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| Thread: Urgent Help needed!!! | |
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TheUglyLazyM...
Tavern Dweller
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posted February 27, 2005 03:40 AM |
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Urgent Help needed!!!
I cannot pickup women at all. For some reason they do not like me. I was under the impression women don't go for appearances. I figured most women would not care if i am 46, short, fat, balding and hairy.
Actually, i did get a date with a woman one time, but when i wanted to cut our date short to go watch Monday Night Football, she wouldnt have it.
At my High School Reunion last year, i went up to my crush and talked to her. I made a comment about her ass sticking out too far and was slapped in the face. I still havent figured out why.
I went on a blind date once. I set up the perfect date. I took her to The Sports Cafe. I figured it would be Perfect. I had ordered an extra large plate of Hot Wings and Two Large Budweisers. And to go all out, i even painted my face in the colors of my favorite team, the St. Louis Rams. She took one look at me and the extradonairy meal i had prepared for her, and left.
The other day, i was at Wal-Mart looking for a pair of shoes. I saw a little boy, around 6 years old. I was lost, so i asked him if he had seen any black velcro shoes. His mother came up to me and sprayed me with mace. And after i screamed at her, the Rent-a-cops beat me up and arrested me.
Any help would be appriciated.
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Marelt_Ekiran
Promising
Famous Hero
Watcher of All
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posted February 27, 2005 03:46 AM |
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Advice number one:
Do not look for advice amongst the ranks of the Cybergeeks, who are most likely the least helpful people on the subject imaginable.
In fact, I would go as far as to suggest that you take every piece of advice that is offered here from now on and do exactly the opposite in order to succeed with the feminine specimens of the human race.
So, everyone. Would you all be so kind to help out our friend here?
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Perception is everything.
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Dingo
Responsible
Legendary Hero
God of Dark SPAM
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posted February 27, 2005 07:48 AM |
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My advice is for you to wait for TheUltimateMale.
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The Above Post/Thread/Idea Is CopyRighted by, The Dingo Corp.
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pandora
Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
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posted March 02, 2005 12:10 AM |
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What?!
Did TUM not hear this desperate cry for help?
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"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
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sirzapdos
Promising
Famous Hero
Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
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posted March 02, 2005 03:15 AM |
bonus applied. |
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TheUltimateSubstitute
Dingo coughed up:
Quote:
My advice is for you to wait for TheUltimateMale.
Dear Bingo:
A nominal idea, however, we must consider the fact that TheUltimateMale no doubt has numerous constraints on his time. After a long sojourn overseas, TheUltimateMale must see to all of his local Cybergeekettes. I, however, will be only too glad to help you overcome this struggle and eventually become the ultimate success with the fairer sex.
First, an analysis of the situation.
Marelt_Ekiran offered:
Quote:
Do not look for advice amongst the ranks of the Cybergeeks, who are most likely the least helpful people on the subject imaginable.
Dear Carrot In-the-rain:
While your counsel is most welcome, it is however, unlike my knockout smile and washboard abs, imperfect. While cybergeeks are most reputably known for their cunning Magic: The Gathering strategies, their lightning quick Counter-strike reflexes, and the ability to spend less than 20 dollars a year on laundry, thanks to the divine tutelage of TheUltimateMale, cybergeeks everywhere are slowly learning what it will take to begin interacting with and ultimately, pleasing cybergeekettes beyond their wildest dreams.
Now, the diagnosis.
TheUglyLazyMale whined:
Quote:
I cannot pickup women at all.
Fear not, TheHungryCrazyMale, help has arrived.
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Actually, i did get a date with a woman one time, but when i wanted to cut our date short to go watch Monday Night Football, she wouldnt have it.
The problem here is a lack of courtesy. Women are more interested and become less frustrated when you abstain from using the F word, Football. It may also be wise to eliminate "Sports" from your vocabulary, as this dangerous S word can also bring disasterous consequences to an otherwise pleasant discussion. There are exceptions to every rule, and if your date mentions an interest in sports, please ask her about her interests, instead of assuming that her face is painted every Sunday 'in the colours of the St Louis Rams.' (sic)
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At my High School Reunion last year, i went up to my crush and talked to her. I made a comment about her ass sticking out too far and was slapped in the face.
What you need is TheUltimateTranslator, a miraculous device that transforms immature, thoughtless and rude comments into kind, polite and engaging sentences. While this gadget is no match for my own verbal wizardry, it is a good place to start. I will demonstrate this wonderful piece of technology now, using the aforementioned High School Reunion scenario as the backdrop:
"I don't have a job anymore. Being unemployed rules. I can watch TV all day." ~~~~~~~~~~ "I'm currently exploring various opportunities and will hopefully be able to find a stable career in the near future."
"You're Sandy Jetta? As in, 'Jumbo Jetta?' No way, you can't be Sandy. You're not 300 pounds overweight!" ~~~~~~~~~~~ "Sandy? Sandy Jetta? I didn't even recognize you! You look great!
"Am I keeping busy? Umm, well I usually just sit around in my underwear all day, channel surfing until SportsCenter comes on." ~~~~~~~~~~ "I enjoy watching sports with my friends, and whenever I can, I enjoy playing sports with my friends. A bunch of us are in a league down at the Sportsplex. It's a lot of fun."
"Mindy! Mindy! Hey, it's me! I'm the one who tripped you in the cafeteria all the time! Freaking hilarious!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hi, Mindy. How are you? I realize it may be a little late, but I'd like to apologize for all the things I did to you all those years ago. I was just stupid kid. Would you like a drink?"
UltimateTranslators are available at all fine department stores.
Quote:
I went on a blind date once. I set up the perfect date. I took her to The Sports Cafe. I figured it would be Perfect.
Before the days that women would cry out my name in adoration and throw themselves in my arms, I once had to experiment with blind dates. While there is a chance for success, through past experience, I have concluded that this chance is remote, at best. It would seem that if your date didn't make you go blind from her yellow teeth and well-grown-in mustache, there are certain personality issues to consider, such as her need to not go out on full moons, or her need to bring Mr. Snookums along on your date.
I recommend dispelling your blindness by either getting to know them first, by being setup by a mutual friend, or simply talking to them for a little bit.
Quote:
The other day, i was at Wal-Mart looking for a pair of shoes. I saw a little boy, around 6 years old. I was lost, so i asked him if he had seen any black velcro shoes. His mother came up to me and sprayed me with mace.
All it takes here is a little not-so common sense. If you are lost and require directions, do not become a stereotype and wander aimlessly for hours in lieu of asking someone for help. Even the most ultimate of us must realize when we have been defeated and ask for a hand. When you finally muster the courage to ask for aid, be careful not to ask the wrong person.
This helpful hint not only applies to shopping, but to countless other real life situations. For example, if you require directions to Nigel's Fur Coats, it may not be polite to ask the woman with the PETA button on her backpack. It may also be a good idea to ask someone other than Jennifer Lopez for directions to an acting school. Likewise, asking a Bostonian for the location of the nearest New York Yankees fanclub will also elicit negative results.
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And after i screamed at her, the Rent-a-cops beat me up and arrested me.
If the person you are speaking to is 2 feet in front of you, it serves you no purpose to speak at such a level where people 20 feet away can hear you. Keeping a low tone of voice, particularly in public areas, can do wonders to not being assualted by the local law enforcement. And while it may seem heroic to tussle with authority, remember that you are not as well toned and muscular as I am, and will not fare as well in a bout of fisticuffs.
I hope that you take this advice to heart. While this is only one step on the ultimate path to perfection, the lessons you have learned will go a long way in ensuring that you too will someday be loved by women, and envied by men.
Until then....
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Don't hate me because I am a substitute.
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So I try to live a complicated world...
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guitarguy
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Rockoon.
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posted March 02, 2005 08:44 AM |
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TPAM has a said a boatload. 
My advice about talking to crushes: try to be more sincere with your words and avoid comments that might turn the person off. More than likely she won't want to hear about you noticing how badly her hindside protrudes. Especially if you know her to be the sensitive type. And also: avoid speaking to women when you're drunk because really lousy words tend to come out.
-guitarguy
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TheRealDeal
Promising
Supreme Hero
Foobum* of Justice!
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posted March 02, 2005 10:53 PM |
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That.. this.. this is hilarious! 
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*We all know the that Foobum is the class of all that is Cake.
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sirzapdos
Promising
Famous Hero
Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
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posted March 04, 2005 12:30 AM |
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Apparently you're the only one who thinks so. That's it. No more long posts outside of the Glade.
*runs to read Cold Winter*
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pandora
Honorable
Legendary Hero
The Chosen One
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posted June 24, 2005 04:07 PM |
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Bumped to show off long overdue QP to sirzapdos
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"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
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TheUglyLazyM...
Tavern Dweller
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posted June 26, 2005 07:24 AM |
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TheUltimateFail
Quote:
What you need is TheUltimateTranslator, a miraculous device that transforms immature, thoughtless and rude comments into kind, polite and engaging sentences. While this gadget is no match for my own verbal wizardry, it is a good place to start. I will demonstrate this wonderful piece of technology now, using the aforementioned High School Reunion scenario as the backdrop:
"I don't have a job anymore. Being unemployed rules. I can watch TV all day." ~~~~~~~~~~ "I'm currently exploring various opportunities and will hopefully be able to find a stable career in the near future."
"You're Sandy Jetta? As in, 'Jumbo Jetta?' No way, you can't be Sandy. You're not 300 pounds overweight!" ~~~~~~~~~~~ "Sandy? Sandy Jetta? I didn't even recognize you! You look great!
"Am I keeping busy? Umm, well I usually just sit around in my underwear all day, channel surfing until SportsCenter comes on." ~~~~~~~~~~ "I enjoy watching sports with my friends, and whenever I can, I enjoy playing sports with my friends. A bunch of us are in a league down at the Sportsplex. It's a lot of fun."
"Mindy! Mindy! Hey, it's me! I'm the one who tripped you in the cafeteria all the time! Freaking hilarious!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hi, Mindy. How are you? I realize it may be a little late, but I'd like to apologize for all the things I did to you all those years ago. I was just stupid kid. Would you like a drink?"
UltimateTranslators are available at all fine department stores.
Unfortuneatly, your UltimateTranslator was bugged, here are some of the example conversations i have had in the past, using it
Hello, I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello, your kind of ugly, but i cant do much better, your also somewhat fat, but would you like to go to dinner with me?
I was on a somewhat successful date, more than usual when i activated my UltimateTranslator
Would you like me to take you home? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I would like to get to third base with you in the car
So after this incident, i threw my UltimateTranslator away, and it hit an old lady in the head. I was arrested for assault, and am now known citywide as An Attempted Rapist
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