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| Thread: Humor thread |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 · NEXT» |
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted March 06, 2005 02:03 AM |
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Humor thread
Upon cleaning out my inbox today I came across probably one of the funniest things I ever read. I just had to share this with you guys. Personally, I had tears rolling down my face with uncontrollable laughter by about halfway through.
My apologies to those of you who are still in school and still write stuff like this. I know I did.
Here's the e-mail:
Analogies & Metaphors Found in school Essays
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
-Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
-Unknown
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
-Jack Bross, Chevy Chase
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
-Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-Jennifer Hart, Arlington
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
-Wayne Goode, Madison,AL
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
-Russell Beland, Springfield
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
-Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
-Unknown
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
-Brian Broadus, Charlottesville
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
-Jean Sorensen, Herndon
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
-Jerry Pannullo, Kensington
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
-Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
-Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
-Bonnie Speary Devore,Gaithersburg
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
-John Kammer, Herndon
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
-Susan Reese, Arlington
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
-Marian Carlsson, Lexington
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
-Jennifer Hart, Arlington
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
-Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
-Brian Broadus, Charlottesville
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
-Susan Reese, Arlington
She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword.
-Tom Witte, Gaithersburg
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
-Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
-Sue Lin Chong, Washington
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
-Sue Lin Chong, Washington
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
-Chuck Smith,Woodbridge
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
it.
-Joseph Romm, Washington
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Please feel free to embellish this thread with anything you find incredibly funny. We need a bit of levity in this place right now.
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I have menopause and a handgun. Any questions?
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted March 06, 2005 02:39 AM |
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Cool jokes.  I enjoyed them a lot.
Esp the ones about the freight trains, the surcharge-free ATM, and the eclipse.
-guitarguy
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privatehudson
Responsible
Legendary Hero
The Ultimate Badass
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posted March 06, 2005 03:53 AM |
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A spoof email I found amusing...
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
Independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed'
not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're Not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When
you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language
as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
e.g. Texasshire,Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to Get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your Borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a Difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
fora rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
2006.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host An event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside Of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world Beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you Will be allowed to
play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball Without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will Start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until September 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US
Gallon- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
17. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in
"clear" NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day,
____________
We're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!
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Svarog
Honorable
Supreme Hero
statue-loving necrophiliac
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posted March 06, 2005 04:21 AM |
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 LOL. Finally, you british decided to take care of your insolent offspring.
Consis would be delighted, if nothing else.
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The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.
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pandora
Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
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posted March 06, 2005 05:04 AM |
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LOL - those were hilarious!
Thanks guys!
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"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
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Shiva
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted March 06, 2005 05:57 AM |
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Edited By: Shiva on 5 Mar 2005
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Heres one of the best..came to me twice in the past few years:
>
> >Subject: A thesis : Exothermic or Endothermic
> >
> >
> >The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
> >Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so"profound"
> >that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,
> >of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
> >Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs
> >heat)?
> >Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
> >cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One
> >student, however, wrote the following:
> >First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need
> >to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which
> >they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
> >to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
> >many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
> >exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are
> >not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more
> >than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than
one
> >religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
> >rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
> >exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
> >because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
> >in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately
> >as souls are added.
> >This gives two possibilities:
> >1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter
> >Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
> >Hell breaks loose.
> >2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
> >Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
> >
> >So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my
> >Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
> >you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then
> >number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
> >already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
> >frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
> >therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of
a
> >divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
> >"Oh my God."
> >THIS STUDENT RECIEVED AN A
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Consis
Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
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posted March 06, 2005 06:10 AM |
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Walks In And Looks At Everyone
**looking seemingly delighted**...Who.....me?
**walks out scratching head and looking confused**...
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Roses Are Red And So Am I
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ratmonky
Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
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posted March 06, 2005 06:42 PM |
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very funny thread! i liked it!
here's my entry
Church Bloopers
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
____________
Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.
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Blackdragon
Adventuring Hero
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posted March 06, 2005 06:54 PM |
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It was cool! Lol
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Not getting enough sleep therefore very angry and not nice at all.
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted March 08, 2005 05:23 PM |
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ROFL
These are all great. PH I love yours. "...Except Utah, which she does not fancy." ROFL!!!!
Sorry I haven't been around much.
Here's something that really happened to me about three years ago.
When my son was about 5, I took him over to his best friend Nikitas' house to pick him up and take the boys to the park. My son was a big fan of the movie "Toy Story," which was pretty popular at that time. He had one of the dolls from the movie (the main character "Woody"), in the back seat playing with it. When Nikitas got in the car he had another of the dolls from the movie too. (That character's name was " Buzz Lightyear").
"Look Mommy," my son exclaimed, "I have a Woody and Nikitas has a Buzz!"
"Shame on you both," I replied.
Of course neither of them had any clue why I then broke out laughing.
____________
I have menopause and a handgun. Any questions?
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ratmonky
Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
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posted March 09, 2005 06:16 PM |
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lol, peacemaker. that was funny!
Here's something else...
English for Tourists
In a Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
At a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."
Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."
Hotel, Acapulco: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On the grounds of a private school: "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."
On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
One of the Mathare buildings: "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE."
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
In a Pumwani maternity ward: "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."
In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
Hotel brochure, Italy: "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."
Hotel lobby, Bucharest: "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."
Hotel elevator, Paris: "PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK."
Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."
Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."
From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."
In an East African newspaper: "A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS."
Hotel, Vienna: "IN CASE OF FIRE , DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS."
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: "TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES."
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."
In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY -- NO ICE-CREAM."
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."
A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
____________
Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted March 11, 2005 11:10 PM |
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Great posts everyone.
Here's something that really happened to me about twenty years ago.
When I was in college I had a year during which I was having some sort of an electrical "problem." Street lights would regularly blink out when I drove under them, my mother's hand-wound Grandmother Clock, which hung on the wall by the front door, would stop each morning when I left for school, no matter how wound up it was. Stuff like that.
In the Psychology building where I had most of my classes and regularly went into the office, the office clock up on the wall would stop when I would go in there. Mary, the secretary, really liked me, but she hated me always stopping her clock like that.
One of the psych professors was Dr. Suchoon Mo, a small, brilliant Korean man with stereotypical pop-bottle round spectacles, buck teeth and an IQ of about 250. He was a Zan Buddhist as well.
One morning after I'd walked in and the clock had stopped, Dr. Mo was walking by and Mary and I asked him if he could fix the clock so that it would work when I was in there.
"Of course I can," he said confidently with his typical thick Korean accent. Mary and I looked at each other, wondering what he could possibly have in mind.
He took a Sharpie from Mary's pencil cup, got a piece of paper from the copier and scribbled something on the paper, then fold it in half, got a chair and taped the paper on the front of the clock.
Upon his stepping down off the chair, Mary and I saw the sign. It said:
THE TIME IS NOW.
"There," Dr. Mo said confidently. "Now the clock will be right all the time."
____________
I have menopause and a handgun. Any questions?
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Khaelo
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Underwater
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posted March 17, 2005 05:50 AM |
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Edited By: Khaelo on 17 Mar 2005
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post moved
The version of this list which came by my inbox credited a Bad Simile/Metaphor contest by a magazine. Since there are names attached here, I certainly hope this is the source, making these people winners rather than inept.  Update: I showed this to my mom, who's an English teacher. After laughing really hard, she had me Google the rest of the list so she'd have a complete set to teach her class about similies/metaphors. Here are the ones that were omitted from Peacemaker's version:
~~~
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
-Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
-Russell Beland, Springfield
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
-Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
-Roy Ashley, Washington
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
-Russell Beland, Springfield
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
-Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
-Russell Beland, Springfield
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
-Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.
____________
 Cleverly
disguised as a responsible adult
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Shiva
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted March 25, 2005 03:31 PM |
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More kids
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted April 14, 2005 05:27 PM |
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Cow Politics --
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one........
and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative....
to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both.....
and then provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull....
and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government
pays you to shoot one, milk the other....
and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself.....
and do an IPO on the 2nd one. Then....
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts....
stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond and drink lots of beer.
They give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
creature' private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government
to find alternatives to milk production......
but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Your employees are regularly maimed and killed.....
attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one
best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you
which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
____________
I have menopause and a handgun. Any questions?
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted April 25, 2005 10:27 PM |
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Lord_Woock
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Daddy Cool with a $90 smile
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posted April 25, 2005 10:39 PM |
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*ahem*
Reduction you say?
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Peacemaker
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Peacemaker = double entendre
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posted April 25, 2005 11:07 PM |
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ROFL
GOTCHA
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I have menopause and a handgun. Any questions?
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Wolfman
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Insomniac
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posted April 26, 2005 02:51 AM |
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That's great!
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ratmonky
Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
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posted May 21, 2005 05:26 PM |
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Another great thing i got today!
The Middle Wife
A grammar school teacher from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two children myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own first-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a child, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Children bring in pet, turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Anna, a very bright, very outgoing child, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant and says, This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birth day "
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The children are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going Oh, oh,oh!'"
Anna puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the child is doing this hysterical duck walk; holding her back and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
Anna lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
This child is sitting on the floor with her little hands miming water flowing away.
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe." They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff. They said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there for him to do."
Then Anna stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Anna comes along!
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Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.
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