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| Thread: Corribus's Top Ten List of Bathroom Faux Pas |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 4 · NEXT» |
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Corribus
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posted April 07, 2011 10:56 PM |
 bonus applied by Mytical on 21 May 2011. |
Edited by Corribus at 21:39, 14 Apr 2011.
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Corribus's Top Ten List of Bathroom Faux Pas
Ahem.
My recent poll in the VW has clued me into the fact that bathroom ediquette among HC males is mediocre at best. This is a very serious problem. Bathroom behavior is the strictest measure of civility. Therefore, in the interest of improving HC, which I care about deeply, I present to you:
Corribus's Top Ten List of Bathroom Faux Pas
1. Chit Chat
A bathroom should be as devoid of human speech as a monastery. The only sounds that should be heard are toilets, faucets, towel-dispensers, and the occasional farts, grunts, plops and aaaahhhhs that are acceptable aural accompaniments to human excretion (though, see #10). The next time I'm standing at a urinal and the guy in the next urinal over tries to strike up a conversation with me about the weather, I’m going to explode.
2. Failing to wash your hands.
I don’t really understand what is so hard about using a little bit of water and soap to wash off the urine/feces/genital-particles that were transferred to your fingers during the course of using the toilet. Even if you’re convinced you didn’t pee on your hands, do it for my sake, ok? My absolute favorite, by the way, is the “fake wash” – you know, when a guy goes to the sink, turns on the water, and then passes his hands once through the stream in order to trick any would-be observers into thinking he’s washed his hands. If you’re going to go that far, why don’t you just wash them for real and help stop your rampant case of Herpes from spreading?
3. Not flushing
I’m sure you’ve all been here before: you’ve got a 5-alarm crap coming on, you rush to the bathroom, using every bit of strength to hold your sphincter closed, and virtually kick the door to the stall open only to find such a mass of feces and toilet paper in the bowl that it only could have come from a rhinoceros 12 hours after gorging on a meal of greasy Chinese food. What the hell? I could go find an outhouse if I wanted to levitate my ass over a mound of steaming poo. Flush the damn toilet after you use it!
4. Missing the target
This one I don’t understand at all. One of the biggest advantages of being a male is that your urination device has the same design as a cannon. Using your manual targeting apparatus (known in laymen’s terms as your hand), you can easily adjust the exact point in space where your payload will make landfall. So why is it that half the time I go to use a public toilet, there is piss everywhere but in the damn bowl? Seriously, sometimes there is a veritable LAKE of urine underneath the urinal, and I can’t count how many times I’ve sat down to drop the kids off at the pool, only to feel a sickening sticky coldness circling my butt because the last guy to use the toilet had the urination accuracy of a epileptic Parkinson’s patient running backwards on a treadmill. Look, guys, I know that sometimes it’s hard to realize pre-pee that your wang is askew, or there’s an unexpected hair in the way, but that doesn’t excuse your inconsiderate lack of mid-stream adjustment. And while we’re still waiting for someone to invent a penis-sized laser guidance system to assist in stream trajectory, if worse comes to worse, you could always wipe the damn lid if you pee on it!
5. Attempting the three pointer
Just because you’re essentially equipped with a piss pistol doesn’t mean you need to test its range. What’s with these guys who feel they need to stand seven feet away from the urinal? I say if you’re going to use a urinal, you should be a mere hair’s breadth away from making love to it. When you wage war from halfway across the continent, there’s just too much of a possibility that I might – by pure chance, mind you – look over and catch a glimpse of something I just don’t want to see. Not to mention, the farther you are, the bigger chance you’ll be contributing to the urine ocean that’s inevitably on the floor underneath the bowl (see #4).
6. Getting ready for a photo shoot
It is my firm and unwavering belief that using a restroom should be like entering a burning building: you go in, do what you need to do as fast as you need to do it, and then get the hell out. My general rule of thumb is that using a public restroom should take no longer than the longest time you can effectively hold your breath. Which, by the way, you should be doing anyway. That means you don’t stop to talk, read (#9), eat a snack (#8) or sing a song (#1). And you certainly don’t treat the place like your own personal beauty salon. Now, I recognize that the mirror is there for a purpose, and therefore quickly checking to make sure your fly is zipped up or your shirt is tucked in is OK. I also realize that trying to clear an especially stubborn Yule Log can require acrobatic maneuvers that often result in some minor shifting of carefully crafted hairdos. Quick coiffure adjustments are therefore authorized. But if you’ve brought a can of hairspray in with you or are unloading half a bottle of cheap cologne (making even harder for me to breathe), then you are getting in the way of MY ability to be as efficient as possible, and that’s not cool. My guess is that women are much worse offenders in this regard, which might explain why the line to the women’s restroom often stretches for miles. Nevertheless, men need to tread carefully here as well. The next time I see a guy submerging his whole head in the sink and then brushing his hair dry with the help of the electric hand dryer, I’m calling the local health department.
7. Bathing Yourself
While it is, technically, called a “bathroom”, people should be careful not to take this appellation too literally. Yes, some bathrooms, such as those in health clubs or biosafety laboratories, have showering facilities attached. In these cases, bathing oneself is perfectly acceptable. The absence of a shower stall, however, in no way entitles a person to use a sink to accomplish the same task. Removing your shirt and slapping water all over your armpits, or washing your hair (#6), or scrubbing your face, are all serious violations of restroom ethics. I even get disturbed by people who brush their teeth in public restrooms, because I don’t really like the idea of putting ANY object in my mouth that has come in contact with restroom air (I’m not even fond of breathing the stuff in – see # 6). Be careful, though, for it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the existence of a shower stall allows you to do whatever you please. Shower singing outside of your own home is forbidden (#1), and walking around naked beyond the immediate confines of the stall is a capital offense. This seems to be especially appealing to men over the age of seventy, who, if their bathroom behavior is any guide, are frighteningly comfortable in their nakedness. It’s not unusual in a gym locker room to find several ancient, shriveled up specimens standing around buck naked and having an animated discussion about what the best cabernet was in 2007. Instead of issuing ID cards, AARP should consider handing out fig leaves.
8. Having Lunch
There is no five second rule in a public restroom. There’s no one second rule either. In fact, any food that comes into a bathroom is instantly contaminated. Why don’t you just lick the underside of a urinal while you’re at it?
9. Treating the Bathroom like a Barnes and Noble
This doesn’t really fit in with the others, as it really has no impact on me directly, but I’m seriously curious about people who can’t take a dump unless they’re doing it while reading a seven hundred page novel. Unless I’ve been walking around the Sahara for thirty years and am consequently trying to pass a turd of both the size and moisture content of Arizona, the most I could possibly imagine a BM taking is ten minutes, and that includes wiping time. When I’m doing a deuce, my one focus is pushing. I push so hard that my clenched abdomen muscles could stop a bullet, hard enough to squeeze that sucker out with a speed that tickles the sound barrier. Generally this involves grasping the sides of the toilet with an intensity that makes my knuckles white. How the hell could anyone read a book in that condition? I suppose that some people are more relaxed that I am. On balance, that’s probably a good thing because I know one of these days I’m going to have a stroke. Yet even if we accept the silly premise of taking a relaxed poop (to my mind as silly as the idea of relaxingly pushing a car up a 45 degree incline), what kind of demented sociopath wants to linger in a smelly restroom stall long enough to find out whether Frodo makes it home in time for supper? One time I saw a guy go into a bathroom stall carrying a college level biology book, and the only explanation that made any sense was that he was afraid to attempt a BM without a (very) detailed instruction manual.
10. Conducting the GI Orchestra
We begin and end this list with the beautiful symphony of restroom sounds. In #1 I suggested that communication of the gastrointestinal sort was permitted in bathroom settings. As too are subtle expressions of pleasure when the ship has cleared the docks, so to speak. However, the present point serves as a caveat: do not abuse the privilege. The bathroom is not a manners-free zone. Good etiquette still applies. And though sometimes the passage of gas or other bodily noises is inevitable with all that pushing and contorting, this does not give a person license to let forth an explosive rumble of low-pitched vibrations that would outclass a system of woofers at an IMAX theater. If your violent explosion of bowel gas causes the atmospheric pressure in the bathroom to climb with such suddenness that my eardrums rupture in a spray of blood, then you’ve committed Bathroom Faux Pas #10. If your ass has trouble remembering this rule, tell it this in the kindest way possible: when in a public restroom, use your inside voice.
Runner Up: Herd Mentality
In their wisdom, restroom architects long ago realized that humans just aren’t capable of ethical and considerate bathroom behavior. As a result, modern restroom designs incorporate elements which are meant to reduce the impact of some of the items listed above. Barriers between urinals facilitate long-distance peeing and protect against Accidental PERipheral VISion Penis Sightings (APERVISPS). Automatic flushers ensure that unsuspecting poopers are never greeting by a bowlful of brown when they open a stall door. And voice-activated, wall-mounted machine gun turrets swiftly execute anyone who speaks so much as a syllable with a satisfying spray of explosive-tipped bullets. Ok, that last one was just a dream. The point is that intelligent design can improve the bathroom experience for everyone. But on the flip side, poor engineering can make it a trial that even Dante would shy away from. Introducing: the trough. I don’t know what genius invented this device that looks like a steel version of what they use to feed pigs on a farm. The idea is that rather than peeing into individual urinals, everyone pees into one giant urinal that spans the length of the room and has a single drain. Popular at stadiums and other places filled to the brim with the just the kind of human beings you love to be standing next to when your dick is hanging out, using a trough is an exercise in humiliation, irritation and olfactory stimulation the likes of which are beyond compare. Seriously, my friends, if you ever walk into a restroom and you see one of these contraptions, and the only space available is a one foot slot between two enormous men with their pants around their ankles, I’ve got a two word suggestion for you: coffee cup.
EDIT: UPDATED with #11 and #12, Page 3.
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Doomforge
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posted April 07, 2011 11:00 PM |
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Rotfl! Great read, funny thread  
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Jabanoss
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posted April 07, 2011 11:26 PM |
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Edited by Jabanoss at 23:29, 07 Apr 2011.
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What's wrong with bathrooms?
The bathroom is the best place in the entire house!
"Here in my car Bathroom. I feel safest of all. I can lock all my doors." 
And what so wrong with doing your homework in the bathroom? (well not in public bathrooms ofc...)
But seriously, what I like to do the most is to make this huge cup of coffee and then take it along to the bathroom while I'm having a long and relaxed dump while knowing that no one in the entire world is going to disturb me. 
Awesome read by the way. 
Really liked point 9.
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- Meroe
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Corribus
Hero of Order
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posted April 07, 2011 11:32 PM |
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I should make clear - this is strictly for PUBLIC restrooms. You do what you want at home. 
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blizzardboy
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posted April 07, 2011 11:37 PM |
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I think much on the nature of the male and female psyche is reflected in the different culture within the male and female public restrooms. Why? Because it is the one location where you get exclusively all of one gender and not the other, and respectively, men and women of various positions, trades, and ideologies. You might have an organization that is all of one gender, but such organizations attract a certain kind of personality. But everybody shares a common need to alleviate their bowels, making a bathroom a veritable bazaar; the crossroads of the kingdom; the tradewinds of the sea.
K, I'm done being deep. Very enjoyable thread. I smiled
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Elvin
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posted April 07, 2011 11:42 PM |
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You made my evening C But the fact that you felt the need to write that down is unsettling. I do not dare imagine what kind of indignities you have been exposed to.
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Corribus
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posted April 07, 2011 11:47 PM |
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Mostly I wrote it because I was in the bathroom the other day and this guy came to the urinal next to me and he was just insisting on having a conversation with me. And I'm like, "dude, can we talk AFTER I'm done?" Seriously, I just find it really awkward to talk to someone when I'm holding my wang in my hand. How can you say anything serious or intelligent in such a ludicrous position?
Glad you enjoyed. 
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blizzardboy
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posted April 07, 2011 11:50 PM |
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Weren't you in France just a few months ago Corribus? Every street corner is a potential public bathroom. Just whip that baby out and fire up a conversation with a vendor at a nearby street shop. It will gradually help make conversation during the act of weeing more comfortable.
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OhforfSake
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posted April 07, 2011 11:55 PM |
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Will read it some other time
Reminds me. A guy once talked on the cell on the toilet. Had read a joke about it a few days earlier. Of course I still answered him!
(We were both taking dumps).
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Living time backwards
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Corribus
Hero of Order
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posted April 07, 2011 11:55 PM |
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Yes, I went to France, and I didn't pee the entire time I was there.
It's funny, my 3 yo daughter has this hangup right now about using a public restroom (she's afraid of the automatic flusher). My wife thinks it's annoying, but I always whisper to her, "I don't blame you, kiddo - I wouldn't want to sit on that, either."
If it was socially acceptable I'd go everywhere with a catheter and a peebag.
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Corribus
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posted April 08, 2011 12:03 AM |
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Btw, Blizz, totally agree. What goes on in the Women's Restroom (purposely capitalized) is a complete mystery to me. It's like the forbidden kingdom or something, the one place I will never, ever go in my whole life. It's a weird concept.
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OhforfSake
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posted April 08, 2011 12:06 AM |
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For how long were you in France? I remember when I was much younger I was very scared to be locked in the toilet (thankfully the cell phone have cured this fear). I remember once I didn't pee for something like a week.
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Fauch
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posted April 08, 2011 12:12 AM |
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my sister already got locked in the toilet. I mean, at home
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Shyranis
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posted April 08, 2011 12:38 AM |
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Edited by Shyranis at 00:41, 08 Apr 2011.
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Quote:
4. Missing the target
Can't miss if you just learn to sit down =p
Also
Quote:
If it was socially acceptable I'd go everywhere with a catheter and a peebag.
Why not do it anyway? Just walk with a cane and act like you need it rather than for sanitary purposes... that or wear baggy pants and a trench coat and conceal it from prying eyes that have no business.
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OhforfSake
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posted April 08, 2011 01:01 AM |
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Quote:
Quote:
4. Missing the target
Can't miss if you just learn to sit down =p
If only its was true! If only...
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Living time backwards
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Shyranis
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posted April 08, 2011 02:23 AM |
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Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
4. Missing the target
Can't miss if you just learn to sit down =p
If only its was true! If only...
Are you peeing with a... male problem or something? 
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Corribus
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posted April 08, 2011 05:50 AM |
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Quote:
For how long were you in France?
A week.
The thing about Europe I'll never understand is that the urinals there are just holes in the ground. Seriously, in Italy I can't count the time I walked into a public restroom and was confronted by nothing more than the end of a pipe. What the hell is that about?
If I want to piss in some random hole, I can just go dig one in my back yard.
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alcibiades
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posted April 08, 2011 07:39 AM |
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Being in a relationship with a psycologist has clearly trained my eye: There's some sort of trauma burried here!
lols
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Jabanoss
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posted April 08, 2011 07:59 AM |
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Quote:
Quote:
For how long were you in France?
A week.
The thing about Europe I'll never understand is that the urinals there are just holes in the ground. Seriously, in Italy I can't count the time I walked into a public restroom and was confronted by nothing more than the end of a pipe. What the hell is that about?
If I want to piss in some random hole, I can just go dig one in my back yard.
I can see the future of public bathrooms already. The entire floor is just a huge drain, allowing you to take any place you wish.
Hmm that reminds me of this.
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"You turn me on Jaba"
- Meroe
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JollyJoker
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posted April 08, 2011 08:10 AM |
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Quote:
Quote:
4. Missing the target
Can't miss if you just learn to sit down =p
Actually, that is a very unlucky phenomenon, because this is a "public restroom design flaw":
In theory the Gentlemen's restroom is well designed with two parts: 1) the urinals; they are strictly for small businesses only, the height is just right, so that there is minimum splash damage, if used correctly (see Corribus' point 5 and below) and no one sits down on it and 2) the bowls, basically possible to use both ways, but intended for big buisenesses only.
In practise, however, this design is ignoring two male character traits which sabotage this design:
1) Men don't ever grow up and like to PLAY (not to mention boys as well); if alcohol comes into play (and occasionally it does), the drive to play may be too strong to resist, and Corribus's point #5 comes into play, virtually (there ARE those, who use their tool as a drawing device, especially when there are sifting devices over the urinal to prevent throwing in cigarette butts and so on).
2) Men are competetive - but only when they give themselves decent chances. There are those who feel uncomfortable peeing publicly, while flanked by a model athlet on the right and a porn star on the left, and there is nothing more awkward than having gone 5 minutes too early (since there was a convenient window) and now things won't get in motion, while left and right rivers are gushing accompanied by grunts of relief. Also there are those who feel inadequately equipped and don't like demonstrating the fact in public - even if it's all just imagined. After all, you learn, when you are young, and kids are merciless. So it was absolutely in the realm of the possible that suddenly you might hear someone yelling: "LOOK AT THAT GUY! GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS FOR SMALLEST DICK EVER!"
This leads to a sizable part of men going into a cabin and into relative privacy even for small business, and now the general rule for using public restrooms comes into play: don't sit down if it's not strictly necessary!
However, height difference is too big when peeing standing over a bowl. Depending on the hitting angle, pressure and long range targeting abilities, major splash damage is inevitable.
Which is the problem.
And that brings me to another question:
Did you realize there are two kinds of men at the urinal:
1) The serious, concentrated type, firmly fixed on HIS business, HIS dong, HIS urinal, looking STRAIGHT ahead (or down)
2) The curious, playful type, oftentimes because it takes a few seconds, until things get rolling, but even when it flows, who look around, left, right, even leaning slightly forward to get a better look, watching, noticing, comparing, smiling. Whistling, even.
Also, with some you'd think they wrestle or strangle the last few drops out, so violently they are moving around shortly before finishing...
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