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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign
Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign This thread is 6 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 · «PREV / NEXT»
Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted July 28, 2006 01:08 AM

nah.
we try so hard thinkin of complex ways to figure yu out but actually its that simple that we dont get it half the time.
____________

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted July 28, 2006 05:11 AM

Hehehe, good news.  Another Aries Bastard has stepped forward and volunteered himself to be a victim!    Yay!  ^_^  I'm still waiting on one more reply and then we can get started.  

Unfortunately, I cannot log in while I'm at work, so I can't check my HCM.  So if our last Aries sees this, okay it by posting in here.

And I've noticed some people adding their star signs into their profiles.  This is also good news!    However, you still need to message me, because I can't keep track of all you bastards.    I mean that in the best way possible.  Really.  
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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted July 28, 2006 11:20 PM
Edited by Iris at 23:22, 28 Jul 2006.

Aha, confirmation.  

Now, without further ado, let’s put the spotlight on our Aries Bastards:

The aristocratic and dignified king of Vampires, Vlaad!

The Supreme Hero of Sex, Money, and Power, TitaniumAlloy!

And the legendary undefeated hero Namus?, Lord_Woock!

The Aries Bastard
Let’s get one thing straight from the get go.  The Aries Bastard is the manliest of men, the beastliest of beasts.  He exudes so much testosterone that not only will the fine hairs on the nape of a woman’s neck stand up, they’ll actually go through a rapid growth spurt.  It is important to note that not only is the Aries Bastard God’s gift to women, he actually is God.  (Just look at TA’s custom title, that crown on Vlaad’s head, and Lord_Woock’s 6000+ post count to see what they think.  )  And we all know what happens to those who don’t believe in God.  A few years with Aries and hell will suddenly seem like a really inviting option.

The Aries Bastard will use gorilla tactics to win you over.  And why shouldn’t you be flattered to be woken at three in the morning to see his great hairy face leering through your fifth-floor bedroom window?  Especially when you’re entertaining a guest who just so happens to be male, totally hetero, and sensitive to boot.

Said guest is likely to be kicked by said boot out o f aforementioned window (which is closed).  Walls will be perforated, furniture dismantled, and sincere apologies extracted from you, who are by now a sobbing heap in the corner, putting the women’s movement back centuries.

As he’s just proven and which he’ll take great pains to point out—he’s not in the least bit jealous or possessive.  It’s just that he likes the idea of loyalty and faithfulness.  From you, that is.  He’ll stay faithful for as long as you stay perfect.  Which you are not.  Which he’ll tell you.  Ad nauseam.  If you want to know you can’t drive, your hair is a mess, and you could do a self-help course, then you can’t go wrong with Aries.

Funnily enough, it’s not the same the other way around.  This hypocritical oaf is quite capable of pointing out your dimply thighs without giving so much as a thought to his own disgusting flab.  Don’t bother pointing this out to him, though—the subtleties of irony will be lost in translation, as English is his second language, and grunting is his first.

How To Spot One
Throw peanuts.  If he catches them in his mouth, he’s probably Aries.  But if he starts beating his chest and picking lint off your clothes, he’s definitely Aries.

Where to Find One
Commandeering a cave.  Moving his lips while reading The Cat in the Hat.  Or marching at a Real Men Against Women’s Rights to Answer Back rally.  If he’s in the kitchen, he’s obviously lost.

How to Intrigue One
This is tricky, because you need to be two things at once.  You’ve got to be loud and obnoxious so he thinks he’s found his soul mate.  At the same time, you must show your soft, feminine side so his masculinity isn’t threatened.

The First Date
He’ll either take you to the zoo to meet his family or else he’ll invite you to an annual Especially Privileged Ladies Night at the Lodge and tell you what you’d like to eat, how much you’d like to drink, and be horrified when you attempt to open your mouth for anything other than eating.

When to Do the Deed
Whenever.  If he doesn’t have honorable intentions, he’ll think you’re trash but have sex with you anyway.  If he does like you, he’ll still have sex with you and then wake you up to propose.

When to Pop the Question
Don’t.  That’s a man’s job.  Just relax and enjoy your independence while you still have it.  You’ll have years to regret giving it up.

If He Dumps You
Forget him.  Since the Aries Bastard is incapable of admitting he’s wrong—particularly in front of a woman—he’s hardly likely to come loping back into your life declaring it was all a big mistake.  If he does, it’s only because no other woman will have him.

If You Dump Him
He’ll chase you because it won’t occur to him that you can ignore his sheer animal magnetism.  Keep running.  He’ll trip over his knuckles sooner or later.



Now, ladies, let’s see which of you is compatible with our first star sign...    (Guys, you can take it as well to see how well you'd get along with these men if you were born female... )



Are you compatible with an Aries Bastard?
Take this test and you’ll see that to date an Aries Bastard is to experience life in a simpler era.  A time when men banged rocks together all day long and were still considered valuable members of society.  This chest-thumping paradise was otherwise known as the Neolithic period, which, scientifically speaking, started just after housework was invented and ended well before sensitivity was first discovered in men.  Highly evolved, Aries is not.  But hirsute, he certainly is.

1. I will date a male only if he is:
a. a mammal
b. a primate
c. a large primate
d. capable of speech

2. There is nothing sexier in a man than:
a. a full head of hair
b. a hairy chest
c. a hairy back
d. hairy knuckles

3. Answer True of False.  These things are important to me in a partner:
a. the ability to use a knife and fork… for eating
b. the ability to read
c. the ability to dance
d. two eyebrows

4. Which of the following traits initially attracts you to a man?
a. a strong smell of sweat
b. spitting
c. chest beating
d. a penis

5. You are in a bar when two men get into a fight.  Do you:
a. ignore them?
b. feel sexually aroused?
c. hope the winner asks you out?
d. hope they both ask you out and then start fighting again… over you?

6. What do you consider to be adequate foreplay?
a. any common greeting
b. being shaken awake
c. watching contact sports
d. none of the above

7. A fair division of housework between you and your partner is:
a. you: 100%, him: non
b. you: 99%, him: 1%
c. you: 98%, him 2%
d. you: 50%, him: none, the maid: 50%

8. Feminism is:
a. the belief in and use of labor-saving kitchen appliances (and something you don’t subscribe to)
b. a vaginal deodorant
c. a term you are unfamiliar with
d. the advocacy of equal rights and opportunities for women

9. Dykes are women who:
a. sometimes forget to shave under their arms
b. refuse to wear pushup bras at all times
c. voice an opinion
d. perform sexual acts with other women for the gratification of heterosexual men

10. A man offers to help you carry your supermarket bag (holding a load of bread and a box of tampons) to your car.  You are most likely to:
a. perform a sexual favor in return
b. simper gratefully all the way to the car
c. fall instantly head over heels in love
d. thank him, but say you think you can manage


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
2. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
3. Score 1 point for False answer and 0 points for every True answer
4. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d = 1
5. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d = -1
6. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
7. a = 4, b = 3, c = 2, d = 1
8. a = 3, b = 4, c = 2, d = -4
9. a = 3, b = 4, c = 1, d = 2
10. a = 4, b = 3, c = 4, d = -1


Score less than 0
Congratulations, you two are not of the same species and therefore cannot interbreed.

Score between 0 and 10
You are not the sort to get too excited when the Aries Bastard beats up other larger primates to impress you, but you could still, through tenacity, blind optimism, and frequent lapses into stupidity, maintain this relationship for up to twelve months.

Score between 10 and 20
You will have to do all the work in this relationship (especially the housework) but you’ll probably be able to put up with Aries long enough to either be out of a job or get pregnant.  Either way, your career will be over but that doesn’t matter as it is not as important as his and nowhere near as important as taking care of him.

Score between 20 and 30
Your score reveals a high potential for compatibility with an Aries Bastard.  We can only hope you’re very, very bad at math.

Score more than 30
We don’t believe you.








And our next sign will be... Taurus!  Okay, Taureans I'm coming after you next.  

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Lady_Milena
Lady_Milena


Honorable
Known Hero
Grannie Sweet Cheeks
posted July 28, 2006 11:36 PM
Edited by Lady_Milena at 18:48, 30 Jul 2006.

Hi. I'm Milena. You can skip the lady part too. It's still me, yes. Let me get started that I'm the kinda chick who doesn't need to have a man's star sign to know he's a bastid. The word man in itself is enough! However! As there is a dozen of star signs, there is a dozen of different bastids out there. I've also had the exclusive delight and priviledge to deal with them.

Let's see... the great one sample of these carries the Libra sign! Quality makes up for quantity with this sign.

I'm particularly not impartial to Leos and Capricorns either.

Male Virgos have a seperate chapter by themselves in my B-book. :-P



=====

My Aries bastard compatability:

1. I will date a male only if he is:
d. capable of speech

How else. I get tired of my own monologues

2. There is nothing sexier in a man than:
a. a full head of hair

A little is great. Too much is mmm...

3. Answer True of False. These things are important to me in a partner:
a. the ability to use a knife and fork… for eating F
This is a nice asset but knives are useful for cutting other stuff too. ;-)
b. the ability to read  T
We'd have no other way of communicating then ;-)
c. the ability to dance F
Another great asset but... I can make do without it.
d. two eyebrows F
1 1/2 is good enough :-P


4. Which of the following traits initially attracts you to a man?
a. a strong smell of sweat
b. spitting
c. chest beating
d. a penis

I couldn't answer this question at all. I'm very squeamish and I'm known to feel terribly sick at the sight of body fluids. This is what takes A and B out of the picture. As for C and D, I'm the type of girls repulsed by these two. Can't choose, sorry.

5. You are in a bar when two men get into a fight. Do you:
a. ignore them?

Scoot out actually. Intolerance to body fluids, remember? ;-)

6. What do you consider to be adequate foreplay?
b. being shaken awake
d. none of the above

Really considered these two. Considering I never know who could wake me up ... including my parent... that's a no.

7. A fair division of housework between you and your partner is:
d. you: 50%, him: none, the maid: 50%

8. Feminism is:
c. a term you are unfamiliar with

Another used-and-abused word.

9. Dykes are women who:
a. sometimes forget to shave under their arms
d. perform sexual acts with other women for the gratification of heterosexual men

Well, looking technically at it, a dyke is this:

(I tried to insert here a picture of Martina Navratilova, a good example of a famous DYKE. I tried 3 links and they don't link up to the picture itself. Blaaah)

Men, how would you like to two ladies like that having "fun"?

The cute tigresses you see on porn movies, that's LLs (Lipstick Lesbians). Dykes are a ... different matter.


10. A man offers to help you carry your supermarket bag (holding a load of bread and a box of tampons) to your car. You are most likely to:
b. simper gratefully all the way to the car

Score: 1, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 3

= 17


Score between 10 and 20
You will have to do all the work in this relationship (especially the housework) but you’ll probably be able to put up with Aries long enough to either be out of a job or get pregnant. Either way, your career will be over but that doesn’t matter as it is not as important as his and nowhere near as important as taking care of him.


Phhhhhhew. I'm not a cannibal. I can't possibly bite off a head of a fellow Aries, now can I? :-P

____________
God does not need exist to save us...

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Vlaad
Vlaad


Admirable
Legendary Hero
ghost of the past
posted July 28, 2006 11:43 PM
Edited by Vlaad at 23:46, 28 Jul 2006.

Quote:
The Aries Bastard
Let’s get one thing straight from the get go.  The Aries Bastard is the manliest of men, the beastliest of beasts.  He exudes so much testosterone that not only will the fine hairs on the nape of a woman’s neck stand up, they’ll actually go through a rapid growth spurt.  It is important to note that not only is the Aries Bastard God’s gift to women, he actually is God.  (Just look at TA’s custom title, that crown on Vlaad’s head, and Lord_Woock’s 6000+ post count to see what they think.  )  And we all know what happens to those who don’t believe in God.  A few years with Aries and hell will suddenly seem like a really inviting option.

The Aries Bastard will use gorilla tactics to win you over.  And why shouldn’t you be flattered to be woken at three in the morning to see his great hairy face leering through your fifth-floor bedroom window?  Especially when you’re entertaining a guest who just so happens to be male, totally hetero, and sensitive to boot.

Said guest is likely to be kicked by said boot out o f aforementioned window (which is closed).  Walls will be perforated, furniture dismantled, and sincere apologies extracted from you, who are by now a sobbing heap in the corner, putting the women’s movement back centuries.

As he’s just proven and which he’ll take great pains to point out—he’s not in the least bit jealous or possessive.  It’s just that he likes the idea of loyalty and faithfulness.  From you, that is.  He’ll stay faithful for as long as you stay perfect.  Which you are not.  Which he’ll tell you.  Ad nauseam.  If you want to know you can’t drive, your hair is a mess, and you could do a self-help course, then you can’t go wrong with Aries.

Funnily enough, it’s not the same the other way around.  This hypocritical oaf is quite capable of pointing out your dimply thighs without giving so much as a thought to his own disgusting flab.  Don’t bother pointing this out to him, though—the subtleties of irony will be lost in translation, as English is his second language, and grunting is his first.

How To Spot One
Throw peanuts.  If he catches them in his mouth, he’s probably Aries.  But if he starts beating his chest and picking lint off your clothes, he’s definitely Aries.

Where to Find One
Commandeering a cave.  Moving his lips while reading The Cat in the Hat.  Or marching at a Real Men Against Women’s Rights to Answer Back rally.  If he’s in the kitchen, he’s obviously lost.

How to Intrigue One
This is tricky, because you need to be two things at once.  You’ve got to be loud and obnoxious so he thinks he’s found his soul mate.  At the same time, you must show your soft, feminine side so his masculinity isn’t threatened.

The First Date
He’ll either take you to the zoo to meet his family or else he’ll invite you to an annual Especially Privileged Ladies Night at the Lodge and tell you what you’d like to eat, how much you’d like to drink, and be horrified when you attempt to open your mouth for anything other than eating.

When to Do the Deed
Whenever.  If he doesn’t have honorable intentions, he’ll think you’re trash but have sex with you anyway.  If he does like you, he’ll still have sex with you and then wake you up to propose.

When to Pop the Question
Don’t.  That’s a man’s job.  Just relax and enjoy your independence while you still have it.  You’ll have years to regret giving it up.

If He Dumps You
Forget him.  Since the Aries Bastard is incapable of admitting he’s wrong—particularly in front of a woman—he’s hardly likely to come loping back into your life declaring it was all a big mistake.  If he does, it’s only because no other woman will have him.

If You Dump Him
He’ll chase you because it won’t occur to him that you can ignore his sheer animal magnetism.  Keep running.  He’ll trip over his knuckles sooner or later.
AHAHAHAHAHA

*ahem*

What she said.
Quote:
Now, ladies, let’s see which of you is compatible with our first star sign...    (Guys, you can take it as well to see how well you'd get along with these men if you were born female... )
I've asked my wife to quickly do the test, so let's see!
Quote:
Are you compatible with an Aries Bastard?
Take this test and you’ll see that to date an Aries Bastard is to experience life in a simpler era.  A time when men banged rocks together all day long and were still considered valuable members of society.  This chest-thumping paradise was otherwise known as the Neolithic period, which, scientifically speaking, started just after housework was invented and ended well before sensitivity was first discovered in men.  Highly evolved, Aries is not.  But hirsute, he certainly is.

1. I will date a male only if he is:
a. a mammal
b. a primate
c. a large primate
d. capable of speech

2. There is nothing sexier in a man than:
a. a full head of hair
b. a hairy chest
c. a hairy back
d. hairy knuckles

3. Answer True of False.  These things are important to me in a partner:
a. the ability to use a knife and fork… for eating T
b. the ability to read T
c. the ability to dance F
d. two eyebrows F

4. Which of the following traits initially attracts you to a man?
a. a strong smell of sweat
b. spitting
c. chest beating
d. a penis

5. You are in a bar when two men get into a fight.  Do you:
a. ignore them?
b. feel sexually aroused?
c. hope the winner asks you out?
d. hope they both ask you out and then start fighting again… over you?

6. What do you consider to be adequate foreplay?
a. any common greeting
b. being shaken awake
c. watching contact sports
d. none of the above

7. A fair division of housework between you and your partner is:
a. you: 100%, him: none
b. you: 99%, him: 1%
c. you: 98%, him 2%
d. you: 50%, him: none, the maid: 50%

8. Feminism is:
a. the belief in and use of labor-saving kitchen appliances (and something you don’t subscribe to)
b. a vaginal deodorant
c. a term you are unfamiliar with
d. the advocacy of equal rights and opportunities for women

9. Dykes are women who:
a. sometimes forget to shave under their arms
b. refuse to wear pushup bras at all times
c. voice an opinion
d. perform sexual acts with other women for the gratification of heterosexual men

10. A man offers to help you carry your supermarket bag (holding a load of bread and a box of tampons) to your car.  You are most likely to:
a. perform a sexual favor in return
b. simper gratefully all the way to the car
c. fall instantly head over heels in love
d. thank him, but say you think you can manage


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
2. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
3. Score 1 point for False answer and 0 points for every True answer =2
4. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d = 1
5. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d = -1
6. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
7. a = 4, b = 3, c = 2, d = 1
8. a = 3, b = 4, c = 2, d = -4
9. a = 3, b = 4, c = 1, d = 2
10. a = 4, b = 3, c = 4, d = -1


Score less than 0
Congratulations, you two are not of the same species and therefore cannot interbreed.

Score between 0 and 10
You are not the sort to get too excited when the Aries Bastard beats up other larger primates to impress you, but you could still, through tenacity, blind optimism, and frequent lapses into stupidity, maintain this relationship for up to twelve months.


Score between 10 and 20
You will have to do all the work in this relationship (especially the housework) but you’ll probably be able to put up with Aries long enough to either be out of a job or get pregnant.  Either way, your career will be over but that doesn’t matter as it is not as important as his and nowhere near as important as taking care of him.

Score between 20 and 30
Your score reveals a high potential for compatibility with an Aries Bastard.  We can only hope you’re very, very bad at math.

Score more than 30
We don’t believe you.


Great questions, by the way! LMAO

Anyway, you got one thing wrong - it's not 12 months... It's been 11 years. Duh!
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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted July 29, 2006 01:17 AM
Edited by Iris at 01:19, 29 Jul 2006.

Hehehe, I guess I could throw my answers up there too.    

Are you compatible with an Aries Bastard?

1. I will date a male only if he is:
a. a mammal
b. a primate
c. a large primate
d. capable of speech

2. There is nothing sexier in a man than:
a. a full head of hair
b. a hairy chest
c. a hairy back
d. hairy knuckles

3. Answer True of False.  These things are important to me in a partner:
a. the ability to use a knife and fork… for eating F
b. the ability to read T
c. the ability to dance F
d. two eyebrows T

4. Which of the following traits initially attracts you to a man?
a. a strong smell of sweat
b. spitting
c. chest beating
d. a penis

5. You are in a bar when two men get into a fight.  Do you:
a. ignore them?
b. feel sexually aroused?
c. hope the winner asks you out?
d. hope they both ask you out and then start fighting again… over you?

6. What do you consider to be adequate foreplay?
a. any common greeting
b. being shaken awake
c. watching contact sports
d. none of the above

7. A fair division of housework between you and your partner is:
a. you: 100%, him: non
b. you: 99%, him: 1%
c. you: 98%, him 2%
d. you: 50%, him: none, the maid: 50%

8. Feminism is:
a. the belief in and use of labor-saving kitchen appliances (and something you don’t subscribe to)
b. a vaginal deodorant
c. a term you are unfamiliar with
d. the advocacy of equal rights and opportunities for women

9. Dykes are women who:
a. sometimes forget to shave under their arms
b. refuse to wear pushup bras at all times
c. voice an opinion
d. perform sexual acts with other women for the gratification of heterosexual men

10. A man offers to help you carry your supermarket bag (holding a load of bread and a box of tampons) to your car.  You are most likely to:
a. perform a sexual favor in return
b. simper gratefully all the way to the car
c. fall instantly head over heels in love
d. thank him, but say you think you can manage


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
2. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
3. Score 1 point for False answer and 0 points for every True answer 2
4. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d = 1
5. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d = -1
6. a = 4, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
7. a = 4, b = 3, c = 2, d = 1
8. a = 3, b = 4, c = 2, d = -4
9. a = 3, b = 4, c = 1, d = 2
10. a = 4, b = 3, c = 4, d = -1


Score less than 0
Congratulations, you two are not of the same species and therefore cannot interbreed.

Score between 0 and 10
You are not the sort to get too excited when the Aries Bastard beats up other larger primates to impress you, but you could still, through tenacity, blind optimism, and frequent lapses into stupidity, maintain this relationship for up to twelve months.


Score between 10 and 20
You will have to do all the work in this relationship (especially the housework) but you’ll probably be able to put up with Aries long enough to either be out of a job or get pregnant.  Either way, your career will be over but that doesn’t matter as it is not as important as his and nowhere near as important as taking care of him.

Score between 20 and 30
Your score reveals a high potential for compatibility with an Aries Bastard.  We can only hope you’re very, very bad at math.

Score more than 30
We don’t believe you.



____________

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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted July 29, 2006 02:10 AM

Quote:
Score between 0 and 10
You are not the sort to get too excited when the Aries Bastard beats up other larger primates to impress you, but you could still, through tenacity, blind optimism, and frequent lapses into stupidity, maintain this relationship for up to twelve months.


thank my lucky stars!
____________

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ruby
ruby


Promising
Known Hero
crazed swede
posted July 29, 2006 03:49 AM

Believe it or not, but I scored 11.

Score between 10 and 20
You will have to do all the work in this relationship (especially the housework) but you’ll probably be able to put up with Aries long enough to either be out of a job or get pregnant. Either way, your career will be over but that doesn’t matter as it is not as important as his and nowhere near as important as taking care of him.

Are you compatible with an Aries Bastard?

1. I will date a male only if he is:
a. a mammal
b. a primate
c. a large primate
d. capable of speech

2. There is nothing sexier in a man than:
a. a full head of hair
b. a hairy chest
c. a hairy back
d. hairy knuckles

3. Answer True of False. These things are important to me in a partner:
a. the ability to use a knife and fork… for eating F
b. the ability to read T
c. the ability to dance T
d. two eyebrows F (you never use them anyways)

4. Which of the following traits initially attracts you to a man?
a. a strong smell of sweat
b. spitting
c. chest beating
d. a penis

5. You are in a bar when two men get into a fight. Do you:
a. ignore them?
b. feel sexually aroused? (nothing beats a good old blood bath )
c. hope the winner asks you out?
d. hope they both ask you out and then start fighting again… over you?

6. What do you consider to be adequate foreplay?
a. any common greeting
b. being shaken awake
c. watching contact sports
d. none of the above

7. A fair division of housework between you and your partner is:
a. you: 100%, him: non
b. you: 99%, him: 1%
c. you: 98%, him 2%
d. you: 50%, him: none, the maid: 50%

8. Feminism is:
a. the belief in and use of labor-saving kitchen appliances (and something you don’t subscribe to)
b. a vaginal deodorant
c. a term you are unfamiliar with
d. the advocacy of equal rights and opportunities for women

9. Dykes are women who:
a. sometimes forget to shave under their arms
b. refuse to wear pushup bras at all times
c. voice an opinion
d. perform sexual acts with other women for the gratification of heterosexual men

10. A man offers to help you carry your supermarket bag (holding a load of bread and a box of tampons) to your car. You are most likely to:
a. perform a sexual favor in return
b. simper gratefully all the way to the car
c. fall instantly head over heels in love
d. thank him, but say you think you can manage
____________
The Darker the Sky--
   The Brighter the Stars-

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Lord_Pc
Lord_Pc


Promising
Famous Hero
Groin-Grabingly Clever
posted July 29, 2006 05:32 AM

Another Aries here, but i missed the cut. which doesnt seem all that bad
____________
Da-da-dada-HEY-dada-da-da

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'

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TitaniumAlloy
TitaniumAlloy


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
posted July 29, 2006 07:30 AM

Quote:

The Aries Bastard
Let’s get one thing straight from the get go.  The Aries Bastard is the manliest of men, the beastliest of beasts.


'You are a beast': phrase; compliment, 1st.
-You are very strong
-I find you highly admirable
-The sight of you arouses me (f. clause)

Oxford Dictionary

Sounds about right

Quote:
It is important to note that not only is the Aries Bastard God’s gift to women, he actually is God.

Psh, god is nothing on me!

Quote:
The Aries Bastard will use gorilla tactics to win you over.

Guerilla tactics?

Anyway, who doesn't think this one here's a sexy beast?

I'd consider myself more a lion, actually, and the sign is actually a ram, right?

Quote:
If you want to know you can’t drive, your hair is a mess, and you could do a self-help course, then you can’t go wrong with Aries.

Well who else is going to let you know!

Quote:
When to Do the Deed
Whenever.  If he doesn’t have honorable intentions, he’ll think you’re trash but have sex with you anyway.  If he does like you, he’ll still have sex with you and then wake you up to propose.


i wanna be on you
=best pickup line


Quote:
If You Dump Him
He’ll chase you because it won’t occur to him that you can ignore his sheer animal magnetism.  Keep running.  He’ll trip over his knuckles sooner or later.

haha that one made me laugh nice work hun

I think I'm very compatible
____________
John says to live above hell.

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kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted July 29, 2006 08:34 AM

I scored 11 too

my responses were different to yours though Ruby.  If you are really interested, they were d,b,2,d,a,a,d,d,d,d.

Never been with an Aries man.  My mum and sister are both aries though - firey.

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Antipaladin
Antipaladin


Promising
Legendary Hero
of Ooohs and Aaahs
posted July 29, 2006 09:41 AM

now ,since iris such a smart girl,she will post about areis women are all alike,and then she'll post a questines about how men deal with aries women!

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Gom_Jabbar
Gom_Jabbar


Promising
Famous Hero
Revealer of Truth
posted July 29, 2006 10:48 AM

Pfewwww.... lucky me I'm not Aries.

Hahaha
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TitaniumAlloy
TitaniumAlloy


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
posted July 29, 2006 01:22 PM

you're just jealous
____________
John says to live above hell.

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted July 29, 2006 05:25 PM

Hehehe, another Aries...    Hello, Lord_PC!    (Remember what I said about these bastards thinking they're all high and mighty?)  Welcome to the Bastard Thread.  


Btw, it is supposed to be gorilla tactics because,
guerilla tactics = hit and run
gorilla tactics = chest beating = Aries men




@Antipaladin,

Analyzing the girls is not my job.  I'm only interested in men.    If you want to reverse this and analyze us, go right ahead.    I support you.



And I've found our Taurus Bastard!!  Give me a few more days and it'll be done.    In the meantime, ladies, post your answers!  
____________

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antipaladin
antipaladin


Promising
Legendary Hero
of Ooohs and Aaahs
posted July 30, 2006 10:00 PM

iris,would i embrass my self if i say i lack the knowdlge?

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted August 07, 2006 12:33 AM bonus applied.
Edited by Iris at 06:34, 07 Aug 2006.

Hehehe, all right, Aries, looks like your most compatible lady is Milena!  



Antipaladin, you can make up stuff if you want.  



Now, sorry for the wait.  Let’s welcome our Taurus Bastard, Consis!

(Consis, you are so hard to make fun of.  You don’t make enough ridiculous posts. )

Yep, only one.  :/  Eh, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to throw myself in there, too.    After all, the doctors told me mom that I was supposed to be three boys.  That’s right, I could have been 3 times the bastard any of you can ever hope to be!  

So, the other Taurus Bastard, Iris!



The Taurus Bastard
Quite the polar opposite of our Aries Bastards, the Taurus Bastard is the one man in the universe who seriously knows what’s good for you and goes about giving it to you, no matter how many times you tell him to get lost.  If you so much as attempt to get up to pour yourself a glass of his fortifying home brew, he’ll bark at you to sit back down, as you don’t need to stand on your own two feet while he’s around.  Not only will he do everything for you, he’ll also help you make up your mind for everything that does and does not require thought.  He will let you know when you are tired or hungry, when you are right and wrong, and when you are in love or not.

Consis
“You are both wrong.  It's ok that you're wrong because that's part of finding out what love is.”
See source here.

This usually has the effect of making you feel a bit redundant and fools him into dangerously misguided beliefs like he’s being incredibly useful.  Don’t think you’re being unreasonable if, after a while, you feel like you don’t have a thought of your own.  Even if you did, Taurus wouldn’t agree.

Iris
Iris: Go here and vote Shiny.
Arkm: …Thank you for making up my mind for me.  Anything else you’d like me to believe?

Paradoxically, when he’s not running and therefore ruining your life for you, the Taurus Bastard is busy being chronically lazy.  When it comes to doing things for himself, he won’t move unless he has to (i.e., to the fridge, the fridge, or the fridge).  If he lives by himself, don’t be ecstatic when he invites you over to his place.

Taurus’s element is Earth.  Propaganda issued from the Earth Sign Camp decrees that, yes, he can be a bit of a couch potato, but he is incredibly loyal.    The idea that loyalty has been such a hallowed virtue is completely beyond our realm of comprehension.  That rare breed of man who is faithful usually expects it to be returned in spades.  If you, understandably, like the odd bit of extracurricular nookie just for variety, forget it.  Another guy so much as looks at you and he’ll be dead where he stands.

As for you, Taurus won’t take you to task immediately.  He’ll just keep your innumerable betrayals on his mental scoreboard.  Then, when your quota’s up, he’ll dismiss you.  Ruthlessly.  This can get a bit confusing because the last straw could be the fact that you didn’t pick up groceries on your way home.  So you’ll go through life believing Taurus dumped you because you forgot the milk, not because you slept with his best friend.

How to Spot One
The odd-shaped skull, slightly bovine features, and potbelly are usually dead giveaways.  If he’s pushing around an empty wheelchair, looking for someone to take care of, you’ve found him.

Where to Find One
Standing over you or sitting in a seat on behalf of a completely daft political party.  If by fat chance he’s running anywhere, it’ll be on doctor’s orders.

How to Intrigue One
Look as unfetching as you can in your wheelchair.  When he smiles at you, turn a blind eye and stare pointedly at the golden Labrador seated next to you.  When he refuses to go away, pretend you’re also deaf and mute.

The First Date
He’ll invite you over to his humble home where everything will be panned out and prepared especially for you.  However, before you get a chance to enjoy the fruits of his labor, you’ll be forced into the wheelchair that will ultimately become your home for the remainder of the relationship.

When to Do the Deed
He’ll make up your mind for you on that one.

When to Pop the Question
When you’re fed up with all the vicarious thrills and tumultuous times provided by less dependable but ultimately more desirable bastards.

If He Dumps You
He won’t.  Tenacity is his best virtue.  Drop him instead.

If You Dump Him
He’ll patiently wait for you to realize your disastrous mistake.  When you don’t, he’ll patiently wait until you do.


Let’s once again check some compatibility:


Are you compatible with a Taurus Bastard?
There is no real point in taking this test, because even in the highly likely event that you turn out to be completely unsuited to a Taurus Bastard, and then proceed to tell him so, he’ll just tell you you’re wrong.  After all, a typical stubborn Taurean male always knows better than a typically lame-brained female.  Even when he doesn’t.  And as the zodiac’s number one control freak, he also knows what’s good for you.  Even though he patently isn’t.

1. Do you have a mind of your own?
a. Yes.  In fact, I can’t believe you’re asking me this question.
b. Er, I think so.
c. I’m not sure—let me check with my partner.
d. BAAH!!

2. Choose the gender stereotype that best applies to you:
a. typically hysterical and neurotic female
b. typically weak and helpless female
c. typically impractical and illogical female
d. ball-freaking *****

3. Choose any of the following tasks you can do without help from a man:
a. change my underwear
b. change a lightbulb
c. change a flat tire
d. change my life

4. I would deem a man too controlling if he refuses to let me:
a. hold the TV remote
b. drive his car
c. pay for drinks
d. out of the cellar

5. When it comes to power struggles, I prefer to:
a. encourage them as often as possible
b. not encourage them at all
c. be the first to surrender
d. fight to the death

6. So far as men in uniforms go (!!!!!!!!!), I prefer:
a. storm troopers
b. army sergeants
c. naval officers
d. airline stewards

7. The man I most admire in the entire history of the world is:
a. Adolf Hitler
b. Saddam Hussein
c. Genghis Khan
d. Mahatma Gandhi

8. When a guy is described as a man of huge appetites, you would naturally assume:
a. he is powerful and exciting
b. he is insatiable in bed
c. he embraces life with gusto
d. he is fat

9. If a man said he preferred you to take charge in bed, you would think him a:
a. gentleman
b. pervert
c. liar
d. lazy ****

10. If you see a man barking orders from the couch in front of the TV, you would instinctively hand him:
a. the TV guide
b. a beer
c. a dinner
d. a vacuum cleaner


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = -1, b = 1, c = 2, d = 4
2. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = -4
3. Score 0 points for choosing a, b, and/or c.  Score -10 for d.
4. a = 2, b = 1, c = -1, d = 4
5. a = 2, b = 0, c = 4, d = -4
6. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = -4
7. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
8. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = -4
9. a = 4, b = 0, c = 0, d = -4
10. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = -1


Score less than 0
Well, a milksop you most certainly are not.  And as far as scare tactics go, you’re having none of it unless, of course, you’re the one barking the orders, threatening merry hell and scaring the crap out of men.  Truth be told, you’ve probably got more chance of mating with a eunuch than you have with a Taurus male.

Score between 0 and 10
Sadly for him, you are far too able of body, sound of mind, and high of spirit to be truly compatible with a domineering type like Taurus.  We strongly suspect you also have a secret aversion to men who are fat and lazy.

Score between 10 and 20
Not a bad match.  Indeed, you might just be the kind of girl to get along with a Taurus Bastard—though we use the expression get along with rather loosely here as Taurus would be hard-pressed to co-exist with the Dalai Lama, let alone an occasionally fractious female.

Score between 20 and 30
A Taurus Bastard could be just what the doctor ordered (since you clearly haven’t listened to your shrink).  Pardon us for being so presumptuous, but we’re banking on the fact that you’re probably one of those sickly pale and wan types who would make a consumptive look strong and robust, and have thus had to enlist a Taurus Bastard to fill out all hour answers on your behalf.

Score over 30
Get well soon.




Okay, ladies, post your answers.  




Geminis, you’re next.    Heh heh heh…  This is my area of expertise.    And I have 4 of you to work with.  

Okay, see you next time.  ^_^
____________

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TheUltimateM...
TheUltimateMale


Promising
Known Hero
Male Escort
posted August 07, 2006 04:44 AM

Question of the Day

How many of these female Bastards are actually females in real life?

For all we know, half of those Bastards could actually be Consis, Aculias, Wolfman, or even Asmodean (heaven forbid) when they forget to take their personality disorder medications.

Thanks for the informative topic, now TUM can more readily identify those Bastardly Female CyberGeeks.  Just remember...
____________
Don't hate me because I am beautiful.

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ruby
ruby


Promising
Known Hero
crazed swede
posted August 07, 2006 06:06 AM

1. Do you have a mind of your own?
a. Yes. In fact, I can’t believe you’re asking me this question.
b. Er, I think so.
c. I’m not sure—let me check with my partner.
d. BAAH!!

2. Choose the gender stereotype that best applies to you:
a. typically hysterical and neurotic female
b. typically weak and helpless female
c. typically impractical and illogical female
d. ball-freaking *****

3. Choose any of the following tasks you can do without help from a man:
a. change my underwear
b. change a lightbulb
c. change a flat tire
d. change my life

4. I would deem a man too controlling if he refuses to let me:
a. hold the TV remote
b. drive his car
c. pay for drinks
d. out of the cellar

5. When it comes to power struggles, I prefer to:
a. encourage them as often as possible
b. not encourage them at all
c. be the first to surrender
d. fight to the death

6. So far as men in uniforms go (!!!!!!!!!), I prefer:
a. storm troopers
b. army sergeants (any man in uniform will get me down on my knees )
c. naval officers
d. airline stewards

7. The man I most admire in the entire history of the world is:
a. Adolf Hitler
b. Saddam Hussein
c. Genghis Khan
d. Mahatma Gandhi

8. When a guy is described as a man of huge appetites, you would naturally assume:
a. he is powerful and exciting
b. he is insatiable in bed
c. he embraces life with gusto
d. he is fat

9. If a man said he preferred you to take charge in bed, you would think him a:
a. gentleman
b. pervert
c. liar
d. lazy ****

10. If you see a man barking orders from the couch in front of the TV, you would instinctively hand him:
a. the TV guide
b. a beer
c. a dinner
d. a vacuum cleaner

My score- 10 points

Score between 10 and 20
Not a bad match. Indeed, you might just be the kind of girl to get along with a Taurus Bastard—though we use the expression get along with rather loosely here as Taurus would be hard-pressed to co-exist with the Dalai Lama, let alone an occasionally fractious female.


____________
The Darker the Sky--
   The Brighter the Stars-

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TitaniumAlloy
TitaniumAlloy


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Professional
posted August 07, 2006 06:25 AM

I had to write an essay about someone you admire. I couldn't think of anyone so I wrote about Adolf Hitler because I thought it would cause a stir with the teacher (who was an ***hole anyway).
____________
John says to live above hell.

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