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RedSoxFan3
Admirable
Legendary Hero
Fan of Red Sox
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posted December 07, 2008 02:16 AM |
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3 guys are working on a construction team that's building a bridge. One guy is blonde, one has brown hair and the other is a red head. On Monday, during their break for lunch they open up their lunch boxes.
Brown: "What did you guys get?"
Blonde: "I got balogne."
Brown: "Cool, my wife packed roast beef."
Red: "Mine made me tuna."
All of them were happy about their lunches and devoured them. Tuesday comes around. They sit down for lunch and look to see what they got.
Brown: "Roast beef again? Well at least its my favorite."
Blonde: "I got balogne again. I don't even like balonge."
Red: "Tuna again. Seemed like it was better yesterday."
On Wednesday and Thursday they open up their lunch and it's the same thing. At this point they are getting pretty frustrated.
Brown: "If my wife gives me roast beef one more time, I swear I'll jump off this bridge."
Red: "Yeah same here I'm sick of tuna."
Blonde: "Me too."
Friday comes around and they all get the same thing and all of them jump off the bridge to their deaths.
Their wives all go to the same funeral and find out why they jumped to their deaths.
Brown's Wife: "If only he told me he didn't want roast beef. I would have made him anything, turkey, ham, even peanut butter and jelly."
Red's Wife: "I thought my husband was joking when he told me he didn't want tuna. He's raved about how he loves my tuna for years."
Blonde's Wife: "Don't look at me. He packs his own lunch."
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Go Red Sox!
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 07, 2008 02:51 PM |
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A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
(True story)
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
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DagothGares
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
No gods or kings
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posted December 14, 2008 01:47 PM |
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Alright, they asked a couple of children about their thoughts on love. the survey was in dutch, so some of the things won't ba half as funny, but meh:
1.If people fall in love, they want to see a lot of movies
which will make them sit in the dark together
(Sheley, 8 years)
2.If people fall in love, they kiss and if you kiss for the first time, you'll fall on the ground for at least an hour
(Wendy, 8 years)
3.Yesterday, I kissed a girl on a very personal spot.
behind a tree
(Thomas, 7 years)
4.I absolutely don't have to fall in love. fourth grade is hard enough as it is.
(Anneleen, 10 years)
5.People who are in love hold hands together, because they don't want to lose their rings, because they are very expensive
(Govert, 8 years)
6.people who are in love hold hands, because they practice walking through the aisle and are preparing for that entire marriage party
(Jelle, 7 years)
7.people who are in love hold hands, because otherwise they get separated (in dutch: gescheiden  )
(Femke, 6 years)
8.One falls in love with the other because he has freckles and finds someone else with freckles and they get married
(Andy, 6 years)
9.Falling in love? i heard it has something to do with smell an that's why so many people buy perfume
(Laura, 9 years)
10.When you fall in love, you get stabbed by an arrow or something, but the rest doesn't hurt so bad
(Manuel, 8 years)
11.To be a good couple, one has to know how to write cheques
Because, when you get married, you have to pay your own bills
(Ava, 8 years)
12.To be a good couple, you have to be happy all the time, even when he snores
(Wynne, 7 years)
13.you can make someone fall in love with you by swinging your hips
And the rest will come...
(Camille, 9 jaar)
14.you can make someone fall in love with you by shouting: "I love you, I love you" really hard
And you shouldn't mind, even if her parents are nearby.
(Nicholas, 8 years)
15.If you want to make someone fall in love you, don't wear dirty, smelly, green shoes
You'll get atention, but attention isn't love.
(Titus, 9 years)
16.you can take your girlfriend out to dinner. But you have to be sure she likes it
I'd like french fries...
(Jonas, 9 years)
17.When two grownups go out, you know they are in love
if they keep looking at eachother. Their food gets cold.
Some people like to eat their food while it's still warm.
(Jelle, 9 years)
18.If grownups are in love, they wear pretty clothes.
So if they wear jeans, they maybe broke up already.
(Sarah, 9 years)
19.When a man pays the bill in a restaurant, he's probably in love.
(Vincent, 9 years)
20.when the man wears lipstick on his face, he's in love.
(Sara, 7 years)
21.It's true love, when people buy a burning dessert in the restaurant
they like to order that, because their heart is on fire too.
(Charlotte, 9 years)
22.If you want love to last, you may never forget your wife's name
because she'll get pretty angry.
(Nicholas, 8 years)
23.If you want a women to love you, you'll have to learn to kiss really good.
than maybe she'll forget you never take out the trash.
(Dave, 8 years)
24.People kiss, because they grow really warm inside.
So kissing in winter is really good.
(Daphne, 8 years)
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If you have any more questions, go to Dagoth Cares.
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 14, 2008 02:20 PM |
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Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Homer171
Promising
Supreme Hero
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posted December 14, 2008 02:59 PM |
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Mel Gibson decides to make a movie about the life and times of various composers.
Seeking out big actors he calls up Robert De Niro and asks him who he would like to play.
De Niro thinks for a minute and says "Well I kind of like Beethoven's bada$$ attitude, so I'll be Beethoven."
Next he calls up Dustin Hoffman and asks the same question.
Hoffman replies, "I'll be Mozart."
Then Mel Gibson calls up Arnold Swarchenegger and asks him what composer he would like to play.
Swarchenegger replies, "I'll be Bach."
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Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.
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Card_Ximinez
Famous Hero
no
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posted December 14, 2008 03:00 PM |
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Lol at Homer! 
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wtf this still exists
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 14, 2008 03:01 PM |
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ROFL... simply hilarious 
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted December 15, 2008 04:57 PM |
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Edited by TheDeath at 17:47, 15 Dec 2008.
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Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!"
The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
"For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
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The above post is subject to SIRIOUSness.
No jokes were harmed during the making of this signature.
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veco
Legendary Hero
who am I?
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posted December 15, 2008 06:13 PM |
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lol Death 
Following the problems in the financial markets around the US and Europe, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
_____________________________________
A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them both looking for work in two weeks.'
A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We
took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House, and
now half the country is looking for work
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none of my business.
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TheDeath
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
with serious business
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posted December 15, 2008 06:26 PM |
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ROFLMAO
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The above post is subject to SIRIOUSness.
No jokes were harmed during the making of this signature.
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 15, 2008 06:54 PM |
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LOL
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees?
It's referred to as the log scale.
3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c
This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)
Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3
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Card_Ximinez
Famous Hero
no
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posted December 15, 2008 07:30 PM |
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LOL Father!
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wtf this still exists
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 16, 2008 03:30 PM |
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A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
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kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted December 17, 2008 12:11 PM |
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Classic situation:
VAZ-2101 hits a S class Mercedes. An old man sits in his VAZ and thinks:
"OK... They'll take my house,my cottage in the countryside,my pension,turn my granddaughter into a prostitute... Like whatever, im and old man, theres no more life for me anyway"
He grabs a crowbar from his trunk,trashes the Mercedes completely, gets back in his car and goes away. The new russians who sit in the trashed car are shocked. Finally one says:
- Yeah... And you know what would happened if we hitted him?
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 17, 2008 03:13 PM |
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A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
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kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted December 17, 2008 05:48 PM |
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How does a man impress a woman?
Love her, buy her stuff, say her compliments, protect her, be nice to her cat, dont be rude etc...
How does the woman impress a man?
Be naked, grab him a beer
* * *
Why there are so many lonely women?
Because most of them thinks its better to hold a slab of pork in the frigde than thd whole swine in the living room
* * *
Beer VS Woman
1. Beer goes DOWN easily
2. If you have 5 or more beers in a single evening you dont feel any guilt in the morning
3. Beer doesnt get jealuos when there are other bottles of beer in your frigde
4. Beer doesnt complain when you come back frow the pub smelling like beer
5. Beer doesnt ressit when you tear off the cap
6. Beer doesnt start a scene when you grab another bottle of beer
with these jokes i dont want to offend any of our female members.
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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Asheera
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Elite Assassin
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posted December 17, 2008 06:49 PM |
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Don't worry, a joke is a joke, I don't get offended, and I'm sure the other female members don't either.
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kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted December 17, 2008 08:33 PM |
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Well id rather not try to offend you Ash, because i dont want to wake up with a dagger in my neck(you being an elite assasin and so)... Besides maybe(please god no!) we have several hardcore feminists with no sense of humour. Anyway,lets stay on topic. Another sack of jokes,this time with no offence to christians.
Beer VS God
1. Beer alows us to enjoy other drinks
2. Beer actually EXSISTS
3. Beer didn't allow to kill his son for our redemption
4. Beer didnt create a massive flood to kill everyone
5. Beer admits that other drinks exsist
6. Beer didnt let an entire nation to wander a desert for 40 years with almost no food or water
7. Beer wont send poisonous snakes to bite people just because they talk bad about it
its a bit more larger than that,but im to lazy to look ant translate the whole text.
Yet another set of jokes,funny part of various music styles.
How to save a princess?
Russian pop:
the hero gets to the castle with WV Golf I listening to dima bilan,gets beat up by the dragon,flees, comes back with his "roof" and slays the dragon
Lithuanian pop:
the hero comes with a WV Golf II wearing fake "Nike" sportswear and listening to E.Ostapenko. Gets beat up by the dragon,flees,comes back with his friends,beats up the dragon with baseball bats, has unsafe sex with the princess and takes her to a very cheap nightclub
Folk Metal:
the hero comes with few friends who are playing akordeons,violins and other wierd stuff. The dragon dances till it faints and the hero leaves(without the princess)
Viking Metal
The hero sails to the castle,slays the dragon with his axe,rapes the princess,grabs everything that is valuabe,sets the castle to fire and sails away.
Heavy Metal:
the hero rides on a Harley Davidson,beats the dragon with a chain and has sex with the princess
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted December 17, 2008 08:37 PM |
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kipshasz
Undefeatable Hero
Elvin's Darkside
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posted December 17, 2008 08:50 PM |
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Then im safe then 
Or am i? Whatever...
Father and son comes to the supermarket. The son asks his dad:
-Why we came to the store so late?
-Shut up you idiot! Just cut the bars!
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"Kip is the Gavin McInnes of HC" - Salamandre
"Ashan to the Trashcan", "I got PTSD from H7. " - LizardWarrior
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This thread is pages long: 
