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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign
Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign This thread is 6 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 · «PREV
Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted October 13, 2006 05:18 PM

1. Who, of the following, is your ideal man?
a. your tax accountant
b. Lith-Maethor
c. TnT_Addict
d. George Clooney

2. Your partner is coming to dinner. As part of your seduction routine you might:
a. purchase new lingerie
b. put your CD collection in alphabetical order
c. dust off your Star Trek video collection
d. clean and disinfect the floor

3. Sex is:
a. great
b. for procreative purposes only
c. bearable, as long as itís quick
d. dirty and disgusting

4. What would you find the most attractive in a man?
a. the neatly ironed crease in his plaid trousers
b. his familiarity with the migrating habits of the great white egret
c. his meticulous comb-over
d. his great sense of humor

5. One of my personal goals is to:
a. attend the Great Texas Birding Classic
b. compare, catalogue, and publish all the existing great coin collection (both public and private)
c. make a documentary about Rowland Hills, the man responsible for the very first postage stamp
d. do none of the above

6. The best document about post office reform by Rowland Hill was called:
a. ďPost Office ReformĒ
b. ďPostal ReformĒ
c. donít know
d. donít care

7. All the coins in my collection are graded as:
a. uncirculated (no mark of wear or damage)
b. extremely fine (no clear signs of wear but finish dulled)
c. very fine (minor wear)
d. what????

8. I prefer to eat at places that are:
a. good value for money
b. cheap
c. very cheap
d. called soup kitchens

9. When the waiter delivers the dinner bill, I would expect my date to:
a. offer to take care of it
b. quibble over splitting the bill equally because I had the fish
c. quibble over splitting the bill equally because I ordered a second glass of the house wine
d. quibble over splitting the bill equally because I ate more of the complimentary bread

10. If my partner went to Paris for work, Iíd expect to get:
a. perfume
b. a small plastic replica of the Eiffel Tower
c. a postcard (provided postage wasnít too expensive)
d. exquisitely small soaps and shampoos with the name of the hotel he stayed in printed on them

How to Score
1. a = 2, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
2. a = -1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
3. a = 0, b = 3, c = 2, d = 4
4. a = 4, b = 3, c = 2, d = -2
5. a = 2, b = 4, c = 3, d = 0
6. a = 10, b = 2, c = 0, d = -2
7. a = 10, b = 5, c = 4, d = -1
8. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
9. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
10. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4

My Score =  -5

Score less than 0
You just canít see the sexy side of anal retentiveness, can you?


____________

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supersonic
supersonic


Famous Hero
being digested. E=mc^2, s=vt
posted October 13, 2006 09:07 PM

Hey...

Next one will be the scorpio...

I am dastardly scorpious. I am sooo scorpious... and my sting also bites .

Soo... do I qualify as a Scorpio Bastard?
____________
I am having a new style
Big, fat, naughty. Potential girlfriend - pm me.

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted October 13, 2006 09:55 PM

Of course you do!
You love men as much as  Kookie does.
You & Iris can go to the mall & stare at men just the same & share rumours about how sexy his buns is there & how great this guys muscle is there.
____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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supersonic
supersonic


Famous Hero
being digested. E=mc^2, s=vt
posted October 13, 2006 09:58 PM

I am male

I know that after all those years or grammar and spelling mistakes you have trouble with differing...

But t's ok.

*Pats acu*

One day, you will get cured. And all of those nice cuddly sheeps and care bears and even pee-wee hermann are going to be there

So...

Let's start the quiz! If you encounter any trouble, just ask me - a typical male scorpio bastard.
____________
I am having a new style
Big, fat, naughty. Potential girlfriend - pm me.

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Karashan
Karashan


Hired Hero
aura runs core not hollow
posted October 13, 2006 10:02 PM

wow

how did i miss this thread?
____________
i dont know
nor do i claim to

its just an idea

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted October 15, 2006 03:16 AM
Edited by Iris at 03:17, 15 Oct 2006.

Looks like my sources are off.  Or the scoring is off.  


1. Who, of the following, is your ideal man?
a. your tax accountant
b. Lith-Maethor
c. TnT_Addict
d. George Clooney

2. Your partner is coming to dinner.  As part of your seduction routine you might:
a. purchase new lingerie
b. put your CD collection in alphabetical order
c. dust off your Star Trek video collection
d. clean and disinfect the floor

3. Sex is:
a. great
b. for procreative purposes only
c. bearable, as long as itís quick
d. dirty and disgusting

4. What would you find the most attractive in a man?
a. the neatly ironed crease in his plaid trousers
b. his familiarity with the migrating habits of the great white egret
c. his meticulous comb-over
d. his great sense of humor

5. One of my personal goals is to:
a. attend the Great Texas Birding Classic
b. compare, catalogue, and publish all the existing great coin collection (both public and private)
c. make a documentary about Rowland Hills, the man responsible for the very first postage stamp
d. do none of the above

6. The best document about post office reform by Rowland Hill was called:
a. ďPost Office ReformĒ
b. ďPostal ReformĒ
c. donít know
d. donít care

7. All the coins in my collection are graded as:
a. uncirculated (no mark of wear or damage)
b. extremely fine (no clear signs of wear but finish dulled)
c. very fine (minor wear)
d. what????

8. I prefer to eat at places that are:
a. good value for money
b. cheap
c. very cheap
d. called soup kitchens

9. When the waiter delivers the dinner bill, I would expect my date to:
a. offer to take care of it
b. quibble over splitting the bill equally because I had the fish
c. quibble over splitting the bill equally because I ordered a second glass of the house wine
d. quibble over splitting the bill equally because I ate more of the complimentary bread

10. If my partner went to Paris for work, Iíd expect to get:
a. perfume
b. a small plastic replica of the Eiffel Tower
c. a postcard (provided postage wasnít too expensive)
d. exquisitely small soaps and shampoos with the name of the hotel he stayed in printed on them

How to Score
1. a = 2, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
2. a = -1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
3. a = 0, b = 3, c = 2, d = 4
4. a = 4, b = 3, c = 2, d = -2
5. a = 2, b = 4, c = 3, d = 0
6. a = 10, b = 2, c = 0, d = -2
7. a = 10, b = 5, c = 4, d = -1
8. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
9. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
10. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4

Total Score: 4

Score between 0 and 10
You have very little in common with a Virgo Bastard and if you allow yourself to go on a few dates with him, youíll find you have even less.
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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted October 30, 2006 08:40 PM

who is next?

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted October 31, 2006 05:01 AM

RSF (Libra) is next.  


Okay, Virgos, I'll redo you guys at the end.  As different as all of you are (TnT, Lith, and Trogdor), I'll see what I can draw from you guys.  (In other words, go post more so I have a source to draw from.  )
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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted November 01, 2006 07:14 AM

Hehe now we can see what kind of foo Sox fan is

____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted April 05, 2007 05:48 AM
Edited by Iris at 05:48, 05 Apr 2007.

This will be continued this weekend.  

Boston, you still up for this?

Pecu, you wanna volunteer for this too?    I know you're also one of those superficial Libra bastards.  
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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted April 05, 2007 05:49 AM

Yea why not.
I may be super tired but volunterring is the game


____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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Pomo
Pomo


Famous Hero
The lone peasant
posted April 05, 2007 06:47 AM
Edited by Pomo at 06:47, 05 Apr 2007.

LOL, this is the funniest thread I've seen in a while to Iris...

Btw, I see Libra is coming up ... that's me!! *shudders in fear*
____________
linkTouched by His Noodly Appendage

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alcibiades
alcibiades


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
of Gold Dragons
posted April 05, 2007 10:22 AM

Wow man - this indeed IS awesome.

Please, please, do Aquarius before too long!
____________
What will happen now?

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Spectrum
Spectrum


Famous Hero
Plan B
posted April 05, 2007 11:01 AM

And Sagittarius!
____________
Aculias is like the male nipple of HC, TNT being the other one -Baklava

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted April 05, 2007 11:49 PM bonus applied.
Edited by Iris at 23:53, 05 Apr 2007.

After the extreeeeeeeeeme long break, we return to examine the Libra Bastards.  To make up for it, itís extra long.  

Here they are:

RedSoxFan3:

Aculias :


(Sorry, Pomo, I don't know you really well and I haven't seen you post much outside the HOMM threads, so I wasn't able to make fun of you.    Maybe that's a good thing, who knows?  )



The Libra Bastard
The poor, confused bastard.  Itís not his fault.  Life in the modern world is getting more and more complex and there are so many decisions to make.  He now has to decide between gel and mousse to style his hair every morning.  The stress is unbelievable.

So you can just imagine the pressure heís under when he has to decide whether or not to ask you out.  What if he does, discovers he really likes you, and wants to see you again?  What if he sees you again and likes you even more?  What if you turn out to not be the love of his life, but he marries you anyway?  Then what would he do when the real love of his life comes along?  What if he doesnít ask you out, and you turn out to be the woman of his dreams?  Then he would spend his whole life knowing he let you go.  But then again, maybe itís better not to see the woman of his dreams on a daily basis because that would make it all so mundane and not a bit romantic.

And thereís another thing to consider: What if he asks you out and you say no?

Itís a wonder Libra ever ends up in a relationship at all.  But the truth is, heís always sort of involved or looking to be sort of involved.  He wanders from relationship to relationship, pushing up the countryís divorce rate.  Seven out of ten dead-end relationships involve a Libra Bastard.  The other three mainly concerns Pisces Bastards (thatís another story for another day ).

All the while, Libra is hoping the right girl will come along and make a decision for him.  And even if she never comes along, heís sort of sure thereís someone better than you just around the corner.

Regardless, heíll find plenty to be concerned about.  Of course.  Heíll never voice any of these worries.  Somehow youíll just know thereís something wrong.  Youíll just know that you donít measure up to the girl on the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover.  And youíll know that heís not happy about it.  But on the upside, at least youíll never have to worry about Libra questioning your integrity, your morals, or the beliefs you hold dear.  Your goals and aspirations are similarly beyond him.  Letís just say that if Libra was a swimming pool, there wouldnít be a deep end.  His concerns about you only ever have to do with the way you look, sound, dress, or act.

For instance: What if you donít age well?  Will your blonde streaks still look good when youíre thirty-five?  What if you start dressing like a man after you get comfortable?

Pecu would cry.
Quote:
My date was one of the worst lol.
[Ö]
i dressed up nice, shaved etc.
She wore a mans sweater & sweats LOL.

Man That date sucked LOL.

Yeah, that does suck, doesnít it?  

And the list goes onÖ  Will you put on weight in the next fifty years?  Will your voice get annoying?  Should you wax more often?  Does that pink polish on your toe nails really go with that dress?  Is that dress tight enough?  Is that dress too tight?  Does that dress make your butt look big?  Is your butt too big?  And is that cellulite on your butt?

RSF: I personally voted for tits, because sometimes asses are covered in cottage cheese.

Gross.

With all these weighty matter to sort our itís no wonder Libra takes a very long time to make any kind of move.  Of course, you could take matters into your own hands (which is generally what women do with Libra Bastards, unless they are very young and have plenty of time to waste).  And heíll go along with it as it allows him to put off making a decision about you.  But the fact that Libra willingly comes on dates with you, moves in with you, or even marries you, doesnít mean anything.  Heís just procrastinating.

But because it takes him so long to make up his mind about you (anywhere up to twelve years), you will actually think you are in a secure, committed, and happy relationship.  Unless youíre a mind reader, youíll be taken in by the bland expression constantly on his face and never guess that heís still trying to decide whether or not to date you.  After all, you have been living together for four years.

So when he actually decides he doesnít want to date you and leaves, it will come as a bit of a surprise.  But donít get mad at him.  The Libra Bastard doesnít respond well to screaming and sobbing and smashing crockery.  If he thinks youíre putting on what he considers to be an excessive display of emotion (or an excessive amount of weight), heíll disappear quietly out of your life and find someone, well, nicer.  Someone who wonít question him or demand that he thinks about anything more complicated than which shade of lipstick she should wear.  The fact that she is seventeen, with large breasts, long blonde hair, a lingerie modeling contract, and happens to be a complete idiot, well, these things are just bonuses.

How to Spot One
Heís the charming boyish, well-dressed one, which the nicely blow-dried hair and the vacant expression on his face.

Where to Find One
At forks in the road, in modern dual-flushing toilets or on the judging panel of a Ms. Universe contest.  In fact, anywhere there are trivial decisions to be made.

How to Intrigue One
Appear to be Gisele fresh from a Victoriaís Secret shoot.  Appear to be carefree and unused to heavy thoughts.  Appear to be very young with overdeveloped breasts.  Then wait with the patience of an angel for him to make a move.

The First Date
The first date with Libra is usually quite wonderful.  Heíll take you to a popular place where the wine (your choice), wit (yours, that is), and conversation (yours again) will flow.  Heíll even pick up the check with a generour flourish (heís seen other men do it).  So why did you have to go and spoil it all by asking if heís going to call you again?

When to Do the Deed
Hold out as long as possibleóitís not like youíll be missing anything.  Stretch it out for a year or two while heís busy deciding whether or not to date you.  In any case, itíll end up being your decision and therefore your fault.

When to Pop the Question
When you want the relationship to end.

If He Dumps You
This means heís met somebody else as heís incapable of ending a relationship without help from a grown-up.  If you try to get him back, itíll just confuse him.  Whether or not he goes or stays, heíll claim you forced him into the decision.  Best to leave well enough alone.

If You Dump Him
Libra will be settled, happily or not, with a new partner before the ink is dry on the Dear [insert-appropriate-standard-boyís-name-here] letter you send him.  You could feel outraged at the speed with which he forget you.  Then again, youíll find it impossible to continue to take him that seriously.




Are you compatible with a Libra Bastard?  Letís see.




Are you compatible with a Libra Bastard

A Libra Bastard is not much more than a large Ken doll with movable limbs.  (Check out this thread: Aculias Takes a Bath and youíll understand. )  Heís only appealing to women still under the age of eight.  Anyone older will see that he is plastic and empty, with a preference for unrealistically proportioned women.  But of course, they wouldnít admit to it.  Thatís degrading.  But poetry makes it all okay.

A quote from RSF in his infamous Tits or Ass thread:
Quote:
Maybe some poetry would help. In that case, I think I'll write a haiku.

Wow, those tits are nice!
They are round and soft yet firm!
But don't forget those cheeks!


Ahem.  And because he is completely shallow, he lacks the depth required to make a decision or a commitment.  So even if you find compatibility in this test, be warned: Libra, like Ken, hasnít the balls () required to make a relationship work.

I bet RSF is kicking himself for cutting off his balls when he was boredÖ

1. You are at a restaurant and you have to decide between the green salad and the lasagna.  Which do you choose to eat?
a. the salad
b. the lasagna
c. both
d. neither

2. My favorite color is:
a. blue
b. red, no, blue, no, redÖ or green
c. I donít know
d. I do know, but it isnít listed here

3. Which of the following traits is most important to you in a partner?
a. the ability to decide which socks to wear with which outfits
b. the ability to use shampoo and conditioner in the right order
c. the ability to use women
d. genitals that are visible to the naked eye

4. To make my partner happy I would consider giving up:
a. smoking
b. drinking
c. eating
d. thinking

5. After five years of marriage, I would expect my husband to:
a. remember our anniversary
b. hire a gorgeous young secretary in a short skirt
c. leave me for his gorgeous young secretary
d. leave his gorgeous young secretary for the receptionist

6. In a secure relationship, I expect my partner to:
a. encourage me
b. encourage me to use wrinkle cream
c. encourage me to improve myself with plastic surgery
d. encourage my eating disorder

7. Which of the following job titles most resembles your own?
a. Miss Venezuela
b. Miss July
c. Dr. Barbie
d. [gorgeous young] secretary [in a short skirt]

8. How old are you?
a. sixteen
b. over twenty-five (but very, very, very beautiful and/or sexy)
c. seventeen
d. none of the above

9. What is your body type?
a. average
b. tall and very thin with big breasts
c. short and very thin with big breasts
d. medium height and very thin with big breasts

10. Answer Yes or No.  Do you possess any of the following?
a. the phone number of a very talented plastic surgeon
b. a lot of time on your hands
c. a desire not to get married in this lifetime
d. your own best selling swimsuit calendar

How to Score
1. a = 3, b = 0, c = -1, d = 4
2. a = 2, b = 3, c = 4, d = 0
3. a = 2, b = 3, c = 4, d = -2
4. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
5. a = -1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
6. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
7. a = 4, b = 3, c = 2, d = 1
8. a = 4, b = 3, c = 2, d = 0
9. a = -1, b = 4, c = 3, d = 2
10. Score 2 points for every Yes answer and 0 points for every No answer.

Score less than 0
You would rather date a lamppost

Score between 0 and 10
Any score over zero means that at some point, youíre likely to sleep with a Libra Bastard and then regret that you did for the rest of your life.

Score between 10 and 20
You have a good chance with a Libra Bastard.  If you play your cards right and are willing to wait a decade or so, you could end up being the woman he settles for once all his other options have fizzled out.  But donít hold your breath.

Score between 20 and 30
Once you are oh-so-happy and completely secure in this relationship, the Libra Bastard will leave you for no apparent reason.  At first you wonít understand it, but sooner or later youíll discover that ďno apparent reasonĒ was a girl at least five years younger than you.

Score more than 30
You are the perfect match for a Libra Bastard,but this in no way guarantees he wonít leave you for someone better looking.
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RedSoxFan3
RedSoxFan3


Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
posted April 06, 2007 02:41 AM

I still don't get this thread. >_>
____________
Go Red Sox!

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted April 06, 2007 07:27 AM

Maybe you hit more facts then you know it iris
____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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The_Gootch
The_Gootch


Honorable
Supreme Hero
Kneel Before Me Sons of HC!!
posted April 06, 2007 05:30 PM

Quote:
Itís a wonder Libra ever ends up in a relationship at all.


You've picked the perfect couple for this next exercise.
____________



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Cabranth
Cabranth


Adventuring Hero
posted April 06, 2007 10:40 PM

Howdy.

Welcome back Iris!  

Got kinda personal in this one, eh?

Good stuff. Keep it up.

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kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted April 11, 2007 01:24 AM

Man that was nearly impossible to take  
My replies:
C,c,a,a,a,a,c,b,a,1.

My score: 8
Score between 0 and 10
Any score over zero means that at some point, youíre likely to sleep with a Libra Bastard and then regret that you did for the rest of your life.

LOL  

____________
uhuh

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