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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: ///Léo's House of Humour\\\
Thread: ///Léo's House of Humour\\\ This thread is 3 pages long: 1 2 3 · NEXT»
Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted February 02, 2005 11:50 PM bonus applied.
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 29 Jun 2005

///Léo's House of Humour\\\

Here is what I envision:

This Thread will serve as a place where people can come and have a laugh!!! Nothing else but good 'ol Hardy-har-hars, giggles, and the occasional chuckle. To accomplish this feat, I will be Posting jokes that I get @ work and @ home from family, friends, and co-workers. I won't just be Posting any old joke though, I will only be Posting jokes that I find really funny! The "cream of the crop".

So, strap on your suspenders and get ready to see & read some seriously hilarious stuff!!!

P.S. If anyone else is interested in Posting their own humourous stuff in this Thread, please submit it to me by email 1st. I will then make sure that nothing is against the CoC and will also clean your joke of any "unnecessaries" (i.e. Fwd: Re: >>>). I will then send it back to you with my blessing and you will be free to Post it yourself.

If there is something against the CoC in your joke or if it is simply not funny, your joke will receive my cursing and you will be asked to refrain from Posting it in this Thread.

DISCLAIMER: Some of the material in this Thread might offend people, who are easily offended by innocent things. If you are often easily offended, then do not continue reading this Thread! Some of the material is also "in bad taste" or "politically incorrect", so if you are a bleeding heart type of person , then do not continue reading this Thread!

If for any reason, someone (who did not follow my DISCLAIMER's instructions and kept reading, despite the fact that they are a "momma's boy or girl" ) is insulted, hurt, offended, or outraged by what they see or read in this Thread...then please let me know by email or IM and I will discuss the issue with you or with a Moderator from the Tavern. Thank you very much!

P.S. There are also some funny jokes in these following Threads:

Varuas' Fun,Funny and Jokes!
&
Peacemaker's Humor thread
Joke #1

Get Ready for some of the most idiotic Q & A's ever. These are proof that anyone can get through law school!!!

DISORDER IN THE COURT

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

A: What was the question?
______________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.
______________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_______________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?
_______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?
_______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.
_______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was cutting open his guts.
_______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
_______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Joke #2

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan!

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag!

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it!

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any!

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever!

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities!

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs!

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes!

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife!

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism!

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends!

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you!

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving!

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you!

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA!

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo!"

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday & Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it!

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar!

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"!

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment!

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring!

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe"!

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...", A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!
Joke #3

FREE CAT!!!


Joke #4

Do your part for the environment...RECYCLE!


Joke #5

Pooping at Work - HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work:

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of exposure time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.  This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you at least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Please save this information for future reference... you'll be glad you did.

Happy crapping!
Joke #6

You know it's cold when...


Joke #7

A GOOD IRISH JOKE:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now?! And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Joke #8

Best License Plate ever!


Joke #9

I hate people that forward too many "warnings" as much as anyone else, but this one is REALLY important!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a "survey on body lice" and asks you to take all your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM!!!

They only want to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday...I feel so stupid now!
Joke #10

Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls.  They are very drunk and as the walk home was taking longer than expected, they find themselves in desperate need of a restroom. As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones.  As they finish, they both realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with.

The first women decides to use her underpants and throw them away afterwards which is what she does.  The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose them, but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick, expensive ribbon.  'Just right for the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her, and uses the ribbon.  Their task completed, they continue staggering home.

The next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives.  Mine came home with no underpants on last night!"

You think you've got problems!" exclaims the second husband. My wife came home with a card stuck up her butt that said:

"We'll never forget you! -from all the guys at the fire station!"
Joke #11

The Blonde Snow Line

Trevor and his wife live in the snowy mountains. One winter morning, while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say: "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through."

Trevor's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says: "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through."

Trevor's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week, they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says: "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. You must park...bzt...bzt...", then the electricity goes out.

Trevor's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says: "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Trevor says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
More to come later!
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Conan
Conan


Responsible
Supreme Hero
posted February 02, 2005 11:55 PM
Edited By: Conan on 3 Feb 2005

nice thread dude. here is mine:

NOTE: I just realized this might break the CoC as it could be seen as racist and/or sexist. If it offends you, please IM me and I will delete it.

1)
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...(read these out loud!)
1) That's not right - Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man - Dum Gai

5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here - Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

2)
Words Women  Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut  up.

Five  Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only actually five minutes if she just gave you 5 more minutes to watch the game, before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes.  Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go  Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud  Sigh
Although not  actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's  Okay
This is one of  the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the  least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you...do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

3)
Ten Best Things to Say if you Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

09. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

08. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout.  You probably got here just in time."

07. "I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

06. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

05. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.  Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

04. "Heck!  Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

03. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

02. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"

NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk....
Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."
____________
Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG

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Lich
Lich


Adventuring Hero
posted February 03, 2005 12:06 AM

Hmmmm... What can I see ? I low humor ? Pfff Only retarted and sick people could find joke 3 funny... Pathetic !

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted February 03, 2005 12:13 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 22 Feb 2005

Lich, what are you talking about??? #3 is my favourite!!!

Quote:
Pfff Only retarted and sick people could find joke 3 funny... Pathetic !
Well, I guess that makes me retarded, sick, and Pathetic! Guilty as charged...Hahaha!

Conan, I think you missed the part in my Post about submitting jokes to me 1st, for the proper "inspection" & "clean-up"...I will send you your jokes back without any of the FW: & RE: garbage, so that you can edit your Post and have it look as nice & pretty as that sweet little doggy of yours!
Joke #12

Cool bar-stools! (Received this one from Conan earlier today)


Joke #13

Good quotes for when you are having a bad day! (Received these ones from Pandora yesterday)



&


Joke #14

Swedish Bachelor Party (Received this one from Pandora yesterday)

Look at the picture then read the story…



In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night - these usually last all day and all night. Rather than the typical "English" stag night where you all arrange it beforehand, go out get drunk and hire a stripper, the Swedes do it differently. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed. He might be dressed up in something crazy, and go do something fun. That's when the party starts!

This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60 foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day - much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing nasty happened to him at all.

In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the nightclub, they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden.

Imagine the groom's horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him to see that best mate #1 had no hair on his genitals. Neither did friend #2, #3, or #4! OH DEAR!!

Have another look at that beard of his!!!
More to come later!
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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sirzapdos
sirzapdos


Promising
Famous Hero
Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
posted February 03, 2005 01:57 AM bonus applied.
Edited by pandora on 9 Mar 2006

Quote:
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring!

So funny, yet so wrong. Half of those jokes fit that description.

EDIT: Sirzapdos originaly had recieved a QP for a thread called This or That which was deleted, I moved that QP here so he would still get the credit for it - Yay
____________
So I try to live a complicated world...

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TitaniumAlloy
TitaniumAlloy


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
posted February 03, 2005 08:51 AM

LOL @ #3

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Conan
Conan


Responsible
Supreme Hero
posted February 03, 2005 02:44 PM

OH, sorry there Léo, I read your first post a little bit fast...
I'll send you my other ones then.
____________
Your life as it has been is over. From this time forward, you will service.... us. - Star Trek TNG

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted February 03, 2005 08:04 PM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 3 Feb 2005

Thanks Conan! I appreciate it, buddy!

Joke #15

Friendship (Got this one from Pandora a few days ago)



A "good friend" will come bail you out of jail after a crazy night of drinking & partying, but...a "true friend" will be sitting right next to you, saying:

"Damn, that was awesome!"
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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gorman
gorman


Promising
Legendary Hero
Been around since before 2003
posted February 05, 2005 03:17 AM

Hey Leo, you wanna know something that'll REALLY be funny? When I OWN your THREAD!!
____________
When all else fails... Take notes.... ALL the time... ESPECIALLY when playing D&D.... or Pokemon in my case

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted February 08, 2005 12:51 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 22 Feb 2005

Enjoy the ownership while you can Gorman, it won't last long!

Joke #16

Intelligent creature

Smart Bird
Joke #17

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your face on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying:

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Joke #18

Everyone could use a couple of these every now-&-then!


Joke #19

SuperBowl Commercials! (Just choose your media & bandwith on the right side)

Click here

SKY DIVER: He must be an American pilot, because no real Canadian would want that Bud Light swill!

PICTURE PHONE: Funny stuff!

APPLAUSE: Not funny, but amazing! I had shivers & goosebumps the whole time.
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted February 10, 2005 10:37 PM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 10 Feb 2005

Joke #20

Typical Male

I  got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you  last saw me."

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah?", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days."

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself."  she giggled.

So, I told her to forget the whole thing & hung up the phone.
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Trogdor
Trogdor


Legendary Hero
Words in a custom title
posted February 11, 2005 10:37 AM
Edited By: Trogdor on 12 Feb 2005

A joke.............. or more

A woman went to a laundromat to do her washing after noticing some stains on her panties. She wrote a note saying 'use more soap on panties'. After the clothes have been washed, there was a note saying 'use more paper on a**'.
____________
"Through the power of the dollar you can communicate with the dead." - Artu

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ratmonky
ratmonky


Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
posted February 11, 2005 05:45 PM

Saving for College

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.

As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

____________
Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted February 12, 2005 01:19 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 22 Feb 2005

Ahem...guys?!

Trogdor & Ratmonky, you seem to have missed the point that I would like to proofread any jokes that will be entered into this Thread. Please respect this small request...I am willing to do all of the 'dirty' work for you, after all.
Joke #21

"Manhood" requests a raise! (I got this one from Jebus today)

*I, "Manhood", hereby formally request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

>I do physical labour.
>I work at great depths.
>I plunge head first into everything I do.
>I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
>I don't get paid overtime.
>I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
>I work in high temperatures.
>My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

*Dear "Manhood", after assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raise, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

>You do not work 8 hours straight.
>You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
>You do not always follow the orders of the Management team.
>You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
>You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
>You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
>You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
>You will retire well before you are 65.
>You are unable to work double shifts.
>You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
>And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

*Sincerely, Management.
Joke #22

Do you know...

what happens...

at...

night...

on...

your....

desk....

after...

having...

shut down...

the...

computer...

?

?

?

?

?

!!



WASH YOUR HANDS!!!
Joke #23

Blonde Pole Dancer (I also got this one from Jebus today)

Scroll down slowly...

Open discreetly...

Safe for work, though...

Don't worry...


____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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IveGotThePower
IveGotThePower


Adventuring Hero
ninjasuperkingheromutantsnail
posted February 12, 2005 10:55 AM

US Air Force Maintenance

Here are some actual Squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the
replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that
pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "The autopilot doesn´t work."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Solution: "Live bugs on order."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."

Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "IFF inoperative."

Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Solution: "That´s what they´re there for."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "The plain is acting funny."

Solution: "The plain has been told to pull itself together, fly properly and
be serious!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Problem: "The radar makes weird noises."

Solution: "The radar has been reprogrammed to speak."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Problem: "Suspicion of mice in the cockpitt."

Solution: "Cat installed."


____________
"Dear Humanity, we regret being alien snows, we regret coming to earth, and we most certainly regret the Corps destroying our raggedy ass fleet!" HOO-RAH!!

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted February 22, 2005 01:13 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 21 Feb 2005

Here's a fresh batch of goodies...yum!

Joke #24

How to make the Olympic Games more interesting: (Got these from Jebus last week)


























____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted February 22, 2005 08:27 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 22 Feb 2005

There's lots more where that came from...

Joke #25:

The following statements were taken off actual recordings from Police cruisers around the country...

"Relax the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them for awhile."

"If you take your hands off the car I'll make your Birth Certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that's the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going...I guess that means I can write anything that I want on the ticket huh?"

"Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor but I don't think it will help.  Oh and did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning? You want a warning?! Okay! I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair?! Listen, fair is a place where you go on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven!"

"Just how big were those two beers fellah?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have limits but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want!"

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.  At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You thought we didn't give pretty ladies tickets? You're right, we don't...here's your ticket."
Joke #26:

The Old Pond

An elderly man in Florida has owned a large farm for several decades. There is a large pond in the back that is fixed up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple & peach trees. The farmer made sure to have the pond properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was dug.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there in a few days to look it over. On his way he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices giggling and laughing with glee. As he approached even closer, he saw that a bunch of young women were skinny-dipping in the pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam away to the other end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him:

"We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond either."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

The moral of the story: Old men are still men.
Joke #27:

Mr. Goldstein

An old man was living the last months of his life in the hospital. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy." said Mr. Goldstein, "My uprivate part died today and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh! I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the Hall with his private part hanging out of his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pyjamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?" asked the nurse.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing of the corpse."
Joke #28:

One day, a poor man, a rich man, and a sick man bump into each other as they are walking down the street. As they grumble and point fingers at each other for being Rich, Sick, & Poor; a "Golden Oil Lamp" falls from the sky right in front of them. Suddenly, a Genie appears in a puff of smoke right before their eyes and offers to grant them each one wish. The poor man, being used to fight for anything he can get his hands on, speaks up right away and says:

"I want all of the poor people in my country to be transported to a beautiful tropical island where fruits grow on trees, animals swim in the ocean, and clean water runs down numerous streams & waterfalls!"

And with that said, the Genie nods his head and "POOF", all poor people vanish to a tropical island. Seeing the amazing powers of the Genie in action, the sick man steps up immediately and says:

"I want all of the sick people in my country to be transported to a beautiful tropical island where medicinal plants grow everywhere, the air is clean, and the sun shines all day long!"

And with that said, the Genie nods his head and "POOF", all sick people vanish to a tropical island. As the Genie turns to face the rich man, he is surprised by the look of confusion on his face and asks what he would like to wish for.

The rich man then says: "You're telling me that I can wish for anything that I want, right?"

"Yes", replies the Genie.

"Anything at all?" asks the rich man.

"Absolutely" answers the Genie.

"Well, considering that all of the Poor and the Sick people that suck the life out of my country's economy are gone to some tropical islands somewhere, never to return......

I would like to wish for a Coke"
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted February 22, 2005 07:43 PM

***Under Rightful Ownership****

Now that I have dispatched Gorman back to the depths of hell, we can get back to business!
Joke #29:

Airline Security

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep says, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."  He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm.

The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and POOPS all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "HE JUST FOUND A BOMB!!"
Joke #30:

A mom's job description (Got this one from Conan a week ago)

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right!
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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2XtremeToTake
2XtremeToTake


Promising
Supreme Hero
posted February 23, 2005 01:13 AM

This is Excellent Leo. keep up the good work, if i was a mod i would give you an extra QP.


Im assuming your new to HC relatively because i dont remember you when i used to be here. Anyways, you never did answer my PM.
____________
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

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TitaniumAlloy
TitaniumAlloy


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
posted February 25, 2005 08:28 AM
Edited By: TitaniumAlloy on 25 Feb 2005

When NASA first started sending astronauts up into space, they
quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To
combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to
develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on
almost any surface (including glass), and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.




PS. Leo, I found the other jokes, not edited. Was there anything important that you changed that I should send them to you again?

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