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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: Tell me if u like this poem or not
Thread: Tell me if u like this poem or not This thread is 2 pages long: 1 2 · NEXT»
Lilia_VaBay
Lilia_VaBay


Hired Hero
posted July 31, 2003 12:30 AM

Tell me if u like this poem or not

Eyes of Emerald


She is the Lady of Darkness
She feeds from the pathetic beings
called humans
Hiding in the alley way
She wields eyes of emerald

Her eyes haunt those whom have seen her
Her charm has seduced male humans
for years and years
This path she didn't choose by choice
This path was force upon her

Kazumi is her name
Syrin is her master, for he was
fond of her powerful will
Syrin haunts Kazumi
Kazumi fears Syrin

She is half vampiress
She is half human,
but she is stronger than all humans
The human goodness within her makes her stronger
The human goodness within her also makes her weaker in Syrin's eyes

She is the Lady of Darkness
She feeds from the pathetic beings
called humans
She pities the humans
She wields eyes of emerald
____________

"The greatest gift of life is to love and be loved in return"

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RMS
RMS


Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
posted July 31, 2003 12:42 AM

That's supposed to be a poem?

Well, it is...long and it um...has a nice title?
____________
This space for rent.

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I
I


Famous Hero
posted July 31, 2003 12:44 AM

She definetelly needs  a boyfriend.

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Lilia_VaBay
Lilia_VaBay


Hired Hero
posted July 31, 2003 12:45 AM

-^.^- , thanx. Have u read dragon Bride yet? I love Fantasy Poetry. It is the only thing I'm really good at cuz I kind suck at writing novels. *sigh* I fear leaving my own seat cuz I'm surounded by my brothers stupid friends. SAVE ME!
____________

"The greatest gift of life is to love and be loved in return"

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Lilia_VaBay
Lilia_VaBay


Hired Hero
posted July 31, 2003 12:47 AM

WTF?! I do have a boyfriend. -_-.......I don't like being insaulted.
____________

"The greatest gift of life is to love and be loved in return"

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I
I


Famous Hero
posted July 31, 2003 01:02 AM

Lol, You should tell him That you should be treated with dpecial care.

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silx87
silx87


Supreme Hero
posted July 31, 2003 01:09 AM

nice,I guess

I gotta better poem,no tme right now,remind me later,mah sisters a psycho,she reads all sortsa poems n stuff,shes a werd artist kinda person.
____________

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Sir_Stiven
Sir_Stiven


Honorable
Legendary Hero
banned
posted July 31, 2003 01:11 AM

Quote:
WTF?! I do have a boyfriend. -_-.......I don't like being insaulted.

whats the point in asking people about how they think about stuff when you cant take a negative answer?

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RMS
RMS


Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
posted July 31, 2003 01:13 AM

Well I think that's a way them women folk get to practice for their reigns of terror, and unleash the horrors within when you don't agree.


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I
I


Famous Hero
posted July 31, 2003 01:26 AM

Man, I am really terrified. Good thing thati don't have a girlfriend.

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RMS
RMS


Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
posted July 31, 2003 01:37 AM

I was actually referring to marriage, but yes I suppose you have a point.
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I
I


Famous Hero
posted July 31, 2003 02:07 AM

A wife!!!

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

I will never get Married

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Lilia_VaBay
Lilia_VaBay


Hired Hero
posted July 31, 2003 02:02 PM

Look, this poem is about a vampiress who does nothin but kill and torcher human males. Her "Relitive", Syrin, harasses her. I made Kazumi up, so I should know her story quite well.
____________

"The greatest gift of life is to love and be loved in return"

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RMS
RMS


Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
posted July 31, 2003 02:12 PM

Yes yes, that's all good (or something) but where's the emotion? Where's the feeling?
Aren't we supposed to somehow relate to it or be touched by the moving words? Shouldn't be somehow feel we were somehow blessed today and the day is now not quite the same as it was before? Should a poem be even more heartless and even more cold than the gloomiest painting? It doesn't matter what it's talking about, it's such a dead and lifeless poem. I am not even able to conjure up dead corpses, the cemetaries, the dark and gloomy forboding building at the end of the street- and where are the brain eaters?
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Lilia_VaBay
Lilia_VaBay


Hired Hero
posted July 31, 2003 02:19 PM

Sorry but could you shorten what you're trying to tell me what's wrong with the poem. I knew that it wasn't as good as Dragon Bride. Where do I need to work the feeling? Maybe you can help me with my poetry. i'd really like help after working alone in my poetic life.
____________

"The greatest gift of life is to love and be loved in return"

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RMS
RMS


Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
posted July 31, 2003 02:48 PM

In short, it sounds almost like another "average" classified ad in the newspaper.

Then again, I rarely read the newspaper (tv and internet is faster) so I'm not sure.
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bort
bort


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
posted July 31, 2003 03:19 PM

Here's why people read poetry :

They can relate to it.  It speaks to our emotions, or dreams, our hopes, our experiences.  This does not.  I guarantee you that a half vampire will never read this poem.  It would be one thing if this had been set up as a metaphor for the human condition, but it hasn't.

There is also little to no structure to the poem.  The third stanza, the last two lines are suddenly much longer than the lines have been before, breaking with whatever rhythm and metre there was.  Constructing poetry is different from constructing prose.  This is simply prose that has been artificially broken into lines and stanzas and stripped of punctuation.  It reads like a paragraph, not a poem.

Plus what RMS said.
____________
Drive by posting.

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I
I


Famous Hero
posted July 31, 2003 06:04 PM

Um.. What poem?

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RMS
RMS


Responsible
Legendary Hero
-ing yummy foods
posted July 31, 2003 09:46 PM

Well at first glance it does look like a poem, at least a little bit doesn't it? However, I must say that the syntax is a bit choppoy and the lines change abruptly. I believe that idea is to make it flow or create some sort of dramatic affect perhaps, but it just seems so random.
To be frank with you, there are many things wrong with this so called poem but I'll try to point out a few things to help you out on path towards nirvana.


Quote:
She feeds from the pathetic beings

I could be mistaken, but this looks funny and perhaps you didn't mean to say this. To me it sounds like "pathetic beings" is some kind of a trough or something. On the other hand, if she feeds off of these beings, then I suppose that makes more sense.


Quote:
Her charm has seduced male humans

Ok, there's definately something wrong here. You have this half-vampire stalking around eating people, and you refer to them as male humans? Seduced men seems to fit the context better, or perhaps "seduced countless men"?


Quote:
This path she didn't choose by choice

Pardon my saying so, but is this not a paradox? It contradicts itself. When you choose something, doesn't that naturally imply that you've made a choice? "Free will" may be the term you're searching for.


Quote:
She feeds from the pathetic beings
called humans
She pities the humans

This I just don't get. If this is a self-contained poem, which I assume it is, then there's something missing. I don't understand why she pities them. What I see is that she pities humans so she eats them. Unless there's more reason than just because she's hungry, that seems illogical.

One last gripe I have is the whole thing about the "eyes of emerald". What's this all about? Since it's in the title, the reader assumes that there will be some sort of explanation of what this has to do with the "story" being told. Throughout the whole thing, all I can find are the two references to to her wielding eyes of emerald. "Eyes of emerald" itself is a bit too vague and mysterious. Maybe it's just me but when I read it I first thought it was referring to green eyes. If that is it, then do people usually wield eyes? I mean in all fairness, I'm not sure anyone's choice of weapon would be a pair of eyes. In my opinion it isn't as easy to conclude but it is possible that these are some otherworldly weapons or some crazy artifacts that spit out acid, but since it doesn't explain, I as the reader have to go back to assuming that this crazed deluded creature just ripped out some poor guy's eyes and is now whacking people with them.



Now, maybe to some this would be the greatest masterpiece of this generation and it speaks to people, but if so then I am deaf to its calling.
____________
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Lilia_VaBay
Lilia_VaBay


Hired Hero
posted July 31, 2003 11:30 PM

Thank you, very much for the help. I'll try to get around to fixing it, then I'll let you read it again
____________

"The greatest gift of life is to love and be loved in return"

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