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Heroes Community > Tavern of the Rising Sun > Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign
Thread: How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign This thread is 6 pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 · «PREV / NEXT»
kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted August 07, 2006 09:22 AM

I am a Taurean too

My answers:

d,b,b,d,b,d,d,b,d,b.

My Score:

10 exactly

Key
Score between 0 and 10
Sadly for him, you are far too able of body, sound of mind, and high of spirit to be truly compatible with a domineering type like Taurus. We strongly suspect you also have a secret aversion to men who are fat and lazy.
Score between 10 and 20
Not a bad match. Indeed, you might just be the kind of girl to get along with a Taurus Bastardóthough we use the expression get along with rather loosely here as Taurus would be hard-pressed to co-exist with the Dalai Lama, let alone an occasionally fractious female.

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Consis
Consis


Honorable
Legendary Hero
Of Ruby
posted August 07, 2006 03:09 PM

LoL

Okay okay you got me . . . it's true that I have no private parts. I simply choose which one I want for the day and I snap it on in accordance with corresponding to my mood. My secret is out.

p.s. I also have both sets of underpants (but the gnomes don't seem to mind at all)
____________
Roses Are RedAnd So Am I

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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted August 08, 2006 02:39 PM

i scored -4 haha

Score less than 0
Well, a milksop you most certainly are not. And as far as scare tactics go, youíre having none of it unless, of course, youíre the one barking the orders, threatening merry hell and scaring the crap out of men. Truth be told, youíve probably got more chance of mating with a eunuch than you have with a Taurus male.

____________

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angelito
angelito


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
proud father of a princess
posted August 08, 2006 03:02 PM

Quote:
...youíve probably got more chance of mating with a eunuch than you have with a Taurus male.

That made me laugh like hell....hahahaha
____________
Better judged by 12 than carried by 6.

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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted August 08, 2006 11:21 PM

lets see if ur still laughin wen we do gemini mr angel! lol
____________

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted August 10, 2006 04:05 PM
Edited by Iris at 16:06, 10 Aug 2006.

Hehehe, Gemini coming soon.  


And here are my answers.  

1. Do you have a mind of your own?
a. Yes.  In fact, I canít believe youíre asking me this question.
b. Er, I think so.
c. Iím not sureólet me check with my partner.
d. BAAH!!

2. Choose the gender stereotype that best applies to you:
a. typically hysterical and neurotic female
b. typically weak and helpless female
c. typically impractical and illogical female
d. ball-freaking *****

3. Choose any of the following tasks you can do without help from a man:
a. change my underwear
b. change a lightbulb

c. change a flat tire
d. change my life

4. I would deem a man too controlling if he refuses to let me:
a. hold the TV remote
b. drive his car
c. pay for drinks
d. out of the cellar

5. When it comes to power struggles, I prefer to:
a. encourage them as often as possible
b. not encourage them at all
c. be the first to surrender
d. fight to the death

6. So far as men in uniforms go (!!!!!!!!!), I prefer:
a. storm troopers
b. army sergeants
c. naval officers
d. airline stewards

7. The man I most admire in the entire history of the world is:
a. Adolf Hitler
b. Saddam Hussein
c. Genghis Khan
d. Mahatma Gandhi

8. When a guy is described as a man of huge appetites, you would naturally assume:
a. he is powerful and exciting
b. he is insatiable in bed
c. he embraces life with gusto
d. he is fat

9. If a man said he preferred you to take charge in bed, you would think him a:
a. gentleman
b. pervert
c. liar
d. lazy ****

10. If you see a man barking orders from the couch in front of the TV, you would instinctively hand him:
a. the TV guide
b. a beer
c. a dinner
d. a vacuum cleaner


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = -1, b = 1, c = 2, d = 4
2. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = -4
3. Score 0 points for choosing a, b, and/or c.  Score -10 for d. -10
4. a = 2, b = 1, c = -1, d = 4
5. a = 2, b = 0, c = 4, d = -4
6. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = -4
7. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = 0
8. a = 4, b = 4, c = 4, d = -4
9. a = 4, b = 0, c = 0, d = -4
10. a = 1, b = 2, c = 4, d = -1


Final score: -13    Oh dear...


Score less than 0
Well, a milksop you most certainly are not.  And as far as scare tactics go, youíre having none of it unless, of course, youíre the one barking the orders, threatening merry hell and scaring the crap out of men.  Truth be told, youíve probably got more chance of mating with a eunuch than you have with a Taurus male.
____________

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JoonasTo
JoonasTo


Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
posted August 10, 2006 04:58 PM

Looks like I missed my analyze(Aries) ...




...maybe i just got lucky
____________
DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.

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angelito
angelito


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
proud father of a princess
posted August 10, 2006 06:26 PM

Quote:
lets see if ur still laughin wen we do gemini mr angel! lol

Uhhh...errr....hmmmm.....can we just jump to cancer instead?
____________
Better judged by 12 than carried by 6.

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russ
russ


Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
posted August 10, 2006 07:38 PM

Quote:
Uhhh...errr....hmmmm.....can we just jump to cancer instead?
Well, it can't be THAT bad for us, can it? I mean: we've already seen an EXTREME macho and the extreme opposite... so just how bad can it be for us?

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kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted August 10, 2006 07:49 PM

Twins  Both of the above

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Cabranth
Cabranth


Adventuring Hero
posted August 10, 2006 08:06 PM

Hello.

Iris, Question & Answer #4: "I would deem a man too controlling if he refuses to let me pay for drinks."

Wow! Where have you and every other woman like you been hiding?

Say you hate pastels and I'll have to fall T.M.D. for you.

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted August 15, 2006 12:19 PM
Edited by Iris at 18:05, 15 Aug 2006.

Okay, Geiminis, itís your turn.    After 4 years of dealing with your kind, I think Iím pretty well acquainted with your habits and know what to expect.  Letís see if we have this right.  

Letís first meet the Gemini Bastards!  (Yay, first time I get to do a two mods.  )

Russ:
Angelito:
Shadowcaster:
Dragon_Slayer:

The Gemini Bastard
Relationships just donít hold much appeal for a Gemini Bastard.  The hours are terribly inconvenient.  Intimacy is stifling.  Monogamy sucks.  Rules are stupid.  And as for the thought of spending time alone with youóthatís absolutely terrifying.  See, you could get too close.  Then youíd want to know whatís deep down inside of him.  And heís afraid to show you because heís not quite sure whatís down there himself.

But thereís a good reason for his behavior.  All Gemini Bastards suffer from multiple/split personality disorder, and each personality living inside him qualifies as a bastard in his own right.

Letís meet these mini Gemini Bastards (the Geminites), shall we?  First, we have Geminite #1, but for convenienceís sake, letís call him Russ.  Russ gets to go first because he has the earliest bedtime.  Heís eternally four years old, is completely incapable of taking care of himself, and alternates between being an energetic little goofball and the pouty brat from hell.  Spending time with him is like any normal four-year-old play session; it ends in tears.  Your tears.  Of sheer frustration.

Next up, we have Geminite #2, whom we shall refer to from this point on as Angelito.  Heís the crafty salesman.  A very, very good one.  Heís the reason youíre in a relationship with a Gemini Bastard.  Angelito says all the right things at all the right times and is wonderfully good at selling things nobody wantsóhimself and his other Geminite brothers.  But over time, as you discover more and more of those small hidden lines in the contract with all the undesirable things that come with your Gemini Bastard, this one will be the first to point out that itís your fault for not reading closely enough.

Then thereís the compelling story teller, Geminite #3, Shadowcaster.  When you confront your Gemini and tell him you donít believe that he (sob) truly cares about you, Shadowcaster jumps in with something along the lines of, ďBut Michelle, the idea of life without you is inconceivable to me.  You are my reason for living, the most important person in my world,Ē etc. etc.  Heíll seem so sincere and convincing that youíll believe him, even though your name is Jennifer.

Oh, and have you meet Dragon_Slayer, Geminite #4?  Youíll just love DS.  He works the room for a living.  Heís the life and soul of a double-vodka-martini cocktail party.  Heís intensely interested in people other than you.  For up to five minutes at a time.  If he seems superficial, thatís only because he is.  The ďother peopleĒ adore DS and invite him everywhere, encouraging him to be even more annoying.

Russ, Angelito, Shadowcaster, and DS all interact, encouraging each another to misbehave, whipping one another into mad frenzies, and appearing in random order to torment you.

Because Gemini lives amidst this turmoil, he will continually change his ideas and opinions.  What he says today wonít mean anything tomorrow and it probably didnít mean much today either.  So if Gemini plans to go to the movies with you a week ahead of time and actually follows through, see it as a long-term commitment and send out the wedding invitations.

How to Spot One
Gemini is particularly hard to spot.  Heíll be standing in front of you, talking at you in one instant and heíll be a blur in the distance the next.  This is a real problem if you want to shoot him.

Where to Find One
On television talk shows, on psychiatristsí couches, on the phone to recorded message services or at a McDonaldís drive-through having an interesting conversation without making an emotional commitment.

How to Intrigue One
Donít require sympathy.  Or consistency.  Or fidelity.  Or company.  Donít ask where heís going.  Or when he might be coming back.  Or if heís coming back.  And donít ever ask anything more emotionally demanding than ďHow are you?Ē or ďWhere did you get your shoes?Ē

The First Date
Enjoy it.  He will actually pay attention to you, as he isnít bored with you yet.

When to Do the Deed
As soon as possible.  How often do you get the chance to indulge in group sex?  All of the Geminites take part in sex.  This means he doesnít have to have an emotional obligation to you as youíre technically sleeping with other people.

When to Pop the Question
At times, youíll see that, not so deep down, Gemini is truly committed to you.  Like when he manages (without the help of cue cards) to remember the names of your three children.  This is as good a time as any to bring up marriage.  Holding out until he manages to put the right name to the right child is asking far too much.

If He Dumps You
It doesnít mean he doesnít like you anymore.  Heís just forgotten you, thatís all.  If you really miss him, engineer a chance meeting.  Youíll pique his interest as heíll find you vaguely familiar, reminding him of someoneÖ hmmÖ whom he canít quite place.  Then you can start dating him all over again.

If You Dump Him
Gemini will suddenly discover he definitely does have feelings for you.  Feelings you have hurt.  Terribly.  Irrevocably.  His heart is shattered.  His soul destroyed.  His life meaningless.  How could you do this to him, youÖ youÖ what was your name again?



Hereís the compatibility test.  You ready?  This is a good one!  



Are you compatible with a Gemini Bastard?
Gemini Bastards are completely and utterly nuts.  They are incapable of holding a thought in their heads for more than a few seconds but can carry on a conversation with an inanimate object for hours.  Yet for some unfathomable reason, they are allowed to wander freely in society and go on dates with women.  So if youíve always fancied the village idiot, take this test to see how youíll get along with him.

1. It is important to me that my partner remembers:
a. my name
b. where he lives
c. that he isnít supposed to date other women
d. to pick up milk on the way home

2. My partner tells me heíll be home at 8:00PM, I expect him at:
a. 8:00PM
b. between 11:00PM and 1:00AM
c. after 3:00AM
d. 8:00PM, two days later

3. I send my partner out for a loaf of bread, I expect him to bring home:
a. a load of bread
b. two Hugo Boss suits, four shirts, and a pair of Gucci loaders
c. a police escort
d. a new girlfriend

4. Answer Yes or No.  I think itís important to be able to trust my partner alone with:
a. an attractive woman
b. a credit card
c. small appliances
d. matches

5. After several years of marriage, my partner will have:
a. established himself in his chosen profession
b. learnt my parentsí names
c. worn a dress of mine out in public
d. permanently misplaced at least one of our children

6. I would prefer it if my partnerís closest friends were:
a. nice to me
b. people heís known for longer than a week
c. residents of a well-respected mental institution
d. imaginary, six-foot-tall pink rabbits

7. You notice an attractive stranger across the room.  To get his attention you:
a. try to catch his eye, then wait for him to approach you
b. trip him as he walks by
c. set fire to your table
d. walk over and introduce yourself as the Tooth Fairy

8. When I read, I like to:
a. sit down
b. read a book review and then pretend Iíve read the book
c. color in the pictures
d. lick the pages to check for traps set by mischievous book elves

9. Which of the following describes your greatest asset in a relationship?
a. Iím incredibly forgiving and forgetful
b. Iím a fully trained psychiatric nurse
c. Iím generally stupid
d. None of the above

10. I admire a man who feels comfortable in:
a. his own skin
b. a committed relationship
c. his birthday suit out in public
d. a straightjacket


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 1, b = 1, c = 0, d = 1
2. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
3. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
4. Score 1 point for every No answer and 0 points for every Yes answer
5. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
6. a = -1, b = 0, c = 3, d = 4
7. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
8. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
9. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = -2
10. a = 0, b = -1, c = 4, d = 2

Score less than 0
If a Gemini Bastard approaches you, hit him with your handbag until he goes away.

Score between 0 and 10
At most youíll enjoy a brief but highly successful relationship with a Gemini Bastard.  But whatever you do, donít show him how to turn on your gas stove or you could find yourself homeless and him long gone before you can say, ďLook what youíve done, you crazy bastard!Ē

Score between 10 and 20
If you want this relationship to last, you have to be prepared to make a few sacrifices, as Gemini tends to lose things.  But hopefully, you will learn to live without your life savings, your pets, your children, your faith in humanity, and your sense of humor.

Score between 20 and 30
Your score means you are either very compatible with a Gemini Bastard or just not terribly bright.  Either way, you need help.

Score more than 30
You both should be locked up.




Okay, Cancers!  All of you who want to be abused, make sure you let me know somehow so I donít miss you.  
____________

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kookastar
kookastar


Honorable
Legendary Hero
posted August 15, 2006 12:33 PM

Man this one was harsh

answered
baa2caaada

score = 3

Score between 0 and 10
At most youíll enjoy a brief but highly successful relationship with a Gemini Bastard. But whatever you do, donít show him how to turn on your gas stove or you could find yourself homeless and him long gone before you can say, ďLook what youíve done, you crazy bastard!Ē

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russ
russ


Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
posted August 15, 2006 04:53 PM

ROFLMAO!!! I like this one!
Btw, was the below purely coincidental?
Quote:
First, we have Geminite #1, but for convenienceís sake, letís call him Russ.  Russ gets to go first because he has the earliest bedtime.  Heís eternally four years old, is completely incapable of taking care of himself, and alternates between being an energetic little goofball and the pouty brat from hell.

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted August 15, 2006 05:19 PM
Edited by Iris at 17:20, 15 Aug 2006.

Hehehe, describes you to a T, doesn't it?  

Here are my answers.

WARNING: My answers do not imply that I am compatible with a Gemini Bastard.  It simply means I've been abused beyond repair.  (That and I simply cannot resist silly answers.  )


1. It is important to me that my partner remembers:
a. my name
b. where he lives
c. that he isnít supposed to date other women
d. to pick up milk on the way home

2. My partner tells me heíll be home at 8:00PM, I expect him at:
a. 8:00PM
b. between 11:00PM and 1:00AM
c. after 3:00AM
d. 8:00PM, two days later

3. I send my partner out for a loaf of bread, I expect him to bring home:
a. a load of bread
b. two Hugo Boss suits, four shirts, and a pair of Gucci loaders
c. a police escort
d. a new girlfriend

4. Answer Yes or No.  I think itís important to be able to trust my partner alone with:
a. an attractive woman - Yes
b. a credit card - Yes
c. small appliances - Yes
d. matches - Yes

5. After several years of marriage, my partner will have:
a. established himself in his chosen profession
b. learnt my parentsí names
c. worn a dress of mine out in public
d. permanently misplaced at least one of our children

6. I would prefer it if my partnerís closest friends were:
a. nice to me
b. people heís known for longer than a week
c. residents of a well-respected mental institution
d. imaginary, six-foot-tall pink rabbits

7. You notice an attractive stranger across the room.  To get his attention you:
a. try to catch his eye, then wait for him to approach you
b. trip him as he walks by
c. set fire to your table
d. walk over and introduce yourself as the Tooth Fairy

8. When I read, I like to:
a. sit down
b. read a book review and then pretend Iíve read the book
c. color in the pictures
d. lick the pages to check for traps set by mischievous book elves

9. Which of the following describes your greatest asset in a relationship?
a. Iím incredibly forgiving and forgetful
b. Iím a fully trained psychiatric nurse
c. Iím generally stupid
d. None of the above

10. I admire a man who feels comfortable in:
a. his own skin
b. a committed relationship
c. his birthday suit out in public
d. a straightjacket


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 1, b = 1, c = 0, d = 1
2. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
3. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
4. Score 1 point for every No answer and 0 points for every Yes answer  - 0
5. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
6. a = -1, b = 0, c = 3, d = 4
7. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
8. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
9. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = -2
10. a = 0, b = -1, c = 4, d = 2

Total Score: 14

Score between 10 and 20
If you want this relationship to last, you have to be prepared to make a few sacrifices, as Gemini tends to lose things.  But hopefully, you will learn to live without your life savings, your pets, your children, your faith in humanity, and your sense of humor.
____________

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russ
russ


Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
posted August 15, 2006 05:26 PM

Quote:
WARNING: My answers do not imply that I am compatible with a Gemini Bastard.  It simply means I've been abused beyond repair.  (That and I simply cannot resist silly answers.  )
Nah, we all know you just need an excuse to fall in love with me

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Iris
Iris


Responsible
Supreme Hero
of Typos
posted August 19, 2006 08:04 AM

Hehehehe...  Leo, Scorpio, and Capricorn Bastards found.  

Okay, Sagittarius, you're the only one left!  I refuse to believe that there isn't a single Sagittarius male on HC!  Step up, don't be shy!  
____________

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Gandalfs_Girl
Gandalfs_Girl


Known Hero
Champion Ice Cream Eater
posted August 24, 2006 02:22 PM

1. It is important to me that my partner remembers:
a. my name
b. where he lives
c. that he isnít supposed to date other women
d. to pick up milk on the way home

2. My partner tells me heíll be home at 8:00PM, I expect him at:
a. 8:00PM
b. between 11:00PM and 1:00AM
c. after 3:00AM
d. 8:00PM, two days later

3. I send my partner out for a loaf of bread, I expect him to bring home:
a. a load of bread
b. two Hugo Boss suits, four shirts, and a pair of Gucci loaders
c. a police escort
d. a new girlfriend

4. Answer Yes or No. I think itís important to be able to trust my partner alone with:
a. an attractive woman [yes]
b. a credit card [yes]
c. small appliances [no]
d. matches [yes]

5. After several years of marriage, my partner will have:
a. established himself in his chosen profession
b. learnt my parentsí names
c. worn a dress of mine out in public
d. permanently misplaced at least one of our children

6. I would prefer it if my partnerís closest friends were:
a. nice to me
b. people heís known for longer than a week
c. residents of a well-respected mental institution
d. imaginary, six-foot-tall pink rabbits

7. You notice an attractive stranger across the room. To get his attention you:
a. try to catch his eye, then wait for him to approach you
b. trip him as he walks by
c. set fire to your table
d. walk over and introduce yourself as the Tooth Fairy

8. When I read, I like to:
a. sit down
b. read a book review and then pretend Iíve read the book
c. color in the pictures
d. lick the pages to check for traps set by mischievous book elves

9. Which of the following describes your greatest asset in a relationship?
a. Iím incredibly forgiving and forgetful
b. Iím a fully trained psychiatric nurse
c. Iím generally stupid
d. None of the above

10. I admire a man who feels comfortable in:
a. his own skin
b. a committed relationship
c. his birthday suit out in public
d. a straightjacket


HOW TO SCORE
1. a = 1, b = 1, c = 0, d = 1
2. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
3. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
4. Score 1 point for every No answer and 0 points for every Yes answer
5. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
6. a = -1, b = 0, c = 3, d = 4
7. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
8. a = 0, b = 2, c = 3, d = 4
9. a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, d = -2
10. a = 0, b = -1, c = 4, d = 2

score = 3

Score between 0 and 10
At most youíll enjoy a brief but highly successful relationship with a Gemini Bastard. But whatever you do, donít show him how to turn on your gas stove or you could find yourself homeless and him long gone before you can say, ďLook what youíve done, you crazy bastard!Ē

____________

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angelito
angelito


Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
proud father of a princess
posted August 24, 2006 02:59 PM

No lady scored less than ZERO

That's a prosmising start....
____________
Better judged by 12 than carried by 6.

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russ
russ


Promising
Supreme Hero
blah, blah, blah
posted August 24, 2006 04:41 PM

Quote:
No lady scored less than ZERO

That's a prosmising start....
We've definitely got some magic

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