markkur
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
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posted October 30, 2010 05:43 PM |
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Edited by markkur at 17:49, 30 Oct 2010.
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When I think of words that describe I come up with words like: reserved, quiet, introverted.
When I think about it it seems that I have two different personae.
It's hard to know 'which is the real me.'
What you have shared is very personal and I do not wish to offend you in any manner. My hope is that you will see some 'unity' between us and not feel what I like to say in fun,; like 'the lone stranger' I have felt that way countless times, and too often like there are indeed two different butts in the saddle of my life.
You've seen older cartoons I hope. There was one you might not have, because it is growing quite old now. The gist of the humor is the "battle of wills" going on inside ,in this case, the comical dog and he's fighting some issue, maybe 'the gambling bug'. On his left shoulder there is little devil doggie that looks like a mini-himdog and on his right shoulder is a little cutsy angel-dog. Both are trying to influence what he does next.
In my opinion only, what you and I too share is what I will call a hyper-active conscience. Everyone has one of course (I hope anyway)but I am talking about it's at full-tilt-boogie, all the time. Like presently, my auto-immune is constantly at red-alert.
I do not see this as a bad thing. Many that I have bumped in to in my life, have to varying degrees. Ever heard this; "you think too much?" or "I just want to do it, not anaylyze it." These different responses, mine and their's are only the difference found between our personal chemical plants. I like green beans alot but some folks nearly puke to smell them.
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(in real life/at school) I think I suppress myself for the risk of being ostracized. I won't often put up my hand; I'm not the 'voulunteery' sort.
With friends I become a completely different person. I'm funny, make jokes, and yet there really aren't many that I can have an in-depth conversation with, on some topics it's just most of the time, over their heads.
You just described me, in my school-daze...perfectly. I was a very happy-go-lucky lad on the outside that horribly trembled every time I raised my hand to answer a question. God, how I hated it. I even did the same junk the first time that I replied to an on-line post. I couldn't even be seen and still did it.
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I'm happy when I'm alone, doing my own thing.
Thinking to myself, completely contained in my mind; nobody else matters, I don't have to watch what I say, what I do. A place where the only limitation is my mind's creativity, imagination. Free of suppression, of physical constraints, of social constraints, and the best part: nobody but me knows what I'm thinking.
You have to do what you have to do. But, (and it's a big but I reversed course. In the end, being a hermit did not appeal to me. <imo> The most important things in life to me, are Family, friends and love as a marching-banner. All else (including me)is a distant second. The order changes all the time, as I have, in never ending phases.
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It's funny that all of our ideas come from one of the most contained things: the skull; and yet the things we think, stretch beyond any containment.
Excellent observation and awareness. I like the imagery of the 'walls'. Another way to express it in wordplay; would be Farragets sp? "Damn the torpedoes...full speed ahead"
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Maybe my suppression comes from lack of confidence, from caring too much about what other people think.
My understanding of myself is that I need to be around other like-minded people before I can express myself fully.
Either that or I'm just in a sad/emotional mood... 
I am not an arrogant dude I just care about what others go through and leveling-up to the Grandfather-upgrade has made my hermit die completely.. If I remain silent, I fail in being who I am supposed to be at this stage in life. Just wanted to reveal a tad about my responses and take the risks of communication
I think you know yourself well and that is a great thing according to others far older and wiser than myself. It was Marcus Arialeus<sp>? that said "above all things, know thyself"
I agree with your assessment from my practical experiences, you probably do care too much what others think and also do lack confidance, both are natural-elements in youth.. I am still both ways to a lesser extent. Taming them turned out to be my best foot forward. I mean "caring what others think?' is a very fine thing and <imo> sorely needed in this world. But don't do what I did ; "put invisible chains around myself." None of us are any better or worse than the next person, except only in our heads
Make a great day...onward through the fog!
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"Do your own research"
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