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Heroes Community > Other Side of the Monitor > Thread: Life after 30 is just as bad as I thought
Thread: Life after 30 is just as bad as I thought This thread is 3 pages long: 1 2 3 · «PREV
monere
monere


Supreme Hero
posted November 08, 2019 06:46 PM

OhforfSake said:
I haven't cracked the code on how to make time feel longer.
get a job you don't like. It will feel like an eternity

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OhforfSake
OhforfSake


Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
posted November 08, 2019 07:41 PM

I already tried something like that, and it felt like time went even faster.

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Blizzardboy
Blizzardboy


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Custom Status
posted November 08, 2019 09:08 PM

1. Healthy diet and lifestyle

2. Mind altering drugs
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Zenofex
Zenofex


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
posted November 08, 2019 09:13 PM
Edited by Zenofex at 21:43, 08 Nov 2019.

Got some time to put up a longer comment on this existential topic, so...
Quote:
1. If you lived to 30, there's a good chance someone you cared for didn't.

The chance is nearly 100%. Yet that alone means nothing, you can lose people you like or love before you turn 15. Insert any age. People typically think there's some schedule according to which they should "normally" start losing relatives and friends but there isn't. The thing is getting used to that fact and if you've been lucky to get emotionally wise enough (if you haven't by the age of 30, then you're somewhat late) before your special ones start departing, then that should not be any bigger issue for your than realizing that you may also die tomorrow just like that.

Quote:
2. People surrounding you tend to may seem to think in different terms.

That depends on what people surround you. If you're part of the minority or THE minority in whatever group, people will inevitably think in different terms when discussing stuff related to what makes this group... well, a group. I suppose you mean your actual friends have all (or most of them at least) adhered to the social standard of getting married and having children while you're not following that line - then the question is does that obstruct your friendship in any way? If yes, and seriously enough, then there's no point in maintaining it. Otherwise would that bother you? Everybody lives his/her own life.

Quote:
3. Your friends turn their focus to kids.

I guess that translates to - you're getting sort of... abandoned? You can't do anything about it - if they are good parents, their priorities will be their kids, not their friends (or anybody else for that matter). That doesn't make them bad friends or anything, it's just a normal development. Since you can't fight that - no point in even trying to - better find yourself something to do in the time which until recently you were spending with your friends and is now free. It's never late to start a new hobby for example, trust me.

Quote:
4. Aside from discovering you're not immortal, you may also discover you're no longer healthy.

Yeah, immortality ends around 26-27, physically and mentally. If you're not rock-hard stubborn however, you'll find how you can maintain your health which a few years ago was fueled magically by some endless stream of cosmic energy or whatever, free of charge. Change what you eat, what you drink, how much you move (and where, moving a lot in a smog-choked city is quite different from moving in the forest), when you go to bed and all other details which could actively be undermining your health. Unless you have some lethal sickness or have lived a completely berserker life until that point, everything else is repairable and improvable until much later than 30.

Quote:
5. Unless you are in a HAPPY relationship, you may experience that you no longer are surrounded by easy targets.

Well, this I really don't get. Easy targets for what, one night stand? That's not my thing so can't comment on it. If you're looking for a serious relationship, there are no "easy targets", you have to invest quite some time and effort if you want to make it work. Love from first sight which continues for 50 years is bull****.

Quote:
6. Peer pressure intensifies.

That's an issue if you allow it to be. If you haven't educated your "peers" that it's not their business how you live your life, then get to it. If it requires harder approach, use it. Not living up to someone's expectations is his own problem, as long as you don't share them. If you do however, that's another story - then the only valid approach is to analyze what has gone wrong and work to get it right.

Quote:
7. Work.

Assuming that you don't hate your work passionately (if so, quit next Monday, no kidding), you can change employers relatively often. Every year or so, until you come up with something which is not a constant flow of repetitive operations for acceptably long time (no way to get rid of tedious work completely). If you're not happy with the field you're employed in, then start working on developing sellable skills for something you like to do - getting stuck with a job you don't like for a long time will suck you dry.

Quote:
8. Future. Or lack thereof.

Future is actually the most poisonous abstraction when you want to feel good with yourself, because you constantly think of some imaginary, literally nonexistent image of you which supposedly should appear after X weeks, months or years. Respectively if it doesn't, you have failed your future you (read - that nonexistent image). You're not going to be Ip Man, Usain Bolt or Garry Kasparov - and what of it? "Having a talent" is far from the same as having fun in doing something and that is what your actual aim is. If you really like to learn something you don't know and have no physical or mental disabilities that handicap you, then you will do so - the alternative is that you actually don't want to learn it and are happier with complaining.

Bottom line is - you've been hit by a mid-life crisis which is a continuation of the mid-twenties crisis and with time will evolve into pre-seniority crisis.

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monere
monere


Supreme Hero
posted November 09, 2019 03:50 AM

OhforfSake said:
I already tried something like that, and it felt like time went even faster.
that's not possible. I think you're trolling me

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Drakon-Deus
Drakon-Deus


Legendary Hero
TPFKADD
posted November 09, 2019 05:15 AM

JoonasTo said:


Drakon-Deus said:
So, to the 30's I say: Here is my hand. Show me your secrets. I am not afraid!

Not specifically to you but all (young) people:

1. If there is ever a moment where you hesitate if something is worth it. Just do it. You can always regret what you did but it's a million times better than regretting something you didn't do.

2. Unless you plan to be a millionaire and stop working once you hit 30 spend all your money, credit and absolutely all of your time doing what you love or might fall in love with. You might be screwed and poor later with no job, money, or a leg but you have all your life to pay it back, you can't get back the time you wasted studying, working and saving.




Good advice, I say. Thank you!
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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted November 10, 2019 11:57 AM

Zenofex, the problem with your reply is:

I already know that stuff. You don't come with an insightful response by telling me it's normal.

I know it is. It just sucks.

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Zenofex
Zenofex


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
posted November 10, 2019 12:31 PM

I'm not trying to shower you with pearls of wisdom, you probably also know that you sound like billions of other people who have passed their thirties and suddenly found out that they'll never become the greatest whatevers and the road ahead is rockier than the one behind. "It sucks" however is incredibly spoiled. There are people who are fighting for their lives every day, people who never make it to 30, people who have to live with disabilities which barely make them humans and deny them 95% of the things you take for granted, people who are denied simple things you've grown so accustomed with that you think they are natural as f*** - try depicting yourself as one of them for a moment and you'll probably realize what REALLY sucks. Most people hate their lives at one point or another but realize how much they actually have had after they lose it. You sound like someone who still have a lot to lose without knowing it.

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Salamandre
Salamandre


Admirable
Omnipresent Hero
Wog refugee
posted November 10, 2019 01:31 PM

You need a family, that's all about. Both inner and outside burden is halved.

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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted November 10, 2019 01:47 PM
Edited by Doomforge at 13:51, 10 Nov 2019.

Zenofex said:
You sound like someone who still have a lot to lose without knowing it.


Then you should re-read the posts in this thread. My best friend just died a couple days ago. I just attented to his funeral yesterday. You probably post this with good intents, but it comes out pretty pompous, the "thank-you-captain-obvious" kind of way.

Plus, grand tragedies don't mean that little things suddenly stop mattering. I prefer to see it as a big picture with some things being major middle fingers from life itself, and others just being delusions or hopes shattered.

But every dream silenced hurts, even if it's not in the same tier as real tragedies out there.

Calling "it sucks" spoiled is pretty awkward. What are you trying to prove here? That you are humble, or wise, or you see the bigger picture better, or that you're so incredibly stoic that you just shrug? It DOES suck. What, losing friends doesn't suck? Getting ill doesn't suck? Having people die around you doesn't suck? It's exactly that : "suckage" part of life. And once you get to your thirties, the suckage intensifies. That's exactly what I'm ranting about.

You didn't seem to get the memo:

Doomforge said:
Note: this IS a rant thread. If your natural response to rant threads is "stop whining, change something, blah blah" - do me a favor and don't post, lol.

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monere
monere


Supreme Hero
posted November 10, 2019 03:31 PM
Edited by monere at 15:39, 10 Nov 2019.

Don't be harsh on Zenofex, Doom! I have read his replies twice and he's been well-intended and supportive. I actually found wisdom - practical wisdom, that is - in everything he's said. Later on, when your crisis cools down, you will learn to appreciate his words.

I have gone through a depressive state for 8 years between 2004 and 20012, and I was feeling just like you are feeling now. I have never had many good friends, I've had a big family and many close relatives that I still have today and which are all nice people, helpful and all. But I've never had really good friends that would think and like the same things as me, but the closest I've had to this type of friend have been 3 high school colleagues. When I have finished high school, and 2-3 years into college we would still keep in touch weekly and do what we did in high school (go swimming, go play football, play Heroes 3, Starcraft, Bomberman, Fifa, etc)... but then have come the dreaded 2002 and 2003 years. My "friends" would almost be done with college, some of them would get a job, and most of them would engage in a family, all-the-while they would start playing WoW online, obviously ignoring our relationship more and more each day to the point where we would only talk at Christmas and New Year's parties, and only cold talking stuff like "wow, haven't seen you in ages, what's up? What have you been up to? Let's go out sometime, let's go play football, etc. etc" .... The moment I was about to convince them about doing something together like in the old days their wives/girlfriends would come and break the atmosphere, and they would leave the party early because they'd need to visit other relatives, or the kid needs to be attended to, and so on. It's in those moments when I have felt completely alone and without perspective. I was being imperceptibly cast aside by society because I didn't have a job or a family, while my "best friends" from high school, the guys I would have the best time of my life with without even convincing each other to do something because we have always been on the same wave length... those guys have been no more anymore. So, my depression has started kicking in, I was just going to college because I had to, but I couldn't care less. And on top of this, my college colleagues would also be married and with children most of them (I was 25 at that time, while most of them would be 35 and older). Only the fact that I was going on to Uni and then back home would keep the blues at bay cause it would let me forget for an hour each day about my condition. But then, as I would get back home (I even had a 5hitty computer at that time, most of the time broken than working) depression would kick in again and I'd just lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours on end, every day for the next 8 years. Between 2003 and 2012 I don't think I have left the house more than 20-30 times a year, and only to go to exams, or to buy something from shop because my parents would see the state I was in and figured that this quick trip to the store and back would help me recover.

During all this time when my high school friends (we have been one of the most united classes in high school, and I've had one of the best bonds with those guys while in high school that a guy my age could hope for) would live their lives, with jobs, families, and an income, while I would have nothing, not even a bloody computer to immerse myself into video games and forget about everything. I am even a slightly more sensitive guy than average, and so I took all these states even harder than normal, which is what has contributed to my deep depression.

Anyway, during these times I would find refugy in music, and games that I could play on my 5hitty computer (mostly games that I have grown up with, like Heroes, Mortal Kombat, Bomberman, Starcraft, etc.). Needless to say that most of these games would bring me no joy anymore because I used to play them in multiplayer, but single player only Heroes would still bring some joy because I would landlock the AI somehwere where it couldn't bother me, while I would let my creativity and organizational spirit clear the map by the rules I wanted. It's been during this time (of heavy depression) when I have played H3 WoG like a madman, several hours a day for years on end. This, and the music (I would put ABBA's Voulez Vouz, Elton John's Blues For Baby and Me, and Harpo's Jessica songs on repeat and would listen to them 20 hours a day, every day, for years).

This is how I have coped with depression, a state similar to yours, except that mine has been worse. I don't remember how I've overcome that state (actually, I don't think I have overcome it, I think it's still rooted in my psyche, but it's dormant or something), but something that's helped me overcome it has been - like Zenofex has said - finding a hobby. Purposely setting a goal for myself that would allow me to ignore the depression. That's when I started visiting HC, and setting my mind to create the best Heroes-like game ever, which I'm still working on today, too, but which is also in the "put ideas on paper" phase.

And with this idea in mind, and working on it whenever I had time I figured that in order to create this game I would need peace and quiet, so I can create something groundbreaking, and in order to get that peace and quiet I need my own place where no one could bother me, and in order to get my own place I need money, and in order to get money I need a job, and in order to get a job I need to move my lazy ass from my parent's house.

Reaching with the thought in this point I have decided to do something about it if I wish to create this game - and I do - and this is how I have gotten in Netherlands, where I'm writing this message from, from a crappy laptop that I've paid 450 EUROS for but which can't run any game.

As a side note, after 2012-2013 when I have finally gotten out of the depressive state (for good I hope) my old high school friends have suddenly remember that I exist and they have wanted us to get together again. Probably they have settled down and now they need friends more than family. But no, I don't do half business. They have not wanted me back then because I seemed like a paria to them, I don't want them in my life anymore either. I might be right to think and act like this, I might be wrong. I don't know, nor do I care anymore. I just know that I have something to accomplish, that I have my own life and road in front of me, and if they have taken care of their own goals completely ignoring my cries of help when I needed them, so can I do the same then. I have politely rejected their requests of getting together and now I'm carrying my own cross on my shoulder, without crying for help anymore. If I die, so be it! I have had a 5hitty life by my standards, and now it's too late to fix it. So I have chosen to move ahead with whatever goals I have set to myself and whether or not I will be able to accomplish those goals is up to God now, because personally, I am doing everything that I can.

Moral of the story: don't be mean to people who try to help you. We are all in the same 5hit called "life", but everyone needs to carry their own cross. Your friend is gone? It sucks, but that's how life is. You need to find yourself new balance points and move on.

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Zenofex
Zenofex


Responsible
Legendary Hero
Kreegan-atheist
posted November 10, 2019 03:35 PM

Quote:

Then you should re-read the posts in this thread. My best friend just died a couple days ago. I just attented to his funeral yesterday. You probably post this with good intents, but it comes out pretty pompous, the "thank-you-captain-obvious" kind of way.

Plus, grand tragedies don't mean that little things suddenly stop mattering. I prefer to see it as a big picture with some things being major middle fingers from life itself, and others just being delusions or hopes shattered.

But every dream silenced hurts, even if it's not in the same tier as real tragedies out there.

Calling "it sucks" spoiled is pretty awkward. What are you trying to prove here? That you are humble, or wise, or you see the bigger picture better, or that you're so incredibly stoic that you just shrug? It DOES suck. What, losing friends doesn't suck? Getting ill doesn't suck? Having people die around you doesn't suck? It's exactly that : "suckage" part of life. And once you get to your thirties, the suckage intensifies. That's exactly what I'm ranting about.


I can ask you similar question - what did you expect when you posted that thread? You got it out, that's good (seriously, no sarcasm here), but you did in a public forum where people can share what they think so you hoped for some specific response from the audience.

If wisdom is accumulated (predominantly bad) experience which has been pondered upon - yeah, I've been growing quite wise throughout the last few years. Don't want to share details nobody here cares about and which will ultimately appear as sort of dick-measuring contest in the context of this thread, but I'm certainly not trying to rephrase some philosophy regarding the thousand-nuanced burdens of life which I have no practical experience with. I suppose other people around also have been through hard times, as well as countless others who are not around. How much it "sucks" is anyone's personal experience but it can "suck" much more. You're alive, you're healthy enough, you're living in a fairly decent part of the world (compare it to Syria or a random African state which in a perpetual civil war for example), you have something in your head and if you don't get hit by a bus or something of that sort - still quite a lot of time to do all sorts of things you want to. Get your priorities straight and work on what's important for you, the world will not become any more just. What Sal says is right, although I'll modify it a little - you need people who care for you. If you already have such people around - you'll be fine, they'll make the world just.

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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted November 10, 2019 04:05 PM

monere, thank you for sharing your story.

Zenofex, I know you're trying to be supportive, I appreciate it. Thing is, there are things that many people, you know - dream about, strive towards, and never get it. Having a true friend is a priviledge that most people never experience. What most people get are mindless buddies that don't give two ****s about them. Standing in front of a grave of a person you could chat hours with and never get bored, which you shared countless experiences with and whom you had tons of plans with is one of the crappiest things to live through.

There is pain of loneliness, which can be countered with going out, meeting people. And then there's this crap, quite the other side of the poop coin: getting such a friend and then losing him. The sad part is there is no way to fix this situation.

While I am grateful to know how awesome it is to have a proper friend (not a random buddy) in life, I am now also aware how much butt it sucks to lose one.

The whole "30 yo = crap" rant is closely related to this and provides reasons why you are quite screwed if you didn't get a friend up till 30, or lost one. It's pretty likely you won't get a friend like that again. And unlike people who never had one, you are pretty aware of what you lost.

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blizzardboy
blizzardboy


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Custom Status
posted November 10, 2019 04:10 PM

Depending on how you metric "happiness" - which there is endless debate over - people in Africa actually rank pretty high if you filter out the large chunk of the population suffering as a result of non-existent healthcare or such. Basically, the healthy population.

It's for pretty much the same reasons Africans Americans are much less likely candidates for suicide compared to white people in the US, in spite of their socioeconomic status. They have belonging and closer-knit communities.

So it's possible Doomforge's life actually sucks quite a lot compared to the average person.
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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted November 10, 2019 04:13 PM
Edited by Doomforge at 16:14, 10 Nov 2019.

I would say it was pretty fine before all of this. I used to moan about Poorland a lot but that's a thing you CAN change. No big deal, TBH.

But this, this is just bollocks. What a cruel joke from "teh life".

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blizzardboy
blizzardboy


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Custom Status
posted November 10, 2019 04:25 PM
Edited by blizzardboy at 16:30, 10 Nov 2019.

Doomforge said:
I would say it was pretty fine before all of this. I used to moan about Poorland a lot but that's a thing you CAN change. No big deal, TBH.

But this, this is just bollocks. What a cruel joke from "teh life".


I am sorry for your loss.

But, if you and your friend had been born on a piece of soil that is a 6 hour drive west of where you live, there's a good chance he would still be alive. Your mortality rate largely depends on things you never earned. So yeah, unfortunately, inequity and injustice in the world does have a lot to do with it imo.

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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted November 10, 2019 04:29 PM
Edited by Doomforge at 16:30, 10 Nov 2019.

This is unfortunately true. His treatment was delayed for a week because the docs were waiting for test results, even though they know what's the problem.

That's because you cannot expect the gov to fund plasmapheresis, an extremely expensive treatment, without a proper reason. And that reason is a confirmed disease through a test. It takes a week.

The gov needs money to give away as social benefits so it can be elected to rule another 4 years; that cash cannot get wasted on saving people's lives. No way.

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Blizzardboy
Blizzardboy


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Custom Status
posted November 10, 2019 04:30 PM
Edited by Blizzardboy at 16:47, 10 Nov 2019.

Yep. The world is a heaping pile of ****.

Somebody else here will have to say something consoling, because I got nothing. Just keep your fists in the air and move forward I guess. Expect little in order to avoid disappointment.
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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted November 10, 2019 04:48 PM

Nah, It's fine. Everything "comforting" that can be said about this event will sound petty no matter what.

It is what it is.

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