
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Edited By: Jebus on 24 Oct 2005
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Little Johnny
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of
the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture
him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are
you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
EDIT:
oldy but a goody...
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys
had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have
felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet
covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn,I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
>
>
________________________________________________
EDIT:
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he
saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied .
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the
truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
So I took the truck!"
>>
>>
>>
>> "Bubba, you're a smart man!.
>> Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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lkru33
Promising
Famous Hero
3x NFL Pick'em Champ
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posted October 24, 2005 06:16 PM |
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Little Johnny was outside in the sandbox playing with a neighbor friend Jessica. In the midst of building a sandfort, Jessica asks "Johnny... what's a penis?". Johnny replied "I'm not sure... hang on, I'll find out". So little Johnny runs into the house and into the kitchen where he sees his mom doing the dishes. "Mom, what's a penis?" little Johnny asked. "Go ask your father!!!!" the mother exclaimed. So little Johnny runs up the stairs and into the bathroom where his father had just gotten out of the shower. Wrapped in a towel, the father turns and faces Johnny... Little Johnny asks "Dad, what is a penis?". The father proudly drops the towel that was around his waist and says: "son, this is a penis... and might I add, it is the perfect penis". Little Johnny was excited about his learning of the penis and said "Thanks Dad!!!", then ran down stairs, through the kitchen and outside where he met his little friend Jessica back in the sandbox. As little Johnny started to play in the sand, Jessica asks "Did you find out what a penis is?", Little Johnny replied, "yes I did". Jessica impatiently asks "Well, what is it?". Little Johnny drops his shorts and says "This is a penis, and might I add if it were 3 inches shorter, it would be the perfect penis".
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted October 24, 2005 07:38 PM |
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A classic...
a bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.
And the bear turns to the rabbit and says:
"excuse me, do you have problems with crap stickin' to your fur?"
then the rabbit answers:
"no."
so the bear whipes his A$$ with the rabbit.
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Russ
Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
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posted October 24, 2005 09:31 PM |
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Edited By: Russ on 24 Oct 2005
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One day mom asks the dad to tell little Johnny about the birds and the bees. So, dad agrees and goes on to speak to him.
"Hey, son, I need to tell you something"
"Ok..."
"Remember we went to the wh**ehouse?"
"Ya"
"Well, the birds and the bees f**k just like us!"
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LordZXZX
Famous Hero
Overfished
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posted October 26, 2005 02:12 AM |
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Hen: Cluck, and push hard to lay an egg
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife,
crawling into bed and All of a sudden, he wakes up
with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing
in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my
bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am
St.Peter, and you had a heart attack. You are in Heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want
to die.....I'm too young."
said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me
back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only
return as a dog or a hen.
You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out
that being a dog is too
tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed
life. Running around with
a rooster can\'t be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a
chicken run, really nicely
feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end
was gonna
blow........then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he
said.
"How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end
is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the
ovulation going on. Have you
never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he
was good for, and then \Plop\
and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he
clucked again and squeezed.
And you better believe that there was yet another
egg on the ground. The
third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're s**ting all
over the bed!"
____________
...
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted October 26, 2005 11:48 PM |
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me
feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her >boyfriend." The minister fainted.
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted October 27, 2005 04:47 PM |
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short and sweet
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "F off, you won't bring it back."
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Russ
Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
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posted October 27, 2005 05:57 PM |
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haha, n1s, especially the hen one, lol
Here are some parachute ones:
1) A man goes to a store to buy a parachute. He is very sceptical about the quality of the chutes, so he asks the clerk:
"do those work well?"
Clerk: "well, if one doesn't work, come back and we'll replace it for free!"
2) Military operation involving the paratroopers. Sargeant:
"1-st go! 2-nd go! go! go! go! go! ... oh ya, make sure your chutes are on!"
3) A guy jumps off a plane. His chute won't open. His backup chute won't open either. But he remembers the stories about people sometimes surviving when they fall in a stack of hay, so he decides to glide towards one, but he cannot see anything below him. Suddenly he sees a man flying straight up. So, he asks the man:
"Hey, is there a stack of hay below?"
Man: "I dunno, I am from the munitions depot."
4) A guy covered in bandages in a wheelchair drives up to a stewardess and asks her to lower the plane a little and open a door because he has to get off the plane here. She is shocked and tells the pilot about a crazy man inside. He says:
"don't worry, he always gets off the plane at this place."
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Russ
Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
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posted October 27, 2005 06:10 PM |
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A very muscular man with a fretsaw wants to get a job as a lumberjack. An interviewer looks at a fretsaw ironically and asks:
"Soo... have you worked as a lumberjack before?"
"Yes, in Sahara desert."
"But, it doesn't have any trees, does it?"
"Ya, and if you hire me, soon you won't have any either."
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted November 02, 2005 05:34 PM |
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This one's for you Lee!!
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.
I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted November 03, 2005 01:44 PM |
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Edited By: Jebus on 10 Nov 2005
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21st birthday
All of his life, George from Cape Breton, had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great- grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So, when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."
EDIT:
Onions vs Christmas trees
>A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
>"Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
>
>The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three
>kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round
>and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
>hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?"
>"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
>
>This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
>"Mom,how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
>The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
>goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an
>oak tree,mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch,
>flexible but reliable."
>
>"After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
>"A Christmas tree?"
>"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
>
>
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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dvader
Adventuring Hero
Dark Lord of the Sith
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posted November 12, 2005 03:38 AM |
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Heres a couple of good ones:
Three guys are going parachuting, they get to the jump zone, the first one drops an apple out of the plane, then jumps after it. He lands and finds a little boy crying and asks "why are you crying?" The little boy says, "an apple fell from the sky and hit me on the head." The second guy drops an orange out of the plane and jumps after it. He lands and finds a little girl crying and asks "why are you crying?" The little girl says, "an orange fell from the sky and hit me on the head." The third guy drops a grenade out of the plane and jumps after it. He lands and finds a man laughing very hard and asks, "what's so funny?" The man says "well, I farted and my house blew up."
How do you confuse a blonde?
Tell her to alphabetize a bag of M&M's
Why does it work?
She doesn't know which comes first the E, the M, the 3, or the W.
____________
"Wipe them out...
All of them."
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted November 17, 2005 05:36 PM |
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no offense of course... :D
(I got this from Conan...
Im dissapointed that he didn't post it!) 
DATING STYLES
WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex; she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her, and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
ARAB WOMEN
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead.
No third date.
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted November 17, 2005 05:54 PM |
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Edited By: Jebus on 22 Nov 2005
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classic...
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very
>faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
>on the Bacardi Breezers, incredibly drunk; walking home they needed to
>pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe
>with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her
>friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did
>not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a
>grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe
>with that. After the girls did their business they went home. The next
>day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet
>and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
>husband and said "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting
>to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!"
>"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
>stuck in her crack that said "From all of us at the Fire Station.
>We'll never forget you."
>
EDIT:
(carefull, might offend some...) 
I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off!"
They said "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."
Then I thought..."F*ck...I could win this..
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Russ
Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
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posted November 25, 2005 05:33 PM |
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Ok, to avoid offending anyone, I'll make this one about Gibberians (yes, those people who speak Gibberish).
So, a group of Gibberians is extremely bored and is looking for something to do. So, one of them recommends playing a Russian roulette. So, they get a gun, one of them loads a bullet, shoots, dead. Another one takes a gun, loads a bullet, shoots, dead. etc... The last one picks up a gun, looks at it for a while, then says: "hmm... isn't this game supposed to be played with a revolver?"
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted November 28, 2005 02:26 PM |
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Friendship
On Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
On Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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"You went over my helmet??"
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Jebus
Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
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posted December 20, 2005 02:26 PM |
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Edited by Jebus on 22 Dec 2005
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cute.
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had
a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a
little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found
a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking
his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
with me and have a beer ?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me ?" But
again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one
more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house
and shouting,
"Hey, in there ! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink
with me ?"
A little voice came out of the box : "I heard you the first time !
I'm putting my f***ing shoes on."
_____________________________________
Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.
After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize
they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back
and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten
all the food."
"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie.
Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the
sandwiches.
Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I
knew it! I'm not f***ing going!!!!"
________________________________________________
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means
he has to impregnate; the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out
at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from
the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in
the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
____________
"You went over my helmet??"
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Guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted December 23, 2005 12:22 AM |
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Trippy jokes, Jebus.
---
I learned this one in my Religion class. It's based around the theme of looking for things in the wrong places and, therefore, not finding what you seek.
There was this notorious trader who was known for his illegal smuggling activities across the desert sands. One day, the trader tied several huge sacks to his camels' backs and led them towards the border into the neighboring kingdom. There was a border guard stationed up ahead, waiting for a chance to arrest the trader for smuggling. As the trader approached, the guard took out a sword and went out to meet him.
"I know you're a smuggler," said the guard, "let me see what's in your sacks!"
"Go ahead," the trader replied, bringing his sacks down from the camels.
Immediately, the guard cut open all of the sacks but found only sand and grass inside. Searching through the mess as best as he could, no illegal items could be found. The guard was puzzled.
"I must be on my way," said the smiling trader, who then departed with his camels.
A week later, the guard saw the trader and his camels coming back, this time with a new load of baggage. Again, the guard halted them and cut open the sacks. Just like before, there was only sand and grass inside and nothing more. The guard stood there quite agitated as he let the trader go.
The same thing happened several times in the weeks that followed, each time leaving the border guard frustrated and without evidence to arrest the trader.
After a while, the guard and the trader stopped encountering each other at the border. Many years passed and both men retired from their jobs. One day, the former guard saw the former trader lounging at a local cafe. Approaching him, he asked the former trader to reveal what exactly he was smuggling. With a smirk, the other man looked at the ex-guard.
"Camels."
-Guitarguy
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