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Heroes Community > Other Side of the Monitor > Thread: Declaration of USA Revocation
Thread: Declaration of USA Revocation
Xarfax111
Xarfax111


Bad-mannered
Supreme Hero
The last hero standing
posted January 28, 2006 04:12 PM

Declaration of USA Revocation

Declaration of Revocation
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old

enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.


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Consis
Consis


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
posted January 29, 2006 03:03 PM

LoL

Good job finding that article Xarfax111. It is very funny!
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Roses Are RedAnd So Am I

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Lith-Maethor
Lith-Maethor


Honorable
Legendary Hero
paid in Coin and Cleavage
posted January 29, 2006 03:33 PM

funny as hell, but hardly news

private hudson was first to post this in HC a couple of years ago...

is it strange that i agree with almost everything in it?
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bjorn190
bjorn190


Responsible
Supreme Hero
Jebus maker
posted January 29, 2006 03:53 PM

The british have their problems too.. they could be nicer to kids and not so strict.

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Binabik
Binabik


Responsible
Legendary Hero
posted January 31, 2006 10:28 AM bonus applied.
Edited by Binabik on 31 Jan 2006

Dear Mr. Cleese,

While I appreciate your kind words, I would like to point out a few inaccuracies.

Quote:
in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves


You don't seem to understand the most basic precepts in the American political system.  You see, it doesn't matter who the President is.  The sole purpose of the president is to be the whipping boy.  Us Americans always have someone to blame when things go wrong, even though 95% of the time it had nothing whatsoever to do with the president.

The purpose of Congress is so when the people blame the President, the President can blame the Congress.  And Congress needs two political parties so they can always blame the other party for our problems.  And same thing with voting, we can always blame the other person for voting wrong.

See how it works?  No matter what happens, we are always completely blameless.  So it doesn't matter who the president is, as long as we can blaim him for everything.  The system works quite well actually.


Quote:
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence

I realize the victor writes history, but as I recall, we won that war of independence.  Do your history books say something different?  Or are you merely inviting us to a "2 out of 3" match?


Quote:
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Except for the southern part with several nice parks, most Americans would agree.  The north of Utah is nothing but a bunch of bigamous Mormans who worship seagulls.


Quote:
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

We've been trying.  If you can figure out how, please let us know.

BTW, the Senate is one of the two houses of Congress, so your statement was redundant.



As for our spelling and pronunciation:

You Brits created a totally messed up language.  And you weren't even smart enough to make up your own language without borrowing from virtually every other European language.  We're simply trying to correct some of your mistakes, that's all.


Quote:
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

See what I mean by screwed up language?  What are all those extra letters for anyway?  And it's 0.375, not half.


Quote:
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.

Since I'm feeling nice today, here's what I'll suggest.  All the people who actually watch that show can go live in England to watch it uncensored.....you know, kind of like when you sent your criminals over here to get rid of them.   Please, please, please accept this generous offer.


Quote:
There is no such thing as "US English."

You're absolutely right.  We'll let Microsoft know it should be "English" and "British English".  And the spellchecker will no longer recogniZe extra letters with absolutely no function.


Quote:
You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

OK, so cockney is kind of a manly accent.  But the rest of you Brits, with your high pitched, nasal speech, sound like a bunch of flaming gays to us Americans.  Who can tell the difference, a fag is a fag, right?  (politically correct note: not all British are fags)

Besides, everyone knows English and Austrian are two completely different languages.


Quote:
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

If someone in Britain ever learns how to act, I'm sure they'll be welcome in Hollywood.  (politically correct note: American actors are fags too)


Quote:
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience

Except for Monty Python and Dr. Who, there aren't any British shows worth watching, so who cares?


Quote:
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen"

Does your queen need saving?  And why would you want to save an ancient system of inherited, totalitarian, corrupt, inbred, spoiled, elitist snobs?  Here in the US we *ELECT* our totalitarian, corrupt, inbred, spoiled, elitist snobs.


Quote:
You should stop playing American "football."

It's a matter of preference.  Football is a turn based strategy game. SOCCER is a real time strategy game (and it doesn't even have a pause button).  The difference is that a TBS game has a lot more time for multi-million dollar commercials.


Quote:
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders

You should get your facts straight, it's 3.45%.  Besides, a huge portion of Americans have never been within 100 miles of a border, so why should they care?  And until the last decade when all the Mexicans started leaving their native territories of California, Texas and Arizona, most Americans had never heard anyone speak a foreign language.  So if there are other countries out there, we need more proof before we believe it.

And if you can't do math with numbers not divisible by 10, look 100 miles up in your conversion chart.


Quote:
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies

So what do you call a bunch of guys with their arms around each other, wearing pansy little shorts and playing footsie?  (politically correct note: not all British are fags)


Quote:
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.

You're welcome to come try to take them.  What's wrong, are you a daisy?  (politically correct note: not all British are prissy fags afraid they might break a fingernail)


Quote:
At the same time, you will go metric

OK, as soon as you explain the difference between farthing, penny, crown, sovereign, pound, florin and shilling.  And what the hell is a bob anyway?  (I don't need a politically correct note for "bob" do I?  Because it sure sounds like something fags would do.)

BTW, the plural of penny is pennies, not pence.  (politically correct note: not all British are fags, so it may be strictly coincidental the words penny, pennies and pence have phallic connotations)


Quote:
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

What!?  You seem to have contradicted youself.  German cars like Volkswagen, Audi and Porsche are some of the most unreliable cars on the road!


Quote:
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK.  Why, have you heard something different?



BTW Mr. Cleese, I loved Holy Grail.  Will there be a sequel?

Oh yea!  You know that castle in Holy Grail?  The one with all the beautiful virgins who get excited about spankings (and only one of the British "men" wanted to stay)?  Is that a real place?  If so, can you send me directions on how to get there?  Since only British have visited, I assume the maidens are all still virgin, right?
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Vlaad
Vlaad


Admirable
Legendary Hero
ghost of the past
posted January 31, 2006 10:55 AM


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Xarfax111
Xarfax111


Bad-mannered
Supreme Hero
The last hero standing
posted January 31, 2006 04:38 PM


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privatehudson
privatehudson


Responsible
Legendary Hero
The Ultimate Badass
posted February 01, 2006 12:14 AM

Ahhh this old chestnut. Can't see why anyone would find it amusing after the first 2-3 times.
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We're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!

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dkolb
dkolb


Promising
Known Hero
Nay Nay and Aslan Protector
posted February 03, 2006 04:02 AM

Binabik FTW!!

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miru
miru


Supreme Hero
A leaf in the river of time
posted February 09, 2006 05:39 AM

Our president is just to take the blame...

Bush instigated a war, and we can crush your britan/newEngland/allthoeothercountries.

And also our presdent can veto a law, which is very powerful, and hard to override.

And why spell color colour? is it pronouncedko - loor? I didnt think so.
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I wish I were employed by a stupendous paragraph, with capitalized English words and expressions.

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