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| Thread: I am writing a book | |
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mihaitza
Hired Hero
martin had a dream
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posted February 03, 2015 01:31 AM |
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Edited by mihaitza at 23:06, 19 Dec 2015.
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I am writing a book
Just a little something for you guys. For the past five years I have been working on my fantasy novel. I have lesser free time but I tried my best to advance through it and never give my dream up. I hope that one day I am professional writer.
I want to share with you guys a small excerpt from my unfinished book. You are the very first people to see it. Please tell me what you think. This is more of a teaser, not the beginning of the story.
My story takes place in post-Apocalyptic Earth. After our planet is hit by a massive asteroid, the entire landscape changes. The oceans boil and continents are scattered into multiple islands separated by seas of lava. Crawling back from their shelters after years of living in the underground, their population having drastically dropped, the humans notice that everything on the surface was razed. However, the land is not entirely barren, because various aliens that lived on the asteroid are now shivering on the desolate rocks, clinging to life as they run out of provisions.
The humans lend them a hand, and together these different races manage to help each other rebuild what is now their common land. With much of their knowledge lost, humans fall into barbarism. Humans on each island eventually forget about the other islands, and they begin to think that their small place is the entire inhabited world.
Thousands of years pass.
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My book is set on one of these islands. It has several interweaving plots, but the main one is the struggle of my heroes to unite all the humans into one kingdom and stop the wars that have plagued the land. The two main factions are the Slavs, led by King Ivo Josipović, and the Kievans, rulled by Tsar Vladimir.
A second storyline concerns the Dwarf Radú. The Dwarves have settled in the Kievan Empire, and with their superior intellect and industrious nature, they have prospered. They have kept their real names and language secret, and Dwarves marry only other Dwarves. Over the centuries, they gathered large fortunes, and they control most of the banks and finances of the Empire. As such, and because of their small stature and numbers, they are not well viewed by Kievans, and repressions could start at any moment. Only their mutually-beneficial friendship with the ruling class of the Empire has prevented a bloodshed until now.
Radú Schechter (also known by his anglicised name Jeweltracker) is the heir of Shoeshine Shack, a diamond-mining conglomerate. His travels in the exterior have also made him friendly with other peoples, a fact that for some more conservative elements is equivalent to being tainted.
Chapter 1
The Departure of Roaturi
"Dantu sped on up the hill. Every now and again he bent to the ground. Croatians go light, and their footprints are not easy even for a Ranger to read, but not far from the top a spring crossed the path, and in the wet earth he saw what he was seeking.
'I read the signs aright,' he said to himself. 'Luka ran to the hill-top. I wonder what he saw there? But he returned by the same way, and went down the hill again.'
Dantu hesitated. He desired to go to the high seat himself, hoping to see there something that would guide him in his perplexities; but time was pressing. Suddenly he leaped forward, and ran to the summit, across the great flag-stones, and up the steps. Then sitting in the high seat he looked out. But the sun seemed darkened, and the world dim and remote. He turned from the North back again to North, and saw nothing save the distant hills, unless it were that far away he could see again a great bird like an eagle high in the air, descending slowly in wide circles down towards the earth.
Even as he gazed his quick ears caught sounds in the woodlands below, on the west side of the River. He stiffened. There were cries, and among them, to his horror, he could distinguish the harsh voices of Zorgs. Then suddenly with a deepthroated call a great horn blew, and the blasts of it smote the hills and echoed in the hollows, rising in a mighty shout above the roaring of the falls.
'The horn of Roaturi!' he cried. 'He is in need!' He sprang down the steps and away, leaping down the path. 'Alas! An ill fate is on me this day, and all that I do goes amiss. Where is Adrijan?'
As he ran the cries came louder, but fainter now and desperately the horn was blowing. Fierce and shrill rose the yells of the Zorgs, and suddenly the horn-calls ceased. Dantu raced down the last slope, but before he could reach the hill's foot, the sounds died away; and as he turned to the left and ran towards them they retreated, until at last he could hear them no more. Drawing his bright sword and crying Šubic! Šubic! he crashed through the trees.
A mile, maybe, from Gornja Dubrava in a little glade not far from the lake he found Roaturi. He was sitting with his back to a great tree, as if he was resting. But Dantu saw that he was pierced with many black-feathered arrows; his sword was still in his hand, but it was broken near the hilt; his shield cloven in two was at his side. Many Zorgs lay slain, piled all about him and at his feet.
Dantu knelt beside him. Roaturi opened his eyes and strove to speak. At last slow words came. 'I tried to take the Ring from Luka,' he said. 'I am sorry. I have paid.' His glance strayed to his fallen enemies; twenty at least lay there. 'They have gone: the Slavs: the Zorgs have taken them. I think they are not dead. Zorgs bound them.' He paused and his eyes closed wearily. After a moment he spoke again.
'Farewell, Dantu! Go to Novi Zagreb and save my people! I have failed.'
'No!' said Dantu, taking his hand and kissing his brow. 'You have conquered. Few have gained such a victory. Be at peace! Novi Zagreb shall not fall!'
Roaturi smiled.
'Which way did they go? Was Luka there?' said Dantu.
But Roaturi did not speak again.
'Alas!' said Dantu. 'Thus passes the heir of Tomislav, Lord of the Tower of Guard! This is a bitter end. Now the Company is all in ruin. It is I that have failed. Vain was Abracadabrix's trust in me. What shall I do now? Roaturi has laid it on me to go to Novi Zagreb, and my heart desires it; but where are the Ring and the Bearer? How shall I find them and save the Quest from disaster?'
He knelt for a while, bent with weeping, still clasping Roaturi's hand. So it was that Ghe and Radú found him. They came from the western slopes of the hill, silently, creeping through the trees as if they were hunting. Radú had his axe in hand, and Ghe his long knife: all his arrows were spent. When they came into the glade they halted in amazement; and then they stood a moment with heads bowed in grief, for it seemed to them plain what had happened.
'Alas!' said Ghe, coming to Dantu's side. 'We have hunted and slain many Zorgs in the woods, but we should have been of more use here. We came when we heard the horn – but too late, it seems. I fear you have taken deadly hurt.'
'Roaturi is dead,' said Dantu. 'I am unscathed, for I was not here with him. He fell defending the croatians, while I was away upon the hill.'
'The croatians!' cried Radú 'Where are they then? Where is Luka?'
'I do not know,' answered Dantu wearily. 'Before he died Roaturi told me that the Zorgs had bound them; he did not think that they were dead. I sent him to follow Misha and Mladen; but I did not ask him if Luka or Adrijan were with him: not until it was too late. All that I have done today has gone amiss. What is to be done now?'
'First we must tend the fallen,' said Ghe. 'We cannot leave him lying like carrion among these foul Zorgs.'
'But we must be swift,' said Radú. 'He would not wish us to linger. We must follow the Zorgs, if there is hope that any of our Company are living prisoners.'
'But we do not know whether the Ring-bearer is with them or not,' said Dantu.
'Are we to abandon him? Must we not seek him first? An evil choice is now before us! "
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Stevie
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted February 03, 2015 02:00 AM |
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Edited by Stevie at 02:02, 03 Feb 2015.
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This is great no doubt. I'm not a heavy reader but I was captivated to say the least. There is talent in there for sure. Things that I didn't like were "croatians and slavs" which broke my immersion, albeit just a little. Why not replace them with something else that doesn't allude to real life nationalities? Just a suggestion. You might find it relevant or have an attachment somehow to those, but the reader wouldn't know for the most part.
And another thing, I feel very much LotR in it. The situation is like Boromir's where he sounds the alarm also with a horn, gets killed with arrows, then gets comforted by Aragorn on his death bed, and to witness the scene arrive Gimli and Legolas. Then Merry and Pippin get abducted and now they must pursue and save them. Also a Ring is involved.
I hope you don't take this criticism to heart, I only intend it positively. I think you have the talent, you should persevere.
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Guide to a Great Heroes Game
The Young Traveler
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PandaTar
Responsible
Legendary Hero
Celestial Heavens Mascot
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posted March 04, 2015 08:52 PM |
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And keep in mind what Kalah suggested you back in Celestial Heavens RT: try writing an abstract of the whole thing, so people will get a holistic view of your work.
I wonder if I could ever write an abstract of my 3 books ongoing.
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted March 17, 2015 10:38 PM |
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Too hard to figure out what it was about, didn't find a reason why I should care. Do you mind giving the proper opening of your book, if this isn't it? I feel like I miss context.
(I'm a pretentious and difficult reader, don't take offense please. It is beautiful that you try to do creative work.)
I read through it again. Is this a joudan? retelling Boromir's fall with slavic names?
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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Stevie
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted March 18, 2015 04:18 AM |
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Edited by Stevie at 04:19, 18 Mar 2015.
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted March 18, 2015 04:45 AM |
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mihaitza said:
Croatians go light, and their footprints are not easy even for a Ranger to read
This part made me chuckle.
So what's the point of giving Slavic names to LotR characters?
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Eccentric Opinion
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted March 18, 2015 07:01 AM |
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Edited by artu at 07:35, 18 Mar 2015.
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I wouldnt take anyone seriously who tries to create literature in another language other then their own to begin with. Literature is a talent about language. There are exceptions like Nabakov or Umberto Eco but a) they were already masters when they tried that b) they had enormous experience with the second language they experimented with on a daily basis for years as a speaker/translator/academic etc...
You can not carry English to a literature level of aesthetics just because you can understand Wikipedia, LotR or comic magazines, it just wont work like that. Here's a little example for you, imagine you are writing about four characters, simply ordering breakfast in a diner. One is a fifteen year old teenager, one is an 80 year old senior citizen, one is a working class housewife, the other is an upper class professor. In English, can you come up with the differences in the way they speak when they order eggs and still make their dialogue sound natural and spontaneous? And this is only "keeping things real" level of things, having an artistic, unique style is not even in the horizon yet.
If you're going to spend your energy on a whole book, use your own language and dont forget to dig your own classics either. You can go English in your fifth book or whatever if you still want to.
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Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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markkur
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
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posted March 18, 2015 12:21 PM |
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artu said:
imagine you are writing about four characters, simply ordering breakfast in a diner. One is a fifteen year old teenager, one is an 80 year old senior citizen, one is a working class housewife, the other is an upper class professor. In English, can you come up with the differences in the way they speak when they order eggs
That's too easy Artu, I'll do it in Spanish AND just off the top of my head.
e tu la vampirina?
"Que? Tu comprende me Ramona! No queiro juevos, me gusta dos pop tarts, todos los dias. Mi padre teine mucho deneiro, y Margarita trabahar nunca y spendo mucho deniero!"
e tu senorita?
"Me gusta juevas con de sol - por mucha scramblamente. Yo no quero su restarante peligro."
e tu professario de English con de quatro grande ohos?
"Poached on whole wheat toast...por favor."
e finale' por no leastamo, e tu Senior vieho?
"Pardona me, donde esta mi sappatos? Er, no importante, solomente tres, y hecho in Mexico, pero no toast americano"
ps All orders came with "Juice of Orange"
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted March 18, 2015 02:10 PM |
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Stevie said:
That was too hard for you Dagoth? Really? Dude...
It's kind of annoying when people try to be like: I did a genuine effort to write something, how do you like? And then it turns out it's awful and they're like: oh, but it's intentionally awful, OHOHOHOHOHOH. Like, ironic culture has gone too far. It's too unfashionable to make some sort of genuine effort to say something of value, so everyone just resorts to pretending to be dim-witted seems to be a trend in a few circles. I guess it's funny when you're in on the joke (i.e. kaceytron/ stevie.) But a community that values people pretending to be awful is a community that's probably not going to end up some place nice.
Also, artu, I'm sure I could pull of English artistically. Though, I probably couldn't do what you said, but I couldn't do it in my own language. How do old people order eggs? Like, all I know of old people is that old women think I'm beautiful (and I am) and that old men really don't like when Moroccans drive in fancy cars. (As you can see, my knowledge of old people is poor.)
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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Stevie
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted March 18, 2015 02:48 PM |
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Oh, so you think this is all a farce and that he's being dishonest about his intentions. That the effort is not genuine but some idea of a joke.
Em, wow. Are you sure this isn't something you came up with? Because that's how it seems to me.
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Guide to a Great Heroes Game
The Young Traveler
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted March 18, 2015 03:06 PM |
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Clearly I was saying all of the above ironically.
EDIT: Oh wait, you were calling me out for finding his fiction hard to get into. Disregard what I've been saying previously. I asked if it was a farce and the first reply was: really is this too hard to figure out, dagoth? Hence my confusion.
Anyway, yeah, all the Slavic stuff is hard to get into (despite me knowing Slavic culture above layman level) and it all being medias res about some people fighting or dying by things called zorgs, that is hard to get into. I'd say I'd be surprised if you genuinely cared about this. The struggle is the least real thing I've read in a while and I've read a book recently that detailed how some princess got diarrhea for an entire chapter, just to give you some perspective.
And it's effectively a retelling of the Boromir chapter with Slavic names all jumbled up in there and Croatians instead of hobbits. I asked for more context, because it was very hard to get into or follow because I lacked the capacity to care.
But whatever, it doesn't really matter.
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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markkur
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
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posted March 19, 2015 12:16 PM |
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DagothGares said:
And it's effectively a retelling of the Boromir chapter with Slavic names all jumbled up in there and Croatians instead of hobbits.
<imo> You are on target Dagoth. The post is what is known as plagiarism and usually thought very illegal, especially by other writers.  Even if today it seems more people are willing to walk a very thin line.
Could the person have meant he has spent 15 years making a "translation?" Nah, this story was first written in English, so that doesn't work.
Btw, I can't believe not a single Spanish speaker grilled my purposed effort. Maybe they all knew I was only taking the long way to prove Artu's challenge was a good one. I knew before starting; my serious effort would still be seriously awful. 
@ Artu
I have to say, after I wrote my jest I thought; "Too bad for me Artu does not know Spanish well, he'd would bust a gut reading my masterpiece."
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Stevie
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted March 19, 2015 12:27 PM |
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markkur said:
Btw, I can't believe not a single Spanish speaker grilled my purposed effort. Maybe they all knew I was only taking the long way to prove Artu's challenge was a good one. I knew before starting; my serious effort would still be seriously awful.
I noticed.
____________
Guide to a Great Heroes Game
The Young Traveler
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted March 20, 2015 09:03 AM |
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Edited by artu at 09:16, 20 Mar 2015.
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So, the mountain guy also speaks Spanish, you keep on surprising me, Markkur.
@DG
Of course, there is no precise, specific uniqueness in the way (sentence) an 80 year old order eggs, that's just an example for casual, everyday talk. And an 80 year old, belonging to a different generation, will have a different sense of manners, slang, etiquette, vocabulary. That's a hard thing to artificially recreate when it's not a constant social (and linguistic) experience you go through. English is the global lingua franca and in this age, with the level of communication technology we have, it's almost like a second mother tongue to many of us. If you focus, I guess you can get artistic in English as you claim. You can pull off a poem or a short story. But a novel (and a first one) with many characters from different backgrounds, written in a second language is... let me just say, it would be a rare case.
Dont let me be the one to crush your ambitious dreams though, you are welcome to try.
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Are you pretty? This is my occasion. - Ghost
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