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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Old Soviet Jokes
Thread: Old Soviet Jokes
terje_the_ma...
terje_the_mad_wizard


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Disciple of Herodotus
posted September 28, 2005 02:35 AM bonus applied.

Old Soviet Jokes

I've come across a large cache of old Russian jokes from the time of the Soviet Union, and even though I fear that this will help to further flood the Tavern with uncountable amounts of joke-threads, I can't help but make a new thread.

So, here are some old Russian jokes, collected, exported and translated from Russian to Norwegian by Peter Normann Waage, and then translated from Norwegian to English by me.
(To anyone with special interests: These are so-called Radio Yerevan jokes. They emerged in the 70s and 80s, and pretended to answer all the questions that the Soviet propaganda machine failed to adress.



The newly inaugurated, democratically elected president of the Soviet Union, comrade Michael Gorbatsjov, explains in his inauguration speech how the future will be for the Soviet citizens.
"In 1995, every Soviet family will have their own TV set. In 2000, every Soviet family have their own car - and by 2010, every family will have a helicopter at their disposal!"
Later, there's a question round, and one of the audience asks what the families will have need for their own helicopter for.
"Comrades" begins the President. "Imagine that you live in Leningrad. And then, one morning, you learn that there's meat for sale in Moscow..."

Communism can be compared to a train, moving through history. At first, Lenin was in charge, but then the train stopped. "Sing a Communist song, Comrades. Then the train will start again!" he said. And indeed, as the people sang, the train started rolling again.
Then Stalin took command, but soon, the train stopped again. "Shoot the train driver," Stalin demanded. It was done, and the train started rolling again.
After that, Khrustsjov took over, and when the train stopped, he said, "Pull down the curtains, so that the people will sleep and dream that they arrive at their destination." This was done.
Next, Bresjnev seized command, but the train stopped for him, too. "Let the train rock from side to side. This will make people think it is really moving!"
And finally, Gorbatsjov took over. "Replace all signs and instructions in all carts and in the locomotive with English expressions, so people will think that we're moving towards the West, and then, we'll get moving again!"

A long queue had formed outside of the butcher's shop, even though there were several hours till it opened. When the time came for it to open, the manager emerged, and shouted, "All Jews must leave the queue! Jews will not be served!" The Jews left, the rest were still waiting, but nothing happenes. The door was closed. Just before closing, the door was opened (), and the manager hung out a note: "We have no meat today."
"**** it!" exclaimed a man in the front of the queue. "All the times, the Jews gets all the privileges!"

A working couple in Moscow got a son. Soon after his birth, it turned out that he was more than a little intelligent. Already a few months old, he could read, write, and talk, and before his first birthday, he sat all day long immersed in books about advanced mathematics.
When the boy celebrated his second birthday, the parents realized that they couldn't master him, so they took him to a doctor.
"Take it easy," the doctor said. "We'll handle this with a small operation.
The boy was put into a hospital, where they removed a part of his brain. However, when he woke up and saw his parents, he immediately asked for his books about Greek and Latin, which he'd left at home.
"You didn't remove enough of his brain," the parents told the doctor. "You'll have to try again."
As it was said, so it was done, but this time, the doctor took the parents to his office soon after the operation. He stuttered and excused himself, because without intending to do so, they had cut away the boy's entire brain! Understandably, the parents were both worried and desperate, as they stood by the boy's bed when he awoke from the narcosis.
The boy opened his eyes, stared at them, and said:
"May I see your papers, please!"

A brand new American car is parked outside of a hotel in Moscow. A Russian approaches the owner, and asks how on Earth he managed to get his hands on a car like that.
"I just walked into a store, and bought it," the American replies.
"That sounds like a joke," the Russian man commented. "What about all the permits, the certificates, the applications for the car itself, for the car radio, gasoline, a parking lot..."
"You don't need anything like that in our country," said the American.
"WHAT!?" exclaimed the Russian. "How can you live in such Chaos?"

A newlywed Rusian sent his wife to a cooking class arranged by the local party group. But for some reason, it didn't seem to help much, because when she returned after going to these classes for a month, she still burned the food, just as bad as she used to.
"But are you incapable of learning anything, woman!?" the furious husband exclaimed.
To which the wife replied: "But, but, we've only made it to the October Revolution yet!"

More jokes will be added sometime in the next week, or something...
____________
"Sometimes I think everyone's just pretending to be brave, and none of us really are. Maybe pretending to be brave is how you get brave, I don't know."
- Grenn, A Storm of Swords.

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ratmonky
ratmonky


Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
posted September 28, 2005 08:53 AM

wow, i didn't know that Armenian humor is appreciated in Norway!

Q - What's the difference between matches and woman's breasts?

A - Matches are intended for adults, but kids like to play with them, while woman's breasts are intended for kids but adults like to play with them!

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Lord_Woock
Lord_Woock


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
posted September 28, 2005 09:34 PM

- Oh, look, Ivan's blood pressure went up.
- How can you tell? You don't know anything about medicine!
- Watch how the mosquitoes explode on him.
____________
Yolk and God bless.
---
My buddy's doing a webcomic and would certainly appreciate it if you checked it out!

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Russ
Russ


Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
posted October 03, 2005 07:21 PM

FYI: "Armenian Radio" refers to pretty much any soviet Question/Answer types of jokes (not always coming from Armenia). Q(Questions) are asked by a generic soviet citizen. A(Answers) are given by the "Armenian Radio".
anyways, here are some more jokes:
1) (Some info to being with: Tbilisi = capital of Georgia, Erevan = capital of Armenia. Armenians and Georgians are not known to feel very warm towards each other.)
So, here is the joke:
Q: What is the most beautiful city in the world and how many nukes are needed to destroy it?
A: Erevan is a very beautiful city... but Tbilisi is better!
2) Q: How do I make a fat woman slim?
A: Well, put her in a the sauna and don't let her out until she loses all the extra weight... by the way, can she fit in the sauna?
Q: no
Turkish Radio (interrupts): Then why waste such a woman???!!!
3) Q: how do you call 2 men secretly kissing each other?
A: homosexuals
Q: how do you call 2 men kissing each other in front of millions?
A: general secretaries
(homosexuality was forbidden by law in USSR, so they all had to hide. also, in case you've never seen any General Secretaries (Kruschev, Brejnev, etc) on TV before - they seem to love kissing when they meet someone)
4) Q: Will there be a war in the 21-st century?
A: No, but there will be such a struggle for the world peace that we won't have anything left standing.
(funny thing is: this joke was made during the cold war, but it seems to apply percectly to today's world with the war on terrorism, war in Iraq, India/Pakistan, North Korea, etc)

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terje_the_ma...
terje_the_mad_wizard


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Disciple of Herodotus
posted October 03, 2005 10:14 PM

Here's some more jokes:


“How often are Soviet citizens allowed to go abroad?”
“Once every 12th year.”
“Once every 12th year?”
“Yeah. 1956: Hungary. 1968: Czechoslovakia. 1980: Afghanistan.”

Do you know what nationality Adam and Eve were?”
“No?”
“They were Russians. And do you know why we can be so sure about that?”
“No?”
“First of all, they were naked; second, they only had one apple between them. Third, they believed that they were in Paradise.”

A woman from the countryside had walked around in Moscow all day long:
“Excuse me, but could you tell me where the shopping mall Principle can be found?” she asks a native.
“The shopping mall Principle? There is no such thing in this city.”
“Yes, that’s what everyone I ask tells me, but I know it’s here some where! You see, when I ask in the stores where I live, if this or that commodity can be bought, they always answer: “In principle, yes.”

A man entered a fishmonger’s shop, and asked if they had any fish. When they replied that no, they didn’t have any fish, he took out a little note book, and wrote: “No fish.” Then he walked on to the butcher’s shop, where he asked if they had any meat. When they answered no, they were afraid they didn’t, he once took out his little boo, and wrote: “No meat.” The same procedure was repeated in the cheese store and the milk shop. Meanwhile however, people had noticed him, and found reporting him to the KGB to be the safest way to act. The KGB came, and took the man away.
“You have acted in an anti-Soviet manner, and are displaying a parasitic state of mind,” the main interrogator said to him. “We could have shot you for this, but we’ll let you go this time.”
The man took up his little book again, and wrote: “No bullets.”

It was bathing day for the soldiers. The commanding officers had also decided that the soldiers should change their underwear:
“Barrack number one changes with barrack number two, barrack three with barrack four, etc...”

A young man is dreaming about a career within the KGB, and goes to see the commander of the organization. This one rejects the boy, and tells him that they usually find their own people. But the boy doesn’t give up, and the commander eventually decides to give him a chance. They had just learned that a CIA agent is in town, and that this agent is most likely to be found at a great political meeting in the Congress Palace in the Kremlin, which can house 6.000 people. The boy is assigned to finding the agent.
The meeting commences, a political veteran speaks for one hour, two hours, three hours, four hours... The boy keeps a keep eye on the room, and soon, he runs over and arrests a man on the middle of bench 15. He turns out to really be a CIA agent.
”How on Earth did you manage that?” asks the commander of the KGB later, both impressed and amazed.
“I applied the words of Lenin...”
“Nonsense,” the commander says. “Here, it’s a matter of praxis, not Lenin quotes!”
“Yes, but I was thinking about Lenin’s words about how the enemy of the class never sleeps.”

Following intense research, Russian literary historians have discovered the last words of Majakovskij, before he committed suicide:
“Comrades! Don’t shoot!”

A party member is drowning in the Moscow River. On dry land, a man is watching.
“Have you learned your Marxism-Leninism?” he shouts to the drowning person.
“Yes! Yes!” the drowning person shouts back.
“I think you’d been better off if you’d learned to swim!”

One day, three lions from the zoo in Moscow, London and Berlin met, and told each other about their lives.
“I get enough food, but the air is horrible,” the lion from London said.
“I don’t get much food, but at least the air’s fresh and fine,” the Berliner lion said.
“Both the air and the food is bad,” the Moscow lion said. “I only get 50 pellets of fodder each day.
“But that’s not possible!” exclaims the other two lions. “A lion needs at least 50 kilos of food every day!”
“Unfortunately, I’ve now been classified as a monkey.”
“But even monkeys need proper food!”
“Yes, but I get so little because I do not fulfil the plan established for monkeys.”

____________
"Sometimes I think everyone's just pretending to be brave, and none of us really are. Maybe pretending to be brave is how you get brave, I don't know."
- Grenn, A Storm of Swords.

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Russ
Russ


Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
posted October 03, 2005 11:38 PM bonus applied.

Just a little more clarification to help anyone reading this understand the jokes (I am assuming someone is actually reading this )
"In principle". Most of the shops were empty during the 1980-s. You could not buy anything in the official stores. However, there was a huge black market that allowed you to get just about anything using the connections, etc.
"Political Information meetings". Those were mandatory for all soviet citizens, designed to brainwash them with the soviet propaganda. But, it is probably easy to guess - noone was ever awake at those. So, despite all claims about the mighty Soviet propaganda, it never worked Well, the only time it worked could be during Stalin's rule because you could get in BIG trouble for not pretending to listen. I find American propaganda much more cleverly organized and efficient.

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terje_the_ma...
terje_the_mad_wizard


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Disciple of Herodotus
posted October 04, 2005 12:01 AM
Edited By: terje_the_mad_wizard on 3 Oct 2005

Quote:
Just a little more clarification to help anyone reading this understand the jokes (I am assuming someone is actually reading this )
"In principle". Most of the shops were empty during the 1980-s. You could not buy anything in the official stores. However, there was a huge black market that allowed you to get just about anything using the connections, etc.
"Political Information meetings". Those were mandatory for all soviet citizens, designed to brainwash them with the soviet propaganda. But, it is probably easy to guess - noone was ever awake at those. So, despite all claims about the mighty Soviet propaganda, it never worked Well, the only time it worked could be during Stalin's rule because you could get in BIG trouble for not pretending to listen.

Thanks for these explainations. In additon to the fact that these jokes after all are internal Soviet humor, with lots of internal references, my English isn't too good, so I'm grateful for these clarifications of yours.
Quote:
I find American propaganda much more cleverly organized and efficient.

Yeah, it's lots more effective when not so obvious.
____________
"Sometimes I think everyone's just pretending to be brave, and none of us really are. Maybe pretending to be brave is how you get brave, I don't know."
- Grenn, A Storm of Swords.

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pandora
pandora


Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
posted October 04, 2005 12:11 AM

I gave QP's because jokes are fun, and clarification is good
____________
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

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Russ
Russ


Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
posted October 04, 2005 05:38 PM

Quote:
I gave QP's because jokes are fun, and clarification is good

Sweet, ty! I am back to 0 now

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Conan
Conan


Responsible
Supreme Hero
posted October 05, 2005 07:08 PM

Good job Russ,
I'm happy to see you've bounced back. I find you are a good and productive member and I didn't want HC to lose you with my -QP.
____________
Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG

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