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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign
Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign This thread is 6 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 · «PREV / NEXT»
ruby
ruby


Promising
Known Hero
crazed swede
posted August 24, 2006 04:51 PM

I recieved a score of 13.

1. It is important to me that my partner remembers:
a. my name
b. where he lives
c. that he isn’t supposed to date other women
d. to pick up milk on the way home

2. My partner tells me he’ll be home at 8:00PM, I expect him at:
a. 8:00PM
b. between 11:00PM and 1:00AM
c. after 3:00AM
d. 8:00PM, two days later

3. I send my partner out for a loaf of bread, I expect him to bring home:
a. a load of bread
b. two Hugo Boss suits, four shirts, and a pair of Gucci loaders
c. a police escort
d. a new girlfriend

4. Answer Yes or No. I think it’s important to be able to trust my partner alone with:
a. an attractive woman Yes
b. a credit card Yes
c. small appliances Yes..?
d. matches Yes

5. After several years of marriage, my partner will have:
a. established himself in his chosen profession
b. learnt my parents’ names
c. worn a dress of mine out in public
d. permanently misplaced at least one of our children

6. I would prefer it if my partner’s closest friends were:
a. nice to me
b. people he’s known for longer than a week
c. residents of a well-respected mental institution
d. imaginary, six-foot-tall pink rabbits

7. You notice an attractive stranger across the room. To get his attention you:
a. try to catch his eye, then wait for him to approach you
b. trip him as he walks by
c. set fire to your table
d. walk over and introduce yourself as the Tooth Fairy (I actually think I would)

8. When I read, I like to:
a. sit down
b. read a book review and then pretend I’ve read the book
c. color in the pictures
d. lick the pages to check for traps set by mischievous book elves

9. Which of the following describes your greatest asset in a relationship?
a. I’m incredibly forgiving and forgetful
b. I’m a fully trained psychiatric nurse
c. I’m generally stupid
d. None of the above

10. I admire a man who feels comfortable in:
a. his own skin
b. a committed relationship
c. his birthday suit out in public
d. a straightjacket


Score between 10 and 20
If you want this relationship to last, you have to be prepared to make a few sacrifices, as Gemini tends to lose things. But hopefully, you will learn to live without your life savings, your pets, your children, your faith in humanity, and your sense of humor.

____________
The Darker the Sky--
   The Brighter the Stars-

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted August 24, 2006 06:14 PM

Quote:
Quote:
No lady scored less than ZERO

That's a prosmising start....
We've definitely got some magic

You Geminis want to know my real answers?  
____________

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russ
russ


Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
posted August 24, 2006 06:53 PM
Edited by russ at 18:53, 24 Aug 2006.

Quote:
You Geminis want to know my real answers?  
You've had your chance, it is too late now.

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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted August 31, 2006 03:03 PM

wich is next?
hurry up to scorpio lol
____________

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Cabranth
Cabranth


Adventuring Hero
posted September 01, 2006 02:49 AM

Hello.

I agree with Gandalfs_Girl, I'm intrigued to see what comic perceptions/misconceptions are in store for Scorpios.

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted September 02, 2006 09:30 PM
Edited by Iris at 21:48, 02 Sep 2006.

All right, Cancer Bastards, you ready?  

Spotlight on:

Gom_Jabbar:
GuitarGuy:
LegendMaker:
Lich_King:
William:


The Cancer Bastard
Dear Mommy,

I hope you are well.  I am doing fine but wishing you were here.  A weekend away seems such a long time.  Have just met a girl who I think could be the one.  Like you, she is really pretty and really nice.  I am sure the two of you will get on like a house on fire.

Your ever devoted son,
Cancer


You are the house.  She is the fire.  And guess which one of you ends up worst for wear?

To be fair, though, every mother openly loves her son and therefore secretly resents his girlfriend.  In return, every son secretly loves his mother and openly resent his girlfriend.  But any boy should have the decency to look visibly embarrassed when Mommy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky.  When he’s thirty-eight.

However, we’re not talking about a grown man here, are we?  We’re talking about Cancer.  So if you’ve fallen for one, best of luck.  The Cancer Bastard’s relationship with his mother is the keystone to his existence.  Either Cancer dotes on Mom to death and no other woman can come betwixt, or else he hates her guts and therefore detests that 51% of the population capable of bearing children.

Unfortunately for you, he’s more likely to lean toward the former and be trotting over to mom’s coven on a regular basis (if not then it's probably because he is still living with her), affording her the opportunity to watch every wrong move you make.  And let’s make it clear right now: You won’t be good enough for her son.  Which she will tell him.  And then tell him to tell you.  This is often why Cancer will put off introductions between the two of you for as long as possible, and it is the only aspect to be applauded and, indeed, encouraged.

To your face, Cancer’s Mom will be as sweet as pie, but don’t be fooled.  She’ll generously load your plate with kilos of kilojoules until you end up twice or maybe even triple your size.  Then, after you politely refuse a second helping, she’ll kindly inquire after your eating disorder.

She’ll subliminally click her tongue when you let your Cancer Bastard get up to wash his own bowl and spoon.  It goes without saying she’ll be silently apoplectic when you pass him your plate to wash also.  When she can bring herself to speak again, she will innocently ask you why women of today can never seem to hold on to their men.

As things are now beginning to get a bit strained between you and her, Cancer will pull one of this infamous panic attacks.  This translates into a very mild fever, the faintest hint of the tremors, a few tears for dramatic effect, and an inability to finish whatever he’s doing at the time.

When mommy is not around, Cancer Bastards band together.  As we at HC have all witnessed when our poor, sweet little William is being bullied, who would come to his rescue but LegendMaker, GuitarGuy, and Gom_Jabbar?  And from this observation, we can easily conclude that RedSoxFan3 is our real Cancer Mod, and that crown wearing Lich_King is but an Aries in disguise.

How to Spot One
The grown man with the attributes of a child is invariably Cancer.  If he’s also wearing a diaper, back off—he’s either too young for you or too old.

Where to Find One
In a bookstore asking for directions to the self-help section or out drinking with the big boys just to prove he is one of them.  (However, one alcoholic beverage too many [one] and he’ll be whining about how hard it ish to find a woman who can live up to hish mother’sh high expectashuns.)

How to Intrigue One
Tell him you like his mom.  Tell him you like him.  Or be honest, straightforward, and positive and tell both of them to go poof.

The First Date
He’ll invite you over to dinner and cook for you because it’s cheaper than going out.  If he invites you to his mom’s place, it’ll be because he still lives there.

When to Do the Deed
When he’s declared his undying love.  Which he will.  Very quickly.  But don’t be surprised when he takes his words back again the next morning—particularly after Mom bangs on the bedroom door and asks if he’s all right because she heard him moaning and groaning through the night and thought he might have an upset tummy.

When to Pop the Question
When you have decided to become his surrogate mother.  That is the only way you’ll get his attention.

If He Dumps You
Don’t worry, it won’t last.  Cancer Bastards don’t like being alone.  He’s bound to come crawling back.

If You Dump Him
He’ll run bawling to Mommy and she’ll make him demand back all the presents he bought you that you clearly did not deserve.



And once again, here’s the compatibility test.



Are you compatible with a Cancer Bastard?
It actually doesn’t matter whether you’re compatible with a Cancer Bastard.  Getting along with him isn’t half as important as getting along with the woman reared him.  After all, she’s the one responsible for making him the fine figure of a man that he is definitely not today.  She’s the one he’d invariably thank during acceptance speeches for bravery awards he’ll never win.

1. My definition of a mama’s boy is:
a. a fully grown man who is kind to his mother
b. a fully grown man who still sleeps with his mother
c. a fully grown man who can’t have a healthy relationship with any woman thanks to his mother
d. probably gay

2. Choose the statement that best describes your maternal instinct:
a. I occasionally smile at babies in other people’s strollers.
b. I always smile at babies in other people’s strollers.
c. I am currently considering stealing babies from other people’s strollers.
d. I hate babies of any kind.

3. When it comes to a relationship with a fully grown man, choose the three words that best describe you:
a. caring, nurturing, compassionate
b. stoic, patient, long-suffering
c. smothering, overbearing, controlling
d. a heartless *****

4. For me, looking after a fully grown man would include:
a. feeding him
b. bathing him
c. wet-nursing him
d. none of the above

5. I believe a fully grown man should at least be capable of:
a. tying his own shoelaces
b. knotting his own tie
c. gurgling
d. buying me a drink

6. For me, a generous gesture from a fully grown man would be:
a. expensive jewelry
b. expensive vacations
c. expensive lingerie
d. an occasional smile

7. When arguing with a fully grown man about his stinginess with money, I would prefer that he:
a. hurled himself to the floor
b. screamed at the top of his lungs
c. held his breath until he turned blue
d. Do c if I could be sure the ambulance couldn’t make it on time

8. When a fully grown man starts crying after I’ve accidentally shrunk his baby blanket in the laundry, I immediately:
a. shudder with embarrassment
b. feel a bit guilty
c. start blubbering too
d. tell him to grow up

9. Answer True or False to each of the following statements:
a. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner’s mother never approved of a single thing I did.
b. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner’s mother still gave him pocket money.
c. It wouldn’t bother me if my son continued to live with me after the age of thirty.
d. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner’s mother demanded to live with us.

10. Fifty years from now, I would likely to be:
a. shacked up with my partner in the main house while my partner’s mother remained living in the granny flat
b. shacked up in the granny flat while my partner remained living in the main house with his mother
c. shacked up in the main house with my son
d. a widow


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 4, b = 2, c = 1, d = 0
2. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
3. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
4. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
5. a = 0, b = 0, c = 4, d = -10
6. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
7. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
8. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
9. Score 4 points for every True.  Score 0 points for every False.
10. a = 2, b = 1, c = 4, d = 0

Score less than 0
Forget it.  Babies—big or otherwise—are about as appealing to you as a case of crabs.  And guess which star sign as one of those as its symbol?

Score between 0 and 10
Don’t even go there.  You like men who can stand on their own two feet without the aid of crutches or their mothers.

Score between 10 and 20
Yes, you may have the maternal skills necessary to survive with a Cancer.  But ask yourself this—is it worth all the sleepless nights?  Can you be bothered with all the tears and the tantrums?  Do you mind feeling constantly frazzled and woefully inadequate?  And that’s just the grief you’ll get from his mother.

Score between 20 and 30
You’re more than capable of treating a man like a baby.  So why not just have a real one instead?

Score more than 30
Now that we’re for one minute implying that there is anything amiss with these results, but are you, by any chance, a mother?  And does your adult son happen to be a Cancer?
____________

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kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted September 02, 2006 10:43 PM

Answers: c,b,a,a,a,b,a,b,1,a.

Score 20

Score between 20 and 30
You’re more than capable of treating a man like a baby. So why not just have a real one instead?

I am married to one  Maybe some of my responses would have been different 6 years ago  heehee

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Gom_Jabbar
Gom_Jabbar


Promising
Famous Hero
Revealer of Truth
posted September 02, 2006 11:35 PM

Hahahahaha

So mom Iris... do you still think we're compatible?

____________

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted September 02, 2006 11:44 PM
Edited by Iris at 23:45, 02 Sep 2006.

Quote:
So mom Iris... do you still think we're compatible?

 Well, let's see.

1. My definition of a mama’s boy is:
a. a fully grown man who is kind to his mother
b. a fully grown man who still sleeps with his mother
c. a fully grown man who can’t have a healthy relationship with any woman thanks to his mother
d. probably gay

2. Choose the statement that best describes your maternal instinct:
a. I occasionally smile at babies in other people’s strollers.
b. I always smile at babies in other people’s strollers.
c. I am currently considering stealing babies from other people’s strollers.
d. I hate babies of any kind.

3. When it comes to a relationship with a fully grown man, choose the three words that best describe you:
a. caring, nurturing, compassionate
b. stoic, patient, long-suffering
c. smothering, overbearing, controlling
d. a heartless *****

4. For me, looking after a fully grown man would include:
a. feeding him
b. bathing him
c. wet-nursing him
d. none of the above

5. I believe a fully grown man should at least be capable of:
a. tying his own shoelaces
b. knotting his own tie
c. gurgling
d. buying me a drink

6. For me, a generous gesture from a fully grown man would be:
a. expensive jewelry
b. expensive vacations
c. expensive lingerie
d. an occasional smile

7. When arguing with a fully grown man about his stinginess with money, I would prefer that he:
a. hurled himself to the floor
b. screamed at the top of his lungs
c. held his breath until he turned blue
d. Do c if I could be sure the ambulance couldn’t make it on time

8. When a fully grown man starts crying after I’ve accidentally shrunk his baby blanket in the laundry, I immediately:
a. shudder with embarrassment
b. feel a bit guilty
c. start blubbering too
d. tell him to grow up

9. Answer True or False to each of the following statements:
a. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner’s mother never approved of a single thing I did. - False
b. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner’s mother still gave him pocket money. - False
c. It wouldn’t bother me if my son continued to live with me after the age of thirty. -False
d. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner’s mother demanded to live with us. - False

10. Fifty years from now, I would likely to be:
a. shacked up with my partner in the main house while my partner’s mother remained living in the granny flat
b. shacked up in the granny flat while my partner remained living in the main house with his mother
c. shacked up in the main house with my son
d. a widow


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 4, b = 2, c = 1, d = 0
2. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
3. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
4. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
5. a = 0, b = 0, c = 4, d = -10
6. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
7. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
8. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
9. Score 4 points for every True.  Score 0 points for every False. - 0
10. a = 2, b = 1, c = 4, d = 0

Total Score: 18


Score between 10 and 20
Yes, you may have the maternal skills necessary to survive with a Cancer.  But ask yourself this—is it worth all the sleepless nights?  Can you be bothered with all the tears and the tantrums?  Do you mind feeling constantly frazzled and woefully inadequate?  And that’s just the grief you’ll get from his mother.


This is as good as I'm gonna get.  
____________

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted September 02, 2006 11:48 PM

Seems the Cancers are loved from most .
It looks like we dont need to see the others.
We know the answer.
The women on here likes the mamas boys
____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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antipaladin
antipaladin


Promising
Legendary Hero
of Ooohs and Aaahs
posted September 03, 2006 06:18 AM

why arent i on the list,im gona ask my mom to shoot you
Mama boy? beh..well atleast we dont have hairy back like ape err i mean Aries
We dont have an ego in size of a room,and where thikning twice before good desicings and basicly like to "consult" with our perental supervision,lol.

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted September 04, 2006 01:47 AM

Quote:
why arent i on the list

Because:
Quote:
Okay, Cancers!  All of you who want to be abused, make sure you let me know somehow so I don’t miss you.  


____________

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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted September 06, 2006 07:10 PM


1. My definition of a mama’s boy is:
a. a fully grown man who is kind to his mother
b. a fully grown man who still sleeps with his mother
c. a fully grown man who can’t have a healthy relationship with any woman thanks to his mother
d. probably gay

2. Choose the statement that best describes your maternal instinct:
a. I occasionally smile at babies in other people’s strollers.
b. I always smile at babies in other people’s strollers.
c. I am currently considering stealing babies from other people’s strollers.
d. I hate babies of any kind.

3. When it comes to a relationship with a fully grown man, choose the three words that best describe you:
a. caring, nurturing, compassionate
b. stoic, patient, long-suffering
c. smothering, overbearing, controlling
d. a heartless *****

4. For me, looking after a fully grown man would include:
a. feeding him
b. bathing him
c. wet-nursing him
d. none of the above

5. I believe a fully grown man should at least be capable of:
a. tying his own shoelaces
b. knotting his own tie
c. gurgling
d. buying me a drink

6. For me, a generous gesture from a fully grown man would be:
a. expensive jewelry
b. expensive vacations
c. expensive lingerie
d. an occasional smile

7. When arguing with a fully grown man about his stinginess with money, I would prefer that he:
a. hurled himself to the floor
b. screamed at the top of his lungs
c. held his breath until he turned blue
d. Do c if I could be sure the ambulance couldn’t make it on time

8. When a fully grown man starts crying after I’ve accidentally shrunk his baby blanket in the laundry, I immediately:
a. shudder with embarrassment
b. feel a bit guilty
c. start blubbering too
d. tell him to grow up

9. Answer True or False to each of the following statements:
a. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner’s mother never approved of a single thing I did.  [false]
b. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner’s mother still gave him pocket money.  [false]
c. It wouldn’t bother me if my son continued to live with me after the age of thirty.  [false]
d. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner’s mother demanded to live with us.  [false]

10. Fifty years from now, I would likely to be:
a. shacked up with my partner in the main house while my partner’s mother remained living in the granny flat
b. shacked up in the granny flat while my partner remained living in the main house with his mother
c. shacked up in the main house with my son
d. a widow


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 4, b = 2, c = 1, d = 0
2. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
3. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
4. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
5. a = 0, b = 0, c = 4, d = -10
6. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
7. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
8. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = 0
9. Score 4 points for every True. Score 0 points for every False.
10. a = 2, b = 1, c = 4, d = 0

Score = 8

Score less than 0
Forget it. Babies—big or otherwise—are about as appealing to you as a case of crabs. And guess which star sign as one of those as its symbol?

Score between 0 and 10
Don’t even go there. You like men who can stand on their own two feet without the aid of crutches or their mothers.


Score between 10 and 20
Yes, you may have the maternal skills necessary to survive with a Cancer. But ask yourself this—is it worth all the sleepless nights? Can you be bothered with all the tears and the tantrums? Do you mind feeling constantly frazzled and woefully inadequate? And that’s just the grief you’ll get from his mother.

Score between 20 and 30
You’re more than capable of treating a man like a baby. So why not just have a real one instead?

Score more than 30
Now that we’re for one minute implying that there is anything amiss with these results, but are you, by any chance, a mother? And does your adult son happen to be a Cancer?
____________

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russ
russ


Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
posted September 06, 2006 07:37 PM

Hmm... I am not a Cancer, but I happen to be living with my mom, does that mean you all still love me?

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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted September 08, 2006 04:21 PM

hmmm was just thinking.  it seems stupid that its the mum, hu is of any sign, that is always the same with cancerian guys, shudnt it be that cancerian women smother their boys and not the other way round?
[if that makes sense]

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Aculias
Aculias


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
posted September 08, 2006 05:15 PM

Of course people like Lich_King needs a mother figure .
Even if it's a GF or whats not .

____________
Dreaming of a Better World

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted September 10, 2006 08:23 AM
Edited by Iris at 08:32, 10 Sep 2006.

Here we go, Leos!  

Spotlight on:

Our talented singer, Leo_Lion:

And a very brave volunteer, Ratmonky:


Here is a play that Leo Bastards like to share with their friends, family, girlfriends, and strangers.


The Loves of Leo
Written by Leo.  Produced by Leo.  Directed by Leo.  Starring Leo.

Cast of Characters
Leo: The unbelievably dashing, irresistible, courage—not to mention incredibly handsome—hero of the play, around whom all the action revolves.  Played by himself.
Beautiful Heroine: Minor though important supporting role.  Played by you.
Beautiful Heroine’s More Beautiful Rival: This is the role every other woman on earth is vying for.  The purpose of this character is to make the heroine realize what she is up against and to make her suitably grateful when Leo finally chooses her.  Played by Eva Longoria or Angelina Jolie.
Much Less Exciting Man: This role is really just that of an extra—a clever plot device to point out how inferior all other men are to Leo.  Naturally, there is no change of the heroine or any other woman in the world preferring this lesser man to Leo.  Played by Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.
Beautiful Maid: Again, another minor though important supporting role.  Also played by you.
Very Appreciative Audience: Played by you and all the other women in the world.


Act One

Scene: The tastefully and delightfully appointed living room of Leo’s house.  Beautiful Heroine, Beautiful Heroine’s More Beautiful Rival, and Much Less Exciting Man are all present and seated.  (Very Appreciative Audience is also present but not visible.)  There is an air of melancholy about the three as they are all desperately missing the sparkling presence of their charming host who has momentarily left the room.  After a couple of suspense-filled minutes, the drawing room doors are flung open with a flourish and Leo enters, causing the whole room to look brighter as a result of his charming, sparkling presence.

Leo: [looking around] Hello, everybody.  Who so glum?  Have you been missing the charming, sparkling presence of your charming host? [Very Appreciative Audience bursts into wild applause, making it impossible for the play to continue for about five minutes.]

Leo: [staring to speak amid the subsiding applause, longing sighs, and occasional fainting of a member of Very Appreciative Audience—showing all the world he is not the egotist he is wrongfully reported to be]  Well? [Once again, Leo shows why he is regarded as the savior of the lost art of conversation.]

Beautiful Heroine and Beautiful Heroine’s More Beautiful Rival: [in unison while gazing adoringly at Leo—as one does] Yes, we missed you terribly.  Life is not the same without you.

Leo: [brushing off his blatant but understandable adoration]  How about a drink then?  [the spotting Beautiful Heroine]  Get us all a drink will you, love?  [Beautiful Heroine/Maid scurries off to do as she has been asked, gratefully to be of use to her—and everybody else’s—hero]

Much Less Exciting Man:  [opens his mouth to say something]  Um… [He realizes just in time he can never say anything to compare to the witty, intelligent conversation of Leo and politely leaves the room in recognition of the other man’s natural superiority.]

Leo: Rather flighty chap, isn’t he?  [Allowing us another glimpse of the true understanding of human nature present in this exceptional man.  Indeed, it causes much murmuring in Very Appreciative Audience.  At this point, Beautiful Heroine returns to the room with drinks for everyone.  Neither she nor Beautiful Heroine’s More Beautiful Rival even notices Much Less Exciting Man has left.  It is difficult for them to notice anyone else when Leo is in the room.]

Leo: [taking a drink and a handful of delicate, mouth-watering pastries Beautiful Heroine whipped up while she was fetching the drinks]  Hey, these are good.

[Very Appreciative Audience spontaneously bursts into thunderous cheering at this heartfelt compliment to Beautiful Heroine because it indicates Leo knows women like it when you say nice stuff to them and also shows he is not swayed by mere physical beauty.  After all, Beautiful Heroine’s More Beautiful rival is better looking but Leo never said anything to her.]

Leo: [playing to the audience]  Yes.  [Nods, causing himself to look even more thoughtful and handsome]  Very good indeed.

[Very Appreciative Audience erupts once more and Beautiful Heroine’s More Beautiful Rival dashes off to the kitchen in an attempt to gain Leo’s attention.]

Leo: [to Beautiful Heroine, demonstrating his awesome powers of observation]  It looks like we’re alone.

Curtain

[Very Appreciative Audience leaps to its collective feet to give a two-hour standing ovation to the genius responsible for the play.]

So in a nutshell, the world revolves around Leos.  And if you are to date one, be ready to become his maid as well.  Let’s see if our HC Leo Bastards agree.

Leo_Lion says here:
Quote:
it was easy to find my most prized possession, as what I found was neither an idea, an opinion, nor a concept...it was ME!
 That’s an affirmative.

Ratmonky says here:
Quote:
can't cook: keep, I'll cook, she'll do everything else
Oohh, we have a generous one!  He won’t let her do all the work.  He’ll even cook!  Ladies, don’t pass this one up.

How to Spot One
His entrance will always be preceded by drum roll.  Of course, if you miss his entrance, you’ll find him already stragically positioned under a spotlight.  You can’t miss him there—not with the two game show hostess on either side of him poiting him out.  You might also notice The Hand of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: Women of the World, My Gift to You.  Regards, God.  P.S.  Those of You Who Don’t Believe in Me Can Also Have Him.

Where to Find One
Anywhere there is an audience of at least one.

How to Intrigue One
Look up at him in awe and wonder, and say ingenuously, “My, what a big, strong man you are,” or “Gee, I wish I were as smart/witty/brave as you,” or “Are you a famous movie star?”  Or just wear a full length mirror around your neck and don’t say anything at all.

The First Date
The first date will be quite enjoyable.  You won’t have heard all his stories about himself so you’ll find them quite entertaining.  They’re even bearable when you hear them for the second time on your second date.

When to Do the Deed
On the third date.  You need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again, and sex will shut him up nicely.  Of course, earplugs or refusing to see him anymore would have the same effect, but we’re working under the same assumption he is—that, in the course of two dates, you will have fallen madly in love with him and now find it impossible to live without him.

When to Pop the Question
He’ll decide when you want to get married.  Just be ready to answer with a breathless “Yes, of course” when he lets you know where and when the wedding’s taking place.  Then pretend your tears are tears of joy when he shows you the lace monstrosity you’ll be wearing.  And appear to be suitably grateful when he informs you that you’re allowed to choose one bridesmaid to go with the six he’s already selected.

If He Dumps You
Did you dare to leave your much-sought-after position at his feet being adoring in order to go to work?  Did you exchange entire sentences with another man (never mind that he was your brother-in-law)?  Did you have a point of view other than his?  Or did you laugh at him when he wasn’t being intentionally funny?  Well, that’s no surprise then.  You had it coming to you.

If You Dump Him
That you’d want to do this is completely beyond the realm of possibility.






And the compatibility test.  Ready?





Are you compatible with a Leo Bastard?
As king of the zodiac—if not the world—the Leo bastard is a hard act to follow, not to mention a complete bloody nightmare to date.  Indeed, as he will tell you himself, this section really should have been entitled “Are you good enough for a Leo Bastard?”

1. My ideal man would be:
a. attractive
b. intelligent
c. good in bed
d. one who thinks he is all of the above

2. The thing I find most repellent in a man is:
a. humility
b. modesty
c. selflessness
d. none of the above

3. Before I die, I would like to:
a. travel the world
b. discover the meaning of life
c. find a cure for cancer
d. date a man who can’t fit this through the door

4. The thought of having to constantly flatter a man makes me want to:
a. laugh
b. heave
c. kill myself
d. shudder with ecstatic delight

5. If I were to compliment a man, it would be along the lines of:
a. “You make Jude Law look like a complete troll.”
b. “Without you, I am nothing.”
c. “You are the Messiah.”
d. “That’s a nice shirt”

6. I would only worship at the alter of a man if:
a. his name was Jesus
b. he paid me a fortune
c. I had just had a frontal lobotomy
d. he told me to

7. My definition of a dutiful wife is a woman who:
a. has given up all hope
b. is a disgrace to the sisterhood
c. knows her place
d. has a domineering husband

8. I would only consider having a child with a man if:
a. the child was guaranteed to inherit his brains
b. the child was guaranteed to inherit his personality
c. the child was guaranteed to inherit his looks
d. we could adopt

9. Currently I would rate myself-worth to be:
a. so high I never wear makeup
b. about average
c. low enough to make me consider having cosmetic surgery
d. so low I generally wear a paper bag over my head

10. Whenever I attend a large social gathering, I tend to:
a. be the life of the party
b. attract admirers
c. mingle easily
d. get mistaken for a houseplant


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
2. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
3. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4
4. a = 0, b = 0, c = -1, d = 4
5. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = 0
6. a = 0, b = 2, c = 1, d = 4
7. a = 0, b = 0, c = 4, d = 0
8. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
9. a = -1, b = 0, c = 1, d = 4
10. a = 0, b = 0, c = 0, d = 4

Score less than 0
Sorry.  You don’t stand a chance with Leo Bastards.  You’re far too smart, too confident, too assertive, and—worse still—too attractive to be compatible.  After all, if there’s one thing Leos hate more than anything else in this world, it’s competition.  Especially from you.

Score between 0 and 10
Again, you think a little too highly of yourself to be a suitable partner for a Leo Bastard.  He likes a woman who is self-effacing, self-deprecating, and above all, extremely grateful for the fact that he doesn’t mind being seen in public with her.  Indeed, if you want to appear an attractive proposition, you’re going to have to take some pretty drastic measures.  So, to affect the appropriate degree of low self-esteem, how about having an industrial accident?

Score between 10 and 20
You certainly have the wavering confidence and the faltering opinions needed to appear remotely enticing to Leo.  Simply up the ante on vapid or insipid behavior and you’re sure to catch his eye.  For instance, try to dress down even more than you normally do—he won’t feel as threatened once you really look like something the cat’s dragged in.

Score between 20 and 30
You and the Leo Bastard are a match made in heaven.  He’s bright, charismatic, dynamic, personable, and… well… you’re not.

Score more than 30
Are you sure you’re not a houseplant?
____________

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kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted September 10, 2006 08:44 AM

Wow I scored higher than I expected

My responses: b,d,b,a,a,b,c,a,b,c

Score: 11
Quote:
Score between 0 and 10
Again, you think a little too highly of yourself to be a suitable partner for a Leo Bastard. He likes a woman who is self-effacing, self-deprecating, and above all, extremely grateful for the fact that he doesn’t mind being seen in public with her. Indeed, if you want to appear an attractive proposition, you’re going to have to take some pretty drastic measures. So, to affect the appropriate degree of low self-esteem, how about having an industrial accident?

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ratmonky
ratmonky


Famous Hero
Abu Hur Ibn Rashka
posted September 10, 2006 06:13 PM

LOL!!! Iris, great job!

I decided to take the quiz myself, and guess how much i scored? - 22!!!

So i'm really the egotist self-centered Leo you described!
____________
Dies illa, dies irae,
Calamitatis et miseriae.
Requiem aeternum
Dona eis, dona eis Domine.

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Leo_Lion
Leo_Lion


Honorable
Supreme Hero
The 5th Element & 6th Sense!
posted September 11, 2006 06:34 AM

Amazing stuff Iris! I especially like how you dug up my quote...I never thought about how much of a Leo I truly am, until I read my own quote from the perspective of this Thread!

Many of the things said about Leos in Iris' Post are true, however, I'm not sure about preferring women who aren't as smart, sexy, fun, and perfect as I am...after all, a Leo only deserves the best!
____________
*The end to no beginning...



*Take care, Leo

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