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| Thread: HFC: Orc Crusades | |
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Echo_
Tavern Dweller
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posted March 29, 2006 08:13 PM |
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HFC: Orc Crusades
[bold]YSD 504:[/bold] [italics]The Haven fleet’s excursion towards the Barrier Islands in hopes of eradicating the last of the Orcs[/italics]
A sunny morning dawns on the Falcon Empire as thousands of armor-clad men file onto boats that will either take them to their deaths or to their life’s most accomplished feat. The feat of being able to write a final chapter to the long and tedious Orc Crusades.
Emperor Ragnar is standing on the highest balcony of his castle which overlooks the unpromising yet jubilant blue sea. The water shimmers in the sun as the soft wind blows ripples through the large mass. Ragnar is preparing himself to bid his armada goodbye and good hunting on their crusade to the infamously mysterious Barrier Islands.
“We set out on this journey together and our goal was to conquer and convert those pesky Orcs together.” The Emperor continues, “We have bleed many battles and lost many great men to the cause but do not falter from the task at hand. When, not if, you return after your battle all of you who have served here today will be remembered in song and tale. We will have triumphed together! Go now. For Honor! Order! And DUTY!”
As the Emperor sounds his last words a loud roar erupts from the ships below and the fleet takes off with the seasonally warm south winds at their back and sails strung high. The men are waved off by their wives and other townsfolk who relish the soldiers’ opportunity to serve their Empire and become a true crusader.
*****
The Orc Crusades which began in YSD 467 have taken far longer than anyone could have fathomed. For 27 years the Orc Crusades having been raging on all due to an Orcish rebellion in that began in the seven cities. The rebellion eventually grew larger and spread to Haven and since that day the Orcs have been forced out of their homelands and scattered to different parts of the globe. The areas where Orcs are now know to reside are the western low-land deserts, the flat plains located in the snowy northeast just beyond the treacherous Trangion mountain pass, and, lastly, the Barrier Islands which lie to the east of the Flacon Empire. These islands of refuge became a safe haven for the Orcs when they discovered the remote land mass in the middle of the great ocean. The spot is envied by many because it’s easily defended from any type of invasion force and is somewhat isolated from other societies. This gives the Orcs their long overdue quiet living area.
The Barrier Islands consist of two main islands with a branch of smaller, less important land masses located in a semi circle surrounding the two larger islands. The area is a very well defended spot due to unusually large mountain passes that are documented as being located on or around the coastline of the two bigger islands. These natural barriers give invaders only one strip of coastline, measuring approximately 100 meters in length, to land and attack from. It’s also rumored that the Orcs did not pick the Barrier Islands by accident. It is said that the Orc Chief struck a deal with a creature known as a lich who protects the island with the souls of the sailors who have lost their lives on the sharp rocks and thru various other ways surrounding the Barrier Islands.
Even though it had been whispered that such a creature as this lich could exist Emperor Ragnar did not believe in such nonsense as to think souls could raise from the dead from a being, who he himself, was dead. The order to eliminate the main stronghold of the Orc resistance was given as soon as scouts reported to have spotted trade ships coming in and out of the lone port that connects the Barrier Islands to the outside world.
*****
As the sky darkens day become night sooner than the Haven fleet would have expected A warring noise is heard in the distance. This warlike volley is the beat of a drum in the rhythm of a slow, two thump pattern followed by alternating three and four bangs that are quick and shrill. This sound is that of the enemy; of the foul incestuous Orcs. The echo of the Orcs tells the soldiers that the Barrier Islands are near and that at least this time the Orcs are not running away.
“Get geared up men. Make sure armor is strapped on tight and weapons ready. The wind is picking up and it will be harder to make a strategic landing so keep a firm grip. Helm! Take us in.”
“Yes sir.” The wind begins to rock the usually seaworthy vessels in an east to west motion. At the same time, the ocean waves start growing in size at an alarming rate and the Haven fleet starts to take in water. Already, some of the smaller ships have capsized and it looks as if the storm will only increase in ferocity.
“Hold tight men. We just have to make it to one of the Islands.” Just then a crack as loud as a titan’s lightning bolt is heard and the boat begins to sink. The whole haven fleet has become a victim of the same fate as the sea tosses the remaining wooden parts of once glorious war vessels like a child tosses grass into the wind. Soon thereafter the screaming stops, the beating stops, and the storm stops. They all stop and once again the Barrier Islands have fallen silent in the dark of night.
*****
Upon hearing the news of his lost fleet, Emperor Ragnar immediately ordered for more troops to be sent to the Barrier Islands but than quickly realized with counsel from his military commander that to send a large enough force would leave the Empire's forces stretched too thin. Quickly, he calmed down and thought that the destruction must have been a sign from the Dragons. With his conciseness cleared and mind free Emperor Ragnar formally ended the Orc Crusades.
To this day some still think the Lich was the one who caused the fleet to sink on that dreary summer night and not a storm as the history books will tell you. They say he needed more souls to fuel his army of undead so that one day he would be strong enough to rise up against the land of the living. Others think that the Lich created the storm not to destroy the Haven fleet but to turn the ships away in hopes that they would give up and leave the Orcs alone. Whichever theory one decides to believe know that there will always be facts that are shrouded in mystery.
It is rumored that when the Orcs went out the next day to look for remains they found no treasure, no shipwrecked boats, and no bodies. Another rumor is from an orc who swears he was at Barrier Island on that fateful night; he says he saw an uncountable number of pirate ships. The ships converged from the left, right, and from around the two main islands that made up the core of the defense for the Orcs. He says they were all headed in a direct collision course with the Haven fleet.
Of course, history writes that the storm was an omen from the Dragons to halt the Orc Crusades. If so, than the Dragons have succeeded but why stop your own worshippers from invading a hostile force? Do they have an ultimate plan for the people of the Falcon Empire or was this just a sample of the power that they possess? This event will forever be under scrutiny and will always be shrouded in half-truths mixed with white lies. The only pieces we can draw from this episode in the history of the Falcon Empire is that thousands of warriors have died in a less than clear way and that a powerful Lich may be lurking around or on the Barrier Islands.
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Any type of feedback is welcome. Please don't be afraid to be mean or angry and of course don't hold back if think I'm great  .
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The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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baklava
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Mostly harmless
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posted March 29, 2006 09:38 PM |
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Where should I start?
OK, this is all-in-all a good story, but...
First, you told me how the relativity to history can lower the originality of the story. Yet this story is about an historic event.
Second, quote: "Even though it had been whispered that such a creature as this lich could exist Emperor Ragnar did not believe in such nonsense as to think souls could raise from the dead from a being, who he himself, was dead."
Either this sentence doesn't make sense, or I'm such a retard I couldn't understand it. Possibly both. And I think there's more sentences like this further in the text.
Third of all, it says here that the orcs were fowl, evil and incestual creatures. Think about the concequences those claims will have when orc-lovers read the story. You forget that the orcs are neutral in Heroes, and that, by the storyline, they were slaughtered just because they didn't wish to be slaves any longer.
There's also some other detailes that could be better: the emperor's speech in the beginning of the story was somewhat irrealistic. The emperor's name (Ragnar) also doesn't sound too good because of the allusion to the Nordic armageddon (Ragnarok). By the way, isn't that also the name of some boss from the World of Warcraft?
The list goes on and on... Try to work on this story a bit more, it looks like it has been written too quickly. You could also try to clean it from some grammar mistakes and add more signs of interpunction.
Like you said, "I'm just trying to help a fellow writer".
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Zeldor
Known Hero
The Bringer of Pestilence
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posted March 30, 2006 09:58 AM |
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Echo:
That story is simply boring, you have written that in the style that makes it almost impossible to read till the end. Tons of grammar, stylistic and other mistakes. Narration is boring, there is nothing that could interest reader.
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friendofgunnar
Honorable
Legendary Hero
able to speed up time
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posted March 31, 2006 12:18 AM |
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To echo:
If you are a non-native speaker then I say congratulations on your good work. You should know however that this line right here is really hilarious:
Quote:
...either take them to their deaths or to their life’s most accomplished feat. The feat of being able to write a final chapter to the long and tedious Orc Crusades.
If you are a native speaker then I recommend you sit back, relax, and imagine that somebody is reading your story back to you. If you hear something that doesn't sound quite right then play around with the sentence structure, maybe combine a couple of sentences, or maybe break one off to make it's own sentence. Many times it takes several edits to get something that reads smoothly. You should also know however that this line right here is really hilarious:
Quote:
...either take them to their deaths or to their life’s most accomplished feat. The feat of being able to write a final chapter to the long and tedious Orc Crusades.
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