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Heroes Community > Other Side of the Monitor > Thread: Relationships: Real life vs. the internet
Thread: Relationships: Real life vs. the internet This thread is 4 pages long: 1 2 3 4 · «PREV / NEXT»
wog_edn
wog_edn

Promising

The Nothingness
posted April 03, 2011 10:19 PM

Pff, every relationship should go through some hardship to test the strength of it. Dating someone you know may also end up ruining your friendship if it doesn't work out.
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Adrius
Adrius


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Stand and fight!
posted April 03, 2011 10:21 PM

Quote:
I'll HCM all the girls on Heroes Community that I can think of, and ask them to give their opinon.

Apparently Forf is under the impression that I am female, and have thus been summoned to this thread.

All I have to say is of course it can be as good as any other relationship. I seriously don't see why it couldn't, it's a gamble in any case... either it works out or it doesn't.

Don't really know how to motivate any further honestly...
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mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 03, 2011 10:25 PM
Edited by mvassilev at 22:48, 03 Apr 2011.

But if your relationship is really good, you'll be able to to a good job of avoiding hardships, which is better. Just because a lot of relationships have them doesn't mean it's a good thing.  Whereas (as in my experience) if you don't know them, and then slowly find who they are, you may not like who they are.

Incidentally, in many OSM discussions I'm reminded of the following quote:
"If people got hit on the head by a baseball bat every week, pretty soon they would invent reasons why getting hit on the head with a baseball bat was a good thing. But if you took someone who wasn't being hit on the head with a baseball bat, and you asked them if they wanted it, they would say no." - Eliezer Yudkowsky.

Quote:
Dating someone you know may also end up ruining your friendship if it doesn't work out.
While there is some risk of that, if you manage things carefully, even if it ends up not working out, you'll probably be able to salvage your friendship.
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Doomforge
Doomforge


Admirable
Undefeatable Hero
Retired Hero
posted April 03, 2011 10:27 PM

Quote:
Dating someone you know may also end up ruining your friendship


Who cares, profits outweigh the complications. Besides, you can have tons of friends in life anyway.
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We reached to the stars and everything is now ours

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selcy
selcy


Famous Hero
posted April 03, 2011 10:28 PM

I have the experience of both real life and finding someone special on facebook.

Real life - we both worked in Asda. One of my work colleagues introduced us. He liked me from the time we met but I actually liked someone else. Anyway we dated I fell pregnant pretty quick into the relationship and feelings changed he started seeing me more as his possession. I just accepted this as he said he was scared. We married had 3 children. Yes we did the going on dates and all that stuff in the beginning. It didn't last long and in the end I guess he just took it for granted I was his wife mother of his kids and worked to contribute to the house. I became a widow in July 2010 and in someways it was a relief (as hard as that sounds) but the marriage had gone sore he was very possessive and scarey at times. So actually dating someone and not getting to know them well enough before you commit isn't always good.

Internet - We were just friends and he supported me made me laugh at the toughest times when my husband was really sick. I found I could talk and he would listen, never had that before. When my husband died we talked for hours every day. He knew how to make me smile and laugh and could even tell without me saying when I was sad. We got to know everything about each and felt comfortable about opening up to each other. We voice and message every day and when we can we go on cam. He has spoken to my children and supported them as well. As yet we haven't met in person but that changes in July. Yes it is hard cos sometimes all I want is to be held and told everything is alright but I know that day will come.

So there are good and bad in both ways really but to me the online relationship because we can't just rush into sex has meant we have talked and know more about each other likes, dislikes, family etc. I don't regret going into a relationship this way at all. Its up to the individual which one they would go for.

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OhforfSake
OhforfSake


Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
posted April 03, 2011 10:41 PM

Quote:
Apparently Forf is under the impression that I am female, and have thus been summoned to this thread.

Sorry my friend! I just had to write to someone male, then I could not think of someone more masculine than you!


Thanks a ton selcy! I really appreciate what you wrote.
Though most might think that a relationship over the internet might not be feasable, those who tell that it is possible, really give a hope of a possible future, with someone one cares about, at least for me.
I really appreciate that we've so far been lucky enough to get the view of not only a person who so far have had success with online relationship, but also give the viewpoint from the other side, which can be hard to get.

I wish you all the best!
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wog_edn
wog_edn

Promising

The Nothingness
posted April 03, 2011 10:44 PM

Well you had pretty damn bad luck, Selcy. I've been "dating my" girl for two years now (we don't really go much out on dates, we mostly do other stuff) and I wouldn't wish to get married for at least 6-7 more. And we're VERY careful with protection, to avoid pregnancy, as neither of us want that. But yes I agree that it is scary to marry someone too early, that is why you should get to know that person very well before taking that step. I do feel really sorry for what you had to go through, though, and I am glad you found Acu to support you and like I said, 10-20% of the time it works. It is just harder, but once you make it happen it's just as good as one where you met in real life. It will also make you feel more secure about the person you have sex with, compared to a couple who do it on the first date! Everyone should do what they feel comfortable with, I am not saying they shouldn't, I was just giving my own personal opinion on things

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Carcity
Carcity


Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
posted April 03, 2011 10:49 PM

An internet relationship doesn't differ much from a real life (I hate that expression, but nevermind) relationship. Sure, you don't meet nor have any bodily contact, but everything else is there. Webcams can tell you how they look and voice chats how they sound, chatting and voice chatting and talking over the phone gives you their thoughts and feelings.

And when an internet relationship ends, it's just as hard to deal with as a real life relationship. And, in an online relationship, the reason it ends can be the amount of time you have to wait until you can meet the other one. But problems like that work out sooner or later.

And an internet relationship is just as intoxicating and life-changing as a "normal" relationship.
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selcy
selcy


Famous Hero
posted April 03, 2011 10:49 PM

Exactly, Acu and I feel that comfortable with each other now that hopefully in July there won't be that many nerves and the dry mouth you get on the first date. We won't things to work out and I think if both of you want the same thing then you can make it work. What makes a relationship difficult is when you want different things and your either pulling in the opposite direction or you try and change the other person and neither things will work. I look at it this way that if I had done one little thing different in my life I wouldn't have met Acu and I am really glad I have.

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OhforfSake
OhforfSake


Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
posted April 03, 2011 10:53 PM

Wow even carcity wrote something intelligent...! Thanks man, I appreciate it! You know, maybe there's more to you than the emo?

Quote:
you try and change the other person

That is exactly what I tried to when I was younger. When I fell for a girl, I'd try to change her into being more interesting. I'd try to get her to stop doing the stuff she likes. Not strange that not even did the relationship happen, the friendship was lost as well.
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Living time backwards

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wog_edn
wog_edn

Promising

The Nothingness
posted April 03, 2011 10:55 PM

Carcity, again sex is an important issue (at least for people like me) ... I could never be in a relationship with a person with a long time without that.

Selcy, that's true ... but I didn't intend for me and my girl to be a couple either actually. That just happened, but pretty quickly anyway. After that we took the whole relationship-thing slow .. I mean, it took a half year before we said the L-word
Very true, people often try to change their special someone, which I think is very wrong. I tell my girl when there's something I like or don't like, and visa versa. But that's simply honesty, and I think that's very important. I speak straight from the liver and so does she! And congrats on Acu, Selcy I don't know him, but I bet he's a great guy! I mean, why else would he have stayed a member here for so long?
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Carcity
Carcity


Supreme Hero
Blind Sage
posted April 03, 2011 10:56 PM

It is, yes, but a relationship can be created and function without it, it's just one of the many benefits.
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Fauch
Fauch


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 03, 2011 11:02 PM

Quote:
Though most might think that a relationship over the internet might not be feasable, those who tell that it is possible, really give a hope of a possible future, with someone one cares about, at least for me.


most of the comments make me think it's about the mass consumption mentality which is about getting instant gratification. nothing to do with love, just egoism.
that stupid way of thinking they are trying to force into us, which is basically : if I don't get always more and more pleasure, then I'm suffering.
of course there is no real pain, but you are so afraid to suffer if you don't get your pleasure that it makes you suffer.

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wog_edn
wog_edn

Promising

The Nothingness
posted April 03, 2011 11:05 PM

Quote:
It is, yes, but a relationship can be created and function without it, it's just one of the many benefits.
For me it can't.

And Fauch, love is almost only about egoism. It is to make yourself feel better.
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OhforfSake
OhforfSake


Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
posted April 03, 2011 11:06 PM

Hey Fauch. I must say I often find that you can be a bit too much, talking about the same stuff. Though this time you really struck something in me. Because thinking about it, that's exactly how I feel! More pleasure, more pleasure. Try to not do it, try to do something you actually want and bam, you feel wrong! The more you fight, the more afraid you get that you'll never be alright again! And then you're actually wrong. Then you do actually suffer.

But I think it's maybe for another topic. A very interesting subject, most certainly, but I'm afraid it would fill up too much space here.
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meroe
meroe


Supreme Hero
Basically Smurfette
posted April 03, 2011 11:55 PM
Edited by meroe at 00:11, 04 Apr 2011.

Well Forfy has asked me to comment in this thread - bless his cotton socks, he wants my opinion.

Well tbh Selcy and Carcity pretty much hit the internet relationship on the head.  Basically, the only difference between the two is that in real life you get to physically do stuff with each other ..... go out, shop, take a walk, share a drive-thru, cinema blah blah .... yes yes, Wog and sex

Online you can't do this.  However, apart from cam and online, there is also the phone and letter.  And receiving love letters is wonderful, not just for us girls.  You boys love them just as much, except you won't admit it.  Yet everything else is exactly the same.  But perhaps maybe one slight difference here.  If genuine feelings are involved (in an online romance) ..... not being able to 'be there' for each other means you try just that little bit harder to keep the romance going.  For example, you have an argument or disagreement.  One of you can't just walk out expecting the other to chase them etc.  When you only have communication to keep things going, and you are keeping things going .... how on earth is that bad.  Surely if two people fall for each other online, take their time to get to know each other (honestly and truthfully), find that they have fallen in love (and yes that does happen .... having sex isn't about falling in love), and then get to meet .... well to me these are the building blocks for a very successful relationship indeed.  Its almost like the old fashioned 'courting' my grandma used to talk about.

I think that people who poo-poo online meeting and relationships, do so because they don't really understand how they work.  Also they probably can't see past not being able to 'get to the goodies' quickly.

I think the big difference is that online romances probably happen more to maturer individuals (and I'm not talking about age necessarily here either), people who understand that there is a hell of a lot more involved in relationships than just sex.  I have an aunt who lives in England and is having a relationship with a guy from Switzerland.  They met online, have to conduct 90% of their relationship online/phone blah.  But this relationship has been going steady now for almost three years.  She has kids still in school, therefore can't leave England.  He has a very fulfilling job and is based in Geneva.  However, they visit each other every month.  They are also extremely committed to each other.  No one in my family understood at the beginning, in fact some thought it hysterically funny.  Now, they all think its wonderful. Obviously thats just their relationship in a nutshell.  But it works.

Real life relationship are faster.  You are meeting people in the flesh (obviously) and things are easier because of this.  But it all depends on how important that person is to you.  I know plenty of people that are serial daters.  OMGoodness.  Why because they are playing around, not taking anyone seriously.  But what we are talking about here is whether you can find that special someone online just like in real life.  Yes you can.

But thats just my opinion.  And each individual is unique and their circumstances are different.

You have to find out for yourself really.

EDIT:  More importantly!!!!! OMGoodness my babies are hatching!!!!    I'm gonna be a mom!!!!!!!  Who is going to hand out cigars??!!
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Meroe is definetely out, sweet
as she sounds sometimes, she'd
definetely castrate you with a
rusted razror and forcefeed
your genitals to you in a
blink of an eye - Kipshasz

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selcy
selcy


Famous Hero
posted April 04, 2011 12:04 AM

Well said Meroe.

It is hard cos sometimes when you are feeling sad and lonely the best way to feel better is with a hug from the person you love and obviously you cant. You need a lot of trust as well on both sides and sometimes you get silly ideas and I am quilty of that but Meroe has told me when that happens walk away from the laptop cos otherwise I will write an email and thats not good.

The way I feel at the moment I wouldn't give Acu up for a million pounds I have never felt this happy in all my life. Our love is worth the longing and the time difference cos I know we will be together soon and it will be forever .

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wog_edn
wog_edn

Promising

The Nothingness
posted April 04, 2011 12:21 AM

Quote:
And receiving love letters is wonderful, not just for us girls.  You boys love them just as much, except you won't admit it.  
I am a real "macho" man, but still I truly wouldn't mind a love-letter. And I am man enough to admit it, I'm love's snow. I write love-stuff to my girl all the time even though we see each other all the time.

Quote:
find that they have fallen in love (and yes that does happen .... having sex isn't about falling in love)
Well yeah, of course it's not about falling in love. I am just saying it's to me, and many others, a very important part of a relationship. I didn't fall in love with my girl cause of the sex, but without the sex the relationship would never have lasted long enough for me to fall for her. The sad truth, sex is needed for the relationship to build to a point where the love is so damn strong, at least in my case.

But perhaps maybe one slight difference here.  If genuine feelings are involved (in an online romance) ..... not being able to 'be there' for each other means you try just that little bit harder to keep the romance going.  For example, you have an argument or disagreement.  One of you can't just walk out expecting the other to chase them etc.  When you only have communication to keep things going, and you are keeping things going .... how on earth is that bad.  Surely if two people fall for each other online, take their time to get to know each other (honestly and truthfully), find that they have fallen in love (and yes that does happen .... having sex isn't about falling in love), and then get to meet .... well to me these are the building blocks for a very successful relationship indeed.  Its almost like the old fashioned 'courting' my grandma used to talk about.

I think that people who poo-poo online meeting and relationships, do so because they don't really understand how they work.  Also they probably can't see past not being able to 'get to the goodies' quickly.

Quote:
Real life relationship are faster.
Not necessarily, some people develop feelings and things like that slowly. Then it might be just as slow as an online relationship, but you get to know the physical side of each other too.




And congrats on the babies (dragon ones, aight?) I don't smoke, but I might just as well encourage others to do so!
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Fauch
Fauch


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted April 04, 2011 04:02 PM

the distance isn't the biggest problem, but the way we are forced to live.

if there weren't frontiers and we wouldn't need lots of paperwork to move.
if there was no nationalism and we would be welcome everywhere regardless from where we come.
if work wasn't about exploiting people for making money and everyone would welcome your help instead of rejecting you because you would cost too much.

if you could move anywhere you want without having to ask anything to anyone, and settle everywhere you want, providing you just contribute to the life of the community in which you want to live, that wouldn't be a big problem.

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evinin
evinin


Supreme Hero
Servant of Asha
posted April 04, 2011 04:20 PM
Edited by evinin at 16:34, 04 Apr 2011.

Here is my opinion on the topic:

About relationships in the Internet:
I have a lot of experience with that. In a matter of fact one of my closest friends is someone that I met in the Travian online game. I actually made him his Skype and we chatted a lot. This days we only say a couple of stuff if we talk, which doesn't happen often but still it's a lot easier to talk to someone that doesn't actually know you. That's a hard thing for me to say because my "net friend" actually knows me pretty well so I guess that it's easier to talk to someone who can't actually "harm" you with the stuff you say to him. It's really easy to say personal things which you can't tell to someone who sees you everyday. It's a strange thing but it's like when you are in a bus and you sit to someone and you think "I can tell this person everything that's in my mind because I'm probably not going to see him again". So the Internet friendship is easier and still good.

About relationships in personal:
I'm not easygoing about that. I make friends hard and I don't trust people. When I was little I had a very good friend that... I don't know what happened. She was messing with the wrong people and I tried to help her but that made her mad and she didn't want to be my friend. One day she embarrassed me much in front of some other girls talking stuff about my family that were personal so I avenged her in the same day. It was a really bad thing to do but no one can mess with family. And then she took away from me all my other friends. I spent two hellish months alone then I moved to another class. She kept talking bad stuff about me and revealing my secrets. Then I got into my dream school and... She followed me there. Everyday I'm reminded that friends suck. I have much friends but I don't entirely trust any of them. I share with someone some things, with someone else - other stuff. That way no one knows enough for me to harm me. And believe me - I don't want to go trough that again. I can't make friends, it's too hard but when I do I'm a really good friend that can be trusted. Still - relationships in personal are hard. I'm not good at talking even - I can express more with writing (which is something about myself that I don't like).

Did you see what happened? I told you so much stuff about myself that none of my friends know in so many details. So what does that mean? Does it make me a loner? Does it make me a bad person? I don't know. I'll be forever reserved towards people, that's for sure. So yes - for me this type of relationship is easier but I'm not saying that it's better.

Edit: I was talking generally. About the other kind of relationships I think that it's impossible to be in love someone on the internet. He can be a friend and you can love him but you can't be in love with him. Am I making the difference clear? You don't see him, you can't feel him. I'm not talking about sex or so - just being with your love one is enough. In this case the relationship in personal is better in every possible way. Sometimes it's easier to say something in Skype or it an e-mail or so but it's still a different thing. Being with your love one sometimes can be annoying or so - it might mean that your not made for each-other or that you see each-other too often. There are couples that are together with hours everyday. I don't see my boyfriend often and we talk in Skype or on the phone more but I'm extremely happy when we see each-other. But our relationship isn't on the internet.
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