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Heroes Community > Heroes 5 - Temple of Ashan > Thread: Heroes of Might and Magic Laugh In
Thread: Heroes of Might and Magic Laugh In [ This thread is 3 pages long: (1) 2 3 ]
Zamfir
Zamfir


Promising
Supreme Hero
posted October 29, 2008 03:26 PM
Edited by zamfir at 15:27, 29 Oct 2008.

Heroes of Might and Magic Laugh In

Dude, let's make sumthin like... a funny thread. Just post your funny stories/jokes/comics etc. about HoMM V. What else should I say? Laugh In.

I'll post Heroes in a Nutshell. I'm not the author, but I found this juicy little thing on the Net. What do you think?


The Will of Asha - Chapter 1: Last Soul Standing

Ornella: Hi, I’m your everyday Griffin countess turned servant of darkness. You may remember me from the standalone mission in the last game.

Giovanni: Bla! I am poor and have no horse! Now listen up. We must impress Arantir.

Ornella: Wait, who’s Arantir?

Giovanni: Why, he is the most powerful necromancer ever! He has long, beautiful raven hair and a fair complexion. Why, just thinking about him makes me–

Ornella: Okay, okay. I get the picture. How will we impress him?

Giovanni: We will capture the city of Illuma-nadin and hand it to him. You do the work and I’ll take the credit. Bla!

Ornella: Whoa, these undead soldiers are pink!

Giovanni: Yes. These pink troops are just what we need to impress High Lord Arantir. Bla!

Ornella: Yay! I captured Illuma-nadin!

Arantir: I am most impressed. Asha uses all.

Ornella: What the– Where’d you suddenly come from?

Giovanni: See! I told you he would be impressed. Bla!

Arantir: You serve us well, Ornella. Abracadabra! You’re a necromancer now. Asha uses all.

Giovanni: Die!

Arantir: I knew you were trying to kill me the moment you started running at me slowly with your sword raised while screaming. Now, die. Asha uses all.

Giovanni: Noooo.

Ornella: I had no idea my master made me run around the map putting together elemental keys and raising armies just so he could try and kill you, honest!

Arantir: That’s okay. I don’t kill beautiful women.





The Will of Asha - Chapter 2: The Grim Crusade

Arantir: Asha uses all.

Ornella: What’s the matter, honey?

Arantir: Demons walk this land. Asha has commanded me to rid the world of demons! Therefore, we must! Asha uses all.

Ornella: You know, you probably could have helped out back when the demons invaded the Griffin Empire… or that time when that demon army ran through Irollan… or when…

Random Mage: Blah blah blah! Reveal Dark Messiah spoilers. You’ll be killed by a child. Blah blah!

Arantir: Despicable! Blasphemy! These wizards are worshiping demons! I hate demons! Let’s get a move on! Asha uses all.

Random Mage: You’ll never capture our city. We have erected a big energy barrier. It’s so powerful tha–

Arantir: Is that an underground passage I see? Asha indeed uses all.

Random Mage: D’oh!





The Will of Asha - Chapter 3: The Bull’s Wake


Arantir: So… the man responsible for the demon cult is named Orlando. That’s a peculiar name. Asha uses all.

Ornella: Time to run through the town and find undead cultists masquerading as normal people! This is just like that mission in that Blizzard game–

Arantir: No! This is nothing like that game. Now start the mission! Asha uses all.

Ornella: Hello, plebians.

Brute: I am a skeleton.

Ornella: What have we here?

Brute: I am also skeleton.

Arantir: Good job. You’ve raised quite an army (har har, no pun intended). Asha uses all.

Ornella: I saved some treasure chests for you.

Arantir: Good. I will continue to boost my stats while you run ahead and take care of business.

Ornella: Hello, Orlando!

Orlando: Goodbye, Ornella!

Arantir: Darn, he got away. Looks like we won’t get to him until the next mission. Oh well. Asha uses all.





The Will of Asha - Chapter 4: Beasts and Bones

Orlando: Ha ha. You can’t catch me.

Arantir: Oooh! He really grinds my gears!

Ornella: Steve… what are you doing here? I thought we agreed we’d stop seeing each other.

Champion: Ornella… you broke my heart. You left me for that terrible man. He didn’t even have a horse!

Ornella: I told you, we needed to move on. We needed a change. It’s not you. It’s me.

Champion: *sob* For your father’s sake, I will tell you that the demon cult regards Flammschrein as its base of operations. But the way is difficult. You should take the secret, underground path that only I know about.

Arantir: We’ll take it. Asha uses all. Even ex-boyfriends.

Champion: Heh heh.

Arantir: Boy, this tunnel’s getting pretty hot. Asha uses all.

Demon Army: You just got ambushed, boy!

Arantir: No. It is I who has ambushed you! Asha uses all.

Demon Army: Nooooo.

Arantir: You lied to us. Now you die. Asha uses all.

Champion: Nooooo.

Ornella: Men.

Arantir: Now we’ll close this demon portal. Asha uses all.

Inquisitor: Please don’t kill me. I just want to remind you that not all Haven troops are bad, just the ones that wear red.

Arantir: I want to kill you, but I can’t. The mouse turns into a sword, but I can’t click on you. Asha uses all.

Ornella: Die orcs!

Arantir: Hello orc lady. Nice boobs. Asha uses all.

Kujin: I am a shaman. I am not the leader. You are the spider. The bones tell a tale. There is great danger coming. You will determine the future of Ashan. There is a Skull of Shadows you must find. I am most impressed by you. We also hate the demons. You’ll meet me in the next campaign again. I talk a lot.

Arantir: Nice going. Orlando got away again.

Ornella: Asha uses all?

Arantir: Good. You’re learning. Asha uses all.





The Will of Asha - Chapter 5: Heart of Darkness


Arantir: It’s time to go capture Flammschrein, kill Orlando, and get rid of these demons once and for all. Asha uses all!

Ornella: Ooh! Reinforcements come every week. I like this.

Arantir: Asha uses all. Who are you guys?

Succubi: Ha ha ha! You can’t defeat us! There are flames everywhere! I dare you to take another step!

Arantir: Oh yeah? Watch this!

Arantir: Ahhhh! Game over.

Arantir: Darn. Now I have to load my game and replay the last 15 turns. Asha uses all…

Succubi: Neener-neener-nee-ner!

Ornella: Let’s just stick with the main quest and go to Flammschrein. Wait a minute, there’s electricity everywhere.

Lord Fulbert: Yo. A bunch of assassins killed me in my sleep. Avenge me.

Arantir: You can count on me. Asha uses all.

Lord Fulbert: By the way, you can remove this magical barrier by putting one of your lame apprentices on each of the ritual sites next to the towns.

Arantir: Let’s see… we’ll put Kaspar here… and Raven here… and Zoltan here. That leaves one more…

Ornella: Please use my body for the last sacrifice. Be gentle. I’m fragile.

Arantir: Asha uses all.

Lord Fulbert: Congratulations! You dispelled the barrier and killed all your necromancers in the process. By the way, did you kill those assassins I told you about earlier?

Arantir: Uh, I’m working on it. Asha uses all.

Assassins: Wahh! Don’t kill us please. We can help you take care of some unfinished business and then leave this land forever.

Arantir: It’s a deal. Asha uses all.

Assassins: Die, succubi!

Succubi: EXPLODE!

Arantir: And that’s the end of that. Asha uses all.

Lord Fulbert: You dick! Why didn’t you kill the assassins like I asked? Now I’ll wander these lands, forever restless and damned.

Arantir: At last, Flammschrein. Orlando has no way out, except through the boneyard. Yuk yuk. I’m so witty. Asha uses all.

Orlando: I was a demon all along!

Arantir: Asha uses all. Die!

Orlando: Noooo! My quadruple-firing ballista was destroyed on the first turn by your liches.

Arantir: And now, to explode the entire city! But first, let me walk into this mysterious, unnamed building. Asha uses all.

Arch Devils: Rawr! We’re here to make the ending cinematic feel longer without adding real substance!

Arantir: Boom! Boom! Whoops, I shattered a strange crystal.

Isabel’s Spirit: What’s going on? Why am I here? They stole my baby! They put him in a really buggy FPS!

Arantir: What the f*ck are you doing here? I thought you were with Raelag on a secret honeymoon.

Isabel’s Spirit: No, I’ve been in this crystal the whole time. My body managed to reanimate on its own and take on my exact personality for the duration of the previous expansion.

Arantir: Whatever. I release you. Asha uses all.

Isabel’s Spirit: What luck! My empty shell of a body is out on the field commanding a bunch of troops.
Real Isabel: Oh no. My soul just entered into my body. I am now complete… or something like that.

Fake Isabel: Too many Isabels! It’s time for Plan B.

Biara: Presto! One less Isabel!

Alaric: WHOA! WHAT THE F*CK! I TOTALLY HAD NO IDEA!

Demons: Kill! Kill!

Arantir: Asha. I have set everything into motion, just as you asked. Now, I will wander off. Be sure to play Dark Messiah to find out what happens to me. Asha uses all.







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alcibiades Online
alcibiades

Hero of Order
and Light
posted October 29, 2008 03:31 PM

Quote:
Giovanni: Why, he is the most powerful necromancer ever! He has long, beautiful raven hair and a fair complexion. Why, just thinking about him makes me–

Ornella: Okay, okay. I get the picture. How will we impress him?

Giovanni: We will capture the city of Illuma-nadin and hand it to him. You do the work and I’ll take the credit. Bla!

Ornella: Whoa, these undead soldiers are pink!

Giovanni: Yes. These pink troops are just what we need to impress High Lord Arantir. Bla!




Epic.
____________
Heroes 7 - News overview | Heroes 7 - Discussion thread

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Elvin
Elvin

Hero of Order
Stillness within Movement
posted October 29, 2008 03:33 PM

Sounds like something I'd expect from Nival
____________
So the next time your cat leaves a bleeding, twitching corpse on your doormat, remember that she loves you and is just trying to bring out your inner predator.

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Adrius
Adrius


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
KHORNATE
posted October 29, 2008 03:34 PM

Quote:
Arantir: We’ll take it. Asha uses all. Even ex-boyfriends.

Arantir: I want to kill you, but I can’t. The mouse turns into a sword, but I can’t click on you. Asha uses all.

Arantir: Hello orc lady. Nice boobs. Asha uses all.


LOL! These ones made my day... Arantir ftw!
____________
"I like the patriarchy. I like women."
- JeremiahEmo

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Zamfir
Zamfir


Promising
Supreme Hero
posted October 29, 2008 03:39 PM

Good that you liked it. Let me continue.


To Honor our Fathers - Chapter 1: Collecting Skulls


Quroq: Avenge me!

Gotai: Rawr! Gotai not speak English good! Nasty steel men will pay! Father Sky this! Mother Earth that!

Kujin: The clan has no leader. Now, we will reveal how orcs choose their next Khan.

Gotai: If even puny dark elves have bloody battle royale to death, Gotai can’t wait to see what mighty orcs do to choose leader!

Kujin: Both of you will collect 1,000 skulls.

Gotai: Collect skull? This sound violent! Gotai am happy! Uh… you mean collect 1,000 skulls of rival orcs, right?

Kujin: No, I mean to kill some puny peasants.

Gotai: Oh. Er… well… can Gotai visit far away lands on epic skull collecting quest?

Kujin: No, they live right outside our camp.

Gotai: Oh.

Kujin: Ready, set, go!

Gotai: Here is bag of 1,000 skulls. Gotai ask goblins nicely. They did work for me.

Kujin: Congratulations, Gotai! You’re the new Khan!

Gotai: That was pointless.

Rabble Rousing Rival: Not so fast, Gotai! Me think me should be great Khan! Me challenge you!

Gotai: Doink!

Rabble Rousing Rival: Ahh. Me am slain. You powerful after all.

Gotai: Gotai is tired of standing around waiting for necklace of Kujin to fall off. Want war! Want to pulverize steel men and avenge Quroq.

Kujin: Go, Gotai! And take your 1,000 skulls with you!





To Honor our Fathers - Chapter 2: One Khan, One Clan

Gotai: Gotai is off to ravage lands of steel men and kill Alaric, priest of red queen. Avenge Quroq! Honor Kunyak!

Kujin: You do that. I’ll visit the northern tribes and tell them you’re in charge now. We’ll meet up later.

Gotai: Mother earth! Father sky! Blah blah blah! *runs off*

Kujin: These northern clans are powerful indeed. I must approach them in peace, or risk leaving in pieces.

Osol-Aih Chief: What you want, shaman!

Kujin: Gotai is your new Khan.

Osol-Aih Chief: Oh. Do we have to do anything?

Kujin: Not really.

Osol-Aih Chief: Har har har! Why didn’t you say so earlier? Let’s party!

Kujin: Partay! Partay! Woooooo!

Osol-Aih Chief: Shake that thang!

Kujin: Well, that was easy. But this next chief might not be so happy. He’s all armored and stuff.

Baishin-gal Chief: What!? Gotai is the Khan now? This is the greatest news ever in the history of orcish news! I’ve never been happier in my life.

Kujin: You’re taking it well.

Baishin-gal Chief: Shut up. Let’s party!

Kujin: Partay! Partay! Woooooo!

Baishin-gal Chief: Yeah baby, you so fine. You so fine you blow my mind!

Kujin: Hmm… the next tribe lives on an island to the north. Time to find a shipyard.

Dark Elf: Unbelievable! Orcs at sea?

Kujin: Unbelievable! Dark elves on the surface?

Dark Elf: Well, they had to find an excuse to put us in the game and show off the new dungeon units.

Kujin: Hope they enjoy your new death animations!

Dark Elf: Nooooo!

Kujin: This tribe was hard to find.

Harakh Chief: Greetings! We hate outsiders! We hate change! We especially hate it when there is new Khan!

Kujin: Good news, things are a-changing! An outsider named Gotai is your new Khan!

Harakh Chief: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Okay, let’s party!

Kujin: Partay! Partay! Woooooo!

Harakh Chief: Yeah! Orcs gone wild!

Kujin: Well, that’s that. The mission should end now.

Harakh Chief: Not so fast. Although the original mission objectives told you to contact three tribes, there is actually one more to the south.

Kujin: That’s so pesky.

Pesky Orcs: We are chauvinist pigs. Nya nya!

Kujin: How rude.

Pesky Orcs: We have balls and you don’t. Nya nya!

Kujin: Sigh. Looks like no amount of diplomacy is going to work here.

Pesky Orcs: Mmm… crow.

Ull-Dash Chief: Shaman, we will not follow Quroq. He does not listen to the wisdom of…

Kujin: Gotai is the Khan now, not Quroq.

Ull-Dash Chief: Oh. Why didn’t you say so earlier? Let’s party!

Kujin: Partay! Partay! Woooooo!





To Honor our Fathers - Chapter 3: Father Sky’s Fury


Gotai: Gotai ready to destroy steel men. Pain from years of slavery make Gotai red with anger!

Khengi: Go get ‘em, Gotai!

Gotai: Gotai head hurt. Who are you?

Khengi: I’m your new goblin sidekick. I have no real purpose in the story except to die later. But I’m introduced now so that my death later will have more of an impact.

Gotai: Gotai confused. Will ignore you for time being.

Demons: Oh no. We’ve been discovered.

Gotai: Demons!? The greatest enemies of orcs? Gotai add demons to already long list of things orcs hate!

Catapult Army: Eat fiery death!

Gotai: Gotai add you to list also!

Catapult Army: Ahhh! Run away!

Gotai: Now Gotai able to use catapult to destroy castles of steel men!

Blue Army: Die, red army!

Red Army: Die, blue army!

Gotai: Hmm. Gotai think blue army and red army not like each other. No matter! Gotai kill both armies and destroy all cities!





To Honor our Fathers - Chapter 4: Mother Earth’s Wisdom

Kujin: I must’ve taken a wrong turn in Albuquerque because I’m suddenly in a valley.

Mystic Man: Talk to me, and I’ll transport you!

Kujin: Please transport me.

Mystic Man: No.

Kujin: What is this, a game?

Mystic Man: Your wisdom isn’t high enough.

Kujin: What kind of a reason is that? Why does it even matter?

Mystic Man: Because I’m an elitist prick, that’s why! Now go and get smarter.

Kujin: I’m done murdering the wolves in the countryside. Mother Earth’s not too happy, but I am wiser.

Mystic Man: Wherever you go, there you are! WHOOSH!

Kujin: That was annoying. Wait a minute… he teleported me near another the tent!

Mystic Man’s Brother: We don’t provide solutions. We just jerk you around!

Kujin: What sick thrill do you people get by living in random huts in the middle of nowhere and refusing to transport people because they’re not smart enough?

Mystic Man’s Brother: Your tears of anguish sustain us.

Kujin: Fine, I’ll go find some wisdom-boosting artifacts or something.

Paladin: Orcs! At our funeral!

Kujin: Even though it has nothing to do with the situation, I just wanted to let you guys know that we never kill kids. We’re bloodthirsty orcs, with moral limits.

Blue Priest: Yeah. That’s a bit off-topic.

Kujin: So, what-cha up to?

Blue Priest: We’re burying the departed Prince Andrei, nephew of St. Isabel.

Paladin: He was the last heir of the Griffin Empire. You never really got to play as him in the last game. But everyone sort of mentioned him from time to time.

Blue Priest: St. Isabel ordered that he should be killed and his blood drained for the good of the kingdom. His skin should be flayed and fed to demon dogs. Also, we were to erect a monolith to Urgash, the ’satan’ of our world.

Kujin: And nobody thought this was the least bit suspicious?

Blue Priest: Hindsight is 20/20 my friend.

Kujin: It’s hard for things to get past that big steel head of yours, isn’t it?

Blue Priest: *crickets chirp*

Kujin: So… who are you guys?

Blue Priest: We’re a resistance movement against the Empire. Us good guys wear blue. The bad guys wear red.

Kujin: Thanks. I’ll make sure to only kill guys in red.

Mystic Man’s Brother: Wherever you go, there you are! WHOOSH!

Kujin: These mountains are making me dizzy. But at least the army I raised is intact to help Gotai.

Demons: Kill! Kill!

Kujin: Well, so much for that. I hope Gotai enjoys his 7 goblins and 1 centaur.

Arantir: Greetings, shaman.

Kujin: You again?

Arantir: Actually, this is the first time we’ve met. This campaign takes place at the same time as my campaign.

Kujin: I see. So we’re just looking at an earlier cutscene from a different perspective.





To Honor our Fathers - Chapter 5: Hunting the Hunter

Alaric: My queen, I have brought you Quroq’s head. Those orcs sure did suck at battle.

Arantir: This is the part where I shatter the crystal and Isabel’s spirit goes back to her body.

Isabel’s Spirit: Whooooosh!

Biara: Reveal!

Alaric: What!? Noooooooo! I thought all the blood sacrifices and unholy rituals were to serve the greater good!

Biara: Ha ha. You’ve been helping a demon this entire time!

Alaric: *cuckoo cuckoo*

Biara: Heart of the Griffin! Prince’s blood! Demons, come forth!

Demons: Time to smash houses!

Gotai: Gotai must visit city where orcs born; touch grave of Kunyak. Only then will orcs respect leadership of Gotai.

Khengi: Yippie!

Gotai: Fortified garrisons surround city of Shahibdiya. Orcs must be patient. Lay siege to nearby steel men city.

Khengi: Go get ‘em boss!

Wizards: You bad, bad orcs! We wizards won’t soon forget this act of war!

Gotai: At last, Gotai has captured all wizard cities and found birthplace of orcs. Kunyak, guide orcs. Give us direction. Help Gotai lead with wisdom and strength.

Alaric: Yoo-hoo!

Gotai: Alaric! Time to pay for death of Quroq. Gotai burns with great rage!

Alaric: Oh, behave!

Gotai: Look at my cyclops army. Vastly outnumber your archers and knights. Give up now and maybe I show mercy.

Alaric: You crazy demons have hijacked my queen! Archers, concentrate your fire on the lone goblin standing next to Gotai!

Khengi: Arrgh! Avenge me.

Gotai: My loyal goblin sidekick! Now, Gotai revert to angry orc stereotype and crush puny red priest and steel men!

Alaric: Argh… I am slain.

Gotai: Now, we march to Talonguard and destroy red queen!





____________

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Oscarius
Oscarius


Famous Hero
*sleepy*
posted October 29, 2008 03:41 PM

Y-y-y-you found the orignial manuscript of HOMM V

____________
Need moar avatars!

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Adrius
Adrius


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
KHORNATE
posted October 29, 2008 03:50 PM

Gotai: Gotai is tired of standing around waiting for necklace of Kujin to fall off

Gotai: Demons!? The greatest enemies of orcs? Gotai add demons to already long list of things orcs hate!

Gotai: My loyal goblin sidekick! Now, Gotai revert to angry orc stereotype and crush puny red priest and steel men!

I can't wait to read more, this is awesome

____________
"I like the patriarchy. I like women."
- JeremiahEmo

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Zamfir
Zamfir


Promising
Supreme Hero
posted October 29, 2008 03:56 PM

After delving through all the Great Library of the Silver Cities, I finally found it. But let's beggin with the beggining.





[Haven Campaign]



Cast of Characters

Isabel is the new queen of the Griffin Empire and the character you control throughout the Haven campaign. She’s also quite possibly the dumbest protagonist in a video game… ever. Read on to find out why.

Godric is the king’s uncle and serves as Isabel’s guardian. He’s also the voice of reason throughout most of the campaign. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get to do much else.

Nicolai is the king of the Griffin Empire. When demons suddenly invade for no reason, he leaves his own wedding to fight them. He appears in the game for about 2 minutes, and then gets himself killed.

Agrael is the primary antagonist throughout the campaign. He works for the demons of Sheogh and has a really creepy obsession with Isabel. Also, he rides a giant red lizard and is half the size of a normal demon. Hmm…

Biara is Agrael’s succubus companion and a master of disguise. Mostly, she just makes naughty comments about torture and suffering. However, she later has a falling out with her boss.

Chapter 1: The Queen

Basically, Nicolai runs off to fight the demons. But since the art department doesn’t know how to create proper animations in their cut-scenes (except making characters cast spells randomly while talking) we don’t actually get to see the battle. Instead, we see Isabel at her Summer Palace, whining about her boring life. After an exchange with Beatrice and Godric, she decides to go on an adventure.

Isabel tries to raise a peasant army. However, the peasants don’t want to fight. So instead of honoring their wishes, Isabel kills a bunch and leads the rest off in chains. Oh, and she raids a garrison.

Chapter 2: The Rebellion

Unfortunately, people in the Griffin Empire aren’t too happy about going to war. Isabel decides to capture some cities and teach them a lesson. First, she captures Strongbow, which isn’t too much of a city. Then, she captures Ashwood. The game refers to this as “persuading dissenters.” But in reality, she’s just slaughtering her subjects.

Chapter 3: The Siege

Oh no! A larger demon army is coming! From Ashwood, Isabel rides along the countryside killing demon scouts. Eventually, she runs into a Demon Lord and defeats him.

Chapter 4: The Trap

We finally learn about Agrael, the Demon Lord who’s causing all the ruckus. Isabel goes to Brightwood and learns some simple spells. She also finds magical flying shoes to cross a broken bridge. Luckily, Beatrice’s mission was “successful” and the Elves agree to help.

Isabel thinks she’s going to visit Findan, the emissary sent by Elven King Alaron. However, she actually falls into a trap set by Agrael and Biara and gets her sorry ass captured. Also, it turns out Beatrice was Biara in disguise all along.

Chapter 5: The Fall of the King

Thankfully, Godric shows up in deus ex machina fashion to rescue Isabel from prison and free the city of Dunmoor. Agrael and his fellow Demon Lords repeatedly attack Dunmoor but Isabel manages to hold them off each time. Eventually, Isabel decides to set up a Tear of Asha in Dunmoor (a lame excuse for the player to embark on a grail quest).

Nicolai suddenly appears to save the day by using an artifact called the Heart of the Griffin to destroy all the demons. Isabel, being the clingy woman that she is, gets giddy and runs out to meet Nicolai. However, the Heart managed to destroy every demon except Agrael, who then proceeds to kill Nicolai with crazy demon magic. The campaign ends with Isabel blubbering like an idiot on a charred battlefield and vowing revenge.

Final Thoughts

Nicolai’s death may have sucked. But he’s probably in a better place because he won’t have to deal with his psychotic warrior wife, Isabel.





[Inferno Campaign]



Cast of Characters

Agrael has a change of heart and decides to stop being so evil. But it turns out, he’s just in looooove. *barf*

Biara tags alongside Agrael and seemingly supports his decision to betray the Demon Sovereign. But then again, you can never trust Biara.

Godric leads huge armies that are trying to track Agrael down and bring him to justice. Yet somehow, Agrael still sneaks away. Where was Godric chasing him, Afghanistan?

Veyer was sent by the Demon Sovereign to capture the Heart of the Griffin from Nicolai’s tomb. This begs the question: “If demons are attacking your country, why store the only effective weapon against them in a tomb?”

Gilraen and his cohorts give Agrael a lot of trouble. Then again, Agrael did barge into the forests of Irollan with creatures of fire and brimstone.

Tieru is a Dragon Knight of old who decided to retire to the Dragonmist Islands so future heroes would have to make an extra effort to find and consult him on matters of utmost importance.

Chapter 1: The Betrayal

When we last left off, Nicolai used the Heart of the Griffin to annihilate the demonic armies. Agrael runs from Godric and his army, escaping to the borders of Sheogh. Unfortunately, he soon discovers that the Demon Sovereign is angry about the recent defeat. Therefore, he makes an executive decision to lay low for a while.

Chapter 2: The Promise

Agrael tells Biara that he will overthrow the Demo Sovereign and take his place. Intrigued, Biara promises to assist him. In the meantime, Agrael wants to take the Heart of the Griffin from Nicolai’s tomb so that he will have the trump card against the forces of Sheogh.

The Demon Sovereign realizes that the Heart of the Griffin is the only weapon against him and commands Demon Lord Veyer to retrieve it. Agrael fights Veyer for the artifact and wins. After the battle, he is contacted by an apparition who introduces himself as Tieru. He reveals that the Demon Sovereign is actually preparing the way for a Demon Messiah that will destroy the world. He tells Agrael to visit him at the Dragonmist Islands for further instructions.

Chapter 3: The Conquest

Agrael journeys through the Elven land of Irollan. However, a pesky Elf named Gilraen guards the borders and gives him a lot of trouble.

Chapter 4: The Ship

Agrael’s troops start to desert him, forcing him to capture a nearby demon outpost to replenish his ranks. He then makes a deal with some hungry dragons. With their help, Agrael sneaks past the Elven gateways and secures the port of Erewal. From there, he takes a ship to the Dragonmist Islands.

Chapter 5: Agrael’s Decision

Unfortunately, the Dragonmist Islands are cursed by an unnatural fog and nearly impossible to navigate by ship. Agrael realizes that he must chart his course by land first.

He finds Tieru in the center island. Tieru tells him about the War of the Eclipse, in which humans, Elves, and mages joined forces to banish Kha-Beleth (The Demon Sovereign). The Heart of the Griffin was created from a fragment of the soul of Alexei (the father of Nicolai). He then asks Agrael why he wants to defend the Griffin Empire. In a moment of utter ridiculousness, Agrael insinuates that he is in love with Isabel. Apparently, this developed from years and years of watching the prepubescent girl blossom into a whiny, genocidal queen.

Tieru reveals that the Demon Messiah is a half-human/half-demon creature who can stay in the real world indefinitely and use demonic magic. He then tells Agrael that he must be purified of the demonic corruption with the Rite of True Nature. Agrael agrees and is purified.

During the ritual, Biara attempts to steal the Heart of the Griffin and is vaporized. However, Tieru explains that the artifact doesn’t really kill any demons. It simply creates a portal and sends them back to their homeworld. In other words, the armies of Sheogh are as strong as ever.

Final Thoughts

Instead of revealing the plot slowly through storytelling, the creators opted to create Tieru: an exposition machine. And what’s with Agrael betraying his boss because he has a crush on Isabel? It is the single worst plot cliche ever.





[Necropolis Campaign]



Cast of Characters

Markal is the eeeeevvvil former advisor of Queen Fiona (Nicolai’s mother). After she died, Markal left the Griffin Empire with her ashes. Now, he’s single-handedly trying to restore the Necromancer kingdom of Heresh.

Isabel hasn’t gotten any smarter since becoming Queen. Blinded by her infatuation with her dead husband, she is easily manipulated by Markal.

Godric banished Markal a long time ago. Now, Markal’s back… and Godric is screwed.

Cyrus leads the mages of the Silver Cities and really doesn’t know he’s doomed. Markal has a personal vendetta against him for killing his master Sandro.

Chapter 1: The Temptation

Although Nicolai named Isabel his successor, Archbishop Randall and local lords reject her leadership and start a civil war. Markal sees this as the perfect opportunity to leave the valley of Heresh and offer his services to Isabel.

First, he cleverly avoids detection by the wizards who patrol the Canyon of Buried Alive. Then, he helps Isabel defeat the rebel forces of one Duke Duncan. Isabel is so completely naive and stupid that she becomes convinced Markal can resurrect her dead husband and accepts his help.

Chapter 2: The Attack

To resurrect Nicolai, Markal requires the Vampire’s Garment. As a first step, Markal restores Lorekeep, a former hub of Necromancy, with Isabel’s blessing.

He soon learns that his arch-enemy Cyrus separated the artifact into four parts and scattered them. Immediately, Markal captures the city of Hikm to obtain the first piece: The Amulet of Necromancy. However, because Isabel doesn’t completely trust Markal yet, she hands it to Godric for safekeeping.

Chapter 3: The Invasion

Seeking revenge, Markal attacks the rest of the Silver Cities and curses all of them. Upon defeating the wizards, he finds the Staff of the Netherworld and the Cloak of Death’s Shadow. However, when he reaches the Al Safir, the capital of the Silver Cities, Cyrus flees into the magic realm of the Ring of the Unrepentent.

Meanwhile, Isabel fights off an Elven army and shatters yet another alliance.

Chapter 4: The Regicide

With an army of bone dragons, Markal enters the magic realm of the Ring and kills Cyrus. His reward? The last piece of the Vampire’s Garment.

Chapter 5: The Lord of Heresh


Godric, being the only sane person in the Griffin Empire, gets fed up with Markal’s treachery and Isabel’s stupidity. He barricades himself inside Hikm with a massive army. Unfortunately for Markal, Godric still has the Amulet of Necromancy.

Markal captures Godric’s daughter, Freyda, to lure him out of Hikm. However, Godric sends an army of angels instead. This plan backfires when Markal defeats the angels and uses their wings to fly over the mountains and conquer Hikm. Godric gets sent to an underground prison and Markal finally assembles the Vampire’s Garment.

Final Thoughts

If a creepy old man with an army of zombies and skeletons knocked on your door and offered to resurrect your dead husband, would you say yes? Is Isabel really that stupid? The answer is yes.





[Dungeon Campaign]



Cast of Characters

Raelag is the newest lord of Clan Shadowbrand. He embarks on a campaign to unite the other dark elf clans. That lizard he rides sure looks familiar…

Shadya makes her appearance soon after Raelag clashes with Clan Nightshard. As a self-proclaimed infiltration expert, she quickly gains Raelag’s trust.

Grawl is one of the Demon Soverign’s top strategists. His plan is to steal a key and then run around a maze in circles is all kinds of genius. Mwa ha ha! Eeeeeevil!

Veyer is back and angrier than ever. Will Raelag’s legions of black dragons arrive in time to smack him down?

Chapter 1: The Clanlord

Clan Shadowbrand declares a tournament to choose their new leader. Any citizen of Ygg-Chall (Dark Elves’ loose federation of clans) can participate. Everyone has a month to assemble an army and go underground to duke it out. An unknown warlock named Raelag manages to win the tournament and obtain the clan’s ring, becoming Clan Shadowbrand’ s new leader.

Chapter 2: The Expansion

Raelag wants to unite the clans into a single state. Shadowbrand’s Keeper of the Law advises him to see the help of Malsara, a daughter of the dragon goddess Malassa. Raelag does so, discovering she’s been living in a shack for some reason.

Malsara advises Raelag to dig up a Tear of Asha and build a monument called the Mother of Darkness in the city of Virbeth. If he can do this, the other clans will surely acknowledge Shadowbrand as a rising power.

Of course, Raelag succeeds, but not before assimilating his neighbor, Clan Nightshard, and provoking the bad guys, Clan Soulscar. Around this time, a female warlock named Shadya joins Raelag’s cause. At first, Raelag tells her to go stand in line with the other recruits. But after some unconvincing banter, he lets her tag along.

Chapter 3: The Cultists

Raelag announces that Clan Soulscar’s alliance with the demons poses a threat to the Dark Elves. Apparently, he “knew them well.” Dun dun dun! He proceeds to conquer all of their territory, becoming the boss of everyone.

Chapter 4: The March

Oh no! It appears the Demon Soverign wants to abduct Isabel and has already sent Veyer on his way to the Griffin Empire to ambush her. Having no faith in the endless numbers of the undead that technically protect the humans from the demon invasion, Raelag travels through a shortcut for two months in order to intercept Veyer.

Chapter 5: Raelag’s Offer

At last, Raelag arrives at the outskirts of Sheogh. After much rampaging, he routs Veyer’s forces and saves the day. Unfortunately, Isabel and Markal just happen to be on their way to Nicolai’s tomb to raise him from the dead. Raelag offers to bring Isabel to Tieru so that she can be purged of the Demon Soverign’s influence. However, Markal tells her that the mysterious hero who just saved all of their lives is spouting nonsense. Naturally, Isabel believes this. They continue on their merry way, leaving Raelag with one brow raised.

Final Thoughts

The world’s fate hangs by a thread! But I guess if Isabel doesn’t want to be purged… Raelag won’t force her. All this passivity coming from a guy who just usurped power from all of his neighbors with utter ruthlessness.





[Sylvan Campaign]



Cast of Characters

Findan is just some random Elf dude who has to save Irollan from undead and demonic invasions. Despite his poetic verse and flowery unicorn steed, he’s quite possibly the manliest character in his country.

Alaron is the king of Irollan. He sends Findan on all sorts of dangerous quests while he sits at home and does kingly stuff.

Tieru is still waiting for heroes to find him… alone… on his little island of sadness.

Talanar is a general who was captured and thrown in prison. He’s 100% muscle and 0% magic.

Dirael is another general who was captured by the undead. She’s basically the opposite of Talanar and proficient with magic.

Markal is still pretty much an evil bastard. Oh yeah, he manages to takes over the Griffin Empire.

Isabel becomes crazy because she resurrects Nicolai and he yells at her.

Nicolai is pretty annoyed about the fact that he’s a vampire now. He takes pleasure in nihilism, which apparently entails running around Irollan on foot and destroying everything in his path.

Biara is back and seems to have wandered into the Elven lands specifically to remind players that “the demons are still around and shouldn’t be forgotten as the real villains of the story.”

Chapter One: The Refugees

Markal and Isabel finally use the Vampire’s Garment to raise Nicolai from the dead. Guess what? The Vampire’s Garment turns him into a vampire! Isabel is so stunned by this development that she immediately loses her mind. Ever the opportunist, Markal declares himself the ruler of the Griffin Empire.

The citizens of the Griffin Empire flee to Irollan, the land of the Elves. King Alaron gladly takes in the refugees while Findan holds their borders against Markal’s raids. But then, it seems the demons want in on the fun too and send some armies of their own.

Chapter Two: The Emerald Ones

Alaron realizes that Irollan is outmatched. He sends Findan to the Blazing Sands to enlist the support of the Emerald Dragons, whom the Elves pissed off once upon a time. The dragons overlook the past when Findan drives the demons out of their homeland.

Chapter Three: The Defense

Findan realizes that the Elves got owned by the undead while he was gone. In fact, the vampire Nicolai had laid siege to the capital city of Syris Thalla.

With the help of the dragons, Findan fights off the undead at the gates and holes himself up in the Elven capital. But during the battle, Alaron gets blown up by some wraiths. In a very long and extensive death scene, Alaron tells Findan to seek Tieru and learn about the weaknesses of Kha-beleth. Then, giant rocks and angel feathers materialize around him for dramatic effect, killing him.

Findan realizes that if he leaves to find Tieru, Syris Thalla will fall. So he rescues two generals, Talanar and Dirael, to guard the capital.

Chapter Four: The Archipelago

Unfortunately, Findan is too late. Just as he finally arrives at Tieru’s cliff, Biara launches a meteor shower and runs off. However, Tieru’s ghost reveals (in yet another plot device) that Kha-beleth implanted a demonic mark on a baby some twenty years ago. That baby was Queen Isabel! She’s the one who will give birth to the Demon Messiah.

Luckily, before he died, Tieru created a scroll that can save Isabel. He tells Findan to seek out Zehir, the son of Cyrus because only he can use the scroll.

Chapter Five: The Vampire Lord

It seems that the Elves are somehow winning the war back in Irollan, despite being completely incompetent earlier. Findan heads to the southwest and finds that an unnatural darkness has covered the land.

Using dwarven artifacts from underground, he proves his worth to a seer and receives the help of the phoenix. With the clouds parted and sun shining, Nicolai loses his ability to reincarnate. Findan, Talanar, and Dirael free the last cities and easily vanquish Nicolai. He’s quite happy to die at last (though his soul is damned forever thanks to that stupid Isabel).

Final Thoughts

I guess the moral of the story is: if your husband gets killed by demons and you raise him as a vampire, you shouldn’t expect him to be too happy about the situation. Also, don’t piss off dragons.





[Academy Campaign]


Cast of Characters

Zehir, the son of the late Cyrus, is looking for a way to retake the Silver Cities from the undead. He runs around the countryside with his elephant mount and trusty sidekick Narxes.

Findan has just defeated the undead in Irollan. Now, he’s looking for Zehir, a guy who we haven’t heard about until now but is apparently necessary for saving the world because only he can use Tieru’s deus ex machina scroll.

Godric is still looking healthy despite sitting in prison with a steady diet of moldy bread and cheese for the lsat month or so. But now that Zehir has rescued him, he’s ready to bust some heads.

Markal is now the de facto leader of the Griffin Empire. However, the defeat of Nicolai in the Irollan campaign means his forces are stretched thin and his conquered territory is unguarded.

Raelag conveniently shows up at the last moment to join the heroes and take credit for winning. What is this, a hero convention?

Shadya tags along as usual. But this time, she has a hidden agenda.

Isabel is still crazy. But now, she’s crazy AND pregnant. Clearly, it’s up to our heroes to stop her.

Biara has one more trick up her sleeve.

Kha-beleth, the Demon Sovereign, plots evil in his foreboding castle and orders his minions to do all the dirty work. He’s also a pretty blatant ripoff of Sauron.

Chapter 1: The Defiant Mage

During Markal’s invasion, he cursed the Silver Cities, turning them into Necropoleis. The city of Sihaam became Kadashman, a dark tomb for the undead. Zehir arrives on the frontier, eager to save his homeland and avenge his father. With quick speed, he avoids detection and captures Kadashman.

Chapter 2: The Liberation

With Markal’s eye fixated on Irollan, Zehir recaptures all of the Silver Cities. Then, he takes the fight to Markal by topping his seat of power at Lorekeep. Interestingly enough, Zehir accomplishes more in one chapter than Isabel did in five chapters.

Chapter 3: The Triumvirate

Realizing the danger than Isabel’s unborn child poses to Ashan, Zehir meets up with Findan to fulfill Tieru’s wish. However, the road to Isabel is long. Zehir first heads underground to rescue Godric, who has been imprisoned since Markal’s treachery. Together, they recapture the nearby cities and corner Markal in the town of Latro. However, Markal has implemented three safeguards, giving himself incredible power and endless troops. With the combined armies of Zehir, Findan, and Godric, he is depleted and slain. Zehir then incinerates Markal’s body with a fireball to prevent him from returning as a lich.

Chapter 4: The Alliance

The heroes travel the long road to Talonguard, capital of the Griffin Empire to reason with Isabel. Along the way, they run into Raelag and Shadya, who have similar goals. A quick alliance is formed as they finally reach their destination and defeat Isabel’s army of cavaliers and archangels. As Zehir prepares the Rite of True Nature to purify Isabel and end the Demon Sovereign’s plans once and for all, Shadya snatches the scroll and destorys it, Then, she reveals that she was Biara all along and escapes.

The heroes have no choice but to travel to Sheogh and defeat the Demon Sovereign. By manipulating the Heart of the Griffin, Zehir is able to teleport everybody to the fiery realm.

Chapter 5: Zehir’s Hope

Zehir, Findan, Godric, and Raelag quickly surround and capture Biara, who has fled to Ur-Hekal, the demon capital. Of course, this leads to the final battle against the Demon Sovereign. Raelag also reveals that he is Agrael, to the surprise of none. Despite the Demon Sovereign’s teleporting armies and force field, the heroes’ armies are too powerful. With a slew of “yee-haws” and “take thats,” the Demon Sovereign falls.

And so, the heroes save Isabel and go home. The heroes part ways and, in true RPG fashion, become the leaders of their respective countries. As for Isabel, her eyes begin glowing red. Apparently, the Demon Messiah is still on the way.

Final Thoughts

Why did the heroes believe that killing the Demon Sovereign would affect Isabel’s child? It seems like a huge jump in logic. Oh well, it looks like a promotional lead-in for Ubisoft’s next game: Dark Messiah Might and Magic.




____________

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Skeleton_King
Skeleton_King


Disgraceful
Famous Hero
angelito's son-in-law
posted October 30, 2008 05:57 AM
Edited by skeleton_king at 07:09, 30 Oct 2008.

Flying to the Rescue - Chapter 1: Dark Ways and Deeds


Zehir: Oh my, I feel and look like a different person today. See, folks? This is why you spent $39.95: brand, spankin’ new content.

Gotai: Grrr!

 Zehir: Orcs! What are you doing in my city? And why are my gremlins lining up and firing their guns into the air to greet you?

Gotai: Violence! Me make threats for no reason!

Kujin: Now now. Calm down, boys. Please allow me to explain. We are here to say ‘hello’ to you!

 Zehir: Awkwaaaard…

Kujin: Yes, we orcs can be helpful. Yes.

Zehir: Okay, even a 1st grader could have come up with a better script than this. Can we get on with it please? Here, have a present. I’ll just wave my hands in the air and…

 Gotai: Me surprised to see Staff of Kunyak!

Kujin: Come to Talonguard with us and we will stop the demons.

Zehir: Interesting logical leap there… but I guess I have no choice. Let’s start this mission by purposely NOT traveling together, even though logic dictates if we combined our forces, we could trample through enemy lands and arrive at Talonguard in no time.

Djinn: Hold your horses there, sir! Did you know that you can summon your city.

Zehir: Really? That could have come in handy in the last game.

 Djinn: I will ignore your pithy comment and tell you that summoning your city will have bad consequences. Here, let me show you!

 Zehir: *loses 200,000 experience*

Narxes: Hey young master, did you know you can summon units directly into your ranks? The process will make you stupider though.

 Zehir: Stupider? What’s the logic behind that?

Narxes: I will ignore your question and summon some troops for you.

 Zehir: *loses secondary skills*

http://i537.photobucket.com/albums/ff339/asas/nar.jpg Narxes: How strange. I should have become stupider, not you. Oh well. We’ve been overlooking plot holes for as long as I can remember. I don’t see a need to start now.

 Zehir: Looks like the only way to Talonguard is to travel though these tunnels. I have a big flying city at my disposal, but I guess that would be too easy.

Ylaya: Hello Zehir!

 Zehir: Whoa! A hot chick. Where’s Raelag?

Ylaya: Raelag is off setting the stage for the buggy Elder Scrolls clone called Dark Messiah of Might and Magic - in stores now!

Zehir: Hmm. Raelag’s disappearance. The spin-off titles. Bad sales. This all makes sense. Clearly the demons are up to no good again.

Ylaya: Queen Isabel is fighting herself.

Zehir: Aren’t we all.

Ylaya: Well, I’ll see you at Talonguard. Last one to the exit’s a rotten egg. And to leave you with an ominous message: ‘trust no one.’

 Zehir: Some allies. Why do you guys just show up and leave?

Assassins: Hey dude! We totally aren’t evil and would like to join your party. Heh heh!

 Zehir: Hmm… how suspicious, especially in light of Ylaya’s foreboding warning. I think I’ll use you guys for fodder.

Assassins: It turns out we were evil all along.

 Zehir: Yes, we knew this. And now that we’ve slaughtered your entire clan, we can move on to our initial goal of reaching Talonguard.

Ylaya: Hello again! Thanks for mopping up the other clan while I conveniently disappeared. Man, if the previous game hadn’t shoehorned the fact that I’m a goody-good, you’d think I had set this whole thing up.

Zehir: I didn’t see an exit in these tunnels. So I guess I’ll use my flying city after all. But first, I’ll make a little detour at Godric’s.

Ylaya: News flash. He died in the last expansion pack.

 Zehir: Oh.

Ylaya: Freya’s in charge now.

 Zehir: I thought Markal killed her?

Ylaya: Yeah, that was retconned.



Flying to the Rescue - Chapter 2: Tearing the Veil


 Zehir: A battle against the red army, followed by a demon ambush? What do you have to say for yourself?

Red Priest: Please forgive me. I had no idea we were evil!

 Zehir: Your excuses are amazing.

Red Priest: We priests know of a magical rite that will purge the demons of their illusion. You’ll have to find two of my friends: a priest and a zealot.

Zehir: That doesn’t sound too bad.

Red Priest: You’ll also have to find one of those other things…

Zehir: Mmm-hmm?

Red Priest: You know… that thing… with the other thing…

Zehir: Which is?

Red Priest: The thing you get after visiting obelisks… wandering around for days… digging…

Zehir: Oh, you mean a Tear of Asha. For a ritual? I don’t get it.

Red Priest: It’s called a MacGuffin.

Zehir: Okay, this Tear of Asha was too easy to find… and the priest and zealot were just standing there. Maybe these chapters are getting easier.

Devils: We have appeared to shoehorn a battle!

Zehir: The Havens have become Infernos again. Well, I guess that wraps up this chap…

Freyda: You must be Zah-heer.

Zehir: Ah. I knew it wouldn’t be so easy.

Duncan: Ahem… please excuse Freyda’s rudeness. Now, I’m going to suddenly become the biggest dick for no reason.

Freyda: Flirt, flirt. Sexual innuendo.

 Zehir: How is it possible that in every scene, I end up looking like the most mature of the bunch?

Duncan: To move the plot along, I’ll just casually start dropping names that you couldn’t possibly know, such as Wulfstan.

Zehir: Wulfstan? Whoever he is, I feel compelled to visit him. You guys mop up the rest of the demons, I’m gonna go see my new best friend, Wulfstan.

Duncan: Ooooh! I’ll go with you.

Freyda: *cracks whip*

Duncan: Aww…


Flying to the Rescue - Chapter 3: Summoning the Dragon


Zehir: Whoa, I appear to be in a cave!

Wulfstan: Just mindin’ my own business…

Zehir: You there. Dwarf! Stout of stature, tough as nails, sturdy bearded folk, loves to drink ale, lazy to the core… am I missing any other stereotypes?

Wulfstan: Sounds like you’ve met my friend Duncan. He always has such nice things to say about me.

Zehir: Want to go kill some demons?

Wulfstan: Yes. But first, we have to mop up the storyline from the previous game. Hangvul has branded me a traitor and my brother Rolf is still up to no good. We’ll have to summon our deus ex machina dragon god, Arkath to make things right.

Zehir: I guess I’ll be doing all the work.

Wulfstan: Nobody has seen Arkath for decades, but you will likely find him in a patch of grassland in the middle of the tundra. You know, cuz that’s where fiery dragon gods live… the grassland.

Zehir: I’m glad I’m out of those caves. I’ll just unlock this red border guard and… ooh, a dwarf!

Rolf: I am soooooo evil! Mu hu hwa hwa hwa! *kicks some puppies*

 Zehir: And now, you are sooooooo dead.

Wulfstan: Good job. My brother won’t be bothering us anymore and the Hammers of Fate plot has come to an uneventful end. How are you holding up, Hangvul?

Hangvul: All of y’all are heathens!

Zehir: Well now. This archway will take us to the dragon god.

Hangvul: Who is this flamboyantly dressed man and why does he have such a purdy mouth?

Zehir: Who is this Santa lookalike and where are my presents?

Arkath: FAITHLESS!

Hangvul: He’s talking to you unbelievers.

Wulfstan: Arkath, why did you leave us poor helpless dwarves? Why, we had to rely on your bratty children as our TIer 7 creature!

Arkath: THE BLAME RESTS ENTIRELY ON HANGVUL!

Hangvul: What the…

Arkath: YES, IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU LED THE DWARVES TO CIVIL WAR. FOR THAT REASON, I LEFT YOU.

Hangvul:But that was at the end of the last game… not decades ago… er… please don’t incinerate me.

Arkath: SINCE WULFSTAN IS THE ONLY OTHER DWARF OF NOTE IN THIS GAME, HE IS NOW THE KING. MAKE IT SO.

Wulfstan: I did not see this coming. No siree.

Hangvul: Grovel, grovel.

 Zehir: ...

And I have these:

Freyda's Dilema

Cast of Characters

Freyda lives! When we last saw her, Markal had seemingly turned her into a ghost after trying to lure Godric out of Hikm. Thanks to an inexplicable plot hole, she survived and now leads the armies of the Holy Griffin Empire.

Laszlo has become a bloodthirsty warmonger with an apparent fancy for torturing people and burning things. A man of fashion, he has a shiny new red cape.

Alaric is a priest of Elrath who’s more inquisitor than holy man. He likes to walk on foot wherever he goes, carrying a big rosary and an even bigger hammer.

Isabel is now a saint and has been actively purging local lords and church leaders. Despite her zombie-like skin, her deep sunken eyes, and her constant edicts to kill innocent people, nobody seems to notice that she’s evil.

Duncan is one of the main leaders of the rebellion. He is joined by Lord Caldwell (Freyda’s uncle), Archbishop Randall (The ousted church leader), and Prince Andrei (Isabel’s cousin-in-law). When we last saw Duncan in action, he was locked in combat with Isabel. Markal swooped in and defeated him. Like Freyda, he survived… somehow.

Godric makes a quick cameo in the first cutscene in the game. Isabel gives him the pink slip.

Chapter One: The Rebels


It’s a beautiful day. Freyda and Godric are training (by killing their own troops and then resurrecting them afterwards). Suddenly, Saint Isabel rides up and tells Freyda that she’s the new leader of the imperial army. The rebels have shacked up with the Elves (see C5M1) and need to be destroyed. Every day, they grow in strength.

Freyda, Alaric, and Laszlo ride out to take care of business. After fighting off several Elven ambushes, they kill Lord Caldwell and Archbishop Randall. They also rescue a group of “new reinforcements” from the swamps.

Chapter Two: The Suspicion


The group continues to roam the countryside, slaughtering peasants who are turning into demons before their eyes. Alaric explains that they are demon worshippers and must be purged. Freyda questions their actions, but finishes the mission. When she complains to Isabel that her comrades are being a tad bit extreme in their zeal, Isabel reveals that she has imprisoned Godric. Freyda shuts up.

Chapter Three: Duncan


The trio press deeper into rebel territory to capture the rebel leaders: Duke Duncan and Prince Andrei. However, when Freyda does find Duncan, she convinces Alaric not to kill him, citing the consequences of creating a martyr. Secretly, she sends him away via back roads.

The trio look north toward the land of the Dwarves. That’s where Duncan has hidden Prince Andrei.

Chapter Four: Negotiations


Freyda reaches the gate into the Dwarven lands and pays a significant toll. The Dwarves do not allow Laszlo, Alaric, nor the red renegade army to pass. Nevertheless, Freyda presses on.

She meets Wulfstan and Rolf in the fortress of Tor Hrall. Before any diplomatic relations can be established, a scout runs in and says that Laszlo is invading. As all hell breaks loose, Freyda flees and takes shelter underground. Laszlo’s impatience sparks a war between the Holy Griffin Empire and the Dwarves.

Meanwhile, it’s revealed that not all is well in Ygg-Chall. Not only is Shadya back, she and a Soulscar survivor named Thralsai are plotting against Raelag. Her return can only mean one thing… Biara’s back.

Chapter Five: The Choice

The war rages on and Freyda decides to switch sides. Of course, it’s convenient that everyone thinks she’s dead.

No longer in the company of Laszlo and Alaric, she journeys south and frees Duncan. After some casual flirting and awkward innuendo, they go their separate ways. Duncan heads north to help the Dwarves and find Prince Andrei. Freyda sails back to the Holy Griffin Empire to rescue Godric.

Final Thoughts

It’s nice to see that the main characters are still as oblivious as ever. However, the rebels all seem to see the bigger picture. Too bad they’re close to being wiped out. Also, wasn’t Isabel pregnant? What happened to her child, the Demon Messiah? Will we find out soon?

The Defiance


Cast of Characters

Wulfstan leads a band of Dwarves to drive Laszlo’s army out of Grimheim. He’s not very interesting, but he does haze Duncan about his crush on Freyda. What are we… in the fifth grade?

Rolf is a fellow member of the Winterwind clan and Wulfstan’s half-brother. He’s also whiny, ambitious, and full of spite. This makes for a terrifying combination.

Tolghar is the absent-minded Dwarven king. He doesn’t really do much outside of being confused and manipulated.

Hangvul is not Pirate Santa. He’s actually Tolghar’s right hand man (er… dwarf). He initially seems like a level-headed counselor. But actually, he’s just as clueless as Tolghar.

Laszlo is marching around Grimheim with his unstoppable army. That is, until his supplies dwindle and he’s forced to retreat to the Stag Duchy.

Isabel parleys with the Dwarves through astral projection. The Dwarves remark that only the demons can do this.  It’s meant to be an obvious hint about Isabel’s identity. But didn’t Tieru project himself throughout the Inferno campaign. Did the writers simply forget about this minor detail?

Duncan is ready to free his home from Laszlo. He still pines for Freyda, even though they knew each other for like 5 minutes.

Godric shows up in the last cutscene… just in time to die.

Chapter One: The Border Zone


The Griffin Empire is at war with Grimheim. During an unnamed battle, Rolf starts blaming Wulfstan. After some childish namecalling, Rolf threatens to go to the king and tell on Wulfstan. He also says, “neener-nee-ner… neener!”

Realizing that Rolf is just a big pansy, our hero amasses a guerrilla force for the long road ahead.

Chapter Two: The Ambush


Wulfstan learns that Rolf has killed his guards and kidnapped Andrei. Nevertheless, Wulfstan proceeds with his mission by descendsing underground and liberating the town of Asbrand and its surrounding Dwarven dwellings.

Meanwhile, Rolf tells King Tolghar and Hangvul that Wulfstan is a traitor. At first, Tolghar doesn’t believe Rolf. However, Isabel conveniently projects herself into the room and tells the Dwarves that war was declared when Wulfstan kidnapped Prince Andrei. She also claims that the Dark Elves are planning to attack.

For unknown reasons, Tolghar and Hangvul trust Isabel and agree to her demands to return Andrei. The war ends, but a new one begins.

Chapter Three: The Guerrillas


Meanwhile, Wulfstan’s journey continues. He first rescues a fellow Dwarven commander. Then, he intercepts the empire’s caravans, cutting Laszlo off from their much needed resources.

Chapter Four: The Brothers


Wulfstan learns that he has been branded a traitor. One consequence is that he must now bribe stragglers to join his army. Also, Rolf decides to personally capture Wulfstan. However, our hero easily defeats him.

The caravan attack was so effective that Laszlo has to retreat to Horncrest, in the Stag Duchy. After running into Duncan and hazing him about his crush on Freyda, Wulfstan recaptures Tor Hrall.

Chapter Five: Laszlo

With the Griffin Empire on the run and the rest of Grimheim fixated on the imaginary threat from the Dark Elves, Wulfstan and Duncan take it upon themselves to retake Horncrest and free the Stag Duchy.

After confronting Laszlo, our heroes see an image of Freyda finding Godric. He dies. However, the voice of Elrath grants Freyda super-duper powers. She screams, “Laszzzzloooooooo” and somehow explodes Laszlo before our heroes’ eyes.

Final Thoughts

Didn’t Isabel imprison Godric underground? Why did Freyda find him in the middle of a harmless field? How did Freyda kill Laszlo by screaming through a portal? Is that like Darth Vader choking a commander through a video screen in The Empire Strikes Back? All this, and more… in the next installment of Heroes V in a nutshell!


Ylaya's Quest

Cast of Characters

Ylaya is one of Clan Shadowbrand’s “keepers of the law.” Apparently, the job includes running around in bondage gear and speaking with a sultry voice. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Malsara is a daughter of Malassa. You may remember her as the shack-dwelling dragon that helped Raelag in the original campaign. She seems to have upgraded to better living conditions since then.

Thralsai, a Soulscar survivor, has a personal vendetta against the Shadowbrand for purging his clan. He likes torturing slaves and sending his assassin assistant to fetch towels.

Raelag’s sudden disappearance has splintered the clans. He’s been spending some quality time with Isabel.

Queen Isabel was sitting in a cave while her evil doppelganger drove the Griffin Empire further into ruin. Now, she’s back.

Tolghar is the unluckiest character in this entire story. He gets duped by the humans, demons, his own people… everyone. Plus, you kill him in the last battle.

Shadya/St. Isabel/Biara is manipulating everyone from behind the scenes. She gets away in the end.

Chapter One: The Spy


When Raelag mysteriously disappeared, the clans of Ygg-Chall fell into disarray. As a result, a Dark Elf named Thralsai was able to rebuild Clan Soulscar and rekindle old alliances with the demons.

Malsara, daughter of Malassa, sends Ylaya on an espionage mission to investigate Thralsai’s secret activities. Ylaya learns that Shadya is alive and is teaching Thralsai how to enslave the Dark Elves.

Chapter Two: The Break

Thralsai notices he’s being spied upon and chases after Ylaya. She escapes back to Clan Shadowbrand and tells them the terrible news.

Meanwhile, in Grimheim, Rolf and Hangvul use reverse psychology to convince King Tolghar to go to war. They hope that he will die in battle. Then, Rolf can be the king.

Chapter Three: The Meeting


Hearing the news about the Soulscar, Malsara and Ylaya seek out Raelag. By dressing in dragon garments, Ylaya is able to befriend Malsara’s shack-dwelling friends and find Raelag’s secret hideout.

There, Raelag and the real Queen Isabel are discussing the future of the Griffin Empire and enjoying each other’s company. Ylaya informs Raelag about the trouble back home and they spring into action.

Chapter Four: The Dragons

Clan Soulscar is invading. Luckily, Ylaya finds Malsara’s children and together, they crush Thralsai.

Raelag and Isabel briefly talk about her baby, the Demon Messiah. Isabel also expresses that she doesn’t want to be the queen anymore. Afterwards, Raelag leaves on a secret mission, leaving Ylaya to escort Isabel to the Stag Duchy.

Chapter Five: The Decoupling

Ylaya and Isabel reach Horncrest just in time to lift Alaric’s seige. With a little prodding, Isabel convinces Wulfstan, Duncan, and Freyda that she’s the real Queen Isabel and that St. Isabel is actually Biara in disguise.

With their forces united, the heroes march toward Tor Hrall just in time to see Biara and Alaric escape into a portal. However, the Dwarves remain hostile. Ultimately, they lay seige to Tor Hrall and kill King Tolghar.

Afterwards, Biara and Alaric continue plotting. Their plan has worked perfectly: The Griffin Empire, Ygg-Chall, and Grimheim are all weak from fighting. Biara tells Alaric to fetch Prince Andrei for a blood ritual that isn’t elaborated upon.

Meanwhile, under the guidance of Tieru’s ghost, Raelag journeys east to seek the orcs.

Final Thoughts, Questions, Clarifications

The story ends with the bad guys gaining a significant advantage over the good guys. The confusing parts of this story are the implied character motivations, all of which are open to interpretation. One point to note is that Prince Andrei is not Queen Isabel’s son. He is twice-dead King Nicolai’s nephew and former symbol of the rebellion.

So why does Biara want Andrei? Is he somehow special too? Also, what happened to Isabel’s child? She mentions that she could not bear to look at him. Does this mean she gave him up for adoption? That would explain why Sareth is raised in the boonies in Dark Messiah of Might and Magic.

Maybe these questions will be answered in a forthcoming Might and Magic game, expansion, or stand-alone map. Until then, happy gaming.


Funny, eh?


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Elvin
Elvin

Hero of Order
Stillness within Movement
posted October 30, 2008 06:22 AM

So true
____________
So the next time your cat leaves a bleeding, twitching corpse on your doormat, remember that she loves you and is just trying to bring out your inner predator.

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Xerox
Xerox


Promising
Undefeatable Hero
posted October 30, 2008 08:29 AM

To be honest, the story looks and feels much better in the "script" then in-game... (except maybe in TotE, when its good in-game too).
____________
Over himself, over his own
body and
mind, the individual is
sovereign.
- John Stuart Mill

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Asheera
Asheera


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
posted October 30, 2008 08:39 AM

One of the funniest things I have read in a while
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Radar
Radar


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Castle/Haven player
posted October 30, 2008 08:43 AM

Zamfir, you should have used less advanced grammar constructions if you wanted to pretend that Skele had written that
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Asheera
Asheera


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
posted October 30, 2008 08:45 AM

I thought they found them on the net?
Quote:
I'm not the author, but I found this juicy little thing on the Net. What do you think?

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william
william


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
posted October 30, 2008 08:47 AM

I didn't think that QP's could be given for things that have been copied from somewhere else, unless this has changed again?

Anyway, nice stuff you got here.
____________
~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~

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Asheera
Asheera


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
posted October 30, 2008 10:16 AM

Ok this is something I came up with

Biara (disguised as Isabel), Godric and Freyda meet the real Isabel. (of course this is a twisting of the original story, but hey )

Biara: Ugh... what trickery is this?

Isabel: She is an impostor. She is a Succubus!

Biara: No, it's YOU who is the impostor!

Isabel: No, it's YOU

Godric: Ok ok let's calm down and do some kind of tests about this to find out the real impostor. Any ideas?

Isabel: SHE is the impostor!

Biara: Liar!

Freyda: Shut up you two! Ok, I think I know how to find out: Both of you answer how much is 2 + 2

Biara: 4

Isabel: 22

Freyda: Ok, you're the real Isabel (turns to Isabel) and the other is the impostor.

Godric: (turns to Biara) You will die by my hands, demon!

(just as he was preparing to attack, Freyda kills the real Isabel)

Godric: Why did you kill her?!

Freyda: It's better to have the empire led by a smart demon than a dumb human, father.



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william
william


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
posted October 30, 2008 10:57 AM

LOL, great one Asheera.
____________
~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~

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Asheera
Asheera


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
posted October 30, 2008 11:53 AM

The news of Isabel's death arrive at Raelag, who is terribly shocked.

Raelag: That Freyda and the whole Griffin Empire killed my love.

Ylaya: So, are you mad at them?

Raelag: At THEM? Yes.

Ylaya: Would you like to attack the Griffin Empire? I don't think it's such a good idea...

Raelag: What? I wasn't talking about those humans, with THEM I meant the ones that wrote the script.

Ylaya: ...?

Raelag: I'm EXTREMELY angry at them. They forced me to love that Isabel. I can't believe she is dead now.

Ylaya is still confused.

Raelag: At last I'm free!

* A voice is heard from the sky, like God speaks * "No, you are not. I will send you your new love at once. I just have to get this keyboard work once again."



After 5 minutes the most ugly of Dwarven women came to Raelag.

Raelag: "Ooh hi there, sweety."



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william
william


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
posted October 30, 2008 11:55 AM

LOOL, I liked this one better. Very funny.
____________
~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~

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Lexxan
Lexxan


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Unimpressed by your logic
posted October 30, 2008 12:10 PM

Quote:
After 5 minutes the most ugly of Dwarven women came to Raelag.

Raelag: "Ooh hi there, sweety."





@ William: imagine it's Ebba lol.
____________
Coincidence? I think not!!!!

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