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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign
Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign This thread is 6 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 · «PREV / NEXT»
The_Gootch
The_Gootch


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
posted September 11, 2006 03:21 PM

Well drat.  Seems like I missed my chance to weigh in on the pantywaist Cancers.  Curses!

*shakes fist at efficient women*

____________



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ratmonky
ratmonky


Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
posted September 12, 2006 10:57 PM

LOL, looks like our female members REALLY lack self confidence to take the Leo compatibility test.

I'm the best, just admit it.
____________
Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.

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Lord_Dracos
Lord_Dracos


Hrrrrrrr
posted September 12, 2006 11:40 PM

Sagitarian?

At your service

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted September 13, 2006 01:25 AM
Edited by Iris at 01:27, 13 Sep 2006.

Thanks, Leos.    You guys are good sports.  


And whoo hoo!  A Sagittarius!    Now we have a complete set, ladies and gentlemen!  



And... here are my answers for this one.  

1. My ideal man would be:
a. attractive
b. intelligent
c. good in bed
d. one who thinks he is all of the above

2. The thing I find most repellent in a man is:
a. humility
b. modesty
c. selflessness
d. none of the above

3. Before I die, I would like to:
a. travel the world
b. discover the meaning of life
c. find a cure for cancer
d. date a man who can’t fit this through the door

4. The thought of having to constantly flatter a man makes me want to:
a. laugh
b. heave
c. kill myself
d. shudder with ecstatic delight

5. If I were to compliment a man, it would be along the lines of:
a. “You make Jude Law look like a complete troll.”
b. “Without you, I am nothing.”
c. “You are the Messiah.”
d. “That’s a nice shirt”

6. I would only worship at the alter of a man if:
a. his name was Jesus
b. he paid me a fortune
c. I had just had a frontal lobotomy
d. he told me to

7. My definition of a dutiful wife is a woman who:
a. has given up all hope
b. is a disgrace to the sisterhood
c. knows her place
d. has a domineering husband

8. I would only consider having a child with a man if:
a. the child was guaranteed to inherit his brains
b. the child was guaranteed to inherit his personality
c. the child was guaranteed to inherit his looks
d. we could adopt

9. Currently I would rate myself-worth to be:
a. so high I never wear makeup
b. about average
c. low enough to make me consider having cosmetic surgery
d. so low I generally wear a paper bag over my head

10. Whenever I attend a large social gathering, I tend to:
a. be the life of the party
b. attract admirers
c. mingle easily
d. get mistaken for a houseplant


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
2. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
3. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
4. a = 0, b = 0, c = -1, d = 4
5. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
6. a = 0, b = 2, c = 1, d = 4
7. a = 0, b = 0, c = 4, d = 0
8. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
9. a = -1, b = 0, c = 1, d = 4
10. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4

Total: 5  (That's higher than I expected too )


Score between 0 and 10
Again, you think a little too highly of yourself to be a suitable partner for a Leo Bastard.  He likes a woman who is self-effacing, self-deprecating, and above all, extremely grateful for the fact that he doesn’t mind being seen in public with her.  Indeed, if you want to appear an attractive proposition, you’re going to have to take some pretty drastic measures.  So, to affect the appropriate degree of low self-esteem, how about having an industrial accident?



Okay, Virgos are next.    You know what that means, Tina?  
____________

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dkolb
dkolb


Promising
Known Hero
Nay Nay and Aslan Protector
posted September 13, 2006 09:21 AM

HEY EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME I'M A LEO!

*reads topic*
"How to Spot One
His entrance will always be preceded by drum roll. Of course, if you miss his entrance, you’ll find him already stragically positioned under a spotlight. You can’t miss him there—not with the two game show hostess on either side of him poiting him out. You might also notice The Hand of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: Women of the World, My Gift to You. Regards, God. P.S. Those of You Who Don’t Believe in Me Can Also Have Him."


oh I guess I'm a bastard


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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted September 13, 2006 02:28 PM

1. My ideal man would be:
a. attractive
b. intelligent
c. good in bed
d. one who thinks he is all of the above

2. The thing I find most repellent in a man is:
a. humility
b. modesty
c. selflessness
d. none of the above

3. Before I die, I would like to:
a. travel the world
b. discover the meaning of life
c. find a cure for cancer
d. date a man who can’t fit this through the door

4. The thought of having to constantly flatter a man makes me want to:
a. laugh
b. heave
c. kill myself
d. shudder with ecstatic delight

5. If I were to compliment a man, it would be along the lines of:
a. “You make Jude Law look like a complete troll.”
b. “Without you, I am nothing.”
c. “You are the Messiah.”
d. “That’s a nice shirt”

6. I would only worship at the alter of a man if:
a. his name was Jesus
b. he paid me a fortune
c. I had just had a frontal lobotomy
d. he told me to

7. My definition of a dutiful wife is a woman who:
a. has given up all hope
b. is a disgrace to the sisterhood
c. knows her place
d. has a domineering husband

8. I would only consider having a child with a man if:
a. the child was guaranteed to inherit his brains
b. the child was guaranteed to inherit his personality
c. the child was guaranteed to inherit his looks
d. we could adopt

9. Currently I would rate myself-worth to be:
a. so high I never wear makeup
b. about average
c. low enough to make me consider having cosmetic surgery
d. so low I generally wear a paper bag over my head

10. Whenever I attend a large social gathering, I tend to:
a. be the life of the party
b. attract admirers
c. mingle easily
d. get mistaken for a houseplant


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
2. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
3. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
4. a = 0, b = 0, c = -1, d = 4
5. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
6. a = 0, b = 2, c = 1, d = 4
7. a = 0, b = 0, c = 4, d = 0
8. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
9. a = -1, b = 0, c = 1, d = 4
10. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4

Score = 6



Score between 0 and 10
Again, you think a little too highly of yourself to be a suitable partner for a Leo Bastard. He likes a woman who is self-effacing, self-deprecating, and above all, extremely grateful for the fact that he doesn’t mind being seen in public with her. Indeed, if you want to appear an attractive proposition, you’re going to have to take some pretty drastic measures. So, to affect the appropriate degree of low self-esteem, how about having an industrial accident?



____________

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Lith-Maethor
Lith-Maethor


Honorable
Legendary Hero
paid in Coin and Cleavage
posted September 14, 2006 10:56 AM

uh...

Quote:
Okay, Virgos are next.  


...where do I sign? ...anybody else?
____________
Dreams of Darkness nWoD IRC Chronicle, set in Edinburgh

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LadyGuenivere
LadyGuenivere


Known Hero
Spam Deep-Fryer Mod-Repellant
posted September 17, 2006 10:19 PM

I feel terrible, I'm very late indeed. Sorry Iris. Can I still join O.K. Here goes...

I'm LadyGuenivere.

I am supposedly "feisty" (dontcha know it)
And a Spam Princess. (Yay! Someone finally recognizes my true title)

I've done some stupid things when I was newer to HC, and most of HC has yet to forgive me. When I get mad, I can hold a grudge pretty **** long, but if you're on my good side, I forgive very easily. I need a guy who's supportive, and can keep up with all the drama!


Here's my quiz answers.

1. My ideal man would be:
a. attractive
b. intelligent
c. good in bed
d. one who thinks he is all of the above

2. The thing I find most repellent in a man is:
a. humility
b. modesty
c. selflessness
d. none of the above

3. Before I die, I would like to:
a. travel the world
b. discover the meaning of life
c. find a cure for cancer
d. date a man who can’t fit this through the door

4. The thought of having to constantly flatter a man makes me want to:
a. laugh
b. heave
c. kill myself
d. shudder with ecstatic delight

5. If I were to compliment a man, it would be along the lines of:
a. “You make Jude Law look like a complete troll.”
b. “Without you, I am nothing.”
c. “You are the Messiah.”
d. “That’s a nice shirt”

6. I would only worship at the alter of a man if:
a. his name was Jesus
b. he paid me a fortune
c. I had just had a frontal lobotomy
d. he told me to

7. My definition of a dutiful wife is a woman who:
a. has given up all hope
b. is a disgrace to the sisterhood
c. knows her place
d. has a domineering husband

8. I would only consider having a child with a man if:
a. the child was guaranteed to inherit his brains
b. the child was guaranteed to inherit his personality
c. the child was guaranteed to inherit his looks
d. we could adopt

9. Currently I would rate myself-worth to be:
a. so high I never wear makeup
b.5 A Spam Princess
b. about average
c. low enough to make me consider having cosmetic surgery
d. so low I generally wear a paper bag over my head

10. Whenever I attend a large social gathering, I tend to:
a. be the life of the party
b. attract admirers
c. mingle easily
d. get mistaken for a houseplant


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
2. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
3. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
4. a = 0, b = 0, c = -1, d = 4
5. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
6. a = 0, b = 2, c = 1, d = 4
7. a = 0, b = 0, c = 4, d = 0
8. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
9. a = -1, b = 0, c = 1, d = 4
10. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4

Total: 5

Score between 0 and 10
Again, you think a little too highly of yourself to be a suitable partner for a Leo Bastard. He likes a woman who is self-effacing, self-deprecating, and above all, extremely grateful for the fact that he doesn’t mind being seen in public with her. Indeed, if you want to appear an attractive proposition, you’re going to have to take some pretty drastic measures. So, to affect the appropriate degree of low self-esteem, how about having an industrial accident?




____________
What happened to Lady Guiniwhere anyway?
- FoG

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted September 18, 2006 02:44 AM

Gunivere, all men have to deal with alot of drama being with a woman.
Thats part of the requirement
I dont care if it's you or Iris & Kooka .
The drama is simlilar or the same & it is our duty to deal with it.
If we cant?
Then we might as well stay single
____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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LadyGuenivere
LadyGuenivere


Known Hero
Spam Deep-Fryer Mod-Repellant
posted September 18, 2006 10:59 PM

No offense to Iris or Kooka, but, as you may have noticed from my strange array of posts over the past year and a half, I am much more...er...."dramatic."

(Read: insane)
____________
What happened to Lady Guiniwhere anyway?
- FoG

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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted September 28, 2006 02:24 AM

anyone here?
____________

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Lord_Dracos
Lord_Dracos


Hrrrrrrr
posted October 03, 2006 02:02 AM

Hrrrrrrrrrr

Quote:
anyone here?


Yep, i'm still waiting on ole Sagitarious.....


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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted October 03, 2006 05:41 AM

Sorry guys...  School is kicking my behind right now.    Give me some time.  Virgo should be up this weekend.  
____________

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted October 13, 2006 01:36 AM
Edited by Iris at 01:39, 13 Oct 2006.

Sorry for the long break.  Let’s continue with Virgo, shall we?

Please welcome our Virgo Bastards!

Lith-Maethor:

TnT_Addict:


The Virgo Bastard

Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer?  Find out what the FBI has been trying to discover for years by dating a Virgo Bastard.  Because, if you’re going to be a successful psychopath, you have to:

1. Enjoy repeating the same tedious task in the same mind-numbing fashion
2. Have an unhealthy obsession with the small details—details normal people can’t be bothered with because they’ve got lives
3. Write checklists to ensure that you do everything you keep threatening to do

If you are currently in love with a Virgo and you don’t want to believe the truth (“He seems like such a nice, quiet, unassuming kind of guy”), pick up any detective novel that feature an ice pick-wielding psycho and then try telling yourself that he doesn’t remind you of someone you know and it’s all just a bunch of alarming coincidence.


Check out the short story called “Obsessed,” dedicated to our serial killer Explosive Angel and see for yourself!

And why do you think Lith loves the snow so much?  It’s obviously to keep his ice pick from melting in the heat.


Let’s face it, massive generalization and sweeping statements aside, the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.  Like the old little habit Serial Killer/Virgo picked up in childhood.  Even if you replace pulling wings off insects with stamp collecting, exchange bed-wetting for train spotting, and substituted a fascination with lighting fires for an unhealthy interest in algebra, you’ve got to admit the similarities are pretty disturbing.

Then there’s the usual (yawn) teenage angst that turns the slightly creepy, pale, skinny youth in a veritable walking time bomb.  His well-scrubbed, clean-cut features and neatly creased pants make it only right that other boys should want to beat him up.  The fact that he can’t understand why they pick on him gives them all the more reason to do so.

And who can blame the girls for refusing to kiss him in the school parking lot?  To do so means he’d be close enough to scrutinize them.  Serial Killer/Virgo is such a nitpicker he won’t just see the spots on their chins, he’ll also see the blackheads, whiteheads, open pores, and broken capillaries.

It goes without saying he’ll also put your domestic habits under the microscope.  If you’re the kind of girl who thinks housework means waving a vacuum cleaner in the general vicinity of the living room, you’re going to drive Virgo insane.  Likewise, if your idea of cleaning the bathtub consists of chucking in a bar of soap while douching, prepare for problems.

Having said all this, there is one vice that authors habitually omit when describing Virgo’s less endearing qualities.  And that’s because even they are too appalled to bring themselves to put it down on paper.  Whippings and beatings they can happily handle, buckets of blood they can just about stomach.  But let’s not talk about his spending habits.

It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to call Virgo mean with money.  Mean is an inoffensive little word that cannot hope to conjure up the parsimonious ways of this bastard.  Instead, try calling him an outrageous tightwad who would steal the coins out of a blind man’s hat if he thought the poor beggar wasn’t looking.

Virgo is so careful with his cash that he never actually leaves home with it.  However, he’s quite willing to let you spend yours—usually on expensive suits for him to replace the blood-stained ones he’s had to drop off at the drycleaners.

As with all his other bad behavior, there is a deep-rooted psychological excuse for his skinflint shenanigans: since his clients don’t pay him for the work he does on their behalf, nor do they leave him anything in their wills, he’d bound to be financially bereft.

Indeed, to cut a long murder story short, the only things Virgo willingly spends his and/or your money on are personal grooming kits for him, household cleaning products for you, and yes, those infernal ice picks.

How to Spot One
If he looks vaguely familiar, that’s because he is.  You probably saw an artist’s sketchy impression on America’s Most Wanted the night before and faintly remember words like “bludgeoned,” “manhunt,” and “Virgo.”  However, he’s much more attractive in the flesh.  He’s well groomed and often fair of hair—like most serial killers in most killer serials.  Just look for the cool, calm, collected one doing nothing but staring disconcertingly at you from across the room.

Where to Find One
Holding up lines at the bank querying service charges.  Loitering outside self-motivation seminars.  In a public restroom wiping the evidence off his hands.  In a maximum-security psychiatric ward complaining that the wardens put his jacket on back to front, and furthermore, it doesn’t go with his trousers.

How to Intrigue One
Mention your inheritance in casual conversation.  At the same time run your finger seductively up and down the bar counter and comment upon the disgraceful amount of dust there.

The First Date
When he eventually gets around to asking you out, he’ll take you to one of those Hare Krishna centers where for less than fifty cents you can have all the lentils you do not wish to eat.  (Handy hint: Don’t insincerely offer to split the check unless you genuinely want to get rid of all the small change in the bottom of your handbag.)  Be on your guard if, toward the end of the evening, he says he knows this great little spot for an after-dinner drink and it happens to be down a basement, atop a cliff, or up a dark alley.

When to Do the Deed
Whenever the thought of sleeping with a serial killer becomes mildly appealing.

When to Pop the Question
What question are we talking about here?  “When you polish your faucet in the future can you also remember to clean the bathtub?”  “How come I’m paying for dinner again?”  Or “Why do you wax the hair on your chest when you’ve got so little on your head?”

If He Dumps You
Like most things in Virgo’s life, he’ll probably never get around to it.  If he does, it’s obviously because you didn’t keep his shower recess clean enough or file his grocery receipts properly.

If You Dump Him
He’ll be ominously, quietly hurt.  And just when you think you’re rid of him, he’ll appear from behind, accompanied by dodgy camera angels and predictable cello solo.  Don’t think he’s hiding a bunch of flowers behind his back—flowers cost money.  No, the thing in his hand behind his back is that god-damned ice pick again.





Compatibility test, coming right up.  





Are you compatible with a Virgo Bastard

The Virgo Bastard combines the vivaciousness of a reading lamp and the generosity of Scrooge (pre-ghostly visits) with the social graces of a serial killer.  If you’re looking for a man no other woman will ever want to steal, you’ve found him.  But before you start congratulating yourself, remember, while you can take this test to determine your compatibility with a Virgo Bastard, nothing will prepare you for the tedious and frequently nauseating task of actually dating him.

1. Who, of the following, is your ideal man?
a. your tax accountant
b. Lith-Maethor
c. TnT_Addict
d. George Clooney

2. Your partner is coming to dinner.  As part of your seduction routine you might:
a. purchase new lingerie
b. put your CD collection in alphabetical order
c. dust off your Star Trek video collection
d. clean and disinfect the floor

3. Sex is:
a. great
b. for procreative purposes only
c. bearable, as long as it’s quick
d. dirty and disgusting

4. What would you find the most attractive in a man?
a. the neatly ironed crease in his plaid trousers
b. his familiarity with the migrating habits of the great white egret
c. his meticulous comb-over
d. his great sense of humor

5. One of my personal goals is to:
a. attend the Great Texas Birding Classic
b. compare, catalogue, and publish all the existing great coin collection (both public and private)
c. make a documentary about Rowland Hills, the man responsible for the very first postage stamp
d. do none of the above

6. The best document about post office reform by Rowland Hill was called:
a. “Post Office Reform”
b. “Postal Reform”
c. don’t know
d. don’t care

7. All the coins in my collection are graded as:
a. uncirculated (no mark of wear or damage)
b. extremely fine (no clear signs of wear but finish dulled)
c. very fine (minor wear)
d. what????

8. I prefer to eat at places that are:
a. good value for money
b. cheap
c. very cheap
d. called soup kitchens

9. When the waiter delivers the dinner bill, I would expect my date to:
a. offer to take care of it
b. quibble over splitting the bill equally because I had the fish
c. quibble over splitting the bill equally because I ordered a second glass of the house wine
d. quibble over splitting the bill equally because I ate more of the complimentary bread

10. If my partner went to Paris for work, I’d expect to get:
a. perfume
b. a small plastic replica of the Eiffel Tower
c. a postcard (provided postage wasn’t too expensive)
d. exquisitely small soaps and shampoos with the name of the hotel he stayed in printed on them

How to Score
1. a = 2, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
2. a = -1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
3. a = 0, b = 3, c = 2, d = 4
4. a = 4, b = 3, c = 2, d = -2
5. a = 2, b = 4, c = 3, d = 0
6. a = 10, b = 2, c = 0, d = -2
7. a = 10, b = 5, c = 4, d = -1
8. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
9. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
10. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4

Score less than 0
You just can’t see the sexy side of anal retentiveness, can you?

Score between 0 and 10
You have very little in common with a Virgo Bastard and if you allow yourself to go on a few dates with him, you’ll find you have even less.

Score between 10 and 20
The odds for this relationship working get much better if you don’t like sex.  But if your brain begins to atrophy from boredom, keep yourself interested by taking on a project together, like comparing, cataloguing, and publishing all the existing great coin collections (both public and private).  That is, if you really want to.

Score between 20 and 30
A score this high means you are very compatible with a Virgo Bastard.  It also means you are a boring dweeb.

Score more than 30
We think you will find what you are looking for at the nearest Star Trek convention.
____________

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kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted October 13, 2006 09:51 AM

answers
d,a,a,d,d,d,d,a,a,a {I actually love those hotel soaps }
Final score -1
Quote:
You just can’t see the sexy side of anal retentiveness, can you?

____________
uhuh

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted October 13, 2006 10:04 AM

If my woman went to Paris, I would expect Cologne!

____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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Lith-Maethor
Lith-Maethor


Honorable
Legendary Hero
paid in Coin and Cleavage
posted October 13, 2006 10:55 AM

ahem...

as promised, i am going to sit this one out and let my gf take the test, here it goes:

1. Who, of the following, is your ideal man?
b. Lith-Maethor

2. Your partner is coming to dinner.  As part of your seduction routine you might:
a. purchase new lingerie

3. Sex is:
a. great

4. What would you find the most attractive in a man?
d. his great sense of humor

5. One of my personal goals is to:
d. do none of the above

6. The best document about post office reform by Rowland Hill was called:
d. don't care

7. All the coins in my collection are graded as:
d. what????

8. I prefer to eat at places that are:
a. good value for money

9. When the waiter delivers the dinner bill, I would expect my date to:
a. offer to take care of it

10. If my partner went to Paris for work, I’d expect to get:
e. to go with him (failing that, a.)

Score less than 0
You just can’t see the sexy side of anal retentiveness, can you?

...hmmm.. seems to me something is off here
____________
Dreams of Darkness nWoD IRC Chronicle, set in Edinburgh

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kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted October 13, 2006 11:01 AM



Man I actually thought this was a really harsh test  
____________
uhuh

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted October 13, 2006 11:14 AM

It was my birthday not too long ago Lith.
May I have the most expensive Greek Cologne Lith BUDDY OLE PAL ?
Or how about some Aussie cologne Kookie .

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Dreaming of a Better World

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kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted October 13, 2006 11:18 AM

Aussie cologne?  {is that how you spell it, I didn't quote reply }

 I think we are all monoculture here  Will look into it
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uhuh

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