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SirDunco
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted July 14, 2006 10:50 AM |
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Something absolutely terrible has happened...a blow beneath the belt, a cowardly act of human idiocy. The pain is just too terrible right now, especialy after such a loss... I will get back to this once i'm able to fully write...
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Lady_Milena
Honorable
Known Hero
Grannie Sweet Cheeks
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posted July 14, 2006 06:27 PM |
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William,
if it's your heart rate only, don't get death-scared.
When babies are born, their heart-rate is well over 100, usually around 110-130 beats per minute. As babies grow, the rate drops. However, children are likely to have their hearts beating faster. Of course it's the other way round with older people.
Heart rate varies. Usually they consider the normal rate anything between 60 and 100 beats per minute (60 being slow, 100 being fast). Physical activities, stress, emotions, etc can make the heart beat faster as it's often associated with adrenaline rush. Well, it's often associated with drug use too.
What happened to you, William, is called tachycardia. Tachycardia is considered anything above 100 beats per minute. It's an unpleasant state because you feel as if your heart is jumping out and (what happens with me at least) I get the annoying feeling everyone can see my chest rise and fall and HEAR the sound of it too. It's *very* annoying and it could make you feel weak too.
HOWEVER, tachycardia is not really dangerous for you unlike bradycardia (or slow heart rate). In the long run it "exhausts" the heart. The risk of ischemia for example is greater. However, if it's accidental the worst thing that can happen to you is discomfort you or make you faint in extreme cases. The only serious problem is that as I said, it may be a sympthom of another serious condition.
Fear not, you're not dying boy. But maybe you should get a checkup by your doctor.
P.S. My mother is the exact opposite. Her bradycardia outright shocks her doctors. Well, how else, her heart beats 46-55 times a minute! It doesn't affect her one bit (or so it appears) but it's helluva thing if she has to get anaesthesia.
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God does not need exist to save us...
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SirDunco
Responsible
Supreme Hero
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posted July 14, 2006 09:42 PM |
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Let me finish what i had started.
At about 9:15 GMT +1 my dog was killed.
Now i know there are people who will not understand my feelings and points completely, but all those that had ever owned a dog, felt his friendly presence, known the mischeivous wagging tail and know what a dogs love and companionship ment in a time that seemed horrible, those will.
My beloved Robin, was a white siberian husky with blue eyes. He would have been only three in august. But he wont. Today as I took him for his daily walk into the forest he was shot, being not even 30 or 40 meters from me.
The man, or monster who murdered him was a psycho, as I ran after my dog after hearing the gun shots(2 of them) i was confrontd by a fat older man with a rifle who started swearing at me, insulting me. When I asked about my dog he said he ran in a certain directon and then left. After a quick search I found my Robin laying in a pool of his blood. He was shot into his head from behind, eventhought he knew of my presence since I called after my dog. This man took away my prescious puppy without a sight of pitty regret or even concience left, a coward a man with a dissorder that finds reasurence only in shooting dogs.
I just came back from out cottage, after digging a grave a burrying my dear. He went wrapped in his favourite blanket with his favourite toy.
All that knew my dog would know he would never attack someone, only when defending his life or mine. And yet he was shot without a word into the back of his head. Just like that.
There was a certain something about Robin. People who knew him were shocked. Robin had a certain style a certain charisma. Well built, with shining blue eyes and a friendly, always smilling face. He was a legend in our neighboruhood or anywhere we stayed. He had a style, a quality about him... There were story's of a dog comming from out of nowhere while you were walking your dog, taking your tennis ball and dissapearing, then after 20minutes the same dog would return with the ball and run of happily.
Or even when a lady dog was in "her days" and Robin would find you, it was enough to tell him he cant or isnt allowed and he would dissapear. He had a certain aura of friendship, and he was admired by many strangers. He was called everything from The White Fang to Brad Pitt.
And he ment the world to me. He helped me through many tough times just by his friendship. When I needed it he would come up to me...sleep in my bed... He was like my brother, but mostly he was my little puppy. He was the most loved member of my family. When I broke the news to my mom who is now in Spain, my uncle now in Istambul and my Grandad, they were disshearted. Especialy my mom and uncle had a very strong relationshop with him.
He waited for my mom to come home every night and would spend a lot of time.
And when you would mention that my uncle was comming, he would wait infront of the door, just waiting for him to come...
I cant write much more about him just now. The would that was left is too recent and too deep.
All I know know that my deareset puppy is sleeping in our garden at our cottage, there where he loved it the most.
I just dont want to belive it all...waking up without him rushing me to go to the forest for our walk... All because of one sick man, ruining so much and causing so much pain. But I know the memories of the times i had with him and his spirit will stay in me forever. I just must face the cruel fate of his murder and bite through it...
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mvassilev
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted July 14, 2006 11:45 PM |
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SirDunco, get revenge on the man that killed your dog or tell the police.
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Eccentric Opinion
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Aculias
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
Pretty Boy Angel Sacraficer
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posted July 15, 2006 02:10 AM |
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It is a known fact that the odds of a dog attacking a person is so rare.
People need to know that dogs usually dont attack people orless trained to kill.
DUnco I have two Boxers & one is full breed we had as a puppy who is 1 in half now & he is hugh & looks older.
I know man if someone even lays thier hand on any of my dags, thier going tp feel pain like never before.
You did the right thang by giving your puppy a good burial.
Best advice is to get this man arrested & get his butt (cant swear) off the streets.
Psycho or not, that is uncalled for & even people who dont know better need to get off the streets.
Hard to replace even if you did get another puppy.
Remember if you ever got a new puppy.
They are they for you, they are not trying to replace your lost puppy.
They need love just like any other animal,trees & others that are living.
Take all the time you need but if you do have a new puppy eventually, I am guessing it may take time, look in it's eyes & you will see it is there for you & not trying to take anyones place.
This is a screwed up world & were living right in it.
Just getting worst & worst.
People relying on guns then fists is winpy crap (Cant swear  )
You can be a 6 foot 7 giant with full muscles & it wouldnt matter.
All it takes is one bullet.
Same with puppies & other animals that was lost just like yours.
People also.
Thier alive just like us & they feel pain & feel happy just like us, so why is it any different to kill a dog ?
Stay strong but keep your head up & take your time.
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Dreaming of a Better World
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am8032
Tavern Dweller
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posted July 16, 2006 03:50 AM |
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SirDunco, please accept my deepest sympathies for your loss. This is truly a heinous, monstrous act. I was deeply outraged when I read your post. Apart from being a fan of the game, I registered because I wanted to tell you this. I also think you should go to the police and see if they can do something about punishing the psycopath responsible.
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william
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
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posted July 16, 2006 09:17 AM |
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Edited by william at 09:18, 16 Jul 2006.
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Well lately I have been feeling down and angry.
I feel that everytime I talk to someone, I may just lash out at them.
I hate feeling this way, and I guess the only way to stop it is to stay in my room 24/7 and dont come out, noone gets hurt, except for me because I dont go outside, because I fear I may do something "stupid", or something that I would regret.
These emotions I have been building up have been very sad both for me and the ones I unleash it upon, and those "people" usually get angry in return or get quite sad and leave me, which I find very distressing and uncomfartable.
I try very very hard to keep my emotions bottled up inside of me, but sometimes its just to much and I just let it all go in a flurry of anger and hatred and sadness.
Its very hard for me to accept that, but I think im finally coming to realize that people in this world dont really appriciate or take a person like me seriously, well someone like me right now, but im going to try very hard to change the way I present myself to others, and the way I say things to them, and I hope they would show that respect towards me aswell.
If you read the post I made or posts I should say in Uphill Times, you will find some really good moments in my life.
My birthday is coming up soon and well its coming up in 3 days time, this coming wednesday and im very excited, as I will be turning 16 years old, but I suppose thats a down point aswell, as I will be leaving my childhood which im very used to, well had 15 years of it, and begin or start a new life as nearly an adult.
That change may be hard for me, as I know I am not that mature at all, and the way I act towards others isnt that mature, quite childish, and if I realize it then I must be able to change it.
Which is my goal, to change my behaviour towards others and to change what I say and do to other people, because lately I feel like crap, and dont worth to be living.
I had a fight with my mum today, and I am just annoyed at her for blurting some things out, and that bothers me, so im still angry about that and I still dislike her temporarily, not permanently though luckily.
Its just that when sometimes well all the time when someone gets me angry, I stay angry for hours, and then it eventually stops, and when I get to my melting point or boiling point of absolute anger (when im the most angry I can possibly get which is extremely angry) my whiole body starts to shake, and I cant walk properly or do anything properly, and sometimes I feel like im going to drop to the ground and die which sometimes I hope would happen.
But I have too many good things in life to die now, so Im going to change my habits and become a better person.
If you would like to know my happy sides of my life check uphill times thread.
@ Dunco, about your dog and that guy, if it was me I would have gone up to the guy and punched him alot.
Noone with that kind of emotions deserves to be alive in my opinion, if he doesnt care about life and people and animals, what kind of thing is he, he doesnt deserve to be loved or cared for because he cares none for anyone else.
I would go to the police and sue his ass.
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~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~
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Squirrel_God
Tavern Dweller
Derranged Theist
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posted July 23, 2006 11:43 AM |
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Life. Yeah, it is bad sometimes...bad indeed.
SirDunco, I almost cried when I read your post...we had two Siberian Huskies (the female, Aisha - who was black and white; the male, Arthur - who was pale grey and white; they both had blue eyes), and, fortunately they both died of old age - Arthur was the first to go at the age of eleven, and Aisha followed him a year after - she wasn't the same after Art died...all in all, they had 20 puppies - oh, when I remember the fun I had playing with them, walking them arround the block! Of course, there were ignorant people who thought that we kept wolves. Some of them were screaming like mad - can't understand some people, I really can't...I also remember that every batch had (there were three - 7 + 7 + 6; quite a lot, huh?) it's own letter - first one was A (Antharion, Aragorn, Arwen...), second one B (Becky, Barbara...), last one C...I loved them all, and even more so because they were used to cats, which were plentiful in our house, as well. They used to play together like a big happy family.
My story has a happy beggining (from birth to the age of 13), a very critical and downhill middle (13-19), and a positive, open future (19+). I'm 20 now, so I'm still getting used to the fortune I've been experiencing (although some wouldn't call this fortune; by most standards, it could be called a state of contentment). A lot of bad experiences in my mid-life...if you really plan on reading further, I'd suggest making yourself a coffee - it'll be long.
The crisis started much earlier, but I was a kid back then, so I vaguely remember most of those things - I remember that there was a war in Yugoslavia when I was 5 (1991), that my dad use to work most of the time - sometimes five days in a row; that he sometimes came back from work reeking of alcohol. He was never aggresive, though, and has kicked the habbit of getting drunk daily - he keeps it to a few beers once in a week, now. I remeber an anti-war song, sung by one of my long-time idols (he is a popular folk singer in Serbia), which I listen to even today, when I look at all the madness in this world...but, I didn't understand any of it - (un)fortunately, I had a chance to experience it again, in my 13th year of life.
My dad had to work late, so he couldn't join mom and me, as we were heading towards the grammar school to watch my sister in a play. This was the first time I saw my sister acting, and I remember feeling very proud of her (she is three years older than me), but, then again, I've always been proud of her. If I didn't mention yet, this RL story of mine is happening in a town called Subotica, in Serbia. We were standing outside, after the play, praising my sister's acting skills and talking about how we enjoyed the play, when suddenly - I clearly remember this, as if it happened just yesterday (it was on 24th March 1999, at 8 PM +/- a few minutes) - we heard an unknown sound. It was a wailing sound, a repetitive sound - a three minute long sound...it was the aerial danger alert sirene, as I later found out. My mom seemed a bit frightened, but she remained cool and said that we should hurry back home, because dad is probably home by now. We rushed back home. Dad was waiting for us at the entrance to our front yard with an 'everything's gonna be alright' kind of smile, that was only a mask for his true fears. When we got inside he told us that he had been watching the news, and that NATO has started a bombing campaign in Serbia. 'To fight the tyrany of Milsoevic and restore democracy in Serbia', they said. Two and a half months of constant fear followed - not for myself, but for my father. He was an able male that could've easily been drafted in the army to defend Serbia - against his will, of course. It's not that we weren't patriots, it's just that one madman wasn't worth fighting for. Fortunately, Subotica is located 20km from the Hungarian border (which became a NATO member, arround that time), so we didn't feel the presence of bombs...but we were still afraid. All-in-all, three bombs were dropped in the vicinity of Subotica - the boom sounds were frightening. 70-something days after the beggining, the campaign was brought to an end - my dad didn't get drafted. It was the best birthday present I got that year.
Everything seemed to be going back to status quo, when, next year, a new order of goverment antagonists, calling themselves 'The Resistance' appeared. They marched day and night, demonstarting against Milosevic - and, after arround two weeks of constant strikes, demonstrations and public gatherings - Milosevic resigned, and gave place to a new leader - a democrat. The world turned upside-down then...Serbia, which was in terrible economical and social state was being dragged even lower, because of the start of a long healing process - the reforms. My dad soon became redundant, and my mom (because of the inflation) was receiving only 70% of her wage - it was arround 100 EUR back then (150 USD, appx.) Hard times were just beggining...I remember that for a year and a half we only ate potatoes - and, since humans are made that way - we did that with dignity. Dad found a whole lot of different recipes of how potatoes could be prepared, so he started doing most of the cooking. After a month or two, he became very good at this...destiny is strange sometimes, as you will see.
After that period, my mom started getting her whole wage, which still wasn't enough, but the situation was a bit bearable - dad started thinking of opportunities. He decided to go to Budapest (Hungary) and get some kind of degree. So, he did. He got a chef's diploma and soon after finished a managment course. With a little help from the rest of the family, we took out a modest loan, and dad opened his own little fast food joint in Budapest. Still, this choice of his, although beneficial to the whole family, left me without my father for almost three years. He rarely managed to visit us, so we mostly talked over the phone - but I told myself that I will be brave. So I was. At least on the surface.
It was a breakpoint in my life when dad left to seek out a better fortune - I just got accepted to the local grammar school and with mom busy with her work, I had noone to talk to. Mom's job put food on our table, dad was busy paying the rent and paying the loan back, my sister got a scholarship and moved away from us. It was basically me and mom in a three-room house, using up barely one room. The place felt empty most of the times...so, to compensate for not having anyone to talk to, I started being extremly social. Soon enough, I became one of the most popular teens in school - everybody admired my maturity, sense of humor, inteligence - but nobody understood me. They just applauded my efforts, but never showed an interest in getting to know me. I cried. Then, I started drinking. I drank heavily - starting with beer, and soon enough with whatever I could get my hands on. I was barely 16. People started noticing it. First my friends, then my teachers, then my mom...again, I cried. But, I firmly decided to give up drinking, after hearing a couple of stories about my mom's parents, who were both abusive alcoholics, and listening to how my parents' relationship almost came to an end because of alcohol. I realized that I had to be strong. But how? I started writting...
I lost it all during my drinking period...my reputation, my popularity, my 'firends', a lot of money. But, in the process I gained a true friend - whom I consider my friend even today, when we live in different countries and rarely see each other. The rest of my grammar school years were just an attempt to fix what I had ruined - in the end, I came out neutral - not popular, but not disliked. It was satsifactory. Later on, thanks to some youth voluntary organizations, I quickly became known for my charisma and abbility to act as a local champion. Soon enough, I was appearing weekly on the local TV stations, talking about important issues that affect the youth and positive changes that could be made in our town. And then, I left it all behind and moved to Budapest - following in the footsteps of my father (last year in october). Mom came shortly after me (in november). I had to face some difficulties, since I came from a small town, into a European metropolis - new people, new culture, new everything. I had only my parents, but I was thankful for that, because at last, we were together. My sister (as she was nearing the end of her studies) visited us on a more frequent basis.
Now, I sent an application to the Department of Anglistics, at the University of Budapest, and I passed the entry exam with top marks. I'm still waiting for the final lists, though - but I'm positive about it. It'll all become clear in a couple of days...until then, I will sit and wait, and think of all the things that were bad in my life, but helped me become a better man. It sounds like a fairy tale, I know...but it's true.
I probably left out some details, but this is it in a nutshell. I'm still fighting for what I believe is good and will never stop until my dying breath. All of that crying and whining made me realize that things rarely change by themselves - you have the power. Fortunately, I realized it at a good time in my life - the path to the future is unclear, but my experiences will let me discern the right from wrong, and maybe one day, I'll be able to look back and laugh at all the problems I once had.
Regards,
Squirrel God
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Divine heritage is a human trait.
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ruby
Promising
Known Hero
crazed swede
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posted July 24, 2006 11:55 PM |
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It's hard to do this, but I will.
I was born in a little town in Northern Sweden called Luleå. When I was nine years old I was confronted with my first obstacle, a boy, a bit older then me, who had a summer home next to my family's and my grandparents'. I was sexually abused on and off for about a year and a half, and when I told my parents about it, they thought I was kidding and joked around constantly about it, especially my sister (she has stopped now). My grandmother got the many hints I came home with and tried to stop it. We moved away before he got into legal trouble.
So I came to the United States right after I had begun my 5th grade year in Sweden, and I jumped right into an American one, with fluent English students. I remember my first day, my teacher sat me down with a student named Morgan, expecting me to understand everything clearly. Teachers like that shouldn't be allowed to teach. (She even gave me homework!)
I ended up getting quite popular and had many friends even though I didn't understand almost anything. I went through the year without a tutor or a translator and was miraculously getting all A's and B's. (Once I recieved a C+ in Math). Life was good.
Middle school hit and I enjoyed my two first years, but in my 8th grade year I snapped into my rebellious phase. I stopped relying on religion and turned more towards violence and bad influential friends. My parents were very strict on who I hung out with and I'm sure they didn't know (and still don't know) the numerous trips I took downtown Detroit with my new, rebellious possy. I was never made fun of or teased at all because people feared my friends. I had one guy I remember distinctly as the "tough guy", who always told me that anytime I needed to put someone in the hospital, he'd do it for me. He was later scent to juvenile prison at age 16 for beating a man half to death with a metal pipe. It was later on that 8th grade year that I started the infamous cutting stage, where I would cut out of reaching attention from people who feared me. I didn't want to be feared but the way I looked, talked, and lived, I was feared.
My ninth grade year started off great! I had a big group of very good friends, milder ones at that, and we were always together. Whatever we did, there was never one person missing from the team. I started dating one of my best friends Dan in the beginning of the year and we seemed perfect for each other. We dated all through that year, but conflicts arose during the end. I had been cutting this whole time, not for attention anymore, but through habit and relief from things I hid from everyone. I was angry at my ex for being so jealous all the time of my best friend who happened to be a boy, and I tried to commit suicide. I failed and life went on. My parents finally saw my cuts after almost a year and they sent me to a Christian counselor once. I remembered thinking that it was a waste of my time, and surely it was.
My tenth grade year began and it started out well, but after 3 months of school, I found out that my "perfect" boyfriend had been cheating on me for about a month or two with a girl I didn't know very well. Out of rage I broke up with a promise never to look or speak to him again. So after over 6 months of a relationship, it was over. He ended up turning more then 3/4ths of the group against me, saying that I was a jealous liar, and I feel into a deep, morbid depression. Life was horrible. I wanted to die.
My friends had left me, my parents were constantly on my case, and I was just overall miserable. I wrote a suicide note to my best friend whom I hadn't talked to for over two months. (She had been busy with her mother), and I left it in my sketchbook, giving it to my friend Ash, telling her to hand it to her when she saw her get on the bus. Ash decided to be a snoop and found the note, then letting three other friends read it. Soon enough they all ran to the office to find me help and as I had run away, they called the police and it became legal trouble.
I was found, sent to a mental ward for some time, locked up under tight security. I was even given the lable, "A danger to society." I only found myself as a danger to myself. My dad mocked me for crying, he told me I was stupid, he complained about how much money I was wasting, he constantly tried to give me guilt for the pain I caused my mother...and he tore me apart. My mother on the other hand held my hand and cried with me, and even though I knew she didn't understand me one bit, it made me feel a little better.
After getting home from the mental ward, I was treated the same way I was before, except for now, my privacy was gone for good. The only thing I got from this experience was that I couldn't talk to anyone about my suicidal problems anymore, because my closest friends would immediately tell the school board and I'd be sent back to the mental ward to be tortured with the same questions over and over. I have one good friend who is actually my neighbor and we can talk about it without her going crazy all over me. She's a great girl, a little mindless, but she's caring and very sweet.
I am better now I guess. I go to therapy once a week and they make me go back to the mental ward every once in a while to do check ups. But depression doesn't bite the dust so easily. It was before my depression that I stopped going on HC for those of you who knew me a little better then others. I hope I have matured since then.
I currently work and help kids who go through depression similar to the one that I am currently bonded in. I help on numerous websites and depression and bipolar centers in my community, so don't think I dont understand what has happened to me. Some silly mistakes took me long ways. I wanted to become something big once...but my dreams of that have been so crushed for the past years and my mistakes never seize to bring me down just a little further.
I hope that I haven’t bored you too much, but I tend to ramble when I am given the opportunity. I would love to hear anything else anyone has to say, maybe someone who has gone through similar things.
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The Darker the Sky--
The Brighter the Stars-
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Frick
Known Hero
and eternal n00b.
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posted July 25, 2006 03:17 PM |
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It's pretty scary.. One of my sisters has EXACTLY the same story (apart for some details, mostly about the religion and the parents). It's soooo similar it's scary.
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Hey you, see me, pictures crazy, all the world I've seen before me passing by
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ruby
Promising
Known Hero
crazed swede
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posted July 25, 2006 09:04 PM |
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Edited by ruby at 21:00, 26 Jul 2006.
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Quote:
It's pretty scary.. One of my sisters has EXACTLY the same story (apart for some details, mostly about the religion and the parents). It's soooo similar it's scary.
I was hoping no one would have the same story. 
I hate to hear about people that are forced to deal with the same mistakes that I made. That's why I talk to kids that have battled the same crap, so that they won't try and do things they'll regret.
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The Darker the Sky--
The Brighter the Stars-
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Squirrel_God
Tavern Dweller
Derranged Theist
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posted July 26, 2006 02:26 AM |
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@Ruby - I'm sure it was hell at the mental ward...I have a story that's kind of similar - it invloves an attempted 'suicide', a lot of alcohol and some other things. Here it goes...
In third grade of grammar school we went to a Hungarian lake for our field trip, and since it was only for two days, we started drinking in the afternoon. As I mentioned before, I drank heavily at that time, so I could stand my 'ale' - most of my friends would pass out before me, I was usually the last one to stop and go to bed (by myself). For a seventeen-year old boy, this is NOT a good thing. I saw adults who could drink less than me...that's why I eventually stopped drinking heavily(I still drink, but only socially - once every other week, or so). So, because everyone was on my case, the teachers, my peers - I tried to find some privacy, to smoke a cigarette or two in peace and quiet. I forgot the cigarettes in my room (which was jamm-packed with people), so I alternatively decided to go to the city to buy some. This is a small place (the city by the lake), and it was Sunday - next to impossible to find a 24/7 store. Only fast food...after an hour, I managed to buy a packet, and I went back to the hotel. First scene: I go through the door, my teacher starts yelling at me - 'Where were you!? We thought something happened to you! No more drinks for you tonight!' I was almost sober from my search and the fresh air - nevertheless, she thought I was drunk. I came into a friends room. Same story, different people. I passed by him and stepped out on the balcony. I sat down to smoke a cigarette, but people were constantly coming and I was asking them nicely (at first) to leave me alone for a while. I would manage to get rid of one person, another one would come. I noticed that the neighbouring room was empty, so I climbed over to their balcony. Ten minutes later, people were rushing into that room (teachers and friends) and yelling at me to come inside - someone yelled 'Don't jump!' (maybe he was joking, I'm not sure), but that was enough for my homeroom teacher to think that I wanted to commit suicide. I was explaining that I didn't want to do that, that I just wanted some time alone - alas, to no avail!
A year later, our graduation field trip (Italy): from the beggining, everyone was constantly keeping an eye on me, so when we arrived in Rimmini, my best friend and I snuck out went to buy a bottle of whisky and some beer. We had a couple of beers before dinner, and after dinner we started drinking whisky (and some homemade brandy, that I brought). After we drank half a bottle, my friend didn't want to drink anymore, so I finished it - in less than half an hour. I passed out an hour later...the rest of the field trip was spent without alcohol (at least from my part), because I was under constant supervision. But, now, for the best part - we returned to Serbia...
A couple of days after we returned, I was summoned by the school psychologist to have a 'friendly discussion'. To my surprise, it wasn't only the psychologist, but also my homeroom teacher and the school pedagogue. They 'tortured' me for hours, repeating questions, convincing me that I have a problem (and I was actually quitting drinking before the field trip). I was constantly telling them that I have it under control, that I'm changing - you think it helped? Nope. Then they started bashing me with rumors that they heard (they considered these rumors as facts) - like for example that I yelled at policemen in the streets when I was drunk (on several occasions), that I sometimes drink a bottle of vodka when I'm lonely and bored, etc. The policemen thing was just a misinterpretation, because I have a friend whose name is Viktor (I'm Viktor, BTW) who actually did this. The other thing was a complete lie - I never drank alone, always in company - usually with lowlives I would happen to meet at night. I had a problem, I was on my way of resolving it, and then they smashed my whole existence...well, almost. It took a while to recover from it, and in the end this terrible experience had it's lesson, but I wouldn't wish it to anyone...not even my worst enemy (I don't have enemies - speaking hypotetically, of course).
Hang in there! I'm sure that your experiences were WAY worse than mine, but I can relate to a certain degree.
When you were talking about 'cuts', did you mean like 'doing harm to yourself' cuts? I did that a couple of times, long ago - during my frequent depressions - I still have a cigarette burn mark on my left upper palm. It was ALL the way - untill the cigarette stopped burning. It hurt like hell, but at that time, I thought that I needed it. Knives? Sometimes...the last occasion was some four years ago. I'm over it now.
Regards,
Squirrel God
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Divine heritage is a human trait.
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ruby
Promising
Known Hero
crazed swede
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posted July 26, 2006 09:13 PM |
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Squirrel God-
You are very sweet to show my sympathy but it's all right. Kids have it worse. I do thank you for talking with me though. It's nice to know that there are still people who understand out there.
The first mental ward I went to was a joke. They didn't check my bag as I went into my room and I had two razor blades tucked into my bible and a mechanical pencil. (we weren't allowed anything even close to sharp). I could've killed myself with ease inside that room, but I didn't and to this day, I don't know why. I was ready to, there was nothing left for me at that point, but I left the razor blades alone.
I can see where you are coming from with the drinking, but maybe not as extreme. As I went through my rebellious stages, I got drunk on occasion, and I did jump off the roof of my best friends house, but it wasn't a suicide attempt. I was just being an idiot. I haven't drank since then.
They tortured me for hours too.
Their questions were the same...over and over. They would bring in different people, one or two at a time. One day I counted eleven people coming into my white cell. I was miserable because my bag was taken away. I guess they thought I would find a way to hurt myself with it because I had cut my hands a couple of times while I was there.
I remember one man being nice to me, treating me like a person. But I only saw him once.
It's over now at least. They'll come back and get me occasionally I have been told and they called not too long ago.
And when I say cuts, yes I do mean harming myself. I don't just sit around and cut out of boredom, it's when I get terribly terribly angry. Like...
Not too long ago...a guy I met at a party hit me. He slapped me across the face because I wouldn't do something he told me to do. So I went home that night and I cut, and when I cut, I don't just do a little slit, I tear apart my wrists and my arms. It's never just one. And it hurts a lot, especially when I have to wrap it afterwards. I don't like pain. I just don't know what to do sometimes. But it's all right, because I am getting help.
I have never experienced a cigarette burn because I quit smoking as soon as I started. It's not that I didn't like it, I just think that I didn't need it.
I really do appreciate you sharing your story with me. It helps. I love being able to talk about things like this to people who are open to it and at least understand what it is about.
And really, my problem isn't any bigger than yours is. It's just a different scenario then yours. We all go through hell, and my hell isn't more tough then what your hell is.
____________
The Darker the Sky--
The Brighter the Stars-
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Squirrel_God
Tavern Dweller
Derranged Theist
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posted July 27, 2006 01:01 AM |
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Well, it is true that we all go through hell, and I don't want to blame society for what I did. I want to blame them for being hypocrites - at least from where I come from, and concerning this particular topic...
Even when I started my 'dry period' (after I decided that I'm not going to drink any more, I tested myself if I could go for two months, doing the things I did so far - partying, dating... - without alcohol; I suceeded), people were still very negative. I proved that I could change, that I have changed, but they still considered me a 'rotten apple'. Later, I found out that most of the people were actually jealous that I didn't have a vice - that I was a clean, smart, good-looking guy to whom they couldn't point a finger at and say "Yeah, you know what he did last night? Immoral bastard!" I thought people would be happy for me. Instead, the rotten society I lived in actually regreted that I stopped drinking. Hypocrites...at least my true friends remained my true friends - even after I moved to Budapest. Facing hell is one thing - facing it alone is a totally different one...
I gave up on people's expectations - I continued to live my life like before (with less alcohol) and I didn't care for other people's oppinions about me. As long as my parents were satisfied with this positive change, my friends happy that I changed for the better - I was content. My homeroom teacher still 'believes' that I'm an alcoholic, although I haven't been her student for a year and a half now. I met her a couple of times on the street and she was oh, so happy to see me. Her son, with whom I partied frequently said that she is still talking about my drinking problem which doesn't exist anymore.
So, you are dealing with troubled youths? I guess it is kind of like a therapy, isn't it? My therapy is writting. Whenever I have a problem I start writting - basically anything. Essays on ethics, philosophical discussions between me and myself, short stories, poems...
How are you feeling now? I mean, from your point of view - do you feel better than before? I spent a lot of time in youth organizations and my biggest problem was that whenever I tried to give advice to younger people, they immediately thought that I wanted to elevate myself from them. You know, 'Yeah, he's so smart! He knows everything!', when in fact I just wanted to share some of my experiences so that they wouldn't get hurt as much as I did. I guess that there are very few people who will listen to friendly advice - for most of them, they have to go through hell to realize their mistakes.
Anyway, as the saying goes: "You can only appreciate good things once you've experienced bad ones." I guess we all need a trip downhill, once in a while, so that we could realize what's important for us, in our lives.
Squirrel God
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ruby
Promising
Known Hero
crazed swede
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posted July 28, 2006 01:35 PM |
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Ugh, I completely hate how they treated you. Talk about being as ass! The fact that they were angry because you were doing better, causes me to be furious. I have a thing for that, when I am happy, people try to make me unhappy again so they can get my "old-self" back. And that really flips my switch. How can anyone ever be that selfish?
I had a friend who was a big drinker, starting at the age of 14. He was sent to the mental ward and still goes to a rehabilitation center from getting alcohol poisoning too many times, and he's doing better, but his so called friends keep pulling him back to alocohol. Every chance they get, the offer it to him, and I get so furious when I see it happening. Because he doesn't want it. He doesn't want that lifestyle but they're jealous, jealous that he has found the right direction. It's just a mess with the youth of the world...
Being alone is something that I am a bit used to by now. I don't tell my friends things that happen anymore, because they either treat this information as bragging (what's there to brag about?!), emotional rights, lying, or more information to tell everyone else about. I don't want people to know me as the psychotic depressed chick in town. But that's what people know me as. One of my former best friends even spread a rumor that I wasn't sexually abused when I was little, but intentionally lost my virginity to a 17 year old guy when I was only 10.
That really made my heart sink. Not only did it bring me down, I wasn't so alone anymore because it was then I made some new guy friends but I knew exactly what they wanted and I was right. Suddenly I was the psychotic depressed snow in town.
I deal with troubled youths just like myself. But that's only to help them, I honestly feel like crap after I have helped. I remember youth talking to me a couple of years ago and somethings they said hurt me a lot, unintentionally of course. I just hope that there aren't kids that I am sending home hurting. I just wish some of them could be purely honest with me, because I know the rough road they've been going down.
My therapy is art. Art and writing. Because my parents don't let me draw in front of them and it's sometimes hard to hide all the stuff I do, I write a lot also, just like yourself. I have completed three full length novels so far, two of the novels are part of a trilogy. The first novel is on the waiting list for publishing and I have recently started a new short novel that I am hoping to get published as well. I have too much time on my hands. That's all I am saying. Being alone pays off sometime.
And if you would ever let me read some of the things you write, especially the poetry and the conversations you have with yourself, I would really love it. If you dont want to it's perfectly all right, I just love reading through people's feelings. It's such a beautiful way of getting to know someone better.
I am feeling a bit better. I mean, things happen every once in a while that make me snap back to where I was before, but I have learned that if I just go to sleep I can wake up in a better mood. My psychiatrist forbids me to do so, saying I have deal with my "upsets" but if my upsets is my parents tight asses, then there's really nothing I can do but run away in sleep. But yes, I can see things going better for me. All I am waiting for is a ticket to leave this place and go back home to where I belong.
____________
The Darker the Sky--
The Brighter the Stars-
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Antipaladin
Promising
Legendary Hero
of Ooohs and Aaahs
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posted July 28, 2006 03:32 PM |
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this war getting wrose of me,im getting so tired latly,doesnt metter ,if i drink,smoke,or have coffe,i cant get enought sleep...
i sleep just like 4-5 hours a day,im not having aptite,and i dont eat well,im feeling drained..im not sure if its even the war,im feeling all this presure,greats,heres another sirena,that means warning from incoming misels this direction...heres a boom sound ,very close,heres the second,i hear penic in the streets...my ear hurted from the last boom..TOmorow im going to rishon le'zion ,my uncle lives there,hopefully he'll get me a job,that'll take my mind of things.heres a third boom,my ears still hurt,oh dammn,well if i'll survive this week ill promise to spam here less...
i remmber how i lost my virginity,it did scared me at first,it happend around two years ago,i was hanging out with my frindes,and there was this chick,who was sixteen,we ware all fourteen,so after that summer ended,school started i was eeing them les,but i still talked abit in school,i remmber skipping from sports calls oftenly,couse i hated the teacher,so once i met her on the way,i was nothing to do,and she invited me over,all of the seddn in her house she started sex talk.i was embrassed,i never exprected,we smoked,and then she invited me to her room,said she has this movie i have to see,there she made me sit on her lap,i was abit shcoked,but when she opened my belt i just froze,i mean that was so unexcpeted,and i wasent totally ready,i freaked,but i coudlnt do a thing..i just set there,she later,em,we had,you know,intercourse..after that i was home,i was showering 5-6-7 times a day,i felt filthy and disscussed..six mounths later,i understood she slept all school,and even none school guys.i freaked,and ended our frindeship,now,two years after,i visit her from time to time,like a prostetude,we do what we do,and we say goodbye.when i need,or when she need,to take it off heart,we make conntect by phone.
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william
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
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posted October 22, 2006 12:03 PM |
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My Life Recent Times
My life has been pretty much a big wreck.
I have been filled with anger for a long time, months even for many many reasons.
I just do not know whether to let it all out and cause absolutel chaos or keep it contained and make myself depressed some more.
It really is quite confusing and hard for me.
For a while now I have been talking to a girl on msn messenger.
Me and her have been really connecting quite good, and we both like eachother.
A few days ago a "fomrer" friend told me that she sent him a letter that I sent to her via msn, and also sent him every convo that me and the girl ever had.
He also said that the girl never liked me, and the boy was just trying to help me get some more friends, and was only trying to "help" me some more because he thought I was lonely and all of that.
When I heard that, I felt entirely crushed inside, and I felt sick.
I later cried because of this, as I thought, a girl of my dreams, has been lying and going behind my back this whole time.
I later talked to her on the phone, only to realize that this boy was lying to me, trying to make me hate the girl and all of that.
I felt relieved and extremely angery, filled with hate towards the boy, who tried to and succeded in crushing me and making me feel extremely bad.
I havent done anything to him yet, as I am thinking of physically hurting him for trying to ruin my chance with the girl of my dreams, but luckily I can somewhat contain my anger and not hurt him, but I am seriously thinking about it, after all that kid has done to me, he deserves it in many ways from what I see and think and also believe.
That has been one major part towards my anger and sadness.
I have been having quite bad fights with my father, often involving violence, and am ashamed to say that, but me and him are very alike meaning that we both have quite short tempers, althoug hmy dad can keep it contained a little longer, I burst out in anger and violence alot faster and more worse than he does.
I hate fighting with my dad, but at times he really treats me like a piece of garbage, that he would rather be out of his site, or not exist.
Him even implying that he wishes I wasnt his son really tears me up inside, and that's what gets me angry and sad, because knowing that, at times, my own father doesn't wish I was his son, is absolutely terrible.
I have often pondered as to why he thinks these things and why he says them, but can never come up with an answer.
I talk to some people on HC about this, wont mention any names, and they have helped me to a degree, one has helped me quite a bit I might add, as he is a reallyt caring person.
I have also gotten angry at times for no reason, often punching holes into my cupboard door, which does not do my knuckles any good, as they are already quite bad (right hand knuckles are by far way worse than my left cos I am right handed).
I have also been having fights with my mum aswell, and this also hurts me inside, as I am truly sick of fighting with people, but everytime, I realize that it is me that starts the fights, it is always me, and that's what scares and angers me at the same time.
It makes me realize at times, how pathetically stupid I am, but at other times it feels right in my mind to argue with my parents and cause the fights and stuff.
But I know that the second thought is clearly wrong, as arguing with parents and causing the fights most of the time is not right at all, and is pretty stupid infact.
My school life is going alright, I am helping out younger people at spelling and reading, and helping one particular kid who has the same problems as him.
I threw a ball at a kids face because he was bullying and trying to provoke this kid I was helping, so I started swearing at the bully and stuff, ready to start a fist fight, but a teacher came, and I challenged her, saying why is this happening, and where is the justice going to come into all of this, why should a younger boy hwho has some problems, have to take this crap given to him by bullies?
That is what I do not understand.
I had to cool off for a while as I was really angry and stuff at the bully, who by the way was 2 years older than this kid I was helping, the bully being in year 9 and the kid I was helping being in year 7.
I used to be a bully, but have since learned that that is a bad thing to become, and affects me, and everyone that I bully ofcourse, and it does not do me any good aswell.
I often come to HC because I wish to speak my mind or it is an escape from the real world, which it often is because at times, I just wish to escape reality and come here, but don't we all at times?
When I am angry, or have been lately, I often come here, or often put on some Tangerine Dream music, as that really calms me down, and quite alot at times, because it is just the music that I love the most.
But at other times I cannot do those 2 things, and I often have to come to my bedroom and do something else with my time, maybe pass the time with playing some Diablo 2, oon either single player or with some friends on battle.net which is always quite fun and amusing and some hc members are on there, one of them helps me quite alot, and he is a good friend in my opinion.
Back to the girl and all that, me and her have talked on the phone some times, and we both have talked about stuff like music and all of that, interesting things, and we talked about the incident and the kid lying to me and all of that.
We both sorted it out and we are both normal again, liking eachother more and more.
But I am not ready to start a relationship with a girl at the current moment in time, or in this stage of my life, as I am quite angry lately, and I fear that I might do something stupid in a relationship, like get very angry or something like that, and that's what I dont want to do.
I just do not feel that this is the correct time in my life to be doing that kind of stuff, and that saddens me because I was really looking forward to a relationship with this girl, but my anger problems may have to be sorted out first, and then I can go with having a relationship, a proper one.
Well that's bascially all whats happened, and I am happy to share this stuff with you.
____________
~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~
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bjorn190
Responsible
Supreme Hero
Jebus maker
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posted October 22, 2006 12:28 PM |
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The world is very unfair and there is seldom justice. There, I've said it.  Knowing this fact, can help you not get too upset when things are unfair. Because they will always be unfair.
All you can do is decide what kind of person you want to be, and do your best to be that person.
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I am the hope of the universe... I am the answer to all living things that cry out for peace... I am protector of the innocent... I am the light in the darkness... I am truth.
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william
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
LummoxLewis
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posted October 22, 2006 12:33 PM |
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I just think it is unfair how people get treated.
Here I was defending a new student to the school, and already he has been getting teased, one week at school, and I am defending him, yet when I defend him and when he gets bullied, do the teachers do anything?
No they don't, they couldn't give a stuff really.
Other week a Fight was going on, and the teacher stood there with his/her arms crossed watching it.
What kind of teacher would do that?
I just feel like I am treated very unfairly at times, mostly in real life, because noone could care what I have to say, and that really annoys and angers me.
But my friends listen to me at times, and that is a good thing, but the teacher's don't, well most of them don't anyway, but I have some teachers that would try and keep me to stay at my school if I was getting expelled, they would stick up for me, and that really makes me happy that they would do that for me.
But the injustice, that really annoys me.
____________
~Ticking away the moments that
make up a dull day, Fritter and
waste the hours in an off-hand
way~
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Nidhgrin
Honorable
Famous Hero
baking cookies from stardust
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posted October 22, 2006 02:05 PM |
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Hello William,
This is not meant as a piece of advice, but rather an attempt to make you stand still at a couple of things. Hope it helps.
Everyone gets angry at times. Some people out that anger interacting with the world around them. They shout, start fighting or even get violent. Others, like myself, take the anger in and 'make themselves suffer'. Extreme examples of that are anorexia, boulemia, carving oneself, or worst case suicide attempts. I never quite got to do that sort of things but from time to time I lead a very self-destructive lifestyle. Going out days at a time, hardly sleeping at all, eating irregularly - if even, smoking and drinking too much. You get the picture...
I've gone through a couple of rough times myself. Could write a lengthy book about last year alone, and no one would believe it was all true. My friends say I'm a freak or a creep magnet, and it's sort of true. I guess my face has a very open expression most of the time, and I rarely push anyone away who tries to make contact - or simply start chatting about with strangers myself. Concerning women, I have never had a completely normal relationship in my life. Either they're mildly insane, 10 years older than me, turn out not to be single, have serious debts, ... you name it, I've been there.
Point is, I have plenty of opportunities to get angry at myself or at the world. Fact is that I don't, or at least not anymore. One very simple sentence sums up why today a whole lot of crap has to happen in order to make me angry: Perception is everything.
If it seems like the entire world is against you, or you just can't seem to fit in, it's completely unnecessary to change yourself. Also, there's no point in wanting the world to be a different place, because any kind of change is a slow proces of evolution.
The fact that we get disappointed in people or things, and the fact that we get angry has everything to do with the image we have of ourself, and the image we have of the world. If either of those images doesn't correspond well (enough) with reality, we're bound to feel that the world is injust, and that nobody understands us.
All you have to do is adjust that image of yourself and of the world, and together with that the expectations you have of yourself and other people, to a point where it does more or less match with how the real world works. Sounds easier than it is, I know. It means you have to keep synchronizing those images with reality every day, because you learn new things about the world daily, and as a person you slowly change aswell through experience. So it's a task that is never complete, but it is worth the effort in my opinion, if it means being able to relativate everything much more and put things into perspective.
Every time you feel yourself getting angry, or afterwards perhaps, try to find out exactly why you got so angry. Most of the time the cause will be related to unrealistic expectations of some kind. And those come forth from an unrealistic world and self view. Bit by bit, you should be able to pull the image straight, and in the process get to know yourself a lot better.
Good luck 
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