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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted October 07, 2014 08:43 PM |
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Noobx, I'm not gonna give a lengthy criticism of your work so far, since it's written sort of in the heat of the moment and it shows. That can be a good thing however and I hate being mean to someone who is interested in writing at such a young age, so I will tell you what lines I like.
Quote:
Facing my fears
The end - it nears
You could even do away with the punctuation for this line. I like this line a lot, since it sounds like the mantra of a truly desperate man. The use of language is nothing special, but the flow of the line is great.
Quote:
A cold wind blows in my face
Mockingly
I like this imagery a lot. Mostly because I imagine a puffy cloud (with a puffy face that glares at you) chasing you, taking your lunch money and then blowing in your face.
Quote:
Two pearls
Their meaning I ponder
So do I 
Anyway, closing thoughts and my advice for you, if you feel like getting really good at this or trying to be (I am super bad at poetry, it's not even funny):
- Try to avoid cliches
- Poetry doesn't have to make a grammatical or verbal lick of sense. If you're going for strictly grammatical sentences that string together neatly, consider prose. Try to express the confusion of your emotions through your writing without explicitly saying what your emotions are.
Stupid meaningless exercise to illustrate my point:
Instead of writing:
I am mad and sad
I am mad
and a little sad
- DagothGares 7/10/2014
try this:
Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage.
- Smashing Pumpkins at some point in time
Anyway, I like what you're doing, noobx. I hope you don't take my opinion too harshly. Of course I can be wrong, I'm not a published poet, after all. And at the end of the day. If she likes your writing, isn't that the only thing that really matters?
____________
If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted October 07, 2014 10:29 PM |
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Quote:
Quote:
Facing my fears
The end - it nears
You could even do away with the punctuation for this line. I like this line a lot, since it sounds like the mantra of a truly desperate man. The use of language is nothing special, but the flow of the line is great.
In this line I was alluding to her birthday. Today I faced my fears and wrote her a poem, instead of just posting "Happy birthday blah blah" on her wall. The simplicity in these two lines comes from the fact that nothing much came to my mind except for her, thus making it look like I didn't give it a lot of thought.
Quote:
Quote:
A cold wind blows in my face
Mockingly
I like this imagery a lot. Mostly because I imagine a puffy cloud (with a puffy face that glares at you) chasing you, taking your lunch money and then blowing in your face.
This one was about my current situation. The cold wind symbolizes the hardships I have to go through. By adding "Mockingly" I wanted to say that I'm powerless against it, and that it simply wants to put me down by making me look like a fool. Lots of symbolism in my songs, so yeah there's that 
Quote:
Quote:
Two pearls
Their meaning I ponder
So do I
You just can't imagine how precious she's to me now. The pearls, a metaphor for eyes, and eyes, the mirrors of one's soul; I think you can figure out what I wanted to say in this one 
Quote:
Anyway, closing thoughts and my advice for you, if you feel like getting really good at this or trying to be (I am super bad at poetry, it's not even funny):
- Try to avoid cliches
- Poetry doesn't have to make a grammatical or verbal lick of sense. If you're going for strictly grammatical sentences that string together neatly, consider prose. Try to express the confusion of your emotions through your writing without explicitly saying what your emotions are.
Stupid meaningless exercise to illustrate my point:
Instead of writing:
I am mad and sad
I am mad
and a little sad
- DagothGares 7/10/2014
try this:
Despite all my rage
I am still just a rat in a cage.
- Smashing Pumpkins at some point in time
Anyway, I like what you're doing, noobx. I hope you don't take my opinion too harshly. Of course I can be wrong, I'm not a published poet, after all.
Truth be told, I wasn't into poetry until a week ago! Before, I was more rational and didn't actually do a lot of writing.
And one night she just waltzed into my dream. I had to relieve myself of all these feels and I figured I could write about her and how much I love her. Didn't expect that people would appreciate what I wrote, but hey, they did.
I try to write in a way that I could get my message over into the poem and to the people who read it, but still be free to write as I feel like. That's why there are chaotic verses everywhere. Rhyme is nice from time to time, but there have been situations in which I couldn't come up with any rhymes, so I just continued on a whim.
Quote:
And at the end of the day. If she likes your writing, isn't that the only thing that really matters?
It's awesome that she likes it, but it's also nice if you like it too. All criticism is appreciated
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted October 09, 2014 04:22 PM |
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Edited by NoobX at 16:22, 09 Oct 2014.
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Destiny unfolds, a new era is coming
I'm confused as to what to do
Once more
Standing at the doors
Of a darker realm
I'm shaking at the thought
A thought of losing all
Here, I am here
Waiting anxiously
Take another look
See what I've been missin'
What I've been missin' for so long
Dreamin' 'bout it again
Can't get it out of my head
Not yet
Seems so long ago
Didn't know a thing
Was a fool back then
Back when this wasn't real
It was all so strange to me
I'm still waiting anxiously
And now I truly know
What I've been missin'
What I've been missin' all along.
____________
Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted October 09, 2014 05:48 PM |
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Edited by fred79 at 17:50, 09 Oct 2014.
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off the top of my head:
hickory dickory dock
i'll bash your face with a rock
beat you black and blue
'til there's red on my shoe
and seeping into my sock.
@ noobx: that looks like a song. you should start a band.
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted October 09, 2014 07:14 PM |
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fred79 said:
@ noobx: that looks like a song. you should start a band.
I've been thinking about that, but there are a few of things getting in my way.
I don't know how to play any instrument, and I don't have a (good) voice for singing. Also, there's no one willing to start a band here, and no bands to join. Sucks living in pop-folk-techno-rap country 
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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fred79
Disgraceful
Undefeatable Hero
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posted October 09, 2014 11:06 PM |
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Edited by fred79 at 23:07, 09 Oct 2014.
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i wrote a handful of songs, when i wanted to be a singer. lol, i can't sing. i really, really suck. found that out when i watched a video of me singing a song from "the chronic" some years back, while i was drunk, and taking a piss. yeah, the dude followed me into the bathroom with the camera i had been taping the party the building was having, and filmed me pissing and singing along with the headphones in my ears.
"why did you have headphones in your ear at a party?", i hear you ask. because they were playing "radio rap". crunk ****, which is, understandably, ****. 
but back to the songs i wrote. horrible. not unlike most of my poetry. 
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted October 12, 2014 11:53 PM |
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Edited by NoobX at 23:54, 12 Oct 2014.
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A black hole in my chest
Do I need to say more?
Pathetic attemp of venting my feelings
Do they sell new hearts at the stores?
Not that it matters
Nothing actually does anymore
Where your brain goes blind
Your emotions take control
Been feelin' like ****
As dark as Slipknot's Iowa
Back and forth all the time
Were you expecting a rhyme here?
You don't always get what you want
Figured that on my own
Try your luck
You could bite, punch or claw
And if that doesn't work
Take out you gun
Raise it up, serious face on
Didn't say it would be fun
Kings and queens don't live forever
Same goes for you
Goddammit, watch where you're going
You've stepped into the poo
Insensitive towards your pain
Mine's too much to bear
Middle ground doesn't exist
Still, my bet's that you don't care
Been falling for to long
Can't remember when I tripped
There's a strange sensation under my skin
As if my guts have been ripped
I want out.
____________
Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted October 13, 2014 03:46 AM |
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If you ever want me to take off kiddie gloves, let me know.
Commentary about what I liked is underneath them each time.
Quote:
Do they sell new hearts at the stores?
...
Where your brain goes blind
The lines are not connected, but I like the sense of helplessness you evoke when you feel janky. In these lines you are either a doomed funny man or you do not care anymore what happens, you just want to get fixed. Your mind's bent out of shape and you joke, but maybe you don't?
Quote:
You don't always get what you want
Figured that on my own
10/10 would chuckle again. This is a very rebellious line. It hits like a suckerpunch, especially when it follows lines like "A black hole in my chest/ Do I need to say more?"
Your previous lines are rebellious, but they feel that way, because you are rebelling against your own rules in that. You are criticising yourself when you say I was expecting a rhyme. I wasn't, after all.
But this line rebels against the reader, hence its strength. I like it.
Quote:
There's a strange sensation under my skin
"So it begins/ The way the blood still dances beneath the skin" is one of my favorite lines I pluck from songs and it reminded me of that. It's an indescribable itch, a precursor to something. Whether it's a precuror to despair or rage or whatever doesn't matter so much.
Anyway, I like your writing when you're trying to be funny but you're actually sad, except you are as funny as a bloody nose. Which means, it is all right, depending on whose nose got bloodied. I like it, though. You get a little bit more anarchistic in your sensibilities.
EDIT:
Quote:
but back to the songs i wrote. horrible. not unlike most of my poetry.
Dude, I know that feeling. I am cursed with the ability to see poetry in its veins, but I can't write it to save my soul.
____________
If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted October 13, 2014 06:47 AM |
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Wait, what kiddie gloves?
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted October 15, 2014 02:40 PM |
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Kiddie gloves, man!
Anyway, found some scraps of not 100% angst poetry (more like 90%). I am terrible and these are originally Dutch poems, so I don't even know why I bother, but here goes, everyone writes to be read. If you feel lik throwing up I don't blame you. I don't do 100% literal translations. I try to recapture the essence of the poem by either trying to keep the same tempo, alliteration or rhyme. Doing all of that and keeping a literal translation is impossible or makes the texts uglier than they need to be.
"The muse of art
Break me, my muse,
Hurt me, torment me, kill me
so that I can work with
madness as my companion
Gentlest, sweetest, cutest oppressor
hurt me, show no mercy
kick in my ribs as I lie
shove glass down my throat
press in my eyes, rend
my heart with your gentle
claws, scatter me
that I may find beauty in ugliness"
- Dagoth around 2010-2011
"An old body dies bonely
Mine as horn, nails and hairs
An old story of ghosts
jokes around in my chest
My limbs hook against each other
Like great wings I open
A pair of gardening scissors and gauze
Waves break on my mouth
Feathers dwindle iron on skin
A red man sheds his skin
I am an old bird between candles
I am a flower out of a furnace
Glowing and iron I bloom
I fly crookedly I do not fly"
- Dagoth definitely around 2011
This one has a title:
"Midnight
Again I stand in silence
wreathed in fabrics staring
at the clock
That relentless keeper of time poses
that it's horribly late and I'm not tired
TICK TACK TOCK
it sounds and a world where wary creatures wander
deploys itself in front of me whispers
go to bed
but my inhabitants of spirit
that shoosh me fail catasstrophically
the thoughts
don't desert me under a pile of blankets
in my innards in my blood vessels
they lurk
And I lie eyes wide open
I lie and try to remember when
I slept last."
- Dagoth definitely around 2010.
If someone likes reading these, i've got a huge bunch more.
____________
If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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markkur
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
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posted October 15, 2014 03:28 PM |
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Edited by markkur at 15:31, 15 Oct 2014.
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DagothGares said:
"Midnight"
Again I stand in silence
wreathed in fabrics staring
at the clock
That relentless keeper of time poses
that it's horribly late and I'm not tired
If someone likes reading these, i've got a huge bunch more.
<Imo> a natural poet is born by that "angst"; it's like a first language and after time we learn and refine after some effort. My early stuff was full of buried emotion that often came out in some form of anger. The thing is, I felt a "fire or need" (I prefer Fire  ) to write "something" down. Like I said; to me this is the birth of a poet, sort of a hard-wiring that can be taken advantage of and channeled into more disciplined expressions. But we have to start somewhere and I think "venting is a the typical first step for us all.
As to your poem Midnight; I struck the same chord once upon a time, so since you've shared...I'll follow suit.
"Tempest Fugent"
Master of all,
the world beckons your call,
measuring life itself.
You stand back in content,
to watch how you are spent,
the clock upon the shelf.
You're always around to remind,
sooner or later you'll find.
just how much life we're livin'.
For the minutes pass by,
time really does fly,
we can't keep what we're given
For like sand through our fingers,
time never lingers.
No matter what we do.
Your clones are in every place,
we can always see your face.
You won't let us forget you.
But while you're running,
the day is coming,
that you'll be in Heaven ever more.
But in no halls,
and on no walls,
just locked behind eternity's door.
By Markkur 1982
Dagoth, about your e-mail and contacts. If you'd like to pursue the topic semi-casually...I'd be happy to talk poetry anytime; maybe a nod towards a mini-"inklings" thing?<L> What do you think?
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted October 15, 2014 03:55 PM |
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I check my HCM everyday. Maybe I'll actually make that e-mail adress in my signature box, but I rarely check my mails, since I don't often expect em. Otherwise I'm open to anything.
You may be right about the angst being a reasonable catalyst. I however experience that it is hard to go above that and just write beautifully. I'm generally better at prose, since I can make interesting content, but interesting form is much harder for me. Since poetry can't really go too deep into semantics, you have to express everything purely through form.
Also, thanks for sharing your stuff. For the record I like Jukebox, because I'm a sucker for poetry that "sings." Don't really know how else to describe it.
To illustrate.
Quote:
It’s hard to take it easy and not get cat scratch fever
This line dances around in your mouth a bit and plays with your imagination. I like lines like those.
____________
If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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artu
Promising
Undefeatable Hero
My BS sensor is tingling again
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posted October 16, 2014 01:29 AM |
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I used to be you
before life, not before a night
that counts
as a stimulation of tomorrow. Now
I am vacuum of paper white
Such a wilderness of hospitality,
they drink vodka with you, teach you all the exotic fruits you can blend in
Singing along "I used to be you, I used to be you"
You only count. A dolphin figured it was blue
up and down, not paper white. Out.
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted October 16, 2014 11:32 AM |
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I'm withering
And you're gone
I'm suffering
And my life is done
Come back
I'm as cold as a stone
Warm me up
Keep me alive
All I see is black
You are my light
Chained to the ground
Need my freedom
An inner peace
Pounded into the dirt
Buried deep
So I can't get out
Talk to me
I'm losing sanity
Be my cure
The antidote
For every poison
I look to you
For salvation
From the everyday evil
And pray
That one day
We will walk together
Holding hands
Towards the setting sun
____________
Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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markkur
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
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posted October 16, 2014 06:16 PM |
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Edited by markkur at 02:33, 17 Oct 2014.
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DagothGares said:
For the record I like Jukebox, because I'm a sucker for poetry that "sings." Don't really know how else to describe it.
TY That's a very fine compliment.  For me, that is what the purest form of poetry is...it's a song of words. (i.e. "Lays") After all, for a very long time songwriting and poetry have been tightly knit inside the music profession and for very good reason.
Note: I am in no way wanting to limit what poetry is; because (I always detested limits and would not abide them)for me its spans the "entire horizon of human emotion" and therefore should do what WE do. Every poem is an expression from a soul and this "word-art" is as dependent upon the beholder, as is art from paint or sound.
I'm old now and here's my latest angst of a sort. It's not a rage from a cage but it's the classic...mage turned sage.
"Bitten by the Bytegod"
Because you hold a mouse;
you shouldn't?
you couldn't?
you wouldn't?
need anyone
of blood
that bled
that bleeds
Markkur 10/14
Note" Anyone that's been @ HC for a bit will see a wee bit of shout-out to a certain creed oft' repeated. <L> But unfortunately for me it's a very serious concern and much larger than only my single life.
Cheers all
Edit: As I expected my little ditty would draw no comment. The biggest reason by far is likely...perspective...meaning...who cares? means nothing to me or just rubbish...whatever. it's all fine, again I expected that and for important reasons.
It's brutally short with little of anything to understand the meaning I intend. Without some prose explanation, these bullet-lines "might" seem high-minded, heavy and many, many other negative reactions.
The only venue or audience that I "might" have a shot with is those that are fighting the same sort of fight I am and of course, it's doubtful I'd find lots of company here. Grandpa dotcom would be better suited.
The concern I have is that the internet is a fast and easy (often better) replacement for talking to grandparents; seeking them out etc. Why the heck ask them anything at all, when knowledge is a google away? However I don't believe this is all about my role, I think it can impact every role & relationship.
So, in my brief and crappy way, I made my private gripe about all blood-ties and inserted the age old woulda-shoulda-coulda about getting close to loved ones. "That bled" refers to anyone that's lived and gained experience and "That bleeds" means they are still kicking and in the fight for life.
I said <imo> anything can go into this art form. However, common sense applies and I truly ignored that so I could speak about poetry and perspective.
Hope is what worth it for at least one. 
____________
"Do your own research"
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted October 18, 2014 10:18 AM |
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Sorry for not commenting, Markkur!
Nice song with a nice message. I like how it carries an important message while it's so deceively simple. You really should be posting more of your creations here
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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markkur
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
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posted October 18, 2014 05:39 PM |
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Edited by markkur at 17:53, 18 Oct 2014.
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NoobX said:
You really should be posting more of your creations here
Wow. That was weird. Some how I logged on at the top of the page and the quote posted? Must have been an old acid flashback.
Anyway, NoobX thanks for commenting. Glad you shared the thought. I did post a few years ago but no one appeared to care, well except that Sweet Mother Mod. I've thought about posting a small collection of "moments & feelings" sort of stuff. But who posts for scorn or jests? Unless that's my purpose for the writing of course; and I do have a little of that too.
I have an idea. I doubt it's unique but I think it could be fun and more importantly for any brave enough for the challenge...a wee bit of "focused-effort."
How about we fashion an assignment; i.e. writing a set number of lines for each of say 5 emotions?
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NoobX
Undefeatable Hero
Now, this is a paradox...
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posted October 18, 2014 07:38 PM |
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Count me out. If it comes down to focusing on what I write, then I won't be able to write anything.
I simply let my emotions guide me through the writing process and end up with a horrible-yet-pretty-good-in-a-weird-way poem.
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Ghost said:
Door knob resembles anus tap.
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markkur
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Once upon a time
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posted October 18, 2014 08:44 PM |
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I understand perfectly. What poetry will mean to you in the future ofc depends entirely upon you. The fact that you use it as a tool now is a great idea in its own right.
What do you think about my sharing a take on "life-events" through time? Any interest or not?
And where are you Dagoth? Not even a grunt to know you're still here.
For what it's worth, I'm not talking major efforts to end up being work. Lord how I dislike the difficulty of text...unless is in poetry. <L>
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JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted October 18, 2014 08:59 PM |
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Dagoth! You snow! Had we known this we would have given you the time during our little endeavour to recite for us!
(and azzie would have totally smacked your head for being such a gloom)
____________
DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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This thread is pages long: 
