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| Thread: Does this dress make me look fat? |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 4 · NEXT» |
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 13, 2002 07:23 PM |
bonus applied. |
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Does this dress make me look fat?
... she asks and your heart falls because you know, you just KNOW that you're about to be subjected to a 15 minute monologue on which parts of her body she hates which will end with her calling you a jerk and sulking for the next 3 hours. It doesn't matter what you answer, the series of events that will follow became unavoidable as soon as she asked the question. For instance:
She: Does this dress make me look fat?
He: No.(without hesitation)
She: You didn't even look. You don't care about me. I hate you.
She: Does this dress make me look fat?
He: No. (after looking)
She: Why did you hesitate? You thimk I'm fat. I hate you.
She: Does this dress make me look fat?
He: Yes.
Oh man, you're REALLY in trouble now... (even though technically this should be the correct answer since if she's asking the question that theoretically means that she has just looked in the mirror and thinks she looks fat. Saying "yes" should mean that it is the dress that makes her look fat and not the fact that her ass is the size of Montana)
The particular variation I got last night was "Do you think my ass has gotten smaller?" Now, if I say "yes" it means her ass used to be too big, if I say "no" it means her ass is big. Luckily, I managed to defuse the situation entirely by answering "Lavender monkey walrus." She laughed and the whole thing was forgotten (admittedly, I have a very understanding girlfriend). It made me realize that the human mind, when faced with a completely unexpected answer just ignores it at substitutes what it wanted to hear. As follows:
She: Does this dress make me look fat?
He: There's a dancing turnip behind you.
She: Why THANK you! Would you like a backrub?
Girls - you on the other hand should know that the correct answer to ANY question your boyfriend asks is "you have a tremendously large penis." Observe:
He: What do you want to do for dinner tonight?
She: Your male member is truly monstrous.
He: You know what, I think I'll cook tonight. And do the dishes.
He: Which movie do you want to get?
She: My lord! Your testicles are massive.
He: Why don't we get this romantic comedy and Steel Magnolias?
He: What time is it?
She: That rod of yours is absolutely collosal.
He: Why don't we call your mother and have her come over for a visit. I will listen to her constructive criticism with good natured aplomb.
He: Does this dress make me look fat?
She: Your penis is... WHAT???
Okay girls, your on your own for this one...
Unfortunately, I told my girlfriend this and later that night she walked in, dropped a pile of laundry at my feet and said, "You have a large penis. Fold this laundry." I folded it... what choice did I have?
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thunderknight
Promising
Famous Hero
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posted July 14, 2002 05:48 PM |
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"Does this dress make me look fat?"
If my gf asks this, I'll say:
"Honey, this dress is so sexy that I want to undress you,......." and seal her lips with my lips. 
If my gf (or other hot girl(s)..... ) say "you have a tremendously large *****.", I'll say "Thank you, would you like to try ??" or "Ya, the whole *****/thing is masterpiece of God, your hole and my *****/thing........"
Btw, you know why man's ***** is better than credit card ???
1. Once spent it recharges itself.
2. It is accepted worldwide.
3. You can let your wife/girl use it as much as she wants.
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Hexa
Responsible
Legendary Hero
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posted July 14, 2002 08:40 PM |
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lol .. just LOL!@
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If you want to realize your dreams >>> you have to wake up!@
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SHlT
Tavern Dweller
cheater killer
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posted July 14, 2002 09:02 PM |
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lol
lolololololololol... by the way DIABLO rulez 
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You can try the best you can and the best you can is enough..
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tortoise
Known Hero
Master of Reptiles.
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posted July 14, 2002 10:09 PM |
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haha that's funny, It is kind of true... I wonder why they insist on putting you in lose/lose situations for us and win/win situations for them, because the end result is we're in trouble and we have to be Xtra nice for a while... Which may or may not consist of folding laundry
something wrong with that...
What should be:
Guy Girl
Lose Win
Win Lose
This is what should happen, you win some, you lose some. But this ain't the way it happens, woman get all the perks nowadays, because alot of guys are suckers to their honeys wether they admit it or not. She may still like you, but the fact is that she wins more than you  Alot more!
Reality:
Guy Girl
Lose Win
Lose Win
This is the way it really happens.... This scenario applies to anything and everything!!! I mean woman are masters or english, atleast manipulating the language.. Can't win, so bow down and take your shame.
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Conn
Responsible
Famous Hero
God slayer
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posted July 14, 2002 10:22 PM |
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Lmao....Bort, just one question....What were you thinking when you told your gf that?? 
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 Whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 14, 2002 11:35 PM |
bonus applied. |
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*raises hand*
As the only girl here to comment (and I never miss a Bort thread, oh no) I just thought i'd point out a few ommission he has made.
1) Irrelevant comments and their effect depends on the frame of mind of the girl. The type of girl Bort has mentioned is The Optemist. However, The Optemist is only a small group of women. Other groups include:-
a) The Persevering Soldier
Her: Does this make me look fat?
Him: Oh look, a giant frog..
Her: You're not listening, does this make me look fat?
b) The Pessemist
Her: Does this make me look fat
Him: Um... wibble?
Her: *bursts into tears* I knew it, you can't possibly love me
c) The Psycho Hosebeast
Her: Does this make me look fat?
Him: Pigeon Foxtrot Alpha
Her: *smashes all the furniture in the room over his head*
So you see, use Bort's rules at your own risk.
2) As for the male member thing... there are many other female ploys that work just as well... amongst them...
a) You are a god in bed
b) If you do this (insert task), nest time we go out, I wont wear any knickers
c) I'm not wearing any knickers
d) *dropping clothes* I'm sorry, were you disagreeing with me?
All these things have been clinically proven to work, as has bending over when you want something done. Member size can therefore be avoided if "you have a huge one" would in fact be an outright lie.
____________
 Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 15, 2002 02:43 AM |
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Edited By: bort on 14 Jul 2002
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Quote:
b) If you do this (insert task), nest time we go out, I wont wear any knickers
Oh man, you girls weren't supposed to know about this one! This is even worse than the time I found out that girls notice when you do "the glance." You know, when you're trying desperately to pay attention and look them in the eye but eventually your nerve breaks and you let the eyes drop down a bit really quick like... seriously, we actually think we're being subtle and unnoticed when we do this.
Quote:
Member size can therefore be avoided if "you have a huge one" would in fact be an outright lie.
yeah... I'm not sure if I see the problem here... what's wrong with this particular lie if it makes us so extremely happy?
Conn - what was I thinking when I told her "Lavender Monkey Walrus" or what was I thinking when I told her the secret password?
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 15, 2002 01:16 PM |
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Sorry to disilusion you Bort. It works best when you are holding a tight satin pencil skirt in you hands whilst saying "darling, can you do the cooking this week? Next time we go out I promise I will wear no knickers". Works like a gem, as they visualise you in the skirt you ar holding.
Another good trick is known as the "chest-eye bounce". youwear a ncklace and play with it while you are talking. The guy will be forced to look at your chest and again, bend to your every whim.
Men... so much fun to play with
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Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 15, 2002 05:38 PM |
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Quote:
It works best when you are holding a tight satin pencil skirt in you hands whilst saying "darling, can you do the cooking this week? Next time we go out I promise I will wear no knickers".
My god Cat, yer killin' me! Could you give my girlfriend a call?
If you want to know the trump card end all of how to get your man to do what you want, try the following:
She: I had a funny dream last night - I dreamt I was kissing [insert name of female friend here]. I wonder what it would be like to be with another woman. On a completely unrelated note, could you pick my mother up at the airport, clean the gutters, replace the curtains, do the vacuuming and laundry, I think we should watch ice dancing instead of that football game, cook, do the dishes, mow the lawn, trim the hedges, go do the grocery shopping, fix the upstairs toilet, fix the downstairs toilet and go the the store to buy me some tampons?
He: wstfrgl. (then goes and does all the requested tasks)
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 15, 2002 06:14 PM |
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Give your girl a call, Bort? Sure, what's her number? lol.
As for the lesbian thing.... waaaayyy ahead of ya.
My best friend Rae and I were out clubbing the other day, and a guy asked "Excuse me, are you lesbians?". Rae said "Oh, absolutely". The result was free drinks all night and the fare for a taxi home.
I guess the poor guy was hoping we'd do something interesting lol. Bless his naive little mind.
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Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 15, 2002 08:23 PM |
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first of all, I never give out my girlfriend's number on line. I only write it on bathroom walls.
second, life is so unfair. Last time I told a guy in a bar that I was a lesbian and tried to get him to buy me drinks I woke up in the hospital with my ears packed with gauze. The doctors told me I had lost 20% of my brain. Luckily it was the part responsible for making me sensitive and caring and I wasn't using that part anyway.
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 15, 2002 08:26 PM |
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Oldtimer
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Please leave a message after..
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posted July 15, 2002 08:35 PM |
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What is actually more powerful than the blatant show the chest or say "I want to kiss chicks" is the "accidental" showing of the goods. Like when the girl is wearing an extra large t-shirt with no panties, and she bends over to pick up something just when you happen to be looking her way. You get that brief glimpse, and you start thinking of ways to get there, but she's starting to clean up and thinking of the daily chores and for no appearaant reason you are volunteering to do stuff instead of chillin on the couch. Or the "whoops" the nipple gets loose and the "I'm sooo embarrassed" while the guy can't wait to pay for all the drinks because he got a sneek peek at what he thinks will be a happy ending, but he's only being yanked.
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 15, 2002 08:37 PM |
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You aren't mean to know about that lol.
Although I'm hoping you will confine the T-Shirt one to the flat . What does seem to have a profound effect on men is when you wear an over-size button shirt and nothing else
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Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 15, 2002 08:42 PM |
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Quote:
What is actually more powerful than the blatant show the chest or say "I want to kiss chicks" is the "accidental" showing of the goods. Like when the girl is wearing an extra large t-shirt with no panties, and she bends over to pick up something just when you happen to be looking her way. You get that brief glimpse, and you start thinking of ways to get there, but she's starting to clean up and thinking of the daily chores and for no appearaant reason you are volunteering to do stuff instead of chillin on the couch. Or the "whoops" the nipple gets loose and the "I'm sooo embarrassed" while the guy can't wait to pay for all the drinks because he got a sneek peek at what he thinks will be a happy ending, but he's only being yanked.
See, once again, so unfair. Every time I try this one the bus driver makes me get off at the next stop. Lousy public transportation. The nipple doesn't even need to get loose - nipples poking out of the shirt is enough to... excuse me for a moment... must take cold shower.
And Cat, the Extra large button down shirt is absolutely killer. I remember there was an extraordinarily brief phase in the 80s what it was actually a fashion to wear a really large button down shirt as one would a short dress. A belt was added to make it apparent that you meant to go out like that and you weren't just the sort of person who forgets to wear pants. Unfortunately, I was too young to appreciate it and continued playing with my GI Joes.
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Cat
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Gonna Get Dirrty...
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posted July 15, 2002 08:49 PM |
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Another essential item in any girls wardrobe has to be what we all have in there. A perfectly normal skirt which goes see-thru in direct light. We all have one, and walk around happily unawares in it. What's more, we wonder why men seem to like said skirt. It is always only pointed out when you go to throw the skirt away.
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Diwethaf Gloau Sylw y Gymreag
http://aozos.com/phpBB2/index.php
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Oldtimer
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Please leave a message after..
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posted July 15, 2002 08:55 PM |
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Now Cat has everyone's attention, She is not wearing panties, in a see through skirt, in a big button shirt with her nipple accidentally popping out at opportune moments and now when we take her out for dinner, she nonchalantly licks and slowly eats bananas or carrots or pretty much anything in that innocently seductive way. Might as well just give her the wallet right now.
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bort
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Discarded foreskin of morality
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posted July 15, 2002 09:03 PM |
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Yeah, but then, just as our eyes are glazing over, she leans over and says, in that sexy little voice...
"You know that little... see thru skirt I have... oops my nipple popped out, I think it has a mind of its own... anyway, the skirt... do you think it makes me look fat?"
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Oldtimer
Honorable
Supreme Hero
Please leave a message after..
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posted July 15, 2002 09:09 PM |
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"No, that dress doesn't make you look fat." {Completely sincere} -while finishing the thought in your mind- (it's the fat that makes you look fat)
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