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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: ///Léo's House of Humour\\\
Thread: ///Léo's House of Humour\\\ This thread is 3 pages long: 1 2 3 · «PREV / NEXT»
sirzapdos
sirzapdos


Promising
Famous Hero
Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
posted February 26, 2005 01:52 AM

Quote:
When NASA first started sending astronauts up into space, they
quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To
combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to
develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on
almost any surface (including glass), and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Please say that this is indeed a joke, and not true...
____________
So I try to live a complicated world...

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted March 02, 2005 07:45 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 2 Mar 2005

Joke #31:

WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN














Joke #32:

Seniors' Golf Cart (I got this one from Conan a few days ago)


Joke #33:

Not now kid! Can't you see I'm busy?!


Joke #34:

The Run Away Husband

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. So he decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted March 04, 2005 12:55 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 3 Mar 2005

Joke #35:

Tweetie Bird's prayer


Joke #36:

Royal "Wedding Portrait"


Joke #37:

Passengers who deserve to fly "cargo"

(I wish I had guts like the girl in this story. This is for all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer.)

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled at the lasty minute and a single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk, and as he slapped his ticket on the counter, he said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "Hello sir! I'll be happy to try and assist you once I've finished helping these folks in line first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger who was unimpressed, asked in a loud voice so that the people behind him could hear "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the entire terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help determine his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks in line behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!".

Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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TitaniumAlloy
TitaniumAlloy


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
posted March 08, 2005 10:54 AM

Good to see you won something with my joke Leo!

1-A lawyer was getting out of his beloved BMW when a car came speeding past
and ripped the door off of his car. When the police arrived, the irate man
was jumping up & down and was screaming about his prized Beemer's door being
mangled. The officer gets out and says:

"You lawyers are so materialistic, really! You are so mad about the car
being damaged that you didn't even notice that your arm has been ripped off
too."

The lawyer looks down at his bloodied stump and says

"Oh God, where is my Rolex?!"




2-4- A couple of hunters are out in the
woods, when one of them falls to the ground clenching his chest. He doesn't
seem to be breathing & his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy
whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line and he says:

"OK, now what?"

how is this thread 'Roleplay'?

____________
John says to live above hell.

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted March 12, 2005 09:56 PM

People are loving these jokes!!! I am at a family reunion this weekend & I am telling some of these jokes to different people,and they are loving them!

Thanks for the submissions everyone, keep them coming...
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted March 16, 2005 07:01 PM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 16 Mar 2005

Joke #38:

Crazy tourists! (I think I saw Svarog in a few of these pics. )




















____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted March 16, 2005 11:03 PM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 16 Mar 2005

Joke #39:

How "good" are  you at math? (Got this one from my mom last week)

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in Real Life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-*
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

NOW, look how far this will take you:

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you all the way, it's the bulls*** and a** kissing that will put you over the top.
Joke #40:

Trucker (Got this one from my boss a few weeks ago)

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Krista and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Krista, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Krista, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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mvassilev
mvassilev


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
posted March 17, 2005 06:43 PM



Lol, what can I say?
____________
Eccentric Opinion

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sirzapdos
sirzapdos


Promising
Famous Hero
Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
posted March 17, 2005 11:53 PM

With Leo's approval, a fresh batch

*********

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes.

They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One were struck by a hijacked plane, while carrying you Mr. president, and everyone on board died, that would be
a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it probably wouldn't be an ACCIDENT and it certainly wouldn't be a GREAT LOSS."

*********

A burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the
flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth.

He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room and noticed a birdcage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage.

"Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar.

"Yes, I am." said the parrot.

"Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you.'?" asked the man.

"Because I felt like you needed to be warned." replied the parrot.

By this time the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the living daylights out of him.

"What's your name?" asked the burglar.

"Moses." the parrot said.

"Yeah, right!" the man said. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus!" replied the parrot.

*********

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn't believe it and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he's recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quadruple my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider."

The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. four times, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his I.Q. increased to four times its usual level.

Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done." And she turns the fisherman into a woman.

*********

Top Ten Reasons to Live in British Columbia

10. Cannabis.

9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash.

7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.

6. A university with a nude beach.

5. Your $400,000 vancouver home is only 5 hours from downtown.

4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar.

3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder.

2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and 2 bridges.

1. Weed

*******************

Top Ten Reasons to Live in Alberta

10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with
it.

9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

8. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own
country.

7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.

6. Stamps vs. Eskies.

5. Flames vs. Oilers.

4. The premier is a fat alcohlic who is easy to make fun of.

3. Tax is only 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent for the rest of the country.

2. Ottawa who?

1. Big Rock between you and BC.

***********************

Top Ten Reasons to Live in Saskatchewan

10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.

9. Your province has the coolest sounding name.

8. People will assume you live on a farm.

7. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.

6. YOUR Roughriders survived.

5. It takes you 2 weeks to walk to your neighbour's house.

4. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard.

3. Cruise Control takes on a whole new meaning.

2. Your province is really easy to draw.

1. You never run out of wheat.

*******************

Top Ten Reasons to Live in Manitoba

10. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

9. Because of your license plate, you are still friendly even when you cut
someone off.

8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.

7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.

6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.

5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.

4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government.

3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto.

2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg."

1. You can wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property.

*********************

Top Ten Reasons to Live in Ontario

10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein.

9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house.

8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner: rant and rave on national TV for a dollar.

7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto becuase they mistakenly believe it to be a cool city. (ZING!)

5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition.

4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist. Separate from what? You are the centre of the universe.

3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.

2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.

1. You live in the centre of the universe.

*****************

Top Ten Reasons to Live in Quebec

10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards."

9. NON-Smokers are the outcasts.

8. The province with the oldest and nastiest hookers.

7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys who can't skate.

6. The FLQ.

5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.

4. You can take bets with your friends as to which English neighbour will move out next.

3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.

2. Racism is socially acceptable.

1. Everybody assumes you're an snow.

******************

Top Ten Reasons to Live in New Brunswick

10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.

9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen.

8. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

7. You have french people, but they don't want to kill you.

6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.

5. The economy is based on fish, cows and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston.

4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours.

3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.

2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income.

1. You are sandwiched between french snows and drunken celtic fiddlers.

*****************

Top Ten Reasons to Live in Nova Scotia

10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.

9. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music.

8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.

7. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money.

6. The province that produced Rita McNeil, the world's largest land mammal.

5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert homo.

4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass.

3. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't think they can.

2. The province is shaped like male genetalia.

1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the  war by a moron who set an ammunitions ship on fire (Halifax Explosion).

******************

Top Ten Reasons to Live in Prince Edward Island

10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or anyone for that matter.

8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.

7. You can drive across the province in 2 minutes.

6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave.

5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes and CBC TV shows.

4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from.

3. You were probably once and extra on "Road to Avonlea."

2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big ass bridge.

******************

Top Ten Reasons to Live in Newfoundland

10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day.

9. If someone asks if you're from Cape Breton, you are allowed to kick their ass.

8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.

7. The workday is about two hours long.

6. You and only you understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.

5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.

4. The economy is based on fish, seafood and fish-related products.

3. In the rare case that someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dea cod.

2. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.

1. The poorest, drunkest province in Confederation.[

*********

Courtesy of Rick Mercer of "This Hour Has 22 Minutes," CBC Television:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like
you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly
veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this -

We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

*********

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over the limit) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah?!" said the cop. "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher." I responded.

The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6
foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot snow?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge......."


Ticket: $95
Insurance: Up $50 a year
Look on cop's face: Priceless!

*********

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, a slide rule and log tables.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra network. He is being charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

____________
So I try to live a complicated world...

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted April 06, 2005 07:03 PM

Joke #41:

Applications for Child Support (Got this one from Jebus over a month ago)

British Unwed Girls

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes
the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this
helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you
and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Joke #42:

Funny story about a photographer! (Also got this one from Jebus over a month ago)

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"Oh me, oh my...that's a lot of 'shooting'!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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lord_crusader
lord_crusader


Promising
Supreme Hero
UHU!! supreme!
posted April 07, 2005 01:07 AM
Edited By: lord_crusader on 6 Apr 2005

a cute one

____________
Dig Out Your Soul

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Khaelo
Khaelo


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Underwater
posted April 13, 2005 12:46 AM

Things Not To Say at a Job Interview

{From the Washington Post}

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

*Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
   
*Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
   
*Brought her large dog to the interview.
   
*Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
   
*Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
   
*She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.
   
*Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
   
*Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
   
*Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

*Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.

*Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
   
*Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
   
*Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
   
*Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
   
*Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
   
*When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
   
*Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
   
*Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
   
*Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
   
*Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
   
*Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
   
*Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
   
*While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
   
*During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
   
*A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
   
*An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
   
*His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

*He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
 
*He took off his right shoe and sock, opened a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
   
*Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
   
*He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
   
*Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
 
* She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
   
*Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
   
*Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

____________
 Cleverly
disguised as a responsible adult

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Jebus
Jebus


Promising
Supreme Hero
TheJester akaJeebs akaJebfoo
posted April 28, 2005 05:31 PM

I like it... (hopefully don't offend any serious catholics)


SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

Next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1)  sip the vodka don’t gulp.

2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8)  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke  bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “ Eat me.”

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry."

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.



____________
"You went over my helmet??"

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VaRuAs
VaRuAs


Famous Hero
Only The Chosen Will Survive
posted May 05, 2005 04:03 AM

I need to advertise my JOKE CENTER try here ppl VaRuAs JoKe WoRlD


____________
Quote
Aculias: WHy did Minnie Mouse break up with Mickey?
Because he was F^%$^$g Goofey.
quote

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted June 30, 2005 01:05 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 29 Jun 2005

I know that it's been a while since I Posted any new jokes in this Thread, but I've accumulated quite the collection over the past few months. I'll be adding them over the next few weeks, so stay tuned. Please don't forget to submit your jokes to me before Posting.

Joke #43:

Newfoudland EMS (Got this one from Conan)

A woman sitting in a restaurant in St John's, Newfoundland suddenly began to cough while eating a giant Lobster. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two men, Bob and Bill, sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller'?" asked  Bob.

The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bill.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No'.

With that, Bob walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt. This shocked the woman and she went into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bob swaggered back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his beer. Bill said in admiration, toasting Bob:

"Ya know boy, I'd heard of dat dere Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
Joke #44:

What bad boys get for their birthday! (Got this one from a coworker)


____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted June 30, 2005 01:16 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 30 Jun 2005

Joke #45:

My point exactly! (Got this one from another coworker)

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted June 30, 2005 07:59 PM

Joke #46:

A Wish for All the Difficult People in Your Life! (Got this one from another coworker)


____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Lion_Leo
Lion_Leo

Tavern Dweller
The 6th Sense & 5th Element!
posted June 30, 2005 08:10 PM

Joke #47:

50 Years of Marriage! (Got this one through Jebus, from a coworker)

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

The two then stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
____________
*The beginning to no end...



*Take care, Lion

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted June 30, 2005 08:33 PM

Joke #48:

Video-phone contest entries! (Found this after looking at this silly website)

Verizon's "Get Someone Famous" Contest

P.S. There are 2 pages of semi-finalist auditions for you all to enjoy!
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted July 01, 2005 12:09 AM
Edited By: Leo_Lion on 30 Jun 2005

Joke #49:

Reasons not to drink, even with friends... (Got this one from Conan)

Looks like Emma had a "really good time"!


It looks like Silverblade's "T.A.K. crew" got a little carried away!


Nice hairdo RSF...Or should I say "hair-DON'T"!


I have some bad news everyone , guitarguy is no more!


Oh no, tigris! What have they done to you?!


Nice & smelly...just the way that Gorman likes it!


Oh, oh...Looks like Guenivere had "an accident"!


Here's Peacemaker resting peacefully.


I know this looks like a girl doing the "balancing act", but I'm pretty sure that it's actually Daddy.


Looks like Sir_Stiven scored himself another "hottie"!


I guess that privatehudson found the solution to his drooling problem!


Look everyone! It's Bort trying to disguise himself!


All I need to say is...VaruASS!

____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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